Graf Porno bläst zum Zapfenstreich (3½ Stars)

This is the third film in the Graf Porno series, supposedly. I say supposedly, because it has no connection to the previous two films, apart from the name. Even within the context of the film, the name doesn't make sense, but I'll get to that below.

I had trouble understanding the film's title. "Zapfenstreich" usually refers to a military tattoo played by a military brass band, but there's no reference to the army in the film. I did some research and finally found the answer. If I'd been Bavarian I would have known straight away. The Zapfenstreich is the last song played at the Munich Oktoberfest each year, at 10:30 pm on the last day. The doors close an hour later. After the song begins no more beer is sold, although it's permissible to finish the beer already on the table. Most Bavarian revellers have two or three large glasses of beer in front of them for their last hour of celebration.

Knowing that, the film's title is easy to understand. It means "Count Porno performs the last song". The screenshot above shows the Italian superstar Rinaldo Talamonti at the Oktoberfest conducting the brass band for the yearly Zapfenstreich. Does that mean he's Count Porno? Not quite.

In the first two films Rinaldo Talamonti played the private detective Harry Holtz. In this film his name is Willibald. This old German name doesn't fit his strong Italian accent, but that's one of the film's minor flaws. The film tells two stories that run in parallel: Willibald's career and Willibald's social life.

Story 1: Willibald is a man who has difficulty keeping a job, usually because he's too easily distracted by the women around him. First he has a job as a cook in a topless bar in Munich, but his food tastes so bad that he's fired. Then he's hired by a junkyard owner called Egon Schmitt. Willibald's job is to repair the old cars.

Willibald has a second job helping a woman with her self defence training. His job is to pose as an attacker. He has to attempt to sexually assault her while she stands naked in her apartment. She throws him on the floor, and he has to start again. No, he doesn't get the girl. All he gets is a sore back from being repeatedly thrown on the floor. At least he gets paid for it. Are there really jobs like that? Where do I sign up? I might not be hired because I'm too big. Rinaldo Talamonti is only 5'2" which makes him easy to throw around.

Egon is facing bankruptcy, so he pretends to be a Count in order to marry the daughter of a rich farmer. Ah ha, so there's finally a Count in the film, even if it's only a fake Count! But he's not Count Porno, he uses his real name. Willibald has to dress up as Egon's chauffeur. When visiting the farm, Willibald is supposed to remain out of sight, but he can't help flirting with a farm girl under the beef hanging from the ceiling.

It's not explicitly stated, but we can assume that Willibald is still a virgin. He almost gets a chance to change things with the farm girl, until the farmer starts banging on the door. He's jealous, because the girl is his lover.

Willibald has to climb out of the window. Is it normal to hang meat upstairs?

And he makes a quick getaway on a pig. At least he still has his hat to make him recognisable as a chauffeur.

This is the funniest scene in the film.

Rinaldo began his career in German sex comedies, usually playing a stereotypical Italian immigrant, but in the 1980's he became a serious actor, appearing in films and television series in both Germany and Italy. He's still active today at the age of 74. I wonder if he thinks back fondly to riding a pig naked. It's something to tell his grandchildren and make them laugh.

Story 2: The story of Willibald's social life is interwoven in the film. The scenes are so drastically different that you'd think they're two different films. Maybe they are. Maybe they were filmed separately, and the director Alois Brummer threw them together at the last moment. It's the second story that I enjoy more, even though there's only the thinnest of plots.

Willibald lives in an apartment with 10 women who play in a brass band. They perform fully naked, and Willibald is their conductor. Poor Willibald doesn't have any sexual contact with them. They're more interested in one another than in him, but they let him watch while they're in bed kissing one another. They don't approve of him having girlfriends. When he invites a girl home they chase her away, then they rip Willibald's clothes off and give him a spanking. Did I call him Poor Willibald? I feel jealous of him. 

"You can watch, Willibald, but no touching!"

They practise in Willibald's apartment. Don't the neighbours complain about the noise?

Willibald examines the brass band.

Williband might only be a small Italian, but he has an enormous sword. The girls aren't impressed.

The inspection is over. Time to play again.

"Willibald! Are you getting excited?"

That's against the rules! Willibald has to be punished. They rip off his clothes and give him another spanking. Doesn't it occur to the girls that he might be enjoying it? I would.

This is one of three occasions in the film where girls rip off a man's clothes to punish him. Twice it's Willibald, once it's Egon.

Summing the film up, is it a good film? No. It's sexier and funnier than the previous film, but the story doesn't make much sense. Why is it called "Count Porno performs the last song", when Willibald isn't a Count, not even the film's fake Count?

The film is disjointed, and it's not only because of the two parallel stories. New characters appear late in the film, and they're not even named. Then they appear a second time, giving the impression they're important, but they still aren't named. The film is badly written and badly directed. Admittedly, this was only the first film that Alois Brummer directed. He'd previously worked as a producer. In the following years he went on to direct better films.

There's a strange epilogue which is irrelevant to the rest of the film, except to give Willibald a happy ending. While conducting the Zapfenstreich he spots his chimneysweep in the crowd with a beautiful young woman, the chimneysweep's daughter. They leave together, and (after watching Willibald's brass band riding horses naked) they have sex. It's probably Willibald's first time. He asks when he can see her again, and she tells him she'll be at next year's Oktoberfest.

What a weird film! I like the humour, and I like seeing women portrayed as the stronger sex, but the story is such a mess that I can't rate it any higher. 

Maybe I'm taking the film too seriously. Maybe I should just laugh at the jokes and drool over the naked girls, not worrying about the plot. I'll give the film another chance and try to be more open next time.