Friday, 8 January 2016

Dirty Blondes From Beyond (4½ Stars)

This is the 30th film in the Medina Collection, made in 2012. It's one of the best films in the collection. It features a chase across space that ends on the planet Earth. The two blondes are Princess Farra of Byfrexia and her assistant Vema. They are being pursued by the evil empress Krella of the Vulvian Empire who wants to make Farra her sex slave just because she can.

It's difficult for me to accept Christine Nguyen as an evil person. She's usually so cute and friendly and never stops smiling. All I can say is that if she ever wanted me to be her sex slave I would surrender without a fight.

These are the blondes, Farra and Vema, played by Brandin Rackley and Jazy Berlin. What's dirty about them? They look squeaky clean to me. Something about Brandin Rackley reminds me of Zsa Zsa Gabor. I'm sure it's deliberate, I just don't know what the relevance is to the film. It's the hairdo, the necklace and especially the fake accent that she uses.

Evan Stone is perfectly cast as the redneck who's the first human being the blondes encounter on Earth. I know rednecks are supposed to be stupid, but Evan must be the worst of the worst. Two sexy blondes arrive at his front door, and his immediate impulse is to pull out his gun and accuse them of trespassing? Silly man. On the other hand, in "Knock Knock" Keanu Reeves was more hospitable to pretty young girls on his doorstep, and look what happened to him.

Eric Masterson is just as perfect as the conspiracy theorist who lives in a trailer in the woods, always watching for proof of UFOs. On the other hand, he's a skilled actor who could play any role. He has talent that puts most big name Hollywood actors to shame.

The Earth's last line of defence against alien invaders is the Men in Black, agents Smith and Jones, better known as Alexandre Boisvert and Jenna Presley. My question is, does the Earth really need protecting against Zsa Zsa Gabor lookalikes? Let them conquer us. I'm sure that they would rule us better than Barak Obama, David Cameron and all the other idiots the western world has in power. And if Christine Nguyen made all of humanity her sex slaves it would be paradise. As long as I get my turn, that is.

Someone please tell Alexandre to stop shooting. He's ruining everything!

Today I discovered that there's a Japanese release of "Dirty Blondes from Beyond". That's an amazing DVD cover which has nothing at all to do with the film. I wonder who those girls are. They certainly aren't in the film.

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