Conan the Barbarian [1982] (3 Stars)

In 1969 Arnold Schwarzenegger was given the leading role in his first film, the low budget comedy "Hercules in New York". It was so abysmal that it ended his acting career. Over the next few years he was only appeared in films as an extra whenever a muscular man was needed. This changed in 1982 when he was given the title role for "Conan the Barbarian". Somebody was needed with a lot of muscles, and the muscles were so important that Arnold's lack of acting abilities could be overlooked.

Conan was a character who first appeared in pulp fiction novels from 1932 to 1936. His stories remained popular among fans for decades, but they found a new audience in 1970 when Marvel bought the rights and began a comic book series that lasted until 1993.

It was Marvel's portrayal of Conan that influenced the public's image of him, much more than the few pictures that were drawn in the 1930's. When you look at the cover of Conan The Barbarian #1, drawn by Barry Smith, you have to ask who could portray such a role on screen. Arnold Schwarzenegger was the logical choice.

The film's plot was an amalgamation of several stories from the 1930's. Conan is a young boy whose parents are killed by a warlord called Thulsa Doom. He's taken prisoner and sold into slavery. Years later he's trained as a gladiator and is unbeaten. His kindly master gives him his freedom, and now he only has one thing on his mind: revenge.

He finds that Thulsa Doom isn't a normal warlord, he's the leader of a snake cult. He claims to be over a thousand years old. Conan wants to hunt him alone, but he picks up two friends along the way: the thief Subotai and the female mercenary Valeria. King Osric pays the trio a large amount to retrieve his daughter who has joined Doom's cult. Subotai and Valeria say they can only be successful if they forget about killing Doom, but Conan is more interested in revenge than in financial gain.

The film shows Arnold Schwarzenegger at his worst. He stumbles from scene to scene, staring and glaring and delivering his lines without a hint of emotion. Excuses were made that Conan wasn't supposed to be emotional, but nobody believed them. Schwarzenegger couldn't act. That's all.

The critics hated the film, but it was a huge box office success. It was the popularity of the Conan character that made "Conan the Barbarian" a success (a 6.1 rating). It was Schwarzenegger's bad acting that made the sequel a failure (a -0.3 rating).

Success Rate:  + 6.1

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