Sharktopus (3 Stars)

Here's a picture to get my readers excited. A giant shark attacking topless swimmers? I can see my readers pulling out their credit cards and clicking on the Amazon links already. Slow down a bit. This might be the picture that's used on the box of the German Blu-ray release, but it's false advertising. There are no naked breasts anywhere in the film. I'm sorry to disappoint you. Of course, I want you to click on my Amazon links, but not at the cost of dishonesty. Your favourite blogger Mike Hood is a good guy.

If you've calmed down you can read the rest of my review.

Films about giant sharks are in at the moment. They're not realistic sharrk films like "Jaws", which still stands out as the best shark film ever. In the new wave of shark films directors try to outdo one another in their exaggerated visual effects, such as sharks falling from the sky in storm weather or sharks jumping out of the water to attack helicopters. "Sharktopus", as the title suggests, is about a new breed of shark that's half octopus.

A contractor for the US Navy has bio-engineered this new breed of creature to be used as a weapon in future wars. That's a great idea, as long as they can be kept under control when they're being bred in America. Easier said than done. A giant Sharktopus escapes and swims from California southwards, along the Mexican coast. It's the perfect killing machine, and not just in the water. It can use its tentacles to walk on land and climb buildings. The tentacles have a sharp claw at the tip which enables the Sharktopus to stab its victims to death before eating them.

My main interest in this film was because it was produced by Roger Corman. His name on the box is a guarantee for quality. Usually. I was disappointed by the film. There are too many random holidaymakers being killed. There should have been more concentration on the plot.

This is the first in a series of Sharktopus films, three so far. It's been followed by "Sharktopus vs Pteracuda" and "Sharktopus vs Whalewolf". I shan't buy them, however many topless girls there may be on the cover. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy films about giant sharks, especially the films directed by Christopher Ray. But if a film is trashy it at least needs to be trashy in a good way.

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Spider-Man 2 (5 Stars)

There are advantages and disadvantages to not watching a good film for a long time. The disadvantages are obvious. I'm missing out on something brilliant while spending my time watching inferior films. But the big advantage of not watching a good film for a long time -- in this case seven years -- is that when I finally watch it again it's like a new film to me.

"Spider-Man 2" is undoubtedly one of the best films ever made. Some people consider it to be better than "Spider-Man", which was made two years earlier. That's a tough decision to make. I consider "Spider-Man" to be slightly better than the sequel, but it's so close that I won't argue with anyone who disagrees with me. The first film is good because of the origin story. The second film has more emotional depth. Watching the film today convinced me of Sam Raimi's skills as a director. He should be allowed to direct all the Marvel films from now on.

In my last review, which I wrote seven years ago, I wrote that the film's extended cut, entitled "Spider-Man 2.1", adds nothing to the film. That's not quite true. "Spider-Man 2.1" adds a hilarious scene where J. Jonah Jameson tries on Spider-Man's costume. That's definitely worth seeing as one of the few comic highlights in an overall serious film.

The elevator scene is completely different in the extended cut. In the theatrical version the man in the elevator assumes that Spider-Man is someone going to a costume party. In the extended cut he knows that it's the real Spider-Man and gives him advice on how to improve his image. The original scene is better.

"Spider-Man 2" is in my Top 50 film list, which I intend to count down next year, so I'll be watching it again soon. I just checked my list, and it's in 14th place. Maybe I ought to push it up a few places before next year. I'll see.

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This box contains links to the Spider-Man trilogy box set. It's so cheap that it's not worth buying "Spider-Man 2" by itself.

Battle of the Sexes (4 Stars)

Man versus woman. Who will win? In a fair fight between the best specimens of each gender it would be a close contest, but the tennis match that took place on 20th September 1973 was anything but close.

The former tennis champion Bobby Riggs claimed that even at the age of 55 he could still beat the world's best female tennis player, because women are inferior in both strength and skill. Most of all he claimed that women can't handle psychological pressure. The extravagance of his condescending attitude made people think he was just putting on a show. It's true that he was a showman, but his personal friends have verified that he really did think women were inferior to men.

The match took place at a crucial point in Billie Jean King's life. She was recognised as the best woman tennis player in the world, despite losing a championship match against the Australian Margaret Court. She was caught up in arguments with the Lawn Tennis Association about the difference in prize money for the male and female championships ($120,000 for men, $15,000 for women). She had been married for eight years, but she was beginning to find herself more attracted to women than to men. These themes are all dealt with in the film.

Then the loudmouth Bobby Riggs appeared who was spouting propaganda about the superiority of men over women. He had a shock victory over Margaret Court which he used as proof that he was right. In actual fact, she had buckled under the pressure of the occasion. Bobby Riggs was the king of trash talk, which unnerved her and prevented her playing her best game. Billie Jean King felt no animosity towards Bobby, she even considered him a friend, but she had to stand up for the honour of women. She had stronger nerves than Margaret Court. When Bobby talked trash Billie Jean talked trash back at him. She went along with Bobby's showmanship. If Bobby wanted a show Billie Jean would give him a show, the biggest show on Earth. The only thing she wouldn't do was let him win.

The match was hyped up as the ultimate battle between man and woman, but it was just a tennis match between a young woman and an old man. If he'd been at his prime, as he'd been when he was world champion in 1946, he would probably have beaten her. In 1973 he didn't stand a chance.

Nevertheless, the match was taken seriously at the time. Women throughout the world treated it as a great victory. Even in the cinema tonight I could witness the emotional effect. A woman sitting in front of me clapped every time Billie Jean won a point in the match. I'm not a tennis fan, I never have been, but I also found myself being carried along by the excitement of the match.

I strongly praise the performances of the two lead actors, Emma Stone and Steve Carell. They both look uncannily similar to the characters they play.

Grapes of Death (3 Stars)

The last time I watched this film I gave it a four star rating, commenting that I was possibly being too generous. I've lowered my rating to three stars this time, despite being a big fan of Jean Rollin.

Despite having similar characteristics to his other films, "Grapes of Death" is unique among Rollin's films. His films usually concentrate on beauty, but this is a zombie film, so it's about death and decay. One of the plot devices is that the women don't look as bad as the men after being infected, but the film still has too much ugliness. I don't like the look of zombies, so I won't print any screenshots here. I refuse.

The film's main character is Elisabeth, played by the late Marie-Georges Pascal. She's travelling to the small village of Roubles to visit her fiance. Roubles is hardly a village, it's just a collection of stone houses built around a vineyard. The vineyard itself is deserted, and everyone in the village stumbles around trying to kill her. That's what zombies do.

She meets two men from a nearby building site who have decided to take the law into their own hands. They're shooting everyone they see. They know the reason for the zombie attack. The grapes have been treated with a new pesticide which has contaminated the wine. The two men are healthy because they only drink beer.

Logically, Elisabeth should rely on the men to help her, but the situation is confused when she finds out her fiance is a zombie. Which side is she on?

I'm fascinated by the filming location for the fictional village of Roubles. It's a collection of stone houses built on a cliff, most of them in ruins.

The information about the filming location is very vague, but I believe that it was filmed partly in La Couvertoirade, partly on a hillside settlement to the East of La Couvertoirade.

This is a screenshot from Google Maps. La Couvertoirade is a former fortress which now has a population of 180. Some houses are intact, some are ruins. It would be easy for a cameraman to only show the ruined houses.

Here's another picture courtesy of Google Maps. It's a lovely little village that lives from tourism. It looks like a beautiful place to visit, but an awful place to live. It doesn't even have a cinema!

Jean Rollin tells an interesting story about this scene. Brigitte Lahaie had to take off her clothes on the steps to prove that she wasn't a zombie. It was filmed in the middle of the night and the temperature was -20 C (which is -4 Fahrenheit). The scene had to be shot many times over, because it was so cold that Brigitte was unable to speak her lines.

If there had been more nudity and less zombies I might have rated the film higher. If you're a dedicated Jean Rollin fan -- like me! -- you'll want to add it to your collection. For the rest of my readers, it's a curiosity that you might want to check out if you can find it on a streaming channel like Shudder, but I doubt you will want to pay for it.

Zeta One (4 Stars)

"Whether you love it or hate it, you'll want to watch it again and again".

That's what I wrote in my last review. My own actions have proved this is true. I picked it up to watch it again today, after only a month. I'm already certain that I'll watch it again soon. There's something special about "Zeta One", and it isn't just Yutte Stensgaard's face.

Maybe it's the comic interludes with Rita Webb and Charles Hawtrey.

Maybe it's the scantily clad warrior women who have no problem overcoming any number of men who challenge them.

Or maybe it really is just Yutte Stensgard's face. I'll have to watch it again to make up my mind.

Two Orphan Vampires (4 Stars)

This is one of Jean Rollin's last films, made in 1997. Towards the end of his life he made less films because he was concentrating on his career as a writer of horror stories. I find that a shame, because as far as I know none of his books have ever been translated into English. This film is actually based on one of the books that he wrote himself.

Louise and Henriette are two young girls who live in an orphanage run by nuns. Seemingly young, I should say. They're actually thousands of years old. They used to be Aztec Goddesses. Their fondest memory is of a ceremony when 40,000 men voluntarily presented themselves as sacrifices. The men were slaughtered by the priests on top of the pyramids, and the girls lapped up the blood from the floor.

Are the girls vampires? That depends on your definition of the word. They can walk in the sunlight, but they're completely blind during the day. After sunset they can see perfectly, which they keep as a secret from the nuns. They sneak out of the orphanage every night to find themselves victims. They need to drink blood to survive. This isn't as easy as it would be for traditional vampires. They don't have supernatural strength, they're just as strong as any other 16-year-old girls, so they have to kill people by hitting them with a rock or stabbing them with a knife. Nobody suspects them for the murders because they're only poor little blind girls.

The girls aren't invulnerable. They can be killed. In fact, they've often been killed. They can be shot or stabbed or killed in any way that normal humans can. When they're buried their wounds slowly heal below the Earth, and they can crawl out of their coffins a few years later. They don't always remember their past lives clearly. They remember that they used to be involved with circuses, but it's all so hazy. All they know for certain is that as soon as people find out they're vampires they're hunted and killed.

Whatever they are, they certainly look like vampires. They wouldn't need supernatural strength to kill me. All they would need to do is smile sweetly and kiss me. I would have been one of the 40,000 men at the ceremony, lying naked on the slab, trembling with fear and lust while I waited to be killed.

The girls aren't bad. All they want to do is find a way to survive in a modern world which will no longer worship them as Goddesses. Where are the mighty religions of the past that would give them the respect they deserve?

On their way they meet other creatures of the night, all of them female. They are also Goddesses of past ages, There's a werewolf, a ghoul and even a traditional vampiress who sleeps in a coffin all day and kills people at night.

The orphan vampires were the original all-powerful Gods. They lived in a time when the world was forever night. Then a male God appeared who said "Let there be light". He created the sun, and the girls didn't stop him because they didn't know what would happen. Then it was too late. When the world was divided into day and night they became weak.

Jean Rollin's films are always slow and surreal, but this is a slow film even for him. The girls walk, talk and philosophise. They kill when they have to. They hide from the most dangerous predator of all: Man.

I wish I could find an English translation of the novel. It's probably even deeper than the film itself.

Let me add a few words about Media Player Classic, which I've been discussing for the last two days. One of its features is that when it plays a disc, DVD or Blu-ray, it doesn't start with the root menu; playback begins with the main film. It assumes that the longest video on the disc is the main film, which is almost always the case. It's a matter of taste whether you prefer this or not. It speeds up the beginning of the film by skipping the annoying trailers at the beginning, but it hides the extra features. They're still available, but you have to search for them with the Navigate menu.

When I attempted to play this Blu-ray disc today MPC failed completely. It started with the second longest video on the disc, a 42 minute featurette. No problem, I thought, and I tried to start the main film via the Navigate menu. This also wasn't possible. The main film was missing from the video list, as the following screenshot shows.

Cyberlink's Power DVD played the Blu-ray perfectly. They still need to iron the bugs out of MPC. I can't delete my other software yet.

Tracks (5 Stars)

I've mentioned a few times that I bought my first DVD player in 2003, and this was what turned me into a film fan. I don't remember the exact month, but I know it was a warm day, so I'm guessing it was June. What I haven't told my readers is that the last time I went on holiday was in April 2003. Since then I've been on occasional day trips and I've visited relatives, but that doesn't count. Is it a coincidence that these two dates lie so close together? April 2003 and June 2003? I think not.

Over the years, from my early childhood to April 2003, I often went on holidays. As a child my parents went on holiday every summer, either to Wales or to an English coastal town. As far as I remember they never skipped a year. My parents worked hard, and an annual holiday was something they looked forward to all year. When I was 20 we went to Scotland. This was the only time we ever went to Scotland, and it was also the last holiday we took together as a family. Later in the year my parents split up.

I lived with my father for the next two years. He didn't want to go on holiday any more. For the rest of his life he spent his annual vacation at home. He called it "holiday in the garden". I never asked him why he didn't want to go away any more. Maybe it would have reminded him of his married life. I don't know.

When I was 22 I left home to work in Germany. From then on I got into the habit of going on holiday every year, just like my parents had done. For the next four years I went to Scotland. I alternated between the west coast (the Highlands) and the east coast (the whisky triangle). After getting married at 26 I still went on holiday almost every year, usually to Scotland, but sometimes we visited France or Switzerland. After leaving my wife at 41 I stopped going on holiday. In 2002, when I was living in England again, I went to Brighton for a week. It was glorious weather, I loved it. In 2003 I went back to Brighton, and it rained every day. Awful!

That was April. Two months later I bought a DVD player. That changed my life. Until then I'd occasionally borrowed films from a video rental store, maybe once a week, and I watched random films on television. But I was amazed at the leap in quality from videotapes to DVD. The new technology fascinated me so much that I was buying about two films a week. In addition I bought the box sets of my favourite television series, "Highlander", "The Avengers" and "La Femme Nikita" (in that order), so I was using my DVD player every day.

No more holidays.

Why not?

My readers might guess that I was spending so much money on DVDs (and later Blu-rays) that I didn't have enough money left for holidays. No, that's not it. The reason is that I immersed myself into my films so deeply that I didn't need a holiday any more. When I watch my films I see foreign countries and I feel like I'm in the country with the actors.

That's why I'm writing this today. I just watched "Tracks". Look at the dazzlingly beautiful Australian scenery. Look at the strange people in the strange towns. I feel like I'm walking in the dusty streets and the sandy deserts. Why should I spend thousands of dollars on a plane journey to Australia when I can see everything for ten dollars -- the price of a Blu-ray -- without leaving my sofa?

Maybe I'm lazy. Robyn Davidson spent 195 days walking across the desert with the sun beating down on her head, while I'm sitting in front of the TV screen with a glass of Coke in my hand. She was crazy, I'm not. She could have died, I'm safe. I travel the world faster. This month I've been to Canada, Spain, China, America, Iran, France, Russia, Peru and Australia. Where shall I go next month? I lead an exciting life.

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Embrace of the Vampire (4 Stars)

"You think that love is a cherished gift, but you're wrong. It's a blight and a curse".

This is the first time I've watched this film for five years. Too long. It might not be my favourite vampire film, but I consider it to be the most erotic vampire film ever made.

I became aware of something for the first time while watching the film today. Despite the strange changes in vampire mythology, "Embrace of the Vampire" has more of the feeling of Anne Rice's vampire novels than any other vampire films, including the ones directly based on her books. Look at what we have. It's an ancient vampire, aloof and brooding. He's longing for something he can't have. He's evil, nothing like the well-behaved Cullen vampires, but his sadness makes us feel sympathy for him.

The 17-year-old virgin Charlotte, educated by nuns, is torn between her boyfriend Chris and the unnamed vampire. Why? Isn't it an easy choice? A few years with a man who'll get fat and lose his hair, or an eternity with an ageless vampire?

This film kick-started Alyssa Milano's supernatural career. Three years later she was hired to play Phoebe Halliwell, one of the lead characters in the long-running TV series "Charmed".

I'm still playing around with Media Player Classic, which I discovered a few days ago. See the post that I made yesterday. I watched the film on my computer, partly with VLC and partly with MPC. In some parts of the film, especially at the beginning, the picture quality was better quality with MPC. In scenes where there was no movement the picture seemed to be dithering with VLC. I've made two snapshots to show the difference.

Snapshot using MPC

Snapshot using VLC

You'll get a better impression if you look at the uncompressed pictures in their full resolution by clicking on the pictures shown above. The dithering in the VLC version is obvious if you look at Alyssa's hair on the front of her head. That's ugly. But there's something else that you'll only notice in the uncompressed versions. VLC has stretched the picture, which is probably the reason for the dithering. It doesn't do this when I watch normal videos, whether it's videos that I download from the Internet or the high resolution rips that I've made from Blu-ray films. It looks like it's a problem with DVD playback.

Also, doesn't VLC make Alyssa's complexion look paler? This might also be a result of the stretching.

I'll check this problem further the next time I watch a film on DVD.

Sorceress (4½ Stars)

I watched this film two months ago, but I didn't put the Blu-ray disc back in my bookcase when I'd finished with it. I left it on my table because I wanted to listen to the director's commentary. It took me two months. but I've finally got round to it. It's a highly enjoyable commentary track. Jim Wynorski is entertaining and informative, the two qualities that are essential.

I'll just point out a few details from the commentary that interested me the most. I strongly recommend that my readers buy the Blu-ray and listen to it for themselves. You won't regret it.

Jim Wynorski had a budget of $350,000 for the film. That might not sound like much, but it was a lot of money for a low-budget director like Jim. He hired Fred Olen Ray as producer, and together they stretched the money as far as it would go.

The house used in the film belonged to six real witches in Los Angeles; six lesbian witches who were happy to let their house be used. It was full of appropriate paintings and artefacts for the film, so no additional props were needed. The witches supposedly laughed at the film, they said that it was an inaccurate portrayal of witchcraft, but Jim gave them a copy of the film on VHS when it was finished. He would give them a copy of the Blu-ray today, but he's forgotten where the house was. He only knows it was number 1938, because the house number is in one of the shots. Does anyone recognise it?

All the other buildings used were offered as locations by friends and colleagues.

There were no costumes made for the film. The actors brought their own clothes from home.

The biggest expense was the hiring of a police car.

The beer that the actors drank in the film was free, on condition that the labels were showing. That's a good deal. Does anyone want to give me free beer in exchange for me publishing photos of me drinking it in my blog?

The film's success is down to the high quality actors. Here's a scene with Linda Blair and Michael Parks. He's incredible. The more often I see him, the more I understand why Quentin Tarantino called him the world's best actor. What I didn't know before listening to the director's commentary is that he was a method actor. In the film he plays a confused character, and that's how he spoke to his fellow actors between scenes. Supposedly Linda Blair was unnerved by him.

I find the film's shower scene very stylish, even though it doesn't reveal much. It was kind of the lesbian witches to let the actresses use their shower.

Have you ever seen a knife killer having so much fun? Rochelle Swanson is a fantastic actress. My screenshot captures her at the moment of ecstasy. And speaking of screenshots.....

I watched the film on my computer today, so I'd like to make a few comments about the software I used. For years I used the VLC media player to watch DVDs on my computer. It's far superior to the Windows Media Player, and it's free. Unfortunately, it isn't able to play Blu-ray discs. Last year I began to use Cyberlink Power DVD. It's a commercial player that costs about $50, but it was bundled with the new Blu-ray drive I bought for my computer, so I got it for free. It's an attractive piece of software, but it's buggy. The screenshot button doesn't work when playing Blu-ray discs. That makes the software worthless for me.

I tried a few other free programs, but they were all defective in one way or another. Evidently it's more difficult to write software for Blu-ray discs than for DVDs. The only way I could make screenshots was to rip the film in full resolution to disc, then make screenshots of the resulting MP4 with VLC. Now I finally have a solution. A few days ago I discovered a program called Media Player Classic Home Cinema, shortened to MPC-HC. It's a completely free open source program. It's a simple program, lacking the features of VLC, but it plays Blu-ray discs and it allows screenshots. That's all I need. It's the program I'll be using from now on. Click here to download the newest version.

Evil Toons (4½ Stars)

Everyone hates being woken up early in the morning. So do I. But there are rare occasions when it's acceptable. One of them is when the postman is delivering something marvellous. Look what he brought me today. The 25th anniversary edition of "Evil Toons", remastered for Blu-ray, personally signed by Fred Olen Ray. For something like this he could have knocked on my bedroom door and dragged me out of bed naked.

"Evil Toons" was filmed in eight days in late 1991 and tells a true story, featuring the people who took part in the incidents. How do I know it's true? It's because Fred Olen Ray tells us it's all true, and we know he would never lie to us.

Four college girls are hired to clean a house before it's sold. It's a large house that's been empty for years, so they have to stay in the house all weekend. Whatever pays the bills. On the first evening a mysterious man in a long cloak delivers an old book written in Latin. Just like college girls anywhere in the world, they do what comes naturally. They open it and read one of the pages out loud. This summons a demon who's been trapped in the pages of the book. The demon possesses the body of one of the girls, Roxanne, and she goes on a killing spree.

"This looks like an interesting book, girls. What should we do?"

"I know! Let's read it together. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I will kill you all! I will devour your souls! The streets will run with blood!"

As you can see, it's not recommendable to read old books written in Latin, or any other old language that you don't understand. Since this is all a true story, it means that the Earth had a narrow escape in 1991. If you're reading my blog now you know that you're alive and safe. How did the girls manage to defeat the demon? It's not a secret. If you hurry you can still get a copy of the story on Blu-ray, limited to 1000 copies, all signed personally by Fred Olen Ray. If you wait too long you'll have to make do with the DVD release. It tells the same true story, but it doesn't look as good. That's a shame. An important story about the world being saved needs to be watched in the best possible quality.

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The Mad Monk (3 Stars)

A tale of Gods and demons. This is a film made in Hong Kong in 1993. I suspect that I would have understood it better if I were more knowledgeable about Chinese mythology. I couldn't distinguish which characters in the film are based on Chinese legends and which were added for comic effect.

In Heaven the Gods complain to the Jade Emperor about the poor conduct of Dragon Fighter Lohan, a lower ranking God. They say that he's unworthy of having reached Nirvana and want him to be sent back to Earth to be reincarnated as an animal. The Goddess of Mercy intervenes and sets Lohan a task to prove his worthiness. He is to be sent to Earth as a human, with the full knowledge of his Godhood but none of his divine powers. Within three days he must change the lives of three people, a beggar, a prostitute and a villain. All three are destined to remain in their current positions for their next nine lives, but he must rehabilitate them so that they can be reborn in a higher state.

As if that task isn't difficult in itself, Lohan discovers that the villain has pledged his service to the evil God Heh Lo Sha, who wants to walk the Earth and prevent anyone being reincarnated ever again.

The film confused me from beginning to end. The comedy is on the level of slapstick, but there are serious messages behind it. Parts of the film are visually disgusting, such as the beggar having a body that's covered with contagious boils. Nasty.

I can't imagine that I'll watch this film again. Maybe if a Chinese friend wants to sit with me and give me a running commentary of what's happening I'll reconsider.