Escape from Pleasure Planet (3½ Stars)

Retromedia is diversifying. Dean McKendrick was responsible for making softcore television movies for the last three years, after Fred Olen Ray grew tired of them. Then Sam Silver directed three films earlier this year. Now Terrence Ryken has made three films. Or maybe his name is Terrance Ryker. His name is spelt one way in the opening splash screen and another way in the final credits. I'll be reviewing all three films this month, if I don't get too distracted. This is the first, and I admit that I picked it because of the beautiful girl on the cover. It's Veronica Vain, a new actress at Retromedia. She's not just beautiful, she displays some acting talent which I'm sure will improve with repeated roles. I can't say the same for the other new girls, Blair Williams and Vanessa Cage. At first I thought they were delivering their lines cold and mechanically because they're supposed to be aliens, but as the film progressed I realised it was the best they could do.

The film is about a princess, Princess Dyanna (note the spelling), visiting a Pleasure Station (not a planet) to relax and enjoy sexual fun and games. She's accorpanied by her personal bodyguard Tara, who claims to be concerned only for her princess's safety, but is actually burning with jealousy because she has a massive crush on Dyanna. They're welcomed by Cassia (Veronica Vain), who introduces herself as the liaison officer for the pleasure station. We soon find out that Cassia is a fake who is working for a rebel called Aria (Erika Jordan). Aria wants to destroy the pleasure station while Dyanna is on board, presumably to take over her empire.

Dyanna and Tara manage to escape and flee to a primitive little planet in a remote part of the galaxy. The planet just happens to be our very own Earth. They're spotted by a UFO tracking station close to where their spaceship crashes. Their arrival is also noticed by a government agency that calls itself the Men In Black. The agency's boss (Mike Gaglio) sends one of its top agents (Andy Espinoza Long) to investigate. Meanwhile, Dyanna and Tara have discovered that the planet Earth has men, unlike their own planet which is only populated by women. They're very curious about what men can do that women can't.

Wait! By this point in the film I was getting the impression that I'd seen it all before. I searched my old reviews till I found it. "Escape from Pleasure Planet" seems to be a remake of "Dirty Blondes from Beyond", made by Fred Olen Ray in 2012. I have to say that the original version was better. The original had Evan Stone, Eric Masterson, Ted Newsom and Christine Nguyen, all of them unbeatable actors. Mike Gaglio, Andy Espinoza Long and Erika Jordan are all proficient, but they're not at the same level. I'm hoping that the next film made by Mr. Ryken/Ryker will be more original.

As you can see from this picture, Veronica Vain's costume has a cameltoe deep enough to swallow a whole camel. I have a problem with cameltoe. It's not that I don't like it. On the contrary, I like it too much. When I see a woman with cameltoe at work or on the bus I have to stare. I can't help myself. I know it's not polite to stare at a woman's crotch, but it's like my eyes are drawn by a magnet, I can't look away.