IF (4 Stars)

"IF" stands for "Imaginary Friends". 12-year-old Bea is living with her grandmother in New York City while her father is in hospital waiting for heart surgery. She finds that strange creatures live in an apartment in the building. They live with a man called Cal who collects imaginary friends that were abandoned when children grew up into adulthood. Cal is looking for someone to help him reunite  the imaginary friends with their former owners. Bea accepts the job, but she's not too successful.

I shan't go into the plot in any more detail to avoid spoilers. After seeing the trailers I was surprised that it's very much a children's film. I expected something that would bridge the gap between children's films and adult films, but there's hardly anything adult in the film.

I never had an imaginary friend as a child. As far as I know. One of the main themes of the film is that adults have forgotten their imaginary friends. As a child I was a loner. Until I was eight I lived on the grounds of Little Aston Hall. There were only three families, and neither of the other families had children, so I didn't have anyone to play with. If anyone ever needed an imaginary friend, it was me.

The Raid (5 Stars)

Every month my local cinema has a "Weird Wednesday" feature on the third Wednesday of the month. Isn't today the fourth Wednesday? Someone can't count. But apart from that, the organisers have said they intend to do a Weird Wednesday twice a month, on the first and third Wednesdays. This is still in planning, so it might not happen straight away, or only sporadically.

In the past the films were really weird. They were low budget horror films. The recent films haven't been weird, by my definition of the word. There's nothing weird about "The Raid", it's just a first rate action film.

It was announced beforehand that the film has been remastered, and the new version would be shown. That confused me. I've watched the film several times on Blu-ray, and I couldn't detect any faults. My questions were answered in the cinema. There was a short introduction by the director, Gareth Evans. When it comes to their own films, directors are their harshest critics. He said that the film had been made on a relatively low budget, and he hadn't been able to make it exactly as he wanted. He claimed that some scenes had been too murky, which I hadn't noticed, so he brightened them. Some special effects were reshot by the original team. He also said that he would have restructured parts of the film, but he resisted the temptation. The new version is exactly the same as the original version, it just looks better.

I confess, it's three years since I last watched "The Raid", so I couldn't see any differences. I'll just take Gareth's word for it, and I'll wait for the remastered version to be made available on disc.

I asked the organisers after the film if they intend to show "The Raid 2" in a future Weird Wednesday. They said they want to, but they don't yet have permission from the distributors. 2024 is the film's 10th anniversary, so they expect it to be settled before the end of the year.

Success Rate:  + 6.5

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Robot Dreams (4 Stars)

This is a film that I watched at the Fantasy Film Festival last year. For the festival no difference is made in the age requirements, whether a film has been rated or not. To avoid problems, the cinema doesn't allow anyone under the age of 18 into the festival. Now it's eight months later, and "Robot Dreams" is running in the normal cinema program, and the age certificate is 0. That's fair. It's a film that's suitable for children, so I took Oliver to see it today.

It's a bittersweet film. It takes place in an alternative version of New York City that's populated by animals. Dog is lonely. When he comes home after work – we never see his job – he sits alone in his apartment watching television. He buys a robot to keep him company. It's an affectionate robot that becomes his best friend. In fact, Dog and Robot are so affectionate towards one another that they could be called lovers. They could have lived happily ever after if Dog hadn't made a mistake. A big mistake. He goes to the beach and allows Robot to swim with him. Didn't anyone ever tell him that you shouldn't throw electrical devices in the water? Robot breaks down and lies motionless but awake on the beach. Dog comes back the next day, but it was the last day of the season, and the beach is locked.

Dog promises to return the next year, but it's not so easy. The beach may be sealed off, but scavengers come onto the beach from the sea. Are the two ever reunited? That's the film's story.

It's a beautifully made film, perfect for children. Oliver loved it. But I can guarantee that adults will like it as well. The film was made in Spain, but it's a silent film.

X (5 Stars)

Maxine. Everyone will know her name, especially after the next film about her arrives in the cinemas later this year. She's a preacher's daughter, she's a porn star, she's a murderer.

"X" takes place in 1979. The sequel will take place in 1985.

Success Rate:  + 13.1

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Young Frankenstein (5 Stars)

When I watched this film in the cinema earlier this week I didn't have much to say about it. Has that changed today? No. But the very fact that I've watched it twice in a week shows what a great film it is. Sometimes five stars aren't enough.

The photo shows Teri Garr as Inga. She's a beautiful actress that I didn't remember seeing in anything else. According to IMDB she's appeared in more than 60 films. The only one I've watched is "Let it ride", but I don't remember her, even though she was in a leading role. Is it worth watching again? Maybe. She also appeared in the Star Trek episode "Assignment Earth", which I remember well. So that was Teri Garr?

Yes, the cute little face with the innocent eyes is unmistakable.

Curiously, in 2008 a five-issue mini-series was written based on the characters from this episode. The woman on the cover is Teri's character, Roberta Lincoln. Her skirt wasn't that short on television, unfortunately. I need to read those comics. They're written and drawn by John Byrne, my favourite comic book author from Walsall.

Success Rate:  + 29.0

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Tarot (3 Stars)

This is a variation on the cabin in the woods films. A group of college students, four girls and three boys, spend a weekend in a mansion. That's a step up from the usual cabins. In the cellar they find a wooden box containing a deck of tarot cards. They know that one of the students, Haley, is an expert in the cards, so they ask her to read their fortunes. At first she refuses, because she said it's a rule that nobody should use another person's cards, but they insist. It's only fun.

So she lays cards for them, one at a time. It's a weird method. She lays 12 cards in a circle, then the main card in the middle.

The next day they return to college. One by one the students are killed, each one by the figure from the main card in his reading. After some research, they find out that the cards are 200 years old. The astrologist who designed them gave a baron a bad reading, telling him his wife would die, and when it came true he blamed her. The astrologist's daughter was killed, so she killed herself and transferred her soul into the cards to get revenge.

From what I've read, the film is a box office hit, but the critics don't like it, and I don't like it either. There are too many jump scares, but not enough to cover up a poor plot. None of it really makes sense. Apart from which, the cards are poorly drawn.

The Street Fighter (4 Stars)

Is the Street Fighter in the title a hero or a villain? There's a common concept of an anti-hero. Usually it's a person who's willing to do bad acts, such as murder, in order to achieve a good goal. A vigilante might kill a criminal if he doesn't think he'll be found guilty in court. "The ends justify the means". But what about Takuma Tsurugi? Does he have any motives at all apart from making money? In his previous films as Bodyguard Kiba he was a bodyguard who was prepared to defend criminals if they were paying him, but he had a heart. There were lines he wouldn't cross. But what about his new role?

The film begins with Tsurugi impersonating a Buddhist priest to pray with Shinkenbaru, a criminal awaiting the death penalty. He frees Shinkenbaru with a complex scheme of making him too sick to be executed. Is that done in America as well? If a convict has a bad fever, is his execution delayed?

Tsurugi frees Shinkenbaru on his way to hospital and sends him to Hong Kong. Tsurugi goes to collect the payment for his services from Shinkenbaru's brother, but he says that he doesn't have the three million Yen that he promised him. Tsurugi kills him in a fight. Then he kidnaps Shinkenbaru's sister and sells her as a prostitute.

Do we have any sympathy with the main character at this point?

The plot moves on. Sarah Hammett is an American woman living in Japan who's recently inherited the world's third largest oil company. She's being protected in a karate school. A Chinese gang offers Tsurugi five million Yen to kidnap her. He knows that the school's teacher is a skilled fighter who might defeat him, so he says he wants fifty million Yen. The gang tries to kill him, but he kills everyone sent to get him. Tsurugi goes to the karate school and offers himself as Sarah's personal protector. A bodyguard again! But as he makes clear, he's only doing it because he expects a very large payment.

Despite the main character's moral ambiguity, it's a good film. The fight scenes are stunning, even if they're slower than anything we see performed by Donnie Yen.

Wine: WZG Möglingen Trollinger-Lemberger

After the disappointment with my last bottle of wine, I decided to take another risk. The newly opened branch of the supermarket Edeka in my village has a large selection of Württemberg wines. I noticed that some of them were on special offer. Only 3.20 Euros for a bottle of Trollinger with Lemberger? That's not a bad price. Judging by the label, it looked like a generic wine, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's bad, so I laid my money down and took it home.

I was pleasantly surprised by the taste when I finally took a sip in the evening. The wine has a rich, fruity taste, not as mild as the Eberbach-Schäfer Trollinger with Lemberger that I often drink, but still a good wine. I checked the label on the back, and I realised what I'd bought. It's not a generic wine, it's a product of the wine cooperative in Möglingen. Möglingen is a small village close to Stuttgart. They're the largest wine cooperative in Württemberg, and one of the largest in Germany. Over 10,000 small vineyards in and around Stuttgart supply their grapes to the cooperative.

I'm critical of wine cooperatives in general. I have no doubt that they work hard to assure quality control, but can they guarantee consistency? Will the wine I drink ten years from now taste the same? On the other hand, I trust the wine from the Besigheimer Felsengarten cooperative. They're only supplied by 220 vineyards, which is a more manageable number.

What's the largest private vineyard in Württemberg that bottles its own wine? It's difficult to compare, because it's not well documented online. The largest that I know is Rolf Willy, which covers an area of 265 hectares. (A hectare is 10,000 square meters or 2.5 acres). Eberbach-Schäfer has only 17 hectares, meaning a smaller variety of wines.

Young Frankenstein (5 Stars)

"Young Frankenstein" was presented today for the monthly Weird Wednesday. When speaking with my friends before the film, I was both surprised and shocked that almost no one had ever seen it. How can a film this brilliant be simply forgotten? They know other films directed by Mel Brooks, such as "Blazing Saddles", but I consider "Young Frankenstein" his best film. It's amazing.

I had writer's block the last time I watched the film. I have writer's block today. That's no reflection on the film's quality. It would be brilliant even if I only wrote one word about it.

Success Rate:  + 29.0

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The Mummy Returns (4½ Stars)

I didn't just buy "The Mummy" last month. I bought a box set with the three Mummy films starring Brendan Fraser, The previous release of "The Mummy Returns" also suffered from having below average picture quality, but the remastered version I watched today is perfect. See how handsome Arnold Vosloo looks in the title role. If you like that sort of thing.

I prefer Rachel Weisz, who plays Rick O'Connell's wife Evelyn. Yes, she's his wife. They met in the last film, but now they're married and live in an exquisite mansion. He probably bought it with the money from selling his treasures. He wouldn't be able to afford a house like that from his Foreign Legion pension.

And what about Patricia Velasquez as the Mummy's resurrected lover Anck-Su-Namun? Most people would say that Rachel Weisz looks cuter, but I'm biased. I like bad girls.

Overall I consider that "The Mummy Returns" is just as good as the first film, but I have to deduct half a star because of the messy CGI in the final scene. It wasn't necessary to portray Dwayne Johnson as a human-scorpion hybrid. 

This is what he should look like: a mighty warrior. He doesn't need scorpion claws to fight. All he needs is the People's Elbow.

Now I just have to watch the third film, and I'll be up to date,

Success Rate:  + 2.4

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Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (4½ Stars)

This is the fourth film in the reboot of the Planet of the Apes franchise. It takes place many generations after the events of "War for the Planet of the Apes". According to the director, it's 200 years later, but that isn't obvious from the film itself. Humans are rarely seen, because the apes kill them on sight. The apes have now separated into different tribes. We see a tribe that calls itself the eagle tribe, because they train eagles as partners. The young ape Noah is the son of his tribe's leader. Together with two friends they climb to eagle nests to steal eggs, one each, for a ceremony called the bonding. This seems to be a coming of age ceremony. Each ape must find an egg, and when the eagle is born it becomes his own personal eagle.

There isn't peace among the apes. Another tribe is warlike and intends to conquer all other tribes to unite them. Most of the eagle tribe is captured and led away as prisoners. Only Noah escapes. He sets out to find his tribe and free his father. On the way he meets an orangutan called Raka and a lone woman called Nova. Where does she come from? When he finds out that she can speak, he realises that she's keeping secrets.

This film is slower moving than the previous films. Yes, there are scenes of violence, but mostly the film is thoughtful, showing the consequences of the new world and how the apes are managing to deal with it now that Caesar has gone. It's difficult for me to judge the film, because it's so different. It's a film I need to watch again as soon as possible.

The Garfield Movie (4 Stars)

Does this film fall into the category of a delayed sequel? The first five Garfield films were made from 2004 to 2009. Now there's a sixth film after a 15 year delay. Usually that's the sign of a poor movie, but I can't really judge, since I've never watched the first give films. Apart from that, I was impressed by the film I saw today. The children in the audience were laughing, and I was laughing as well.

The story's premise is that Garfield finally meets his father Vic after years of separation. But who's his mother? We meet Vic's ex-girlfriend, an evil Persian cat called Jinx, but it's never suggested that she's his mother. Maybe, maybe not. Garfield and Vic are sent on an (admittedly over-complicated) mission to get milk from a dairy. Don't worry that so much of the film doesn't make sense. The animated slapstick humour makes up for it.

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey 2 (4 Stars)

There's been a lot of talk about "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey". Apart from the disgust about a popular children's character being used for a horror film after the copyright expired, there was a general consensus that it was a bad film. That made me curious. I wanted to see it, but it wasn't shown in the cinemas. But now, a year later, there's a sequel. I rushed to the cinema expecting the film to be bad, or at least so-bad-it's good, but guess what? As the film progressed, I was surprised how good it is. There's a lot of gore, but it was well filmed, and the overall impression was that it was a good film.

When I got home I read reviews, and I saw what had happened. The critics agree with one another that the sequel is much better than the original. The first film was made on a shoestring budget of $50,000. It was successful enough to justify investing over a million dollars in the sequel.

I need to see the first film, not just to find out if it really is so bad, but also to see the background of the second film. It's a direct continuation from the first film, without introducing the characters. It's not fair of me to give a full review because I might be giving spoilers. What I mean is, things are said in the film, and I don't know whether they're new or things that were revealed in the first film. It's best that I don't say anything. Except that it's a film worth seeing.

Wine: Schmalzried Muskat-Trollinger

People who have read my wine reviews may think that I'm biased and I'll say any wine from Württemberg is good. This is the proof that it's not the case. A young lady that I met at the cinema recommended me the wine from Korb, a town that's about ten miles north-east of Stuttgart. So what did I do? You guessed it. I ran to the closest supermarket and picked up a bottle of wine from Korb, a Muskat-Trollinger from the Schmalzried vineyard.

In the evening I poured it into a decanter and waited patiently to let the wine breathe. Then I took my first sip. And yeuk! What was I drinking? It was so sour and unpalatable, I thought someone was playing a bad joke on me.

I drank the rest slowly. I thought it might grow on me. But it didn't. The following day I drank a second glass. It tasted slightly better after standing for a day. The third day (last night) I finished it. Never again. How dare Schmalzried sell something like this?

Before writing this review today I read online that this wine has won an award. You can see the green sticker on the bottle in the photo. Maybe, just maybe, something was wrong with the wine that I bought. Maybe some sort of contaminant found its way into the bottle, spoiling the taste. But then it would still be Schmalzried's fault. They bottle their own wine, so they should have quality control. Really, I should have taken the wine back to the supermarket and told them it was bad, but they would just have laughed at me. They have no way of knowing I'm a connoisseur who can tell the difference between good and bad wine.

No more Schmalzried wine for me. Never again.

The Fall Guy (5 Stars)

I'm growing to like the director David Leitch more and more. His films are always full of exaggerated action sequences. He can't be faulted. But sometimes I'm weird. I went into the cinema today with my mind made up to give "The Fall Guy" a four star rating. Ryan Gosling is an actor that I don't usually like. This was sealed by his awful performance in "La La Land". And he's the last actor I'd consider for an action role in a David Leitch film.

But as the film progressed, I couldn't help but realise that it's a straight five star film. The film won me over, and Ryan Gosling won me over.

Gosling plays a stunt man called Colt Seavers. In the 1980's there was a television series about a stunt man called Colt Seavers, but it's wrong to say that the film is based on the series. Apart from the name and the career, there's no comparison between the film and the series.

Colt is one of Hollywood's top stunt men, and he has a close connection with the action hero Tom Ryder (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), for whom he regularly steps in as his stunt double. Tom's fame is largely due to the stunts performed by Colt. Colt is the unseen hero. Only film insiders know his name.

Colt has an accident while performing a dangerous stunt which puts him in hospital for over a year. He doesn't want to return to his old career. He becomes a valet parking cars. But his ex-girlfriend is directing her first movie, and she asks him to return to make the film a success. It goes one step further. The lead actor of the film is Tom Ryder, but he's disappeared. The producer wants Colt to find him, and if he can't find him he should step in and become the lead actor himself.

It's difficult to describe the action that takes place, on the film set and in the real world. Ryan Gosling is surprisingly convincing as an action hero. Five stars.

The Doors (5 Stars)

This is the May 2024 selection for the "Best Of Cinema" film. It definitely belongs to the selection of films, unlike some others which have been announced for the coming months. I shan't name them now. Although there are differences in opinion about the quality of the film. I have a friend who's a big fan of the Doors, so much so that she even visited Jim Morrison's grave in Paris. A pilgrimage? She told me that the film is awful because it's so inaccurate. When I hear words like that I'm confused. I like the music by the Doors, especially their earlier music, but I wouldn't call myself a fan. My only knowledge of the band's history comes from this film, so I have no way of knowing how accurate it is. All I can say is that it's a good film, as far as the story is told.

Even though the film is called "The Doors", it's really a film about Jim Morrison. The other band members aren't fleshed out, they're just background figures. The film could just as well have been called "The Rise and Fall of Jim Morrison". He begins as a charismatic wild boy, and a few years later he's descended into drugs and alcohol. He makes Mick Jagger look tame in comparison.

I like the way he's portrayed in the early scenes. I see a lot of myself in him. He's a lot like I was in my mid teens, 16 to 18. It's difficult to explain what I mean. I didn't take drugs, but I still had a feeling for the world that was delirious. It's like I was high without taking drugs. I always felt that I was a hippy born too late for the hippy era. I often walked barefoot in the Walsall town centre for no other reason than to be different.

The film takes place in a different era, 1963 to 1971. Society seems so primitive. The police are always fast to step in when Jim says or does something offensive. Today people would just tut and look the other way.

I've listed Jennifer Tilly in the credits, but her scene was cut from the film. You can find it online.

Success Rate:  - 0.9

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The Postman Fights Back (4 Stars)

No, this isn't the remake of a Kevin Costner film. It's a Hong Kong film made by Ronny Yu in 1982. Interestingly, the special effects look better than in "The Bride With The White Hair", which he made eleven years later.

It's not clear to me when the film takes place, but another reviewer says it's 1913. I don't know where he gets that from, but it makes sense, based on the technology we see in the film. Most of the action is with sword fights and kung fu, but in some scenes there are modern looking firearms.

Ma is a postman. He carries letters between villages. He isn't actually paid for his work. When he arrives in a village a collection is made among the people who are happy to receive mail. He's warned by his relatives that a new railroad is being built and he'll soon be unneeded.

He's asked to deliver four cases to a general in the north. At first he refuses, saying that he only delivers letters, but the pay is so much that he can't turn it down. He wants to do the delivery with two friends, but a fourth man that he hardly knows is added to the group. It's said that he knows the bandits on the road, so he'll be a good addition to the group. At first the extra man, Fu Jun, is an outsider in the group, but he soon makes friends with the others.

So they set off. They're forbidden to open the cases, however curious they are about the contents. On the way they're frequently attacked by bandits. Is it worth the money? To add to the problems, two women attach themselves to the group. One is a woman from Ma's village who wants to go to Shanghai to buy her sister back from slavery. Another is a woman who they rescue from bandits on the way.

The film is good, though confusing. I suspect I'd enjoy it more if I knew the historical background. What was happening in China in 1913? I have no idea. But one thing that disturbs me is that the film has so much smoking. The postman and his three companions are constantly puffing at cigarettes. Don't they get out of breath when they're fighting?

Another problem is that the film is uneven. For the first half hour Ma, the postman, is the main character, but as it continues Fu Jun has more screen time.

Curse of Chucky (3 Stars)

I'm sorry to say that this is the weakest film in the Chucky series. There's none of the fast action that we're used to, interspersed with comedy. It's just long, lingering suspense. We have to wait 88 minutes before we see the wonderful Jennifer Tilly, and a minute later she's gone. If I remember correctly, the seventh film in the series is better, but I've only watched it once, so I can't be sure. I'll try to watch it again later this week.

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Scarface (5 Stars)

"Scarface" is a story of the American dream. You can come to America with nothing, but if you work hard you can move to the top fast. That's what Tony Montana wanted. He came to America on a boat from Cuba in 1983 with nothing in his pocket. It wasn't even certain that he'd be allowed to stay in America. But he worked hard. He was a criminal, but crime in a business like any other. With hard work he became the biggest drug dealer in South Florida.

Even though Tony is the bad guy, people have sympathy with him. That's probably because they value his work ethic. They respect him as the underdog who came out on top.

But he fell from his top position. Was it his morals? Was it because he refused to kill children for the Bolivian drug lord? I don't think so. He could have worked around it somehow. He was already acting erratically. The problem was drugs. Not the ones he was selling, the ones he was using. "Never get high on your own supply".

When a man has cocaine piled up on his desk, he's dead already.

The actress Jenna Presley gave up her career in pornography, blaming porn for ruining her life. She was wrong. Appearing nude in films ruined nothing; her drug addiction ruined her. She was the highest earning porn star in America, but she was always broke because she spent her money on drugs as soon as she earned it. Without drugs, she'd still be making high quality pornographic films today.

It's been argued that many things are a drug, even coffee and alcohol. I can see the problem in making clear definitions. I shan't attempt to define the word drug itself. I'll just talk about which drugs are harmful and should be outlawed. A drug is bad if you can't stop taking it. For instance, I drink coffee every day, but I've had times when I did without it for weeks, mostly when I was taking blood pressure medication in England. I missed my morning cup of coffee, but I didn't feel like I was suffering without it. Alcohol is a borderline case. Most people, including me, can take it or leave it, but there are many who need alcohol every day.

What about cigarettes? Nicotine isn't usually considered a drug because it's legal, but it's highly addictive. Despite warnings about negative effects, nobody who smokes can do without cigarettes.

An interesting case is marijuana. For years people have been saying it should be legalised because it's harmless. I've never used it myself, but I've had a lot of friends who smoked it, and I've made interesting observations. People who use marijuana like to talk about it. They become obsessed with it without noticing. It's a medically proven fact that it brings on psychotic episodes in people with a tendency to psychosis. The figures from studies vary between 10% and 15%. The normal marijuana users deny this. They make excuses or just say it isn't true. But I witnessed it myself in my second wife Nicola. She didn't smoke marijuana often, but whenever she did she became suicidal. I knew that and she knew that, but she still made mistakes. One afternoon we were sitting with Pete, a friend of mine in Birmingham, who regularly smoked marijuana. He offered her some, and she turned it down, saying it was bad for her. So he started a long monologue about how good it is. Eventually, despite my protests, she smoked a joint. When we went home Pete said, "Look how good it's made you feel". Later that evening I had to take her to hospital after she cut her wrists.

Cocaine is considered a helpful drug by many. It keeps people awake, and it helps them function. It's often called the drug of intellectuals. Maybe, just maybe, it can be helpful in small quantities, but how easy is it to remain with small quantities? I have no experience.

Heroin is a destructive drug. Whoever takes it is incapable of functioning in society. It's so addictive that a person's only interest in life is getting more heroin. I knew several heroin addicts, and they were all wrecks. Subhuman. There was only one exception. There was a girl called Maisie, the girlfriend of a drug dealer called Alexis Thomas. One day when I met her she said, "Mike, everyone told me that heroin is bad, but I take it and it makes me feel great".

I asked her how long she'd been taking it. She said "One week". I wonder if she's still alive today.

It's obvious that drugs (and I'm talking about illegal drugs) feel good when you try them. If they didn't, nobody would want them. But there's a sting in the tail. The negative effects come later. Maybe it doesn't feel as good any more, or maybe you realise that you're spending too much money on them and ruining your life. When you realise you can't stop, it's already too late. I wonder how many how many weeks Maisie needed to realise this point.

Success Rate:  + 0.6

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The Bride With White Hair (4 Stars)

I recently said I was considering a Ronny Yu marathon. On second thoughts, I shan't do it, at least not in the near future. I looked at my shelf and remembered that I have more than 20 unwatched films. I need to catch up on my new films before returning to my old films, however good they are. Or maybe I can make a mix of my new and old films. I'll see.

Nevertheless, I've picked one of Ronny Yu's films to watch today. It was made in 1993, when he still lived in Hong Kong. It's a tragic drama. Cho I-Hang is a master swordsman. He's destined to become the leader of the Wu-Tang clan, but he doesn't have the heart to become a killer. He thinks that as a swordsman he should protect those in distress, not go into war against rival clans.

One day he meets a beautiful young woman who's a member of a rival cult. She tells him she has no name, so he calls her Lien Ni-Cheng. This wins her heart, because nobody has ever wanted to give her a name, but they can't remain together. She's the lover of her cult's leader, a Siamese twin whose sister is joined to his back. That's really weird. Whenever he makes love to a woman, his sister is lying on his back laughing hysterically. That would put me off.

War breaks out between the cult and the Wu-Tang clan. Lien enters the temple and slaughters almost everyone. Is Cho able to take revenge against the woman he loves?

This is Cho's master instructing the children in swordsmanship and calligraphy. I've heard it said before that the two disciplines go together, but I've never understood why.

It's a spectacular film that's been highly praised by critics. I find it lacking because of the dated special effects. When the sword fighters leap into action they're just a blur. If the film had been made ten years later, it would have been a lot better.

China O'Brien 2 (4 Stars)

This is a sequel to "China O'Brien", made two years later in 1992. Once more it's distributed by the Hong Kong film company, Golden Harvest. The story also takes place two years after the events of the first film.

Despite showing reluctance at the end of the first film, the young man Dakota (Keith Cooke) has become a deputy. China O'Brien (Cynthia Rothrock) is still the sheriff of Park City, Utah, and she's managed to keep the town peaceful.

A drug dealer called Charlie Baskin has escaped from prison. He's vowed revenge on everyone who put him away, from the judge to the witnesses to the policeman who arrested him. One by one they're killed, and it's the main news on the television.

Only one target is missing. One of Charlie's gang testified against him, and is now living in witness protection in Park City using the name Frank Atkins. Somehow Baskin locates him, and he comes to Park City with his men. This is a special case. Unknown to the FBI, Atkins stole five million dollars of the drug money, and Baskin wants it back.

Atkins has the money in a hidden closet in his kitchen. I have to ask something. What's the point in stealing money and never touching it? He might as well have not had the money. If I'd been in his position I would have spent the money slowly, maybe $100 a week, maybe more on special occasions, but not enough that it would attract attention. That's the best way to get rid of stolen cash.

China, Dakota and her Australian school friend Matt Conroy (Richard Norton) fight against Baskin and his gang. It's unusual that the gang is made up of skilled martial artists, but we needed a good film.