Great Bikini Bowling Bash (4½ Stars)

This is the fifth film directed by Dean McKendrick, made in 2013. It's arguably his best film. It starts off with a plot that's typical for the bikini films of the 1990's, and then veers off in a different direction. It's as if Dean, who also wrote the screenplay, wanted to make a parody of the bikini films. He's making fun of the films that claimed that any failing business could be saved by girls in bikinis. Maybe that worked in the 1990's, but now we're in the 21st Century. Property prices have risen, and the value of bikini girls has fallen. Who wants to see bikini-clad girls in a bowling alley when you can see completely naked girls online?

On the other hand, it's difficult to find girls online as beautiful as Mary Carey and Krissy Lynn. That's one of the main attractions of Dean McKendrick's films: the girls are beautiful. They're glamorous and bigger than life, by which I'm not just referring to their breast size.

Now let's talk about the plot. Pay attention, I'll be testing you later! Candy (in the middle, played by Sophia Bella) is the owner of Regal Lanes, a bowling alley she's inherited from her father. She runs the alley with the assistance of Jenn (Krissy Lynn) and Lucy (Mary Carey). The business is doing badly. There hardly seem to be any visitors. Maybe it's because Lucy is spending too much time off work. She's trying to find a man on online dating sites. After 48 Internet dates she's discovered that all the men are interested in is one-night-stands. Poor girl. I'd definitely give her a second chance.

The unsympathetic building owner, Mr. Grabowski (Mike Gaglio), gives Candy notice to the end of the month. He wants to sell the building to a new owner who will turn it into a Stan's Club. What's that? Candy only has a few weeks to raise enough money to buy the building herself. In typical bikini film manner, she arranges a bowling competition in which the girls all wear bikinis. It's a raving success. They earn $5,485. Wow! Unfortunately, that's $2,994,515 short of what they need. As I said, inflation has put bikinis out of business. It's a sad, sad world.

The girls are close to despair, when they hear that Troy Smith, the world bowling champion, is in town. He learnt to bowl at Regal Lanes, so maybe he'll donate the three million dollars they need. Jenn volunteers to speak to him. "If I can't persuade a man to part with a few million dollars, who can?" I can guarantee she could never get a few million dollars out of me, but at least she could get my last few hundred dollars, leaving me broke and panting.

Jenn has a lot to offer, but she's evidently new to hustling. She needs to work on her technique. If you want to squeeze a few million dollars out of a man you have to take the cash while he's hot and worked up. That's when he's at his weakest. Jenn seduces Troy before asking for the cash. Bad idea. After he's got what he wants he changes his mind and says No. Hustling is strictly a cash-in-advance job. Unless the man is a gentleman, of course. I'm polite and respectful. If I promise $3,000,000 while I'm on my back I'll pay up afterwards. Maybe with a few zeros removed.

But the girls don't give up. They challenge Troy to a bowling contest. If they win, he has to give them $4,000,000. That's the price of the building, plus a million for renovation. If he wins he can have a foursome with the girls.

The girls have a secret weapon. Matt (Eric Masterson), who seems to be the bowling alley's only customer, is a brilliant player and an even better coach. He teaches the girls all they need to know about bowling the day before the contest. If it's that easy, I want him to teach me as well!

Can you guess what the result of the contest is? Please, it should be so obvious that no spoilers are necessary.

The film isn't just about saving the bowling alley. The girls have to be saved as well. Matt confesses that he's always loved Lucy, and proposes marriage, which she immediately accepts. The motto of the story is, "Don't look for romance on the Internet when there's a man with big balls standing right in front of you".

Troy falls for Jenn and promises to take her away from her life as a poor waitress. Maybe h's seen her inner beauty, or maybe he just feels guilty after the way he used her.

And Candy lives happily forever after with her lawyer boyfriend, Frank (Ryan Driller). Wait! Did I forget to post a photo of him? This screenshot should make up for it.

The film is out of print, sadly, like most of Dean McKendrick's films. If you send an email to Fred Olen Ray of Retromedia Entertainment, he might have a spare copy that he'll part with for a reasonable price.