Saturday, 28 July 2018

The Witches of Breastwick (4½ Stars)

This is a film made by Jim Wynorski in 2005, in the good old days when he made films with giant breasts, not giant sharks. The three witches shown above, from left to right Stormy Daniels, Julie K. Smith and Glori-Anne Gilbert, are the bustiest witches you'll find in any film. As usual, I'll refrain from posting nude photos of the actresses, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Sometimes I ask myself why I don't post tasteful nude snapshots from the films I watch. I don't know. Maybe I should change things. I'll think it over. I just don't want my blog to become popular for its nude content. It's about films. Please leave a comment below if you have any thoughts on the subject.

David Carter has been visiting a psychiatrist because of recurring nightmares. The same thing always happens. He's tied up and seduced by three busty women in a cabin who force him to have sex with them. Wait! That's a nightmare? The film always ends with him being stabbed to death by one of the women, but isn't that part of the thrill? The psychiatrist, played by the ever-perfect Jay Richardson, can't understand the problem and tells David he should just get over it. Maybe David's problem is that he wants to be faithful to his beautiful wife Tiffany, played by Monique Parent. Okay, I can understand that, but it's only a dream. Dreaming about sex isn't considered infidelity, unless the Catholic Church has special rules I don't know about.

David thinks he recognises the scenery in his dream, so he drives into the woods with Tiffany. Their car breaks down in front of a cabin on an isolated road. When they go to ask for help they find that the occupants are three busty women who look exactly like the women in David's dreams.

Now please, readers, you have to agree that this is how to make a good film. It wouldn't have been anywhere near as good to have the cabin occupied by three giant sharks. That would have spoilt the story. I maintain that film fans the world over would rather see big breasts than big sharks.

David is terrified of Lola (Julie K. Smith) because she's the woman who has repeatedly killed him in his dreams. He wants to leave, but they repeatedly seduce him, one at a time, to persuade him to stay. Doesn't Tiffany mind? She might do, but she's too busy to notice. Whenever one of the women is with David the other two are seducing Tiffany.

Why are they doing this to David? And more importantly, why don't they do it to me instead? We find out that David isn't a random victim. In the early 19th Century a Mexican woman called LaCacanya owned land near the cabin. Other settlers were jealous of her land, so they claimed she was a witch and had her burnt at the stake. As she died she swore a curse that she would kill all the descendants of the settlers. The three women in the cabin are her daughters who have lived all this time, prolonging their lives through witchcraft to fulfil their mother's will. David is unknowingly the last surviving descendant of the settlers, and the witches intend to kill him. They could have killed him a lot faster, but as we all know, girls just wanna have fun.

Oops! Did I just accidentally include a picture with a nipple? Maybe I should include more nudity after all.

This is one of the most erotic films I've ever seen. The beauty and sensuality of the three witches is astounding, and Monique Parent isn't bad either. This film is in serious need of Blu-ray remastering.

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