Holiday On The Buses (4 Stars)

This is the third and final instalment in the On The Buses trilogy. It was made in 1973. I find it weaker than the first two films, because most of the film takes place away from the bus company. For me, the best part of the film is the first two and a half minutes, the pre-credits sequence. Then the credits run for a minute. After that the rest of the film is amusing, but not up to the standards we expect from this film and television franchise.

I'll concentrate on the first two and a half minutes of the film. It starts with a pretty woman arriving at the bus depot.

She's been out shopping. It must be a warm summer day, judging by her short skirt and low cut top.

The bus conductor (Jack) and the bus driver (Stan) check her out.

She doesn't notice them. She's too busy checking the bus time table.

She's certainly good looking. Make a note of the poster at the bus stop: "Holiday safety depends on you".

Stan's bus is leaving. That's her bus. She has to run.

Her top comes undone while she runs.

Everything falls out. First one side, then the other.

She realises she's topless. Accidentally, of course.

Stan notices as well. He takes his eye off the road while he pulls out.

Crash! That's what happens when a man stares at bare breasts while driving.

And everyone arrives to inspect the damage.

"Did all that happen because of me? That's so hot. I'll have to wear this top more often".

Obviously the woman didn't read the poster at the bus stop. Holiday safety depends on her, and her loose top is a safety hazard. It's also an affirmation of the power her breasts give her.

This isn't just the film's best scene, it's the only nudity. I remember when I first saw the film in the cinema with my girlfriend Sally. After this opening scene I expected a lot more titillation, but it didn't come.

I like scenes like this, because they show, in humorous form, just how stupid men are. I would have reacted the same way. Most men would.

The wonderful woman isn't even named in the credits. I wonder who she was. Did she ever appear in other films?

Stan and Jack are fired because of the accident. The inspector Cyril Blake (Blakey) is also fired, though I'm not sure why. His foot was broken in the accident, so he was a victim. That's where the rest of the film starts. They all get new jobs at a holiday camp. The place isn't named, but it's Pontin's Holiday Camp in Prestatyn, Wales.

I'm happy to say that I've never visited a holiday camp, not once in my life. They cater to older holidaymakers who're too lazy to find their own amusement, but evidently they're visited by younger people as well. They're usually close to a beach, but entertainment is provided every day, everything from bingo to ballroom dancing.

Stan and Jack take the holiday camp visitors on bus tours of the surrounding areas, while Blakey is responsible for the camp security. Stan also arranges for his family to stay for a few weeks, because he can get them a family rebate. This brings the whole cast of the regular TV series together under one roof, a home away from home.

In case you're wondering, the family still lives at 2 Malden Road in Borehamwood. I think they used a different location for the TV series, but this house is shown in all three of the films. The building behind the fence on the right is Elstree Film Studios.

There's an unexpected holiday romance. Stan's mother Mabel flirts with a widower played by Wilfred Brambell, who's best known for playing Albert Steptoe in the long running TV series "Steptoe and Son".

They even kiss! Mabel never had a single kiss in all the years of the TV Series.

Even Blakey gets romantically involved. He meets Jane, the holiday camp nurse, played by Kate Williams. It all began when he visited her for a massage to remove the stiffness in his leg.

They kiss as well, but it's hardly a passionate kiss. Their lips touch for four frames on the DVD. For those of you who don't know, that's a sixth of a second. Even Steptoe manages more.

I've been told that it's now illegal to take upskirt photos in England, but I believe film screenshots are still allowed. This is Kate Williams going upstairs on the bus.

Take a closer look. When I was at school I caught the bus to Walsall every day, and I liked to sit on the seat at the bottom of the stairs so I could watch the schoolgirls going upstairs. As far as I can remember, I did that all my years at school, from the age of 12 to 18, unless someone else grabbed the seat first.

Poor Blakey! Jack knows that Jane is disappointed with Blakey's kisses, so he visits her surgery pretending to have a stiff leg. She soon finds out that it's not true, and she rips off her uniform. We don't actually see Jack's kisses, but I'm sure they last more than a sixth of a second... as long as he can keep his nose out of the way.

Stan also does his share of kissing. That's all he's good at. It's a standing joke in the TV series that he makes out with girls on the sofa, but he never gets to second base. Although it's not openly said, we can assume he's still a virgin. Here he is making out with Sandra.

Here he is making out with Maria. He's terrified when she climbs on top of him. He likes to be the one in control. Maybe that's why he's still a virgin.

Henry McGee appears as the holiday club manager. He's best known for his regular appearances in the Benny Hill Show, in which he always keeps a straight face. He's exactly the same in this film. How can anyone possibly keep a straight face when everyone around him is laughing?

It's not a bad film, and it'll make you laugh, but I'm sure everyone will agree that it's not as good as the TV series.