There's a difference between me and professional film critics like Peter
Bradshaw and Mark Kermode (both of whom I respect). When they sit down to
watch a film they're unbiased. They take in what they see, and they write an
impartial review. Not me. When I go to the cinema I already have a good idea
what I'll see. More to the point, I know what I want to see. I'm a Spider-Man
fan. I've read the Spider-Man comics written by Stan Lee (the first 110 issues
of Amazing Spider-Man) over and over again. Pure genius. So I went into the
cinema today wanting the film to be good.
I was disappointed from the first minutes onwards. I didn't like the flashing
lights in
the first film, but in this film they're even worse, especially in the first half of the
film. The picture's confusing, and I'm glad I don't suffer from epilepsy. What
a mess! And the story is just as messy. We have the main versions of
Spider-Man, i.e. Miles Morales and Gwen Stacy (Spider-Gwen), and they would
have been enough. But then we have Miguel O'Hara, a Spider-Man from the
future, Spider-Punk from England, Pavitr Prabhakar as an Indian Spider-Man and
so many other Spider-Mans (sic) that we need a scorecard to keep up. There's
even a Lego Spider-Man. Stan Lee must be turning in his grave.
Why gather so many Spider-Mans together in a Spider-Society? That means that
the universe each one comes from is unprotected. The hundreds of Green Goblins
and Doctor Octopuses must be having a great time.
The film ends on a cliff-hanger. "TO BE CONTINUED". I didn't stay to ask the
others what they thought of the film, but there were groans throughout the
audience when the film ended abruptly.
"So now we have to wait three years to see what happens?" a girl in my
row asked. It's not quite that bad. The third film in the trilogy has been
scheduled for March next year, only nine months away, but until then anything
can happen. If there's another pandemic we might have to wait another five
years. This is depressing.
The critics like the film. I have no idea why. I wanted to like it, but I
don't.
Is this supposed to be a bad joke? I'm not laughing.
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