Cosmic Calendar Girls (4 Stars)

This is the third of the three films made by Terrance Ryker for Retromedia last year. I'm finally keeping my promises to my readers by reviewing it on the same day as I reviewed "Paranormal Sexperiments". Or maybe I should say "promise" in the singular. Are there any other promises I've made in the last seven years that I haven't yet kept? If there are, please tell me, because I can't remember.

One thing that I do remember is that I have an anniversary coming up. September 14th will be the seventh anniversary of my blog. That date falls in the middle of the Stuttgart Film Festival (September 7th to 17th), so I might not have time to write about it. I'm already worried that I won't have time to write about all the films I watch. I'm considering just giving each film a rating and writing nothing about it, apart from inserting the film's description from the festival catalogue. After watching four or five films each day I need sleep. I can't sit at the computer for hours writing detailed reviews of each film.

Now to the film. Let's start once again with the film's title. There's some confusion here. According to the DVD box -- see the snapshot above -- the film is called "Cosmic Calendar Girls". According to the film's splash screen the film is called "Cosmic Cover Girls". Is that a mistake on the way to the printers?

I don't know the order in which DVD's are made, the disc or the inlay first, but I can guarantee you that the title on the DVD cover is correct. It's not about girls posing for a magazine. In the film we hear that Ilya (August Ames) is posing for a yearly calendar. Problem solved.

That leads into the plot. There's a crisis on the planet Galaxia in the seventh star system of Orion. Calendar sales have fallen into a black hole. I wonder what the problem is. Maybe Galaxia has the Internet and online porn as well. Who wants a calendar on the wall when you can have a slideshow of naked beauties on your computer screen? Better still, you can press a panic button if your mother walks in, so you can show her you're doing your homework. Or if it's your wife walking in the naked bodies can be replaced by spreadsheets to prove that you're spending hours at the computer working at home.

Galaxia's top model Ilya is sent to Earth to be photographed by Todd, who is recognised as Earth's greatest photographer. I hope they picked the right Todd, because nobody seems to know his last name. Todd is beamed up to the orbiting space ship to take the first photos. It's just like Star Trek, except he doesn't have to say "Beam me up, Scotty". Todd's girlfriend Rita calls the police, but Detective Barnes is out of his depth when it comes to alien abductions. Unable to find any clues, he has sex with Rita and a model called Jessi to keep the investigation going. That's good police work.

Todd hasn't been permanently abducted. He's beamed back to Earth with Ilya so he can photograph her again in a wild, exotic location: Los Angeles. Together they go to a bar, but Ilya underestimates the potency of Earth's alcohol. Her camouflage system breaks down and she begins to revert to her natural appearance, which is, in Todd's words, a slimy tentacle space slob. The only way for her to undo the effects of the alcohol is to have sex. That makes sense.

Todd, played by the Polish porn star Jay Smooth.

Detective Barnes, played by Cody Deal.

Jay Smooth and Cody Deal are both new to Retromedia's erotic films. They're both surprisingly good actors, especially Cody. I predict a big successful future for him.

In "Cosmic Calendar Girls" there are none of the long shots that stood out in "Paranormal Sexperiments". Terrance Ryker likes to vary his style. I still find the cinematography very good. Last year two new directors, Terrance Ryker and Sal V. Miers (aka Sam Silver), took over the softcore comedy romps from Dean McKendrick, each making three films each. After seeing all six films I have to say that Mr. Ryker is the better of the two directors. His films are closer to Dean McKendrick's style, which is what matters most. I find Terrance's films more arousing. He includes more lesbian scenes, and his solo shower scenes are outstanding. I hope we see more from him.

It's been suggested to me that I shouldn't call sex scenes with two girls "lesbian scenes". I should call them girl-girl scenes, because there are no lesbians in pornographic films, hardcore or softcore. If two girls have sex in a porn film it's not because they're lesbians, it's because they need to pass the time while they're waiting for their boyfriends to arrive. I understand the point that my friend is making, and I appreciate the input, but I'll stick with the word "lesbian". It's obvious to my readers what I mean, even if it isn't technically correct.

August Ames as Ilya.

Veronica Vain as Rita.

I have one last thought, aimed more at the actresses in the film than at the film itself. I've never understood why beautiful women have piercings. If a woman is unattractive I can understand it, because she wants to distract attention from her bodily defects, real or perceived. But if a beautiful woman pierces her nipples or her belly button she's vandalising her body. Tongue piercings are just as bad, but at least they can't be seen if the woman keeps her mouth shut. There should never be metal in any place that I like to kiss, lick or suck. You can quote me on that.