Zeta One (4 Stars)

"Zeta One", made in 1969, is generally considered to be one of the worst films ever made, by critics and fans alike, and yet it's recently been remastered and released on Blu-ray. Why do people bother? If you're a genuine film fan like me you know the answer already. If a film is called "bad" people smirk and make fun of it, ridiculing anyone who tries to defend it; but if a film is called "the worst" people are curious and want to see what's so bad about it. A counter-culture evolves that praises the worst films and gives them cult status. Just look at "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and "The Room", both of which are films with loyal fan bases.

So what about "Zeta One"? I assume that a lot of devoted film fans have seen it already, but I'll write this review for those who don't know it. Don't be fooled by the picture above, which is used on the Blu-ray cover. The film has no spaceships. There are no giant women. The costume worn by the woman is nothing like anything worn in the film. In short, the picture has nothing at all to do with the film.

James Word is a spy who works for the secret agency Department Five in London. His boss, W, sends him on a mission to thwart the plans of an evil mastermind, Major Bourdon, who wants to conquer the world. So far it sounds like a James Bond spoof, until we hear what Bourdon's plans are. He has discovered a secret society called Angria, pronounced like "angrier". It's a female only society with vast technological capabilities, including teleportation devices, unlimited video monitoring of the whole world, eternal youth, and to top it all off the women can fire invisible stun rays from their hands. The women of Angria are peaceful, despite their name, but Bourdon wants their technology for himself.

The Angrians are dressed like women from a fetish club, in outfits that consist of ropes and nipple caps. When they need to blend in they wear orange jackets and the shortest mini-skirts possible. At first glance it might look like a soft porn film, but it was actually intended as a British reply to "Barbarella". The problem was the budget. "Barbarella" had a budget of  $5 million, whereas the writer/director Michael Cort was only given £60,000 to make "Zeta One".

Who on Earth is Michael Cort? He has all the skill of an amateur who was kicked out of film school. Apart from inconsistencies, such as furniture changing position from one scene to the next, there are blatant errors in the screenplay. For instance, when an Angrian called Clotho is given 60 seconds to escape from Major Bourdon's hunting dogs James Word drives from London to Scotland to save her and arrives just in time. Not even a speeding ticket!

The 1960's were the days when film material was painfully expensive, so errors couldn't be corrected. If it was filmed it was used. When the budget eventually ran out the film was only 60 minutes long, so it couldn't be released. 18 months later it was decided that the footage was too good to waste, so the actor who played James Word, Robin Hawdon, was called back to film a scene talking to Yutte Stensgaard, who hadn't appeared in the rest of the film. An extra 25 minutes in his apartment, including a 10 minute game of strip poker!

Ironically, the scene with Yutte Stensgaard, which is only partially related to the rest of the film, is the part that has generated the biggest fan response. That's understandable. I consider her to be one of the most beautiful actress who has ever lived. One critic writes that the film is worth watching just for the ten seconds in which she runs naked through the apartment. I understand what he means, but I think the film has lots more bad scenes that are worth watching.

If you're a fan of bad films, there's no excuse for not watching "Zeta One". Whether you love it or hate it, you'll want to watch it again and again.