Blade (3 Stars)

"There's only one Blade. There's only ever going to be one Blade".

After seeing Blade's re-appearance in "Deadpool & Wolverine", I thought it would be good to return to the original Blade films. I admit that I could hardly remember them, which is always a bad sign. I checked my old posts and saw that I'd given the first film a low rating and the two sequels a high rating. So I watched "Blade" today, hoping I'd change my mind about it.

I didn't. The film has a cheap B-Movie feeling to it. There's a lot of action, but the characters aren't particularly interesting. Even Blade himself is someone I can't relate to. He's cold and heartless. To be fair, that's how he's portrayed in the comics, but it doesn't make him interesting as a character.

There's a certain poignancy to the mother-son relationship. Blade has spent all his life searching for the vampire who killed his mother. Now he finds out that she's still alive, and she's a servant of the vampire who turned her. Blade has to fight his mother to the death. This is something that could have been handled better by a more talented director.

The film's special effects are embarrassingly bad. Was it deliberate?

"Blade" was made in 1998. It can be considered a link between the poor quality direct-to-video Marvel films of the 1980's and the well produced films that began with "X-Men" in 2000. Next I'll have to watch the other two films and see if they really are better.

Success Rate:  + 0.9

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Rome 1.02 - How Titus Pullo brought down the Republic

One thing to remember about the series "Rome" is that the events are sometimes more stretched out than they appear. The second episode follows seamlessly from the first, but the historical events in the episode actually take place two years later.

The Roman Senate distrusts Julius Caesar. He's a consul, a political position which makes him immune from prosecution, but consulship usually only lasts one year. By special dispensation the consulship of Caesar and Pompey has been extended to five years, but this is due to expire within a month. The senator Cato wants to charge Caesar with waging an illegal war in Gaul. In my limited understanding of the Republic's constitution, the consuls commanded the army, but the Senate had to allow the army's use in any conflict.

Caesar knows that Pompey supports the Senate, so he sends bribes to make the people of Rome vote for his friend Mark Antony as tribune. In the Roman Republic, the tribune was a person who supported the rights of the common people. Among other things, the tribune had the right of vetoing any motion made by the Senate. This was necessary, because the Senate was made up almost entirely of patricians, i.e. noblemen.

Lucius Vorenus and Titus Pullo return to Rome. It's the first time Lucius has seen his wife for eight years, so he's shocked to see his wife Niobe with a small baby on her arm. Niobe tells him it's his grandson, the son of his 14-year-old daughter, but we later find out that Niobe is lying.

Octavian invites Lucius and Titus into his mother's house, calling them his friends. Atia is unwilling to accept commoners into her home, but Octavian insists. The two men are completely different. Lucius knows how to behave in the company of nobility, only speaking when he's spoken to. Titus is uncouth and gives his opinion on how Caesar should take care of Rome. Atia is refreshed, because his words are what she thinks but is too discreet to say aloud.

Lucius and Titus have returned from Gaul as wealthy men. A soldier's wages were low, but they could keep the spoils of war, anything they stole from their enemies. As a higher ranking officer, Lucius has collected more spoils. He tells Niobe that he has treasure worth 10,000 denarii. A denarius was the usual daily earning of a skilled labourer. Lucius invests his money by buying slaves. Titus goes into a gambling den and loses all his money. When he's about to leave he sees that one of the other men has been cheating and kills him. A brawl breaks out, and Titus staggers into Lucius' house to wait for a doctor.

In recent years we've grown used to the magnificent arenas in "Gladiator" and similar films. This is what the arenas in Rome really looked like. The gladiators weren't highly trained fighters. They were usually men who had been sentenced to death. Anyone who defeated his opponents was allowed to carry on living.

Pompey and Cicero meet in the arena to discuss politics, in particular how they should deal with Caesar. Pompey loves the fighting, whereas Cicero looks on critically.

There's a motion in the Senate to declare Caesar an enemy of Rome. Cato and Cicero belong to opposing factions, and when they both support the motion their factions follow them, so the motion is carried almost unanimously. Mark Antony wants to veto the motion, but a fight breaks out in the Senate before he can speak. He has to delay his veto until the Senate convenes again the following day.

Now we come to a recurring theme in the series. Lucius and Titus may just be commoners, but their actions determine the history of Rome. The history books tell us that Mark Antony was ambushed on the way to the Senate by a mob made up of Pompey's supporters. The episode doesn't contradict the historical accounts, but details are added. Mark Antony walks to the Senate, flanked by Lucius and Titus, followed by a retinue of men loyal to Caesar. Pompey's followers stand peacefully as they pass, until a friend of the man that Titus killed sees him. The man attacks Titus, but everyone assumes he's trying to attack Mark Antony, so a large battle ensues, and Mark Antony never reaches the Senate.

When Caesar hears of it, he claims that Rome has fallen into disorder. He says that Pompey himself has arranged for a tribune to be assaulted, so he needs to put things right. He takes his army into Italy. This in itself is a crime. No army is allowed to enter Italy, whether or not it's heading towards Rome. As soon as Caesar crosses the River Rubicon, the border between Italy and Gaul, the Roman Civil War has begun.

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Rome 1.01 - The Stolen Eagle

"Rome" was a television series that was originally broadcast from 2005 to 2007. If you read about it online, some sites say it was American (made by HBO), whereas others say it was English (made by BBC). The truth is that the BBC conceived the series and wanted to make it, but they didn't have enough money, so HBO invested in it. In other words, the BBC had creative control, while HBO handled the finances.

At the time it was the most expensive series that had ever been made. Since then it's been surpassed by "Game of Thrones". I mean it was the most expensive series measured by the cost per episode. The most expensive series measured by the total cost is Germany's "Tatort", which has cost over 2.5 billion dollars since it began in 1970. So far 1281 episodes of "Tatort" have been broadcast at the rate of 30 episodes a year. Each episode costs between two million and fourteen Euros.

I intend to write a short review of each episode. By doing this I'm taking a risk. My blog is in a mess. My long term readers must be aware that I've abandoned four projects without completion, so isn't it foolish to start a fifth?

The projects are:

1. Smallville (60 posts from August 2022 to January 2024)

2. Masha and the Bear (33 posts from August 2022 to December 2023)

3. WWF (28 posts from February 2022 to January 2024)

4. Marvel Bronze Age (88 posts from November 2022 to April 2023)

I like to blame the problems on the 10-week visit of my daughter from June to August this year, but if you look at the dates you can see that my projects were abandoned earlier. Now I have to decide: should I just forget about the projects or revive them? I'll order them by priority.

WWF is my top priority, and I'll restart the posts as soon as possible.

Smallville comes in second place. I'll fit the posts in when I have time.

Masha and the Bear comes in third place. I'll also try to make time.

I'm officially abandoning my Marvel Bronze Age reviews. I should have stopped at the end of the Steve Engelhart and Jim Starlin stories in March 2023. I even feel tempted to remove the following 21 Daredevil posts.

There's another problem looming on the horizon. My Google storage space is running out. For most people it's only a matter of taking too many photos, which can easily be remedied. I have the problem that every image I upload to my blog counts against my storage space. So far I'm using 10.1 GB. That's the sum of my pictures in the last 14 years. So I'll reach the 15 GB limit in the next six to seven years? Probably sooner, and I shouldn't wait until the last moment. Maybe I should stop posting in this blog and start a new blog with a new Google account. I'll have to decide in the next couple of years.

But for now I want to start reviewing "Rome". It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. It's a relatively small project, with only 22 episodes. I intend to do it quickly, within three months. Let's see if I can keep to that goal.

Roman history has fascinated me ever since I was at school. When I learnt Latin, I also had to learn about Roman history, from the founding of Rome (753 BC) to the fall of the Roman Empire (476 AD). Actually we didn't get up to 476 AD, we stopped at Nero's death in 68 AD and just did a brief overview of the following years. The series "Rome" deals with the years 52 BC to 30 BC. It was originally planned to make five seasons, but the series was cancelled after the second season because it was costing too much money. I wonder how far they would have got.

The series takes great pains to be historically accurate, while adding enough extra details to make it more interesting than a history lesson. The main characters are all taken from history, but the story is told through the eyes of two Roman soldiers, Titus Pullo and Lucius Vorenus, shown at the top of this post. Lucius is a centurion, and Titus is a soldier under his command. They're different ranks, so they're initially in a formal relationship with one another, but when they're discharged from the army they become friends. They're actually two soldiers who were named briefly in one of Caesar's books, but everything that they do in the series is fictional. They're two common men caught up in the whirlwind of history

52 BC was the last year of Julius Caesar's war against Gaul. The episode's opening battle shows the final subjugation of Gaul after the Romans had slaughtered over a million people. Rome has been a republic for the last 400 years, with a senate chosen by the people in a primitive form of democracy. The constitution of the republic included two magistrates, usually called consuls, who presided over the senate. I need to read up on this, I've forgotten a lot since I was at school. In 52 BC there were two consuls, Gnaeus Pompey and Julius Caesar. Pompey remained in Rome while Caesar was away at war. That's where the first episode begins.

Caesar and Pompey are friends, but they mistrust one another. Their friendship has been sealed by Caesar giving his only daughter to Pompey as a wife. She dies in childbirth, so Caesar writes to his niece Atia to ask her to find a replacement wife out of his family. Atia chooses her daughter Octavia. The only problem is that Octavia is already married, so she has to get divorced the following day.

A horse trader called Timon has a magnificent white horse that he intends to sell to Pompey. After having sex with Atia he gives it to her instead. Men are like that. She tells her 11-year-old son Octavian to ride the horse to Gaul to give it to Caesar as a gift. On the way there's an ambush. Most of the men in the party are killed, but Octavian is taken prisoner.

The eagle standard of Caesar is stolen. Mark Antony orders Lucius to find it. Lucius tortures many Gallic tribesmen until one of them tells him that the Blue Spaniard tribe stole it. Lucius takes Titus with him to search for the eagle. They see the gang holding Romans as prisoners and they free Octavian. A man recognisable as a slave of Pompey is in the gang, carrying the eagle standard. It's not clear to me whether the thieves really were Blue Spaniards or Pompey's men in disguise. (Please reply in the comment box if you have an opinion).

Pompey betrays Caesar by spurning Octavia and marrying an older woman. Caesar is angered by the various actions of Pompey and threatens to take his army to Rome.

Today is the first time I've watched this episode since 2006. I was so excited this evening that I watched it twice before beginning to write about it.

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Riefenstahl (4 Stars)

Today the cinema was full of people waiting to watch "Gladiator 2", but I preferred to see the new documentary about "Leni Riefenstahl". who lived from 22nd August 1902 to 8th September 2003. That was a long life, but her film career was short. Her final film was released in 1954, although its filming was completed in 1944. The confusion after the end of World War Two delayed the film's completion and release.

Leni began her career as an actress in 1925, but she turned to directing ain 1932. She's generally considered to be one of the greatest directors of the early 20th Century, despite the controversial nature of her films. She's best known for her documentary film "Triumph of the Will" (about the 1934 Nazi Party Congress) and her two-part documentary about the 1936 Olympic Games. All three films are considered to be Nazi propaganda films. When asked whether she wanted to create political propaganda she insisted that she was only interested in art. Adolf Hitler commissioned her to make the films, and her intention was to make the films as beautiful as possible.

To be fair to Leni, in the Olympic Games films she gave extensive coverage of Jesse Owens, the black American who won four gold medals.

When she was arrested to be denazified after the Second World War, it was decided that she was innocent. The examiners judged that she was an innocent person who was never a Nazi, neither in her ideology nor by being a party member. In later years this was repeatedly put in doubt. Evidence piled up that contradicted her claims that she knew nothing about the persecution of Jews. This is the main subject of the second half of the documentary. When interviewed, she always became angry when she was accused of knowing everything. For instance, while filming in Poland she looked on while soldiers shot 20 Jews to get them out of the background of a street scene. She denies this.

Talent and morals. Can you separate the two? She was an exceptional filmmaker, despite her close friendship with both Hitler and Goebbels. I watched "Triumph of the Will" on videotape many years ago. I've only seen short excerpts of the Olympic Games documentaries. I've never seen the films in which she appeared as an actress. I'd like to watch them all. Where can I find them? Very few films are available on disc, and only for high prices. Two of the films in which she acted can be bought for streaming on Amazon. "Triumph of the Will" can't be bought anywhere. It's too sensitive to be sold in Germany. The censors are stupid. I'm not a Nazi, far from it, but I want to judge the film as a work of art.

Deadpool & Wolverine (5 Stars)

Disney Wednesday #25

I was surprised to find out that "Deadpool & Wolverine" is already streaming on Disney Plus. I would have known if I'd occasionally logged in. As my readers know, I'm not much of a streaming fan. That doesn't mean I'm against streaming in principle. I have friends who boycott the streaming services. I wouldn't go that far. I need Netflix and the others to watch films that haven't been released on disc yet; or worse still, films like "Veneciafrenia" that will never be released on disc. Streaming services are also useful for me to watch films out of curiosity that I'm not sure I like.

I'm getting off topic. Concerning "Deadpool & Wolverine", I'm surprised that it's gone to streaming so soon. It's less than three months since it left the cinemas. Usually that's the sign that a film had performed badly at the box office, but that's hardly the case with "Deadpool & Wolverine". It's the second highest grossing film of the year so far, second only to "Inside Out 2".

It's a good film, though not up to the quality of the first two films. On the other hand, it's hilarious. There are non-stop in-jokes about the politics of the film studios behind the scenes. Not secret politics, of course. All Marvel fans have been reading what's going on with one company being bought by another.

I shan't write any more for now. I'll wait until I buy the film on Blu-ray, although I suspect that it'll only be a brief plot summary. The film isn't about the plot, it's about the jokes.

Success Rate:  + 4.7

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Gladiator (5 Stars)

My son Benjamin told me that he intends to go to see "Gladiator 2" on Monday, so he suggested that we rewatch "Gladiator" today. That was a good suggestion. It's one of my favourite films, included in my top 100 film list. Admittedly, it's in the bottom half of the list, but every film in my top 100 is a work of genius. There are even brilliant films that aren't quite in the top 100 because there isn't enough room for them. I actually have a top 200 list on my computer, but the bottom 100 are unordered. They're just a list of a hundred films that I don't want to forget because they're almost good enough to be in the top 100. Sometimes I change my mind and push a film into the top 100, but it's always with a heavy heart, because it means that another film has to be omitted.

"Gladiator 2" has been in the cinemas for ten days, but I still haven't gone to see it. I'll probably get round to it soon, but I admit that I have a certain aversion. The thought of making a sequel to an excellent film that's perfect in itself puts me off. There's no Russell Crowe, there's no Joaquin Phoenix. That's obvious, because both their characters died in the first film, but do you see what I mean? It's just an unrelated film which also takes place in an arena. If the film had been given a completely different name, it wouldn't have bothered me. Calling it "Gladiator 2" suggests that the film is something it isn't.

I've avoided reading reviews of "Gladiator 2" because I'll go and see it eventually. The only feedback I've received is the opinion of my friends who've seen it. They're unanimous. They all say, "It's good, but not as good as the original". That's what I expected. I'm sure it's a good film, though not good enough to enter my top 100. I just have to criticise my friends for calling "Gladiator" the original film. It's not the original of anything. It was a standalone film.

Success Rate:  + 2.5

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Elvira's Haunted Hills (3½ Stars)

In Germany this film has been released as part of a box set, entitled "Elvira Part 1 and 2". They don't get it. The two stories have no relation to one another, and technically it's not even the same character. The first film shows Elvira playing herself in the current day, i.e. 1988. The second film shows a character called Elvira and her adventures in the year 1851. Or do you think I'm being too picky?

The Elvira shown in "Elvira's Haunted Hills" isn't a television star, obviously. She's a stage cabaret star, performing song and dance for the masses. She's just put on a show in Transylvania, and her carriage breaks down when she's on her way to Paris. She's offered a lift, but the driver tells her she has to stay overnight in his castle because of a coming storm. One night can't hurt, can it?

Elvira becomes involved in the intrigues at the castle. It's the tenth anniversary of the death of the Lord's first wife. In the portraits she looks identical to Elvira. There's a suspicious family doctor who lives in the house. The handsome stable boy sneaks into the castle every night to read books.

And everyone is fascinated with Elvira's big breasts. Isn't that obvious?

In my first review, written way back in 2013, I rated the film higher. Watching the two films back to back, it's obviously inferior.

Elvira might be a sexy character, but it's all good, clean fun. We never see her nude. This is the closest the film gets. She's in a bubble bath playing with toy ships. I thought people like to play with rubber ducks. Not me though. My parents didn't have a bathroom equipped with rubber ducks, so I had to play with whatever I could find.

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Elvira Mistress of the Dark (5 Stars)

Wow! This was one of the first films I bought after buying my first DVD player in 2003, and yet I haven't watched it for at least 15 years. I'd forgotten how good it is. What's wrong with me? It's trashy, it's campy, it's brilliant. 

In the film Elvira plays herself. Her real name is Cassandra Peterson, but as soon as she puts on her black wig she becomes Elvira. She first appeared on television in 1981 as the host of "Movie Macabre", a series of so-called bad movies. After each commercial break she appeared to comment on the film so far, usually in a derogatory manner. Whether or not the films really were bad, "Movie Macabre" always had big ratings. I can think of two reasons.

That's how the film begins. Elvira is in the studio showing a cheap science fiction film. She quits her job after being groped by the head of the television channel. Then she finds out that she's been named in the Will of her great aunt Morgana. She drives to Fallwell, Massachusetts (population 1313) for the reading of the will. She's been left a house, a dog and a book.

The house is old, but it has style. I'd like to live there.

The dog is cute, if you like poodles with mohawks.

The book is written in a foreign language. Elvira thinks it's a cookbook, but it's actually a book of magical spells. Elvira's Uncle Vinnie is determined to get his hands on the book. When she refuses to sell it to him, he attempts to steal it. Vinnie is already a master of the dark arts, while Elvira is only just learning her powers. A mighty battle ensues.

The film is delightfully cheesy. Elvira's dialogue consists of a stream of one-liners. I can't imagine anyone not liking it.

Success Rate:  - 1.4

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Super Ninja Doll (5 Stars)

Forget the MCU. It had its day. Now we need superhero films like "Super Ninja Doll".

It was made way back in 2007 as the 16th film in the Medina Collection. I can verify that the lead actress, Christine Nguyen, hasn't aged a day since then. As she wrote on Facebook in 2020, "I'm Asian. I'll always be a schoolgirl".

And here she is, sitting at school reading a copy of "Super Ninja Doll". What she doesn't realise is that the comic isn't fantasy. They're adventures that really take place in an alternate reality. The comic jargon is "another dimension". The ruler of this dimension is the evil Tantella. She wants to conquer the Earth by kidnapping the Earth's top scientists and draining their intelligence.

This is Tantella's henchman Gorath, played by the magnificent Evan Stone. Did you know he's appeared in over 1300 movies in his 25 year career? He's been busy.

In the film Gorath becomes stronger by having sex. Before going into action he needs sex to charge himself. I find that weird. With me it's the opposite. After having sex I'm worn out, definitely not in a fit state to conquer the Earth.

The first person that Gorath meets on Earth is Mike Gaglio, Christine's school teacher. I love this screenshot. There's no dialogue, the scene speaks for itself. Mike is an incredible actor, perfect in whatever role he plays.

Here he is telling off Christine for reading comics in class.

He sits down behind his desk before continuing the conversation. Wise thinking.

He confiscates her comic, but Christine has another one. And then kapow! Super Ninja Doll sucks Christine into the comic and asks her for help against the forces of evil. Christine receives a mystical artefact. Whenever she holds it in the air she transforms into Super Ninja Doll.

Christine transforms from this...

into this. I preferred her as a schoolgirl, but she needs her super powers.

This is the second film on the Blu-ray with "Tarzeena". The B film? I'm just going by their order. This is definitely the better of the two films. I'd go as far to say as it's one of the best films in the Medina collection. I like it more every time I watch it. I'm also happy to say that the film's remastering is very good. Every scene looks perfect, especially the facial close ups. This is a must buy for anyone who likes super heroes, science fiction or schoolgirls.

Timestalker (4 Stars)

This is the 13th film of the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

Do you believe in reincarnation? That's a question often asked in "Timestalker". Agnes lives in Scotland in the 17th Century. She's married, but when she sees a man about to be executed she falls in love with him. Love at first sight. She has to save his life, so she distracts the executioner, but in the process she trips onto the axe and dies.

But she's born again in the next century. She knows the man must have been reincarnated near her, so she immediately begins to look for him. She finds him and declares her love for him, but he doesn't recognise her and thinks she's mad.

She's reincarnated repeatedly over the centuries in different countries. The man is easy to find. His name is always Alex and he always lives close to her. But she always dies before she can get anywhere.

That's the film's premise. I shan't say any more, because it should be coming to cinemas soon. I liked it a lot, but it shouldn't have been made as a comedy. It would have been a lot better as a serious film about an eternal love.

Heroic Times (1 Star)

This is the 12th film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

It's another old film, not a re-release, but it was remastered for 4K last year. It's an animated film that was released in Hungary in 1984, based on an epic poem. Like "Loving Vincent", it was created by putting together a series of oil paintings that were painted over a period of four years. Unfortunately, it's not up to the quality of "Loving Vincent". Instead of strictly using 12 pictures per second, it makes a lot of short cuts. Sometimes the camera pans from left to right over a single scene. Some scenes are used a few times.

There's no dialogue in the film. The story is told in a voiceover by a narrator. It's about Toldi, the younger son of a knight. After the death of his father, his older son takes his place as a knight, even though Toldi is a better warrior. In the following 90 minutes (which seemed much longer) Toldi works his way up into the king's favour and becomes a great hero in battle. That would have been a good place to end the film, but we see that 20 years later times have changed. Knights no longer duel, it's just jesters putting on a show imitating knights.

Despite the remastering, the picture is still fuzzy. Look at the screenshot above. It hurt my eyes to watch it. And the story is uneven. It was a dull film that seemed to last forever. I was glad when it was over.

Ghost Killer (4 Stars)

This is the eleventh film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

It's the first film in the festival that was made with a large budget.

Fumika is a high school student. Her age isn't stated in the film, but she calls herself a child, which would make her under 16. While walking home she finds a bullet case and carries it home with her. A strange man follows her home. She finds out that she's the only one who can see him. He's the ghost of Kudo, a hitman who was killed after being betrayed by his gang.

Kudo tells Fumika that he'll remain with her until he gets revenge on the man who killed him. But what can a Japanese schoolgirl like Fumika do? Whenever Fumika grips Kudo's hand he takes complete control of her body for a few minutes. She can fight with his martial arts and weapons skills. Fumika is passive in her body, seeing everything that she's doing but unable to control it. When they detach she argues with Kudo, because she doesn't approve of him making her kill people.

I might have given the film five stars, but one thing disturbs me. In many of the fight scenes we see Kudo fighting, even though he's in Fumika's body. That spoils it. We see Kudo and Fumika exchanging places from shot to shot. I suspect the reason is because the actor who plays Kudo is a skilled martial artist, and he can do many stunts that the actress who plays Fumika can't. If that's the case, they should have found another actress. If it's any other reason, they simply blundered.

Messiah of Evil (3 Stars)

This is the tenth film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

Unlike the previous films in the festival, it isn't a new release. It was made in 1973. There was a long introduction, with a woman speaking enthusiastically about it for almost 20 minutes. She emphasised that most of the crew had worked on well known big budget films in the 1970's and 1980's, so we could expect something special. I admit that I was caught up in the hype.

Then it started. What was I watching? There were so many plots and subplots that I could hardly keep up. The main story began with a woman visiting her father to see why he hasn't been answering her letters. She finds his home abandoned and tries to find out if he's still alive. Her investigations uncover that a dark stranger came to the town a hundred years ago and has promised to return on the anniversary. And there are people in the village who are cannibals. It all gets confusing.

Maybe I'll watch it again to try to understand it. Maybe not.

Zero (3 Stars)

This is the eighth film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

Hus Miller is an American businessman visiting Dakar, the capital of Senegal. He wakes up in a bus with a bomb strapped to his chest and a timer counting down from ten hours. A woman gives him a mobile phone and leaves quickly. A voice on the phone tells him he has ten hours to complete five tasks, and if he fails the bomb will explode.

Never mind what the tasks are. The film is ridiculous. If I'd been in that situation I would have handed myself over to the police and given them the phone to have the number traced while the bomb is disarmed. Maybe the mysterious caller would have found out and killed him, but it's obvious from the start that his survival chances are low. Good acting, reasonable action scenes, but a poor story.

A Mother's Embrace (2 Stars)

This is the seventh film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

It's a Brazilian film made in Portuguese. I usually tag films by their language, not by their country, but this might not be appropriate in the case of Brazil. The language spoken in Brazil is Portuguese, but I've been told that the dialect is so different that people from Brazil and Portugal can barely understand one another.

Ana is a firefighter. There are heavy floods, and her team is called to a nursing home by someone claiming it's collapsed. It was a false alarm. The nursing home is still standing, but when the team examines the building they're convinced that it's in such a poor state that it has to be evacuated. The home's owner objects. The fire team's work is made difficult by carnivorous monsters that live below the home. The old people in the home aren't human. They're shape shifters, and one of them takes the form of Ana's mother. Or is it really her mother? When we discussed the film afterwards there were different opinions.

It's a terrifying horror film, but my overall impression is negative. When the film ended there were still too many loose ends. I prefer the mysteries in films to be explained.

Suzzanna: The Queen of Black Magic (4 Stars)

This is the sixth film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

Sometimes I feel that I'm isolated from the world's cinema by living in Europe. There have been great films made in other countries. There have been great film stars who played roles in other countries. Today I watched a documentary about Suzzanna Martha Frederika van Osch, usually known simply as Suzzanna. She's described as the greatest icon of horror films, surpassing Boris Karloff, Vincent Price and Bela Lugosi. That's high praise indeed. Is it true? I'd never heard of her, because she appeared exclusively in Indonesian horror films in the 1970's and 1980's. After beginning her career as a child star in the 1950's, she crossed into horror and made about 30 horror films. The documentary showed many excerpts from her films. She was typecast as a vengeful spirit seeking revenge, but she did it so well. They were films that used the same gore effects as the Italian films of the time, complete with severed limbs and exploding heads. What made them stand out was Suzzanna's terrifying stare. She had a face that nobody could forget.

The film also deals with aspects of Suzzanna's private life. She married a man who was 23 years younger than her. When she died there were allegations that he had killed her. It was little more than celebrity gossip. There was no proof, but rumours can continue for years.

After watching the documentary I decided I wanted to watch her films to judge her for myself. It's not possible. None of her films are currently available with English subtitles. Yes, I'm isolated. I'm hoping the documentary will arouse interest in her films.

Vexier (4 Stars)

This is the third film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

At this point I'm starting to think that none of the films are really weird. "Vexier" is a stunning social drama. It's about a woman who wants to escape from an abusive relationship. I shan't say more than that. No monsters, no weird special effects, nothing trashy, just a powerful film.

The film's director and cinematographer are local boys. They've been making amateur films since their teens. This was their first feature film. It was made on a small budget, about 20,000 Euros gathered by crowdfunding. Nothing about it looks cheap. It's well polished, outstanding quality. It's not an original story, but as I've often said, a film doesn't need to be original to be good.

A surprise guest was the Swabian comedian Dodokay, alias Dominik Kuhn. He said that he briefly appeared in the film, but I didn't see him. Maybe I misunderstood.

Self Driver (2 Stars)

This is the second film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

"Self Driver" is another low budget film. It was filmed in Toronto in 14 days and cost a few thousand dollars. Despite the low price it has high production quality. The director introduced the film, telling us that it had been filmed with a camera that was new on the market. He couldn't have made the film a year earlier.

It's about a taxi driver who's struggling to make money. A customer offers him a job working with an app that will make him much more money. He has to follow instructions given by the app, otherwise deductions will be made from his account. This comes to clashes when customers tell him to drive one way but the app tells him to drive another.

The film is weird. The app's mechanical voice gives him absurd instructions, such as telling him to hit a customer. But he has to do it. He needs the money.

The film's atmosphere is overpowering, but as it continues I kept waiting for an explanation to finally be made. There's no explanation. At the end of the film we know nothing more than at the start. I can see a message: what's more important, earning money or doing what's right? That wasn't enough for me.

U Are The Universe (4½ Stars)

This is the first film in the Stuttgart Weird Weekender Festival.

It's a relatively new film festival. It started last year as a spinoff of the monthly Weird Wednesday event. The Weird Wednesdays started ten years ago, showing mostly cult horror films. Mostly. There have been a few films that I wouldn't call weird, but as they say, weirdness is in the eye of the beholder. Recently the frequency has increased to two Wednesdays a month, one of which is a newly released low budget film. The festival is showing almost exclusively new low budget films.

Unlike the Fantasy Film Festival, which takes place simultaneously in several German cities, the Weird Weekender is a purely Stuttgart event.

Due to its niche appeal, the festival takes place in a relatively small theatre, which only has 102 seats. Here's the festival team. Judging by the abundance of bald heads in the audience, the team members are younger than the viewers. They held to the Weird Wednesday tradition of starting films late. There was a delay of 35 minutes. The German audience waited patiently. In England we would have been stamping our feet and jeering.

The opening film is "U Are The Universe", a Ukrainian science fiction film made in 2023. I don't approve of the title, but I'll let it pass, because the "U" is probably a reference to Ukraine. A Ukrainian astronaut called Andrukha has the job of delivering nuclear waste material to Jupiter's moon Callisto. It means a lot of solitude. Two years there, two years back. He's accompanied by a friendly floating robot called Max.

Max gives Andrukha the news that the Earth has exploded, making him the last human in the universe. There's no explanation why the Earth exploded. Maybe a Fascist dictator like Putin was tossing nuclear bombs around. The spaceship has enough food left for 16 months. Just when Andrukha is getting used to being the last man alive, he receives a message from a French woman called Catherine who's on a space station orbiting Saturn. He decides to travel to her. After all, the human race has to survive, doesn't it?

So the film is a love story set in space.

After the film there was a question and answer session with the director Pavlo Ostrikov by video link from Kyiv. Many of the questions dealt with his problems making a film in a country at war. For him the main problem was the money. Putin's invasion of Ukraine has caused massive inflation, and the film's production had to be paid in Euros. The film's budget lay beneath a million Euros, which might not seem much to us, but for him it was an enormous fortune.

He named "2001: A Space Odyssey" as his inspiration, but I saw more of "Dark Star" in it. He said that it's the first science fiction film made in Ukraine since it became independent from the Soviet Union in 1991.

While I was waiting, one of my friends said that the Weird Weekender wouldn't be a festival, it would be a trashtival. That's unfair. The only thing trashy about "U Are The Universe" is its title.

Tarzeena (4 Stars)

Fred Olen Ray has done it again. He's re-released two classic Christine Nguyen films on Blu-ray. Today I watched "Tarzeena", comparing the DVD and Blu-ray versions side by side on two screens. My first impression is that the remastering is mixed. In close ups the faces look clearer on the Blu-ray, but in the jungle and desert scenes there's hardly any noticeable difference. I wanted to show screenshot comparisons in this review, but for some reason I can't watch the Blu-ray on my computer. The screenshots in this post are all taken from the DVD. That's a shame. I'll try to solve the problem before I review the other film on the Blu-ray.

If I'd been judging this film on Christine Nguyen's merit, I would have given it five stars. It's let down by the mediocre acting of the husband and wife team Alexandre Boisvert and Nicole Sheridan. Every other actor in the film is excellent.

Christine looks like a Bettie Page impersonator when she's in the hands of the evil Doctor Mortimer.

He throws her onto a bed, still screaming, but all he wants to do is plant a chip in her brain to make her obey him. I have to say, I find a woman who obeys me boring. I prefer a woman with spirit who'll argue with me and reach for her whip if I don't give way.

I wrote more about the film in my last review.

As usual, Retromedia Blu-rays are available exclusively from Makeflix.

Here's an updated summary of the Retromedia films so far, with the Blu-ray releases marked.

The Medina Collection

1. Thirteen Erotic Ghosts (2002)
2. (BR) Bikini Airways (2003)
3. (BR) Haunting Desires (2003)
4. Curse of the Erotic Tiki (2003)
5. Bikini Carwash Academy (2004)
6. Erotic Dreams of Jeannie (2004)
7. Teenage Cavegirl (2004)
8. The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful (2005)
9. Bikini Chain Gang (2005)
10. Ghost in a Teeny Bikini (2006)
11. Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet (2006)
12. Harlots of the Caribbean (2006)
13. Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes (2006)
14. Bewitched Housewives (2006)
15. The Girl from BIKINI (2006)
16. (BR) Super Ninja Doll (2007)
17. (BR) Tarzeena (2007)
18. Voodoo Dollz (2008)
19. Bikini Royale (2008)
20. (BR) Bikini Frankenstein (2009)
21. (BR) Twilight Vamps (2009)
22. Bikini Royale 2 (2009)
23. (BR) Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros (2009)
24. Housewives from Another World (2010)
25. Lady Chatterley's Ghost (2010)
26. Bikini Time Machine (2010)
27. Sexual Witchcraft (2010)
28. Bikini Warriors (2010)
29. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad (2011)
30. Dirty Blondes from Beyond (2012)
31. Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills (2012)
32. (BR) Baby Dolls Behind Bars (2012)

The McKendrick Collection

1. Strippers from another world (2013)
2. Big Bust Theory (2013)
3. Intergalactic Swingers (2013)
4. (BR) All Babe Network (2013)
5. Great Bikini Bowling Bash (2014)
6. Stacked Racks from Mars (2014)
7. Atomic Hotel Erotica (2014)
8. Lolita from Interstellar Space (2014)
9. Sexy Warriors (2014)
10. Bikini Avengers (2015)
11. (BR) College Coeds vs Zombie Housewives (2015)
12. Lust in Space (2015)
13. Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015)
14. Invisible Centerfolds (2015)
15. (BR) Cinderella's Hot Night (2017)
16. (BR) Sleeping Beauties (2017)

The Apocrypha

1. (BR) Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016)
2. Vixens From Venus (2016)
3. Cyborg Hookers (2016)
4. Cosmic Calendar Girls (2016)
5. Escape From Pleasure Planet (2016)
6. (BR) Paranormal Sexperiments (2016)

The Medina Collection consists of films directed by Fred Olen Ray using the pseudonym Juan Medina. The McKendrick Collection consists of films directed by Dean McKendrick. The Apocrypha consists of films directed for Retromedia by other directors.

Notes:

(1) "Bikini Carwash Academy" (Medina 5) was re-released with a different opening credits sequence, listing the director as Sherman Scott.

(2) "Tomb of the Werewolf" (not listed above) was directed by Fred Olen Ray using his own name, but it's in the Medina style. It has almost the same cast as "Haunting Desires".

(3) Dean McKendrick made seven erotic thrillers for Retromedia, not listed above.

(4) Apocrypha? If you have a better name for these films, let me know.

That's 14 out of 54 films released on Blu-ray so far. Let's hope the others will follow soon.

Red One (4 Stars)

If you've seen the trailer, you already know that this is a stupid film. The premise is simple: Santa Claus has been kidnapped two days before Christmas, and a computer hacker is hired to find him. Silly. But with a premise like that I had to go to the cinema to see what it's all about.

I'll start by saying that "Red One" refers to Santa's sleigh, analogous to the American president's Air Force One. He's been kidnapped by Gryla the Christmas Witch. She looks much more attractive in the film than in the legends. Gryla has good intentions, in the same way that Thanos has good intentions in "Infinity War". She wants to make the world a better place. Everyone on Earth is divided into a good list and a naughty list. Santa deals gently with those on the naughty list, hoping they'll behave better next year. Gryla wants to kill everyone on the naughty list. Thanos was content with killing half of the Earth's population. So many people are on the naughty list that Gryla will kill 99% of the population, but it's all for a good cause. The remaining 1% will live in peace and harmony.

Dwayne Johnson is Santa's head of security. He's an elf, sort of. E.L.F. is the organisation that serves Santa. Enforcements, Logistics and Fortification. Referring to himself, Dwayne calls himself Extremely Large and Formidable. A subplot is that he wants to resign after 582 years of serving Santa. He feels depressed that the naughty list has grown so large.

Is "Red One" a good film? Maybe. It took me a long time to decide on its rating. It's a silly film, but it has no aspirations to be anything else. I enjoyed it in the cinema tonight. It made me laugh out loud several times, which is a plus. I expect that the critics will tear it apart. They should have a better sense of humour. I doubt I'll watch it again, but it's a film worth seeing once.