Dear Dictator (3 Stars)

Tatiana Mills is a 15-year-old girl who lives with her unmarried mother in a sleepy little American town called Derbyville. Her mother used to be a rebel. She became pregnant when she was in high school. Now Tatiana is also a rebel, in her own way. She's a fan of 1980's punk rock. Okay, I think 1970's punk was better, but I'll let it pass.

Tatiana's life is messed up. She's dating a Jesus freak, who's always telling her that it's evil to have sex before marriage. Her mother is dating a married dentist. She's an outsider in school.

Tatiana's class is given an assignment. To show them that there's more to life than texting on their phones all day, they're encouraged to write letters to someone they consider a role model. Some of the kids get answers, others don't. One of the boys in her class writes to Mark Zuckerberg. Tatiana writes to General Anton Vincent, the Communist dictator of a small Caribbean island. Anton is touched by the letter and replies. The two become pen pals.

"Dear Anton. Thanks for the armband. I'm wearing it right now, even though my Mom hates it, but I hate my Mom, so that makes us even. Okay, to be honest, I'm not wearing it right now, because it fell off when I was running away from someone. Long story. I hope everything is going good with your country. From Tatiana".

"Dear Tatiana, I'm sorry you and your mother are feuding. I have a daughter who is a little older than you, and at times she does not like me either. Things in my country are difficult right now. There is a rebel faction that wants to overthrow the government and behead me and my family. It is stressful. It feels like there is no one I can trust".

"Oh, I can really relate about the trust thing. I just got dicked over by a teacher who's got a stick up his butt because I wrote to you. To give you an idea of the loserdom at my school, there's a group of girls who call themselves slushies. It stands for sluts and lushes. Sarvia is the one they all worship, which is a joke, if you ever saw her. She thinks whale tails look good, and somehow everyone agrees with her. Borderline retarded, right? Anyway, I'm sorry that people want to kill you and your family. That's messed up. By the way, what's your favourite colour?"

"Your letters have been a welcome respite from my struggles. In addition to making threats of invasion, the United States supports the rebel army and has placed an embargo around our borders. It is impossible for goods to come in or out. My people cannot get medical supplies, and many people are dying. My favourite colour is purple".

"I like purple too. Does the embargo mean that you can't download cool music? That blows. Maybe I can rip a CD for your daughter. Does she like classic 80's hardcore? Bands like the Meatmen, the Dead Kennedys, Gangrene, Dead Milkmen, the Butthole Surfers, Agent Orange? Oh, definitely the Circle Jerks".

"Thank you for your lively music. My daughter enjoyed it. The rebels have surrounded the capital".

"I know it sounds psycho, because we've never even met, but sometimes I feel like you're the only one who gets me".

"My correspondence will be less frequent".

"Big bummer! P.S. I drew you a picture".

The worst happens. With US help, the rebels overthrow the government, and General Anton Vincent has to flee. His only friend outside of his country is Tatiana, so he arrives at her house, and he hides in her basement. After a few days her mother discovers him. Her initial shock fades away when he starts to do repairs around the house. He's also an excellent cook. She starts to have romantic feelings for him.

While hiding in Tatiana's house, Anton pursues two goals. He tries to get enough weapons to win back his country by bidding for them on Ebay. He gives Tatiana advice about how to overthrow the Slushies and become the school's new Mean Girl.

What would you do if a Communist dictator arrived in your house?

First, tell him to disguise himself.

Losing the beard is a good idea.

Who do I prefer? Mother or daughter?

I've always liked Katie Holmes. She has a natural sexuality.

But I prefer Odeya Rush's attitude, in the film at least. I like a girl who stands out from the crowd. She's the sort of girl I would have dated at school. And the first thing I would have done is play her all my 1970's punk records to persuade her that they're better. 

Would I like to have a Communist dictator in my basement? Someone like Vladimir Putin? No way! I draw the line when it comes to mass-murdering war criminals.

I wouldn't turn away Kim Yo-Jong, the sister of North Korea's president Kim Jong-Un. She's welcome to stay with me as long as she wishes, as long as she doesn't bring her big brother.

The film's premise is so good that I had to buy it, even though it's received negative reviews. The acting by Michael Caine and Odeya Rush is outstanding, even if Michael Caine's accent is erratic. In his political speeches he imitates an Australian accent, but when he arrives in America he talks with his normal British accent. The biggest problem with the films is the annoying subplots, i.e. the boyfriends. The unfaithful dentist played by Seth Green is so annoying that I wanted to fast forward every time he appeared on the screen. The teenage Jesus freak also annoyed me. The film would have been better without both of them. It should just have been about the schoolgirl and the dictator.