Sunday, 12 November 2023

Smallville 3.09 - Asylum



This episode shows Lex Luthor in the Belle Reve psychiatric hospital. Just look at the way he has to sleep, on a metal slab with only a thin piece of rubber as a pillow. He's confined in a cage, so he can't even turn over. Admittedly, this is after he's attacked the guards, but it still seems inhumane. Is treatment like this common in America?

After a month in Belle Reve, Clark is finally allowed to visit Lex. I'm surprised he waited this long, because he already knew that Lex's illness is the result of his scotch being drugged. In the corridors Clark meets three old friends.


Ian Randall is a young man affected by the meteor rocks. He was an ace student with the ability to divide himself into two. We saw him in the second season episode "Dichotic".


Eric Summers is a young man who was able to steal Clark's powers when they were struck by lightning in the first season episode "Leech". He didn't have the maturity to use the powers for good.


Van McNulty is a young man that we saw in the third season episode "Extinction". He was on a mission to kill everyone affected by the meteor rocks.

After seeing these three characters from past episodes, one from each season, it should be obvious that some sort of conflict is brewing. At least, it's obvious to me now. At the time "Asylum" was broadcast, I doubt many viewers, if any, understood what was happening. It was two years since Eric Summers had been seen, and in 2004 there wasn't as much Internet coverage as today. The reaction of most viewers must have been "Damn! Who's that?"


Clark finds Lex in a communal room painting. It seems to be a self-portrait of himself destroying the world. In actual fact, the episode's director, Greg Beeman, painted the picture before the episode was filmed.

Lex insists that he knows Clark's secret after seeing stop a car last episode. Clark denies it, so Lex goes wild and attacks him. 


Later that evening Lex tries to break out, knocking out several guards on the way. He's only stopped when he's unable to climb over the barb wire on the fence. This scene broke my heart. I could feel his pain and frustration. What's it like to be held in an insane asylum when you know that you're not mad?

Tom Welling pointed out a blunder that I missed while watching the episode. Lex Luthor's hands are bleeding when he falls on the ground, but in the rest of the episode his hands aren't bandaged. That's something Greg Beeman missed. Maybe. The meteor rocks granted Lex the ability to heal quickly. It's not the super-fast healing that Marvel characters like Wolverine have, but the scars from the accident would have healed within a few days. But that's the point: a few days. The story continues when Lionel visits him the next day, and his hands aren't bandaged.


Back at the farm, Clark tells his parents he wants to help Lex break out. They dissuade him. Lex has already seen Clark's powers, and a breakout would be the final proof he needs.

Incidentally, I had to stop and replay this scene. I never realised Annette O'Toole had such a killer body. She's only Clark's mother in front of the camera. Tom's eyes must have wandered when she was standing in front of him.

Lionel is unhappy with Dr. Claire Foster for not yet having any success with Lex's treatment. He wants his short term memory to be erased. He suggests electroshock treatment, but Claire is reluctant. She says it's only successful in 50% of cases, and in the other 50% the person is left a vegetable. Lionel isn't happy. The next day Claire is found dead in her car.


Maybe Clark has been put off freeing Lex, but the three imprisoned bad guys have other plans. They see Clark and Lex as their way out. The plan is that Eric should steal Clark's powers, and Lex should give them money to pay for new identities on the outside.

Van bribes a guard to bring him a meteor rock. But there's no honour among madmen. The two Ians kill Van and take the meteor rock. A few minutes later Clark breaks into the asylum to free Lex. He rips open his cage – hooray! – but the two Ians attack him, weakening him with the meteor rock.


Ian (single again) hooks Clark up to high voltage wires and throw a switch while Eric is standing over him with the meteor rock. Clark's powers are transferred to Eric. He beats up Clark, then throws Ian through the air, possibly killing him.

At this very moment Lex is in the electroshock chair, where a replacement doctor is about to perform the therapy. The power surge makes the electricity fail. Anyone who reads as many comics as me knows that super-hero stories are built on coincidences. This is just as true in films and television as on the written page.

Clark grabs the meteor rock, which no longer weakens him. Holding the rock, he pushes Eric back into an electric box. There's another electric shock, which transfers Clark's powers back from Eric. At this moment the electric current is restored, and Lex's electroshock therapy is completed. That was another scene that hurt me deeply. I can't bring myself to watch it again, and I refuse to publish screenshots.

Electroshock therapy, sometimes called electroconvulsive therapy, is a terrible treatment which usually does more harm than good. The main purpose in real world usage is  to calm down an aggressive person, but it does this by destroying part of the brain. There have been calls for it to be banned, but it's never been stopped outright. Its usage has been lessened since the 1980's, but there's been a recent surge in popularity, especially in America. Basically, electroshock therapy is a psychiatrist's admission of failure. If he can't treat a person with medication he gives him an electric shock to kill his brain cells. If it doesn't work, he repeats the procedure, killing more and more brain cells until the person is finally docile.

I've read literature which claims that electroshock therapy can be advantageous for certain illnesses. Don't believe it. It's all lies. It's better to die than have electroshock therapy.

After the treatment Lex is discharged from the hospital. Clark visits him to see how he's doing. The treatment has been a success, in Lionel Luthor's eyes. Lex has forgotten everything that happened in the last few weeks. He can't remember finding out that his father killed his grandparents, and he can't remember seeing Clark use his powers. He's sitting calmly in his mansion sipping his scotch. Terrible! He's only half the man he used to be, but he's fortunate. This meteor rock powers will heal the brain damage caused by the electroshock. "Smallville" is fiction. That doesn't happen in real life.

Incidentally, Lionel regrets Lex's electroshock treatment afterwards. He sees security camera footage of Clark's visit in which Lex says "I know your secret". Lionel wanted to know Clark's secret, but now he can't ask Lex any more.


There's an important subplot. Lana is in physical therapy, recovering from the injuries of being trampled by a horse last episode. Another patient, Adam Knight, mocks her for giving up to easily. This irritates her, because she's trying her best, but his criticism encourages her to try even harder. He asks her if she was injured in a cheerleader pileup.

Even Ryan Tellez, who's never seen the series before, realised that this is the start of a new romance. In the podcast Tom Welling shares his relationship wisdom:

"If a man likes a beautiful woman, he insults her first, because no one ever does. It gets her to notice him".

Hmmm... thanks but no thanks, Tom. I'm not going to take your advice.


They bid farewell when she leaves the clinic. Who is invading whose personal space?

When Lana returns home, there's a big party for her at the Talon. She's surrounded by dozens of friends that we've never seen before. They were the best Canadian extras who could be found at short notice. Lana is talking to Chloe and Pete, but when Clark walks in she pointedly looks away.


This is an excellent episode, despite the unpleasant scenes. Thank you to Michael and Tom for making it interesting. I felt that I gained more from the podcast than I did in previous weeks.

But what's with Michael's doggy caps? In the picture above he's wearing a cap for Rosie's Dog Beach. Last week his cap was for Laurel Canyon Dog Park. Is he paid for product placement?

Always hold on to Smallville

and...

Bring back the Blu-rays.

Saturday, 11 November 2023

Lords of Chaos (5 Stars)


Today is the sixth time I've watched "Lords of Chaos". I'm sure I'll watch it more often. It's a film that practically demands repeated viewing in order to sample the nuances. Today I noticed two things for the first time:

There's a raven sitting on a cross outside a burning church. The raven is a symbol of Odin.

Throughout the film there is no mention of drugs. Is this accurate?


Something about "Lords of Chaos" fascinates me. The young men in the film are twisted, especially Mayhem's bass player, Varg. I can't agree with their crusade to burn churches. I respect the beliefs of other people too much. But the savage imagery of the film presents a life style that attracts me in a morbid way.

Before writing this review I made a lot of screenshots of the self-inflicted violence in the early scenes of the film. There's a lot of blood. I decided not to include them in this post. They might put readers off the film. The singer Pelle Ohlin, aka Dead, used to cut his wrists on stage and spray his blood on the fans in the audience. It's not a pretty sight.

Do I like Mayhem's music? When I wrote my last review 20 months ago I said that I enjoyed their first album. I listened to it again today, and I didn't like it. The music is too chaotic, without any recognisable structure. I'd probably enjoy it more in a live setting. But I'd stand at the back of the room to avoid the blood.

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Thursday, 9 November 2023

Smallville 3.08 - Shattered



The guest stars in this podcast are Al Gough and Miles Millar. It's always a pleasure to see them. Their presence lifts the podcast to a different level. They appeared by video link for 26 minutes in the middle of the podcast.

The regular team is all present. Ryan Tellez has returned from a camping trip with his father.

Tom Welling is back in his main room after having a guest stay with him for four months.

Michael Rosenbaum is chewing gum all the way through the podcast. It's annoying.

There's something special about the episode "Shattered" that nobody mentioned. It's the first episode in the series so far that only tells one single story. What I mean is, there are no subplots.


The episode opens with the return of Morgan Edge, who was seemingly killed in the episode "Phoenix". He's given plastic surgery so that nobody can recognise him. As Al Gough explains in the podcast, this was a last minute addition to the script, because Rutger Hauer didn't have time to appear in the episode. Plastic surgery is a neat way to swap actors. Lex Luthor finds him and forces him at gunpoint to confess to having killed his grandparents. Morgan says that he blew up their building on instructions from Lionel Luthor. That's all that Lex wanted to know. He wants to put his father into jail.

Back in his mansion, someone breaks in through a skylight. He fires a gun at Lex, but as we can see from the erratic red pointer, he's deliberately missing. We see it, but Lex doesn't. His security guard Darius is killed, so Lex dives out of the window. He hides at the Kent farm. Clark isn't even allowed to tell his parents that he's there.

The next day Lionel Luthor comes to the farm, saying that he's looking for Lex. He says that Lex is having a psychotic breakdown and needs help. After Lionel leaves, Clark find Lex singing a lullaby to a rolled blanket, claiming that it's his brother Julian. Clark finds it necessary to inform his parents that Lex is hiding in the barn.

Lex says that he needs to find Morgan Edge to prove he's not crazy. Clark and Lex go to the warehouse where Morgan received plastic surgery, but they find a sweatshop full of illegal immigrants. Then they go to Luthor Mansion, and they find Darius still alive. Lex's psychiatrist, Dr. Claire Foster arrives and attempts to give him a sedative, but he grabs a gun and threatens everyone.


Clark suspects that someone is drugging Lex, so he hides him in the Smallville Stables. He wants to investigate his suspicions, so he asks Lana to look after him. Lex doesn't trust her and throws her into a horse stall, where a horse tramples her.

Clark gives Chloe a sample of the sedative that the doctor wanted to administer, but Chloe has it examined and finds out that it's harmless. Clark goes back to Luthor Mansion and forces Darius to confess. He says that a psychotic drug was put in Lex's scotch.

Lex goes to his father and threatens to shoot him. Lionel says that it was Morgan Edge who drugged him. Lionel gives Lex Morgan's address.


This is the cottage where Morgan is living. Wow! It might be smaller than Luthor Mansion, but it has a lot more style. It's the sort of house where I'd like to live.

An assassin is waiting for Clark at Smallville Stables. Clark overpowers him and forces him to give him Morgan's address.

Lex arrives at Morgan's cottage first and questions him about the drugging. Morgan says it was all Lionel's idea. Morgan wanted to kill Lex, but Lionel said it was better to drug him and drive him insane. Lex is about to shoot Morgan when Clark arrives and saves him. Clark is helpless against Morgan, because he's carrying rosary beads made of kryptonite. Lex shoots Morgan, wounding him, but he's still able to run away. Then he threatens to shoot Clark, thinking he's part of the plot against him. Seeing that Morgan is running away, Lex chases him. Morgan attempts to run Lex over, but Clark stops the car.


Clark blocks the car with his body.


Lex looks on in shock. This is proof that Clark isn't human.


At this moment Claire Foster arrives with two men. Lex tells her what he saw Clark do, but Clark has already left. She tells him he's delusional. because Clark was never there.


And Lex is taken away screaming. This is a tragic scene that almost made me cry. Lex has been declared insane, although we the viewers know that he was drugged. Or maybe he really is insane, but it's the result of the drugs.


Lex ends up in Belle Reve Sanitarium, staring at his reflection in the glass.

Is Claire Foster innocent? No. In the hallway she talks to Lionel Luthor. She promises that as a result of his treatment Lex will lose his short term memory. That seems strange to me. Wouldn't it be more effective to wipe out his long term memory?

Maybe there's just one small subplot. Clark visits Lana in hospital where she's recovering from her injuries. She says that she finally understands it's not safe for her to be close to Clark.


The podcast begins with Michael Rosenbaum sharing pearls of wisdom. Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system, even though Mercury is the closest planet to the Sun. He must have been watching the Discovery Channel. Then he said that it rains diamonds on Uranus and Neptune. That sounded weird, so I looked it up. Michael presents it as a fact, but it's only a hypothesis. Scientists have performed experiments that suggest the atmosphere on the two planets might cause diamond rain, but the phenomenon has never been observed.

Michael remembers the episode quite well, because it was his biggest part in the series so far. It was very demanding for him to play a man who's going mad. One thing that annoyed him was that when Lex threatened his father he wasn't allowed to point the gun at his head. Al Gough said that there were certain absolute rules at the time, and one was that guns should never be pointed at someone's head. Huh? American television is strange. Another rule was that nobody could be shown smoking. Now that's a sensible rule! It was allowed to show someone with a smoking cigarette in his fingers, but it wasn't allowed to be shown in someone's mouth.

Miles Millar highly praised "Smallville". He said that it's a timeless series that will always be popular. He also said that it's better than any Superman films that have been made since. I strongly agree. No actors have ever been better at portraying Superman or Lex Luthor. Miles isn't just making empty boasts, he's absolutely right.

Al Gough and Miles Millar also praised Michael Rosenbaum for his outstanding acting in the episode. He should have been given an Emmy award, but "Smallville" was being broadcast on the CW channel, and nothing on CW was ever given an award. I don't understand that. Quality is quality, or so I thought.


I greatly enjoy the cinematography in this episode. Look at this beautiful scene at the Kent Farm. It's a 22-second scene in which the camera slowly moves down towards the Kents as they're discussing Lex. Beautiful.


And look at this shot of Allison Mack as Chloe Sullivan. It's as if the camera is caressing her face.

In my opinion, this is one of the best episodes so far.

Always hold on to Smallville

and...

Bring back the Blu-rays.

Wednesday, 8 November 2023

The Marvels (3 Stars)


Where has all the Marvel gone?

I used to connect the word "Marvel" with high quality. But that was a long time ago.

The film has action from the beginning, but it can't cover up the poor story-telling. The film makes no compromises for anyone who hasn't seen the last ten Marvel films and the "Ms. Marvel" series. The characters are thrown at us without any introduction.

I originally intended to write a few words about the plot. I've changed my mind. It's not worth it. If you really must go to see the film, don't expect a lot.

Tuesday, 7 November 2023

Universal Soldier (4 Stars)


This is a film I've never felt inclined to watch. I avoid films starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, and I'm indifferent to Dolph Lundgren. However, it's the choice for this month's "Best of Cinema" feature, so I turned up at the cinema and bought my ticket. Before the film started, the man sitting next to me was raving about how good the film was, which put me in the mood.

The film begins in Vietnam in 1969. The whole platoon of Luc Devereux has been wiped out. Almost the whole platoon. He finds his sergeant, Andrew Scott, in a hut torturing a family of civilians. "They're all our enemies", he claims. Luc tries to force him to stop, but the sergeant calls him a traitor. They get into a gunfight and they both die. Later their bodies are found, and they're carried away. To avoid any arguments about the circumstances of their deaths they're both declared MIA (Missing In Action).

25 years later the two men are alive. They haven't aged a day. They've been revived by a secret military agency. They have extraordinary strength and healing abilities, but they tend to overheat after being in action and need to be cooled down. Their memories have been erased, and they've been programmed to obey every order without question.

At this point the film seems like a cross between "Robocop" and "Terminator 2".

The erasure of the memories wasn't 100% successful. The two men still have vague recollections of their last experiences before their deaths. Luc is ordered to kill a reporter who's discovered their base. This reminds him of the incident with the Vietnamese villagers, so he rescues the reporter and flees. Sergeant Scott remembers that Luc was a traitor, so he makes it his personal mission to hunt him down.

Is it a "best of cinema" film? I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't call it a masterpiece. There's a lot of action, but no real depth to the characters. Sergeant Scott is the bad Terminator and Luc Devereux is the good Terminator, hunting one another to fight to the death. The chain-smoking reporter Veronica Roberts is annoyingly bland. She's just a rehash of a hundred other film reporters for whom the story is more important than anything else. I liked the film for the action, but the story is too superficial for me to want to watch it again. Next month's "Best of Cinema" film is better. I already know what it is.

Success Rate:  + 2.1

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Sunday, 5 November 2023

Dracula (1958 version) (5 Stars)


While watching "Dracula" today I wondered how it was received in 1958 when it was first released. Were the audiences prepared for what they saw? Did they know Bram Stoker's novel, of were they only acquainted with the 1931 film version? The purists who knew the book must have been shocked. So many things have been changed. It's not just deliberate changes, such as the film taking place in Bavaria instead of England. There are also blunders, such as getting the names of Mina and Lucy mixed up. Compared with the novel, the 1958 Dracula film is a mess. And yet, if judged on its own merits, it's a masterpiece. Christopher Lee is terrifying, much more than Bela Lugosi.


It's terrifying to see Christopher Lee appear at the top of the stairs. He's an imposing figure.


It's also terrifying to see him at the door.


Peter Cushing was the ideal choice to play Doctor Van Helsing. (We aren't told his first name in the film). He's a perfect gentleman in clothing and manners. His quiet, polite manners conceal the fact that he's capable of staking sleeping vampires without hesitation.

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are usually mentioned in the same breath by horror fans. They appeared in more than 20 films together, most of them horror films. In my opinion, their best joint performance was as Count Dracula and Doctor Van Helsing. Their respective performances bounce off one another.

Despite strongly deviating from the novel, this is one of the most powerful vampire movies ever made.

Success Rate:  + 13.4

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Saturday, 4 November 2023

The New Adventures of Pumuckl (4½ Stars)


Pumuckl is a favourite character among German children. He's a small Kobold who lives in a workshop in Munich. He's supposedly hundreds of years old, but he still acts like a mischievous child. He was first invented by Ellis Kraut in 1962 for a series of radio plays. Following on this, he appeared in three films (1982, 1994 and 2003) and two television series (1982-1988 and 1999). The film that I watched today isn't really a film. It's a collection of the first three episodes of a new television series that will begin in December this year.

From what I understand, Pumuckl fans didn't like the 1994 and 2003 films or the 1999 series, so the new series continues from the 1988 series. He used to live in the workshop of an old man, Master Eder. The first episode of the 2023 series tells us that he's died, and his nephew Florian has inherited the workshop. Supposedly the shop has been empty for 30 years, so it's possible that Florian was never told about it. Pumuckl didn't know Master Eder was dead, he just noticed that he didn't come to work any more. In fact, Pumuckl doesn't even understand what death is. Florian has to explain it to him.

In the first episode Florian sells the workshop for a large price to an investor who wants to rip it down to build a parking garage. We're not told exactly how much, but Florian's wife looks at the cheque and exclaims "So many zeroes!" When Florian meets Pumuckl, he likes him immediately and doesn't want to make him homeless, so he cancels the sale and takes over the shop as its new carpenter. Florian's wife doesn't understand. Pumuckl is invisible to everyone except Florian.

After the (almost) serious first episode, the other two episodes show Pumuckl as a prankster. For instance, he squirts water from a hosepipe at two policemen in the yard outside the shop. There was loud laughter throughout the cinema. German children must be anti-authoritarian.

Despite being in its second week, the cinema was about half full of parents with their children. I want to watch the series when it's shown on television next month. It's wonderful.

Wednesday, 1 November 2023

Halloween Park (5 Stars)


This is a film that was sprung on me. My local cinema didn't show any trailers or display advance posters. It was only listed three days before it started. It's a Swedish film called "Karusell" ("Carousel"). I find the international title, "Halloween Park", more appropriate. Maybe it should have been called "I know what you did last Halloween".

At Halloween there's a party where youngsters drink and take drugs. 15-year-old Petra is unpopular, and the other children are disappointed that she arrives at the party. They spike her drinks with LSD. She runs into the forest and dies in an accident.

On Halloween the next year the five children responsible for Petra's death are invited to a midnight VIP show at the Liseberg fairground. They're the only guests, and they can go on the rides all night. Not just the carousel. They can ride the roller coaster, the Ferris wheel and other rides whose names I don't know. But a killer in a Halloween mask is hunting them down.

This is a perfect slasher movie. It carefully includes a hook for a sequel film, so it might be the start of a new franchise. I can already hear the critics yelling that it's too predictable, but who cares? Slasher films don't need to have multiple plot twists, all they need is an unstoppable killer and a high body count.

The film was dubbed into German, but as always I have to praise the quality of the German dubbing. It was so good that it sounded like an original German film. Compare that to the awful English dubbing of "Veneciafrenia". Why is German dubbing so good and English dubbing so bad?

Tuesday, 31 October 2023

Halloween 2 (4½ Stars)


"Don't you know what happens at Halloween?" – "Yeah! We get candy!"

This is a direct sequel to "Halloween". It was made three years later, in 1981, but it starts immediately after the events of the first film. It's more accurate to say that the films overlap, because the first three minutes of "Halloween 2" is a repeat of the last three minutes of "Halloween".

Michael Myers was shot six times, but after falling out of the window he got up and walked away. Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasance) is determined to catch him before he can kill anyone else.

Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) received a stab wound in the first film, so she's taken to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital. Michael Myers follows her to the hospital. He stalks the corridors, killing person after person while searching for her.

This film reveals why he wants to kill Laurie. Unknown to her, she's Michael's sister. She was adopted when her parents died. He killed one of his sisters, now he wants to kill the other.

"Halloween 2" isn't quite up to the standard of the first film. Almost, but not quite. Nevertheless, it's a film that tidily rounds off the Michael Myers saga. Michael is burnt to a crisp and couldn't possibly survive. John Carpenter intended it to be the end of the character, but the studios thought differently.

Success Rate:  + 8.2

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Halloween [1978] (5 Stars)


I didn't watch a horror film every day this month, but I'm keeping to my tradition of watching the original version of "Halloween" every year on 31st October. It's a relatively new tradition; this is only my third year. This year I'm making it a double bill, watching "Halloween" and "Halloween 2" back to back. I don't know if I'll do that every year from now on. Maybe. They go well together, because the action continues seamlessly from the first film to the next.

I'm not going to write a review of the film. I assume everyone knows it, unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last 45 years.

Success Rate:  + 213.4

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Monday, 30 October 2023

Five Nights at Freddy's (4½ Stars)


I watched the trailer for "Five Nights at Freddy's" twenty-five times before I went to see the film. That's not an estimate. I watched it exactly twenty-five times. I know the exact number, because it was shown before every film at the Fantasy Film Festival last month. That's how many films I watched.

Having said that, the trailer gave me the wrong impression. It looked like a security guard taking his daughter with him to work at an abandoned fairground, where he was attacked by killer robots. But that's not what happens in the film. First, it isn't his daughter, it's his (much) younger sister. Second, it's not a fairground, it's a pizza parlour. Third, the robots aren't killers. Not all of them, anyway.

Mike Schmidt is a socially awkward young man. He's done a series of jobs, but he's always fired within a few weeks. After the death of his parents in an accident he's taking care of his younger sister Abby. Her age isn't stated, but the actress who played her was seven at the time of filming. Abby is distant, maybe due to the loss of her parents. She spends all her time drawing pictures or talking to an imaginary friend.

Mike is offered a job as a night watchman at a disused pizza parlour called Freddy Fazbear's. It needs protection against vandalism. The pizza parlour is full of still functional pinball machines, and there are also giant animal robots that play music. When it's least expected they come to life. Abby makes friends with the robots and plays with them every night.

So there's no danger? Of course there is, but I'm not going to give away everything. All I'll say is that Mike is haunted by dreams of his brother being abducted when they were small children. These dreams are somehow connected with Freddy's Pizza Parlour.

Based on what I've read, critics don't like the film, but it's been a commercial success with the public. The fans are right, the critics are wrong.

Sunday, 29 October 2023

Veneciafrenia (5 Stars)


I watched "Veneciafrenia" two days ago, but after waiting so long to see it I had to watch it again as soon as possible. It's an incredible non-slasher film. What's most shocking is that the Jester can kill his victims in public, because the tourists think it's all a show. When Arantza lies dying on the bridge everyone applauds, saying that the blood looks realistic.

Two days ago I watched the film in Spanish with English subtitles. Today I watched the film dubbed into English. It was awful! The voices of the older characters sound much too young, and there's no emotion in any of the voices. Did they pick up strangers from the street as voice actors? They should be ashamed of themselves.

In a way, it's a shame that the film isn't a real slasher movie. The character of the Jester is so terrifying that I'd like to see him again.

The Five Obstructions (2003) [Guest Writer] (3½ Stars)



In the year 2000, Lars von Trier, the 'enfant terrible' of cinema (and chief provocateur at many a Cannes film festival) challenged his Haiti-based fellow-Dane mentor/poet/director Jørgen Leth to remake a 13-minute surreal short film 'The Perfect Human' (1968)... not once, but in five different 'obstructed' variations. The film opens with the two colleagues chatting casually in Lars's dingy living room adorned by a dusty old school CRT TV. "The Perfect Human is a little gem that we're now going to ruin" says Lars with a glint of mephistophelean mischief in his eyes.

The tone of 'The Five Obstructions' (90 minutes of Blu-Ray) is one of dry, deadpan barely-humour and joyful underproduction. Lars instructs the cameraman to continue filming Jørgen while he takes two minutes to think silently.  "I want you to make a crap film. I want to banalize you," Lars tells his cinematic forebear with a sadistic yet loving level of control and authority. The two directors share the occasional smile as if operating on a buddy mentality, both acknowledging the tongue-in-cheek nature of the experiment. 

Let's start with a brief background: Lars Von Trier was the of pioneer of the avant-garde Dogme 95 movement together with Thomas Vinterberg. They spawned a signed declaration introducing self-imposed restrictions on their film-making. The aim was to preserve purity of intent and artistic integrity (story, acting and theme), and to prevent the churning out of shallow films where technological trickery would steal the limelight. The only Lars von Trier film to follow the movement 'to a tee' ended up being the provocative 'Idiots' (1998), but all of his subsequent works have featured elements of self-restraint in the use of artificial special effects. The timing and motivation of 'The Five Obstructions' are both byproducts of the same school of thought. 

'The Perfect Human' 1968 shows Claus Nissen's character jumping, dancing, and eating. We see close-ups of human knees : it is a clinical investigation into human perfection, set against a fully white background. Maiken Algren plays the perfect woman. "Here is a human ear... and here is an ear again." says a detached narrator voice. The main character is sorrowful about lost love while eating a lavish dinner, and expects to understand an existential thought he had, but only two days in the future. The film is open-ended and awkwardly poetic.

Lars proposes five different improvised-on-the-spot obstructions to his flustered colleague, Jørgen:

1) The first film needs to use choppy 12-frame edits, needs to be filmed in Cuba (an improvised rule due to Jørgen smoking a cigar at the time of asking) but needs to answer all of the original film's questions. Cuban dance and flickering imagery follow. The documentary follows the mundane, strange and awkward insights that Jørgen experiences on his travels. Low-key shaky cam musings reveal moments of raw insecurity and self-doubt.

2) Lars wants to push his colleague further with a second film. He instructs Jørgen to travel to the most wretched place on Earth and to play the main character himself. Jørgen chooses the deprived red light district in Mumbai, the most miserable place he remembers visiting. He sets up a transparent screen on a busy street and dressed up in a black-tie suit, performs jumping jacks and feasts on a succulent piece of fish, explaining that such a gourmet meal warrants a glass of Chablis and the finest silverware. Behind the screen, the bemused local folk stare at the opulence while the diner hums : "Why is joy so whimsical? Why is happiness so brief?"

The striking Mumbai film is a triumphant and thought-provoking interpretation of human 'perfection', one would assume? Not so, according to Lars. "I'm very disappointed in you," he says. The film is too good. The locals were not supposed to be shown, only Jørgen himself, to adequately verify whether the wretchedness of the location rubbed onto his friend's demeanour. To resist putting the local sights in the film was supposed to be the real challenge. Lars asks what would be an adequate punishment for misapplying the rules. Jørgen says he'd rather not decide what to do, so Lars says that either Jørgen needs to go back to Mumbai to film against a white wall or he faces the punishment of getting no rules to work with for the next film. Since Jørgen did not want to be left to his own devices, that is precisely what he gets.

3) The next film has French-speaking actors and English narration: it is a dreary film with daydreamy imagery of train tracks, chimneys and loud hotel sex in Brussels. At one point, Jørgen gains inspiration from eavesdropping on rowdy times in the hotel hallway. It is not clear whether the scene is scripted or spontaneous. This is the least entertaining film.

4) The fourth film needs to be a cartoon. "But I hate cartoons," Jørgen complains. "Me too, I f**king hate cartoons," Lars agrees. But he wants Jørgen to squirm. The poet-director explains that although a crap film is what Lars expects, he is too proud to succumb to mediocrity. Poetry matters to him too much. With the help of a Texan animation company, a polished and lyrical animated film is produced. It incorporates animated editions of the other film variations and elicits sentimentality about the human in a subtle way: a man dresses into a jacket multiple times in succession, never comfortable in his perfect skin. Lars is pleased. It is a cartoon. The feedback is short and to the point.

5) For the final film, Lars wants Jørgen to do nothing but to read a narration that Lars has prepared, and to falsely assume director credit for work that he did not do. In the narration, Jørgen expresses his displeasure in Lars forcing him to read words that are not his own. Except that those words are also written by Lars. Are you confused yet? Jørgen is made to declare his depressive traits and vulnerabilities. The real obstruction was the opposite way around:Jørgen inflicted it on Lars by not allowing any film leave a true mark on himself (by hiding his true self). The narration is set on a mellow backdrop of scenes from the documentary itself. 

'The Five Obstructions' is a memorable and unique personality study that veers into vacuous musings and airy pretence at times. It uses 'torturous awkwardness' as a tool to explore what art and inspiration mean. It is a fascinating watch for fans of cinema who are not easily distracted by experimental/meta constructions and who have patience to be challenged. The friendship and gentle respect between mentor and apprentice comes through, despite the jokingly sadistic nature of the asks. Films 2 and 4 were the highlights, as well as the clips from the original 1968 classic, dispersed throughout the runtime of the documentary. While watching, you will learn many 'indispensable' facts about life: for example, that caviar should be consumed using a bone spoon rather than a metallic one. 

Extra remarks:

The Blu-Ray is part of Curzon Cinema's beautiful new collection (2023) of von Trier films. The box is sturdy, has two 7-disc serpentine jewel cases with lush art, a book of essays (left-leaning Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Žižek reviews Melancholia, making the case for it being a tool for understanding clinical depression) and there are four special art posters for collectors (including the famous Dogme 95 declarations, if you fancy hanging it on your bedroom wall). The film 'Dancer in the Dark' is missing (rumour is that the HD version was of poor image quality), and another omission is The Kingdom (Riget) series. 

The disc for 'The Five Obstructions' contains a rare 36-minute experimental black-and-white film by a 22-year old Lars von Trier from 1978: The Orchid Gardener. The film starts with several minutes of ticking emanating from what looks like a birdless cuckoo clock. The disc also contains five minutes of well-spoken musings by film-maker Ari Aster (Midsommar, Hereditary). 

Wikipedia reveals that Jørgen Leth lived in Haiti until an earthquake destroyed most of his belongings in 2010. He continued to live there with friends for half of the year until 2013. He got into media trouble for admitting (in graphic detail) his sexual relations with the 17-year old daughter of his Haitian cook in an autobiography called 'The Imperfect Human'. Amid the controversy, Lars (who himself was accused of sexual harrassment by Björk) was supportive of the release of Erotic Man in 2010 and acted as executive producer. I choose not to speculate on specifics of such matters. 

Thank you to Mike for inviting guest reviews. I look forward to contributing more of these in good time.

- Nicholas Korpelainen

Trolls Band Together (4 Stars)


The five trolls Floyd, John Dory, Spruce, Clay and Baby Branch are in a highly successful boy band called Brozone. They disband after a concert that goes wrong. It's not just the band that splits up. The five brothers go their different ways.

15 years later Branch is no longer a baby. He's in a steady relationship with Queen Poppy. He hears that Floyd has been kidnapped by giant trolls, referred to as bergens. Floyd is trapped inside a diamond that channels his singing ability into the wearer. The only thing that can break the diamond open is perfect family harmony, so he goes on a quest to find his brothers and sing a song to free Floyd.

As you can tell from my brief description, it's a whimsical tale, but it has an overwhelming charm, especially for children. My grandson Oliver loved it, but the biggest reaction was from a girl two seats away. She was leaning forward on her seat for most of the film, and she couldn't stop laughing. I didn't laugh out loud, but I still found the film amusing.

The songs were sung by Justin Timberlake and various boy bands. That's not my sort of music. Normally I would have turned away, but in the context of the film it was perfect. Heavy metal wouldn't have been suitable.

It's a film I want to see again.

Friday, 27 October 2023

Veneciafrenia (5 Stars)



This is a film that I've been struggling to see for more than 18 months. The difficulties highlight the stupidity of Amazon. It was made in 2021 by Alex de la Iglesia, one of my favourite directors. I waited in vain for it to be released on Blu-ray. Finally I read that it's an Amazon original film, so it wouldn't be released on Blu-ray. That's disappointing. The film was being streamed on Amazon Prime Video in Spain, but without subtitles. Earlier this year I found out that it's now available on Amazon Prime Video in America. If it had been offered for free I could have watched it with a VPN, but it's only available to Buy or Rent, and my German credit cards are refused. Today I found a solution at last, with the help of a very good American friend. I sent her $9.99 by Paypal to buy the film. Then I used a VPN to log into her account. I downloaded the film from Amazon using the excellent software AnyStream. It's not cheap, but it's an essential tool for me as a blogger. Finally I had the film on my hard drive, ready to watch.

Why is Amazon so foolish? If Amazon Studios really intend to boycott the physical media market for their films, they should at least make them available for streaming all over the world. If I hadn't paid more than $150 for my software tool and hadn't had a friend who trusts me with her password, I would have been blocked from seeing this excellent film. That's not right. I hope that an Amazon employee somewhere reads this post and passes on my complaints to his superiors.


When "Veneciafrenia" was released it was described as a slasher movie. That's what it looks like, especially in the opening scenes, but I don't like to give it that title. It doesn't follow the rules of the slasher genre. If you're expecting a crazed killer with supernatural abilities, you'll be disappointed. It's closer to a political satire, but it's a political satire with a lot of killing.

Five Spanish tourists are on holiday in Venice. They arrive in the middle of a protest against cruise ships and the tourists they bring. I can understand this. Venice is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, but it's ruined by tourists. The delicate bridges and narrow alleyways are clogged with foreigners taking photos. The native population of Venice rises up against this threat. Most are happy to stand at the harbour and wave banners, but there's an extremist fringe that wants to kill the tourists.

This is a beautiful film, typical for Alex de la Iglesia. It deals with a mundane scenario, unwelcome tourists in a foreign land, but it escalates into scenes of utter madness. It's a film that everyone should watch in the Halloween week. If they can.

Thursday, 26 October 2023

The Conference (3½ Stars)



It makes a change for me to watch a Netflix Thursday film on a Thursday. I ought to do it more often.

This is a Swedish slasher film, added to Netflix just in time for Halloween. A company is going to build a shopping mall just outside a small Swedish village called Kolarängen. It's a real village, check it out. They promise to bring prosperity to the community, but the villagers aren't persuaded. A few days before the building begins the company's nine employees arrive for a last-minute conference. They stay at a holiday camp made up of small cabins. I wonder if this holiday camp really exists. They're given relaxing activities to prepare them for their work, such as building a raft and sack jumping.


Not all of the employees agree with the building. Some are shocked to find out that the farmer wasn't paid for the land that will be used. Is that legal? Signatures were forged to get planning permission. But someone wants revenge. A masked figure is prowling the holiday camp, slaughtering the occupants.

It's a reasonable film, but I was disappointed by the lack of character development. Some are young, some are old, some are men, some are women, but they're hardly distinguishable. I couldn't sympathise with the victims. Some of my readers might like the film. Give it a try. It's worth watching at least once.

Wednesday, 25 October 2023

Four's a Crowd (5 Stars)


I don't hesitate to buy any film made by Alex de la Iglesia. He's a reliable director who can't do anything wrong. His films always start off quietly and escalate. "Four's a crowd" is no exception. Anyone who's flicking around a streaming service for a random film might watch the first five minutes and think "This is boring". Be patient. This is one of the funniest films I've ever seen. I was laughing out loud as the action turned from one ridiculous extreme to another.

The original Spanish title is "El cuarto pasajero", i.e. "The fourth passenger". In this case, the official English title is an improvement, because the third passenger is just as relevant as the fourth.

Julian is a middle-aged businessman who lives in Madrid and works in Bilbao. Every Friday he drives home, and he returns to Bilbao on Monday. To make some money, he offers his services on a car-sharing app, taking three people with him. Lorena, aged 29, is a regular who travels with him every week. The other two passengers are different every week.

Julian has fallen in love with Lorena, but he's too shy to admit it. He's afraid she'll reject him because he's 20 years older than her. This Friday he's finally plucked up the courage to tell her. He's rehearsed a speech. The problem is his extra passengers; the third and fourth. The third is an extroverted man who won't stop talking. Additionally, he says he gets carsick on the back seat, so Julian can't sit next to Lorena. The fourth is a tall handsome man with a guitar, and Lorena is obviously attracted to him.

That's the setting. A simple enough story, a romantic comedy road movie. In the hands of any other director it really would have been boring. Alex de la Iglesia never does what's expected. His films are totally unpredictable. Maybe the film poster I've included above is a spoiler. But the car crash isn't the end of the story, it's just one of the many amusing episodes.

The Blu-ray has only been released in Spain, but it has English subtitles. Click here to buy it.