Bikini Hoe-Down (3 Stars)

"Oh Jeb... is that a big Bible in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?"

We all know what the bikini films of the 1990's were about. A business is failing, so it has to be saved by attracting new customers with the help of scantily clad women. This formula led to countless classics like "Bikini Carwash Company", "Bikini Airways" and "Bikini Drive-In". Unfortunately, "Bikini Hoe-Down" isn't a classic, despite being made by the King of B-Movies himself, Fred Olen Ray. In my opinion the problem with the film is that he strays too far from the formula. Trying to do something original isn't the right thing to do when you're making a bikini movie.

Three models, April, May and June, are members of a team of models known collectively as the Three Seasons. At the risk of sounding pedantic, shouldn't they be called the Three Months? They appear regularly in Plaything magazine wearing bikinis. Their photographer persuades them to pose naked for the first time. They travel to the glamorous destination for the photo shoot, but they get lost and end up in the sleepy town of Pig Hollow.

In Pig Hollow the largest farm is Ghost Gulch farm, where young Missy Sue lives with her father. The crooked mayor wants to take possession of the farm, so that he can sell the land to the government as a site for dumping nuclear waste. To get his hands on the farm he fakes a tax bill from the IRS for $25,000. Missy Sue is certain she'll be evicted. When the models arrive they offer to make money to pay the tax bill by holding a hoe-down at the farm

I've watched many of Fred Olen Ray's films, and this is one of his weakest. The girls look cute, whether they're wearing bikinis or even less, but they have no acting talent. Fred must have realised that naked breasts alone aren't enough to sell a film. In his following erotic comedies he paid more attention to hiring better actors and actresses.