Tuesday, 3 July 2018

Tragedy Girls (5 Stars)


This was the best film of 2017. Normally I accept the opinions of other people, but if you disagree with me on this I'll sit and argue with you for hours, so be warned: don't get me started.

I only realised a few days ago that my favourite films of the last three years all star Brianna Hildebrand. "Deadpool" was a close second, more of an equal first, in 2016. "Tragedy Girls" was the undisputed best film of 2017. The best film of 2018 so far is "Deadpool 2". Is that a coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

The film is about two schoolgirls, Sadie Cunningham and McKayla Hooper, in their last year of school. They are very much in girls. Sadie is president of the prom committee, and McKayla is the vice president. The two girls come from very different bavkgrounds – McKayla has rich parents while Sadie lives in a trailer – but they have one important thing in common. They both want to become serial killers.

It's not as easy as they think, so they decide they need assistance. A killer nicknamed the Rosedale Ripper has been killing local teenagers, so they set a trap for him. They capture him and keep him locked up in an abandoned shed. They'll never release him, that much is certain, but they'll treat him well if he gives them advice on killing. Sadie and McKayla begin their murder spree.

The girls play it both ways. They have a Twitter page called TragedyGirls where they write about the murders. Getting followers is just as important as the killing itself. That's understandable. Where's the fun in killing if nobody knows about it?


Less than 12 months ago I was complaining that there have been no good slasher films since last century. The three Scream films (1996 to 2000) said it all. When "Scream 4" was released in 2011 it wasn't a bad film, but something indescribable was missing. I still can't say for definite what it was, but maybe it was out of date. The original Scream trilogy was set firmly in the 1990's, and the fourth film still had a 90's feeling to it, however much it was emphasised that it was a new generation. "Tragedy Girls" is a film for the new millennium, particularly the 2010's. It's a film for the social media generation. The director Tyler MacIntire, about whom I know nothing, is more in tune with the 21st Century than Wes Craven was.


After I watched "Tragedy Girls" I decided to watch the World Cup football game between England and Colombia. I found a live stream of a scantily dressed 20-year-old Colombian girl called Isa giving a match commentary in English. She began the commentary in an orange bra and panties. She promised to take her panties off if Colombia scored a goal, and she would get completely naked if Colombia won.


This is Isa at the beginning of extra time. I didn't thinking about making any screenshots before then, sorry. In case you're wondering, Isa occasionally turned round to face the camera, usually when Colombia was doing something good. I took a few screenshots of her bottom frontal exposure, but I won't publish them here. You'll just have to take my word for it.


Maybe it's an exaggeration to call her performance a commentary. It was more on the level of cheer-leading. Her most common utterances were, "Oh my God, this is so exciting" and "Come on Colombia".


Usually I'm a patriotic Englishman and loyal in the support of my national team. However, when it got to the end of extra time and the score was still 1–1, Isa was teasing the viewers, saying it was the last chance to see her naked. This made me want England to lose on penalty kicks. I was whispering "Miss, miss" every time an English player took a shot.

So that's the price of my loyalty! All it takes is a pair of naked breasts to make me betray my country. It's fortunate that I was never someone important like a politician or a spy.


Isa danced for joy every time a Colombian scored a penalty goal or the Colombian goalkeeper made a save. She was especially jubilant when England fell behind with the third shot. But a Colombian victory wasn't to be. England broke its penalty shootout curse and won the game. I felt sorry for Isa. She turned away from the screen, refusing to watch the English players celebrate. Then she sat down with her head in her hands, looking utterly miserable. After a few seconds she said Bye and ended her broadcast.

I wonder if there will be any high quality commentaries like this in the rest of the World Cup.

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