Anna Nicole (4 Stars)

Usually the expression "Lifetime Movies" is synonymous with "low quality movies". They're films made with low budgets for the Lifetime TV channel, usually true stories about crimes or celebrities. "Anna Nicole" fits into that category, since it's a true story about a celebrity, but it's far superior to the usual Lifetime movies. Why? It's directed by Mary Harron, who has already made films about two of my heroes, Valerie Solanas and Bettie Page. Admittedly, Anna Nicole Smith isn't a hero of mine, but after watching Mary's deeply insightful portrayals of the other two women I wanted to see what she had to say about this controversial big breasted character.

I'll start by telling you what I knew about Anna Nicole Smith before watching the film. She was a busty model who married a rich old man, but when he died she inherited nothing. When her career declined she was the star of a fly-on-the-wall reality show, the Anna Nicole Show. Then she killed herself.

That's not much. The film filled in the blanks.

Anna Nicole Smith was born into a poor family on 28th November 1967 as Vickie Lynn Hogan. She dropped out of school at 14. She got married when she was 17 and was divorced when she was 25. She worked as a stripper in a small club. When she saw that the bustier strippers got more tips she had a boob job, increasing her breast size to 36DD. She was Playmate Pet of the Year in 1993.

From her early childhood she was fascinated by Marilyn Monroe. After her breast enhancement she had the same hair style and similar clothes to Marilyn, looking as much like her as she could. The only difference was that her breasts were bigger.

In 1991 Anna Nicole met the billionaire oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall in her club. He immediately began to give her extravagant gifts, first a horse, then a whole ranch. At the time she was still married. After her divorce she married him in 1994. He was 88 at the time, 62 years older than her. His son accused her of only marrying him for his money and tricked her out of her inheritance. When his father's health and eyesight deteriorated he gave him papers to sign which disinherited her. He died in 1995. Anna Nicole received nothing, even though she fought court battles to get money for the rest of her life.

In 2002 the Anna Nicole Show started. This was initially popular as a novelty, because it was only the second fly-on-the-wall reality show after "The Osbournes". I remember watching one episode, but I found Anna Nicole so shallow that I never watched another.

Throughout her life Anna Nicole had problems with addiction to alcohol and drugs. In the film we see her repeatedly swallowing unnamed pills. By 2002, when the reality show started, she was overweight and no longer in demand as a model. In the episode I watched she was continually complaining about her weight.

In 2006 Anna Nicole had her second child, a daughter, after a one-might-stand with a reporter. Three days later her 20-year-old son died of a drug overdose in her hospital room. Five months later she died of a drug overdose. The official report claims that it was an accidental death caused by a mixture of recreational drugs and prescription drugs. Her fans believe it was suicide because of the sadness of losing her son.

After watching the film I can't say that I have any more respect for Anna Nicole Smith. I still find her very shallow. However, I now have much more sympathy for her. Mary Harron has done an excellent job in portraying her life.

I have nothing against women having breast implants. On the contrary, I love big breasts. Most men do. That's a fact. I know there are some men who say they prefer small breasts and other men who say it doesn't matter, but they're a minority. At a guess I'd say 10% of men prefer small breasts and 20% say they don't care, but I doubt the sincerity of the latter group. What they really mean is "I prefer large breasts, but I'm happy with small breasts". Have my male readers ever tried to hold a conversation with a woman with large breasts? It's not easy. I'm a polite man, I look women in the eyes when I talk to them, but if a woman is very large breasted it's too hard to concentrate. When I visited the BBC in Mannheim the receptionist was tall and busty. I only had to exchange a few words when I visited, such as telling her who I was visiting, but it was usual for me to get flustered and stutter. I couldn't help myself.

What's important is that women should know that they don't need to have breast implants. It's their own body and their own decision. No man should tell them what to do. Anna Nicole made her breasts bigger to earn more money as a stripper. It was a clever business decision.

Considering Anna Nicole Smith was such a sexual person it's a shame the film doesn't show any nudity. That's partly because the Lifetime Movies are traditionally prude, but there's also a practical reason. Agnes Bruckner, the actress who plays Anna Nicole, only has a 34B cup size. To give herself the appearance of 36DD she needed a lot of push up and a lot of padding. In the scenes with deep cleavage, as above, she wore prosthetic breasts made out of plastic. That can work out well with good camera work, but in scenes with full nudity they would look too fake.

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