The Sex Adventures of the Three Musketeers (4 Stars)

This is Ingrid Steeger's second Swiss film, made in 1971. There's something funny about films that are about the Three Musketeers. They always concentrate on the fourth Musketeer, D'Artagnan. This film is no exception. I've decided to compensate by using a photo of the Three Musketeers themselves to head this post, even if they play a secondary role in the film. From left to right, it's Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Remember those names well. You might be asked to name them in the final question of "Who wants to be a millionaire".

This is D'Artargnan, played by Peter Graf in his only ever film role. I don't know what's more unusual: giving the lead role to a beginner, or never giving a good actor another chance. I know nothing about him, except that he went on to compose the music for several films and TV series in the 1970's.

D'Artagnan is a young Duke whose greatest wish is to become a Musketeer. He's still a virgin, but it's not just that he's innocent, he's totally sexually naive. He doesn't know that sex even exists.

The peasant girls see D'Artagnan and laugh at him.

They tease D'artagnan.

The peasant girl Yvonne sees D'Artagnan and laughs at him.

She teases him. By now you must have recognised that Yvonne is played by Ingrid Steeger.

A gypsy woman called Carmen sees D'Artagnan and takes pity on him.

Carmen is gentle with D'Artagnan and takes his virginity. She prophesies that he will become irresistible to noble women.

Yvonne sees D'Artagnan's sexual encounter and waits for the right moment. As he's walking home she jumps on him and seduces him. Now he knows what to do.

The news of D'Artagnan becoming a man has spread fast. In the evening Blanche (she's the peasant girl with a basket on the left) sneaks into his bedroom. D'Artagnan has gone from being a virgin to having three women in one day! After that Yvonne and Blanche become his lovers; Yvonne every day and Blanche every night. He forgets his dreams of being a Musketeer. He has everything he wants in his family castle.

Finally D'Artagnan's father reminds him of his purpose in life, and he sets off to join the Musketeers. I wouldn't have gone. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Unfortunately, this means that we don't see any more of Ingrid Steeger in the second half of the film.

The Three Musketeers live in a tavern, where they spend all day eating, drinking and telling one another stories about horny monks. Is that supposed to be an added hint of the Decameron?

There are two serving girls in the tavern, Schu Schu and Musch Musch. Interesting names. In the credits the names aren't used, they're called the thin serving girl and the fat serving girl? Fat? What are they talking about? For me Musch Musch (on the right) is the perfect size. She has plenty of curves, and they're all in the right places. She's what I would call a real woman. The Musketeers have sex with both of them.

The Musketeers only go on one mission during the film. It's a rather strange mission. Duchess de Voyeur, who seems to be based on the original tale's Milady de Winter, is in a state of crisis. Her husband can do longer sexually satisfy her, because of an injury he received in battle. I hate to ask. Since then Duke de Voyeur has lived up to his name. He watches his wife when she has sex with other men. The Musketeers rush into action to save the Duchess's honour by killing the Duke, then having sex with her. That's supposed to save her honour? I must be missing something.

In their absence D'Artagnan finds the tavern. Schu Schu and Musch Musch try to seduce him, but he resists. He won't let anything distract him from his mission to become a Musketeer. He waits for the Musketeers, and they tell him he's not needed. He rides off and meets Duchess de Voyeur on the road. She invites him to her castle. He becomes her new lover; more than a lover, he becomes her sex slave. He's not allowed to leave.

Eventually, after months of imprisonment, D'Artagnan escapes by climbing out of the window. He travels miles on foot. Finally he takes refuge in a barn. He thinks he's alone, but someone else is in the barn. It's Carmen. He tells her that the prophecy came true, he was irresistible to noble women, but he wants no more of it. He wants to stay with Carmen.

And they all live happily ever after.

Wow! I didn't see that one coming. Carmen's not a bad choice, even if she's older than him. Many men like older women, and young D'Artagnan, still a teenager, has fond memories of his first lover. What's the message that Erwin C. Dietrich as the writer and director wants to put across? "Forget noblewomen. Forget chivalry. Marry a gypsy"? Something like that.

Whatever the film's message is supposed to be, this is a good film. It's currently only available in Germany, but it includes English dubbing. It's supposed to have English subtitles, but the English subtitle track is empty.