Sunday, 22 March 2015
Bagged (1 Star)
I bet this photo on the DVD box has got your attention. A sexy girl in a tiny crop top carrying a big gun. Helicopters. Cars exploding. The girl is wearing a khaki bikini bottom and has dog tags round her neck, so she's probably an ex-soldier. This looks like a sexy version of "Taken".
But hold on a moment. I have bad news for you. There are no helicopters in the film. No exploding cars. There's no big city, the action all takes place indoors or on hilltops. And worst of all, there are no girls with guns. The picture has nothing to do with the film, except for the fact that the girl does appear in the film, but covered up. It's not Stephanie Arellano though, it's Kelly Walker.
So what is the film about? The plot is so stupid that it's hardly worth describing, but if I don't say anything about it you might be so curious that you'll buy the film, and I want to stop that happening.
Lawrence Rutherford is a millionaire property developer. He has two daughters, Maria (Stephanie Arellano) and Memo (Kelly Walker). Memo is his real daughter, Maria is adopted. His wife has passed away, and he regrets never having had a son to take over his business. Memo has just turned 18, so he gives her an ultimatum: she must bear a son before he dies, so that he can have a grandson as his heir. If she doesn't have a son before her father dies his Will stipulates that the business will be sold and the money given to charity, leaving both daughters with nothing. It has to be Memo who has a son, because Maria is only adopted and it wouldn't be his bloodline. So Memo uses the Internet to find men to sleep with her.
Is that silly enough already? Wait, there's more. When Maria is walking home she finds a man who has been beat up by two thugs. He's suffering from amnesia and he has no proof of health insurance, so she brings him to a homeless shelter. She visits him regularly and a romance develops. Unknown to both of them the thugs who beat him up are looking for him. They are inept blunderers who repeatedly injure one another while searching for the mystery man.
I hope that's enough to put you off the film. The action scenes are so poorly filmed that they made me laugh. The comedy scenes were so poor that they made me groan. I regret watching the film all the way to the end. I kept thinking that it had to get better. It didn't.