Mummies (4 Stars)

Most animated films made today are American. Companies like Walt Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks dominate the market. That makes it all the more refreshing to see a high quality animated film made in Spain.

"Mummies" takes place in the present day. As we know, Egyptians were wrapped in cloth to prepare them for the afterlife, and in this film we see their afterlife. When they emerge from their sarcophagus they descend through hidden passageways beneath the pyramids into an underground kingdom. As you can see from the poster above, the mummies only uncover their heads and retain the rest of their bandages. They put on any additional clothing and jewellery on top of the bandages.

The pharaoh has picked a husband for his daughter Nefer, the charioteer Thut. The problem is that neither of them wants to get married. It's a big decision. For normal people, marriage is till death do us part, which is only 40 to 80 years. For the mummies, it's thousands of years, possibly forever, because they've already died. Nevertheless, Thut is entrusted with the royal wedding ring. He lays it in a chest near the surface, a place where nobody goes, but the chest is broken open by gravediggers. The ring is flown to London to be put in an exhibition.

Thut travels to London accompanied by his brother Sekem, his pet crocodile and the princess Nefer. Thut's only desire is to recover the ring and return it to the pharaoh to respectfully refuse the marriage. Nefer is discovered by a music agent who turns her into a pop star, so she wants to remain in England.

It's always a pleasure going to the cinema with my grandson Oliver. He laughed out loud, especially when the mummies were racing through London in a double decker bus. I don't know whether he understood the humour about the intrigues in the music business. He didn't even know what (real) mummies are before I explained them to him on the bus before the film. Still, it's a great film for six-year-olds like Oliver, and it's even better for slightly older children.

Relativity (4 Stars)

When I saw this film in the cinema I was blown away by the philosophical concepts thrown at me. Today I decided to concentrate on its value as a love story. It's difficult to separate the philosophical from the romantic in the film, because it determines the film's structure. Aron is the love of Nora's life, but he's shot dead within the film's first five minutes. The rest of the film shows how she deals with her grief, contrasting it with flashbacks of her romance, shown in reverse chronological order.

Nora's choices are unusual, to say the least. Aron is shot in a bank robbery, trying to protect Nora when the robber is arguing with her. A few days later she has a chance encounter with Natan on the street. They work at the same supermarket, but they've never met, because she's a daytime cashier while he's a night watchman. She recognises his voice from the bank. He's the man who shot her lover. Yet she begins an affair with him. Does she think it's Aron's wish? When Aron lay dying, the last words he whispered to Nora were "My end is your beginning".

This isn't a film to watch and forget. It's a film to sit and think about. Even as I'm writing this post I keep pausing between sentences to think about the impact the film had on me. Compare this post with my first review to see both sides of the film.

The Matrix Resurrections (4 Stars)

I feel reluctant to write anything about this film. It's not that I have writer's block (as often happens), I have lots of things I could write, I just don't want to.

The second half of the film is quite good, with spectacular special effects. The first half is like a parody of the first Matrix film.

The premise is that the machines and humanity have now made peace, but the Matrix is still necessary to power the machines. Neo and Trinity both died in the third film, but the machines have magically brought them back to life. As Thomas Anderson, Neo is a software designer and has created a virtual reality computer game based on his memories of the Matrix, so it's now possible for people in the Matrix to enter a Matrix inside a Matrix. That's actually a good idea, but it's not presented well. A director like Christopher Nolan would have done it much better.

"The Matrix Resurrections" is a film I'd like to forget. It shouldn't have been made. Even if the film's second half had a lot of Wow effects, it's an unnecessary film.

Please, please, please don't make a fifth film.

Success Rate:  - 1.2

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Smallville 2.06 - Redux

Click here to watch the podcast.

This episode's freak-of-the-week is Chrissy Parker, played by Maggie Lawson, who also appears as a guest star in the podcast. She's untypical for the series, because her special abilities don't come from the meteor rocks. No attempt is made to explain her abilities. She's at least a hundred years old, based on the research Chloe does into old school records. She remains young by kissing three men and sucking the youth out of their pituitary glands. This causes the men to die of old age. Chrissy is refreshed and remains young for another few years. She goes to a new school with a different name, never arousing suspicion.

Not until now, at least. There's a diligent new school principal who notices that Chrissy has no records from her previous school. There's a high turnover at Smallville High. Terrence Reynolds is the third principal in nine episodes. Principal Kwan was killed in "Crush". Martin Gibbons was the principal in "Red", but there's no explanation why he's no longer principal.

Or is Martin Gibbons really no longer principal? There's some confusion with this episode. It was filmed at the end of season one, probably to be shown as the 21st episode before "Tempest", but it wasn't aired due to scheduling conflicts, and it was finally shown as the sixth episode of season two. That means it takes place before "Red", the fourth episode.

There was disagreement in the podcast as to the fate of Principal Reynolds. Maggie Lawson claims he was killed. Michael Rosenbaum denies this and says he was only knocked out. The fact is that we don't see him again after this scene. He hasn't been drained by Chrissy, because we see that she's rapidly ageing. On the other hand, this might also be because he doesn't have enough to sustain her as an old man. He might also have died as a result of being hit with a stage light. His death would explain why he was replaced by Principal Gibbons a few episodes later. We don't see either principal in later episodes, so we can't be sure.

Chrissy's first victim is Troy Turner, Smallville High's swimming champion. It makes front page news in the local newspaper. If you look carefully you can see that the same text is repeated several times. "When Kent pulled him from the water", etc. That's sloppy.

Chrissy's second victim is Troy's best friend, Russell Burton. He can't resist her kiss.

Clark finds Chrissy kneeling over the unconscious principal in the Talon. Unconscious or dead or dying; make your own mind up.

Chrissy ages before Clark's eyes, and her body finally turns to dust.

There's an interesting subplot in the episode. Clark's parents are struggling to pay the bills, as always, but it seems worse than ever. Martha suggests asking her father for money. He's a successful lawyer in Metropolis. Jonathan doesn't want to accept money from him, because he opposed their marriage and insulted him as a primitive farmer. Jonathan even hit him, and they haven't seen each other since.

Martha invites her father to the house, but Jonathan makes it clear that he isn't welcome. Clark is happy to see his grandfather and says he'll stay in touch, but children say a lot of things. We never see him again.

Another subplot is that Lana finds photos of her mother with another man, photos that were taken after she was married. Her Aunt Nell refuses to give any information. Lex Luthor looks into it, and he finds that her parents were separated for a year and intended to divorce, but changed their minds and reunited. Lana was born when her parents got back together, so the other man must be her father.

In the podcast Tom Welling openly criticises the episode. He says that many of the scenes aren't properly ended, that there's no out. I'm not able to judge this, but he says that this is something he learnt when he began to direct his own episodes.

Michael talks enthusiastically about meeting fans at comic and sci-fi conventions. That's something I miss by living in Germany. He arranges a Smallville night for the fans at each convention. I wish I could be there.

As I mentioned above, Maggie Lawson is this week's guest star in the podcast. Unlike Tom and Michael, she remembers the episode vividly. She suffers from claustrophobia, so it was one of her worst experiences as an actress to wear the prosthetic mask for her old self. She had to sit for four hours while the mask was applied to her face.

The Talon supports Smallville High's football team, the Crows.

This is the Talon's interior. Lana hasn't just inherited a coffee shop, she also has a fully operational cinema. That's a good venue for silent films and monster movies.

The school's cheerleaders can also practise on stage.

Chrissy is the head of the cheerleading squad. Maybe that's why she wants to stay in school.

Go Crows! I'm not a fan of American football, but I'd make sure I get a front row seat so I can watch the cheerleaders.

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Bigfoot or Bust (4 Stars)

So what do you want? Bigfoot or big busts? The following photos may help you decide.

Do you want a closer look?

Becky LeBeau

Gail Thackray

Cindy Lucas

Christine Nguyen

Rocky DeMarco

Unfortunately, it's difficult to judge the busts because the girls keep their clothes on.

Jim Wynorski says that naked girls are so 1990's. Today men like to see them clothed.

Evidently everyone disagrees.

"Let us be naked in your next film! The fans demand it!"

One Million Years B.C. (4 Stars)

I'm watching this film again today because I just heard about Raquel Welch's death. As I write these words, the cause of her death hasn't yet been made public.

The film was made by Hammer Studios in 1966. At the time there was a lot of hype about Raquel. She was called the world's sexiest woman. I never agreed with this description of her, not even when I was younger, but I still liked her. In the 1970's Playboy called her the world's most desired woman. Maybe it just meant that she was the woman Hugh Hefner desired the most. But let's put it into perspective with a little example. Let's say there are ten women, Raquel Welch and nine others. Ten men have to vote who they desire most. Raquel gets two votes, one woman gets no votes, and the other eight women get one vote each. In this hypothetical example, Raquel Welch is voted the most desired woman, even though 80% of the votes are against her.

The film begins with a serious voiceover, sounding like the film was made as a scientific broadcast for the Discovery Channel. We're told that the world is inhabited by dinosaurs and primitive human tribes. The tribes are small, and none of them know anything about one another. This is strange, because the two tribes we see in the film are close to one another. One tribe has dark hair, the other tribe is blond. Let's call them the Darkies and the Blondies.

Tumak is the son of the leader of the Darkie tribe. After an argument with his brother Sakana he leaves the tribe and walks aimlessly through the desert. He collapses from exhaustion and is rescued by Loana from the Blondie tribe.

This is the first glimpse we get of Raquel Welch as Loana.

She's catching fish with the other women of her tribe. She seems to be having fun.

Tomak is accepted into the Blondie tribe, despite his hair colour. Those were the good old days before racism was invented. Maybe people weren't so primitive a million years ago.

Tomak's main interest is in Loana. A million years ago she was the world's most desired woman.

The decision was made to have the people speak in a prehistoric language. I wouldn't have minded them speaking English. I can suspend disbelief. The vocabulary is very limited. Most conversations are made up of the people saying one another's names. The sentences are all one word utterances. "Nakon" means "Kill". "Krast" means "Go away". Other words are "Nian", "Nedi" and "Akita", but I haven't been able to figure out what they mean. I could make guesses, but I'd rather not. Maybe the studio's production notes include a word list.

The film is an example of Ray Harryhausen's skills in special effects. While not up to Jurassic Park standards, it's still amazing how realistic he could make dinosaurs look without the use of computers. He was a genius, far ahead of his time. If you want to see how good he was, just compare him with films made by other special effects artists of his day. Nobody even came close.

Raquel Welch
September 5, 1940 – February 15, 2023

Farewell to Raquel Welch. She was a beautiful actress who will never be forgotten.

Success Rate:  + 17.0

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Under the Silver Lake (3½ Stars)

Conspiracy theories! I love them! It's not that I believe them, I just find them fascinating. It's beautiful the way random facts can be linked together to create a new truth. Just to take one example, the theory that the Moon landing was faked. Clues are strung together from Stan Kubrick's films which are supposed to be a confession that he created the Moon landing in a film studio. Of course, it's nonsensical for anyone to say "I believe the conspiracy theory that <fill-in-the-blank>". As soon as you believe something, you no longer call it a conspiracy theory, you call it a fact.

That's what "Under the Silver Lake" is about. A young man called Sam who lives in Hollywood observes things happening around him. The richest man in Los Angeles has gone missing. Dogs are being killed. His neighbour moves out of her apartment overnight, after she's seen with a man dressed as a pirate. He thinks they're connected, and his investigations lead him into contact with a comic book writer who's a walking encyclopaedia of Los Angeles conspiracy theories; except he doesn't call them conspiracy theories, he calls them facts. A woman who's naked apart from a bird mask has been killing men for hundreds of years. A free gift in a cereal packet is a map of secret locations in Los Angeles. A new pop group, Jesus and the Brides of Dracula, has been putting secret messages in their songs. There's a secret society, an elite in Los Angeles, that can read the messages. Everyone else is blissfully ignorant.

When I watched the film the first time I gave it a high rating. It doesn't seem so good the second time round. What I like is the atmosphere and the mystery. When the mystery is unravelled, the explanations are so absurd that I can't accept them. I don't want to go into them, except to say that the explanations are more absurd than the theories themselves. Let me give a parallel: In the case of the faked Moon landing, someone finds out that Stanley Kubrick was hired to make the film by inhabitants of the Moon who wanted to remain secret. That's a similar level of insanity.

On the other hand, I've read film reviews that claim that the final scenes aren't really happening. Sam is so obsessed with his conspiracy theories that he imagines things that justify them. In general, I reject film interpretations that claim everything is imagined or dreamt or the visions of a psychotic breakdown. In this case it makes better sense than accepting the final scenes at face value. Did Sam kill the neighbour that he thought had moved out? Anything is possible in a film like this.

Success Rate:  - 3.9

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Julia (3 Stars)

This is yet another Blu-ray that I picked up from DM's bargain bin. (The others were "Asylum" and "Fight Valley"). The first thing that attracted me to the film was the 18 certificate. In Germany film ratings are more lenient than England and America, so the 18 certificate is rare. I picked up the box, and the description said that it's a violent film about a woman taking revenge on men who've raped her. Perfect! I love rape'n'revenge films. It was worth the four Euros that I paid at the checkout, especially since the film costs 15 Euros at Amazon.

The film begins with Julia visiting a man at home. Is it a blind date? That's foolish. The man drugs her drink, and when she wakes up she's raped by four men. What I liked is that the rape itself was skipped over and only shown in brief flashbacks later in the film. When it comes to rape'n'revenge films I don't like the rape to be shown explicitly. The men think she's dead and tell one of them to dump her body in the Hudson River, but she opens her eyes and the man leaves her at the riverside.

Julia doesn't go to the police. She reads online that the police usually doubt the woman and think that the sex was consensual. She takes a week off work and drinks a lot of vodka. Then she overhears women in a bar talking about self help for rape victims. She visits a therapist, a man who recommends that women take revenge on rapists. That's a strange form of therapy! Julia joins a group of women who practise violence against men. They go to bars, and if a man follows one of them into the street the others jump on him and beat him up.

It doesn't stay with beatings. Julia joins the women in murdering rapists, presumably the men who'd raped the others. She begins to enjoy killing. Things are going too slow for her. She wants to pursue her own rapists, so she acts alone. She lures three of them into an apartment, saying that she enjoyed what they'd done to her. She kills them, and then goes to visit the fourth, but he's already been killed.

If the film had ended at this point I would have said "What a great film!" and slapped a five star rating on it. But the film carries on and it gets weird. The so-called therapist is angry that Julia has acted by herself and wants to punish her. To be precise, he wants to execute her for going against his instructions. Why couldn't the writer/director have left it as a standard, predictable rape'n'revenge drama? Why did he have to add an unexpected plot twist? He's spoilt a film that could have been so good.

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Fight Valley (2 Stars)

This is another film that I picked up from DM's bargain bin, at the same time as "Asylum". I don't buy Blu-rays just because they're cheap. Something has to attract me to them. In the case of "Asylum", it was Peter Cushing's photo on the box. In the case of "Fight Valley", it was tough looking women. That looks like a film I'd love. So why is my rating so low?

A young woman called Tori is found dead.  Her sister Windsor investigates and finds out that Tori was killed in an underground fighting match. There's a place called Fight Valley in which women fight brutally, no holds barred. Windsor decides to get revenge by challenging the woman who killed her sister. She's never been in a fight before, so she takes lessons from an MMA champion who owns a gym. After four weeks she's ready.

Huh? Four weeks of training is enough to prepare a woman for a bare knuckles fight? That's the smallest problem in the film.

I checked the biographies of the women in the film. They're not actresses, they're all professional fighters. Without knowing anything about the film's background, I can assume it was a work of love for them. They wanted to make a film with tough women. That's laudable. But they could have done it better.

The girls all talk at ghetto level. They sound primitive. I'm sure that not one of the women in the film talks like this in real life. They put on ghetto accents to make the fighters sound primitive. They succeeded. They sound primitive, and they sound obnoxious.

The film's biggest problem is the way Fight Valley is organised. It's run by a group of muscular black men who stand watching the white women fight. Something about this picture is wrong. Is it racist or misogynist or both? There is something deeply disturbing about black men watching white women batter one another to death.

I almost gave the film a one star rating, but two scenes with gratuitous nudity perked my interest. It's sad when that's the only thing I can praise about a film.

I bought the film on Blu-ray, but according to Amazon the Blu-ray is out of print, so the film can only be bought on DVD. I wonder how many months the film was on DM's shelves before it was moved into the bargain bin.

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VFB Stuttgart Season 2022 Match 20

SC Freiburg – VfB Stuttgart

Date: 11th February 2023, 3:30 pm

Result: 2 – 1

I've now reached the stage of desperation where I expect VfB Stuttgart to lose. I didn't even bother to follow the radio broadcast of the match yesterday. I was feeling bored, so I replayed the first 120 levels of Candy Crush. That took me almost four hours. At least I had a good feeling afterwards, which wouldn't have been the case if I'd listened to Stuttgart losing yet again

1.	Bayern München	43
2.	Union Berlin	42
3.	Dortmund	40
4.	SC Freiburg	37
5.	RB Leipzig	36
6.	Eintracht Frankfurt	35
7.	Wolfsburg	30
8.	Leverkusen	27
9.	Werder Bremen	27
10.	Mönchengladbach	26
11.	Mainz	26
12.	Köln	23
13.	Augsburg	21
14.	Hoffenheim	19
15.	VfL Bochum	19
16.	VfB Stuttgart	16
17.	Hertha BSC	14
18.	Schalke 04	12

Die Nibelungen, Part 2 (4 Stars)

This is the second part of the Nibelung films, made a year later in 1967. At the end of the first film Siegfried was slain on the instructions of his spurned lover Brunhilde. She still loved him, but if she couldn't have him nobody could. Broken-hearted, she kills herself on Siegfried's tomb.

Kriemhild has sworn revenge on Hagen for the murder of her husband. Nine months after his death she gives birth to a son, and she proclaims that he will be the one to kill Hagen. She leaves Burgundy to raise her son in Xanten. On the way she's ambushed, and Hagen kills her son. She's left to die, but she's rescued by Huns. They take her home, and she marries Etzel, the King of the Huns.

Time passes. She has another son with King Etzel. On his third birthday he's due to be baptised. She invites her family, knowing that Hagen will be with them. Unknown to her husband, she plans to kill Hagen. When the first attempt on his life takes place, Etzel is horrified. She says she won't do it again, but her desire for revenge is stronger than her honesty. In the next battle Kriemheld's son is killed. That's collateral damage, but it persuades Etzel that Hagen needs to die. Most of the film is taken up with battles between The Burgundians and the Huns.

Finally the only Burgundians left alive are Hagen and King Gunter. They surrender. The king collapses and dies from his wounds. Kriemhild kills Hagen with a sword. Kriemhild looks at her three brothers lying dead (Gunter, Giselher and Gernot), and she falls upon a sword.

This is the most famous story in German literature. Most children read it in school. I should have read it years ago. After watching the films I read a short synopsis of the poem, and there are many details omitted in the films. Three hours isn't enough to do it justice. I just ordered a free copy for my Kindle.

Die Nibelungen, Part 1 (4½ Stars)

This is a film based on the epic German poem, "The Song of the Nibelungs". The Nibelungs were an old German clan. The story originated in the sixth Century and was written in different forms over the centuries, but today the definitive version is the poem that was written in the 13th Century. In recent years it's better known for its adaptation by Richard Wagner as an opera.

This film was made in 1966 and tells the first half of the story. The second part was made a year later. The film's primary character is Siegfried of Xanten, part of the Netherlands. While he's making a sword for himself someone tries to kill him. He slays the would be assassin while the blade is still hot. This gives the sword supernatural strength. It can cut through anything. Encouraged by his new weapon, he goes to slay a dragon. As the dragon lies dying he bathes in its blood. This makes him invulnerable. The only place he can be wounded is a heart-shaped place on his back where a leaf was sticking to him and prevented the dragon's blood touching him.

After this he defeats Alberich, the king of the dwarves, and steals his helmet that makes him invisible. Alberich swears to serve him.

In a treasure trove Siegfried finds a golden ring. Alberich tells him that it belongs to Brunhilde, the Queen of Iceland. She's been cursed to remain asleep until someone puts the ring back on her finger. Nobody has been able to do this, because her castle is surrounded by a wall of fire. This doesn't stop Siegfried. He runs through the fire and isn't harmed, apart from a small burn where the leaf had been on his skin.

Brunhilde begs Siegfried to marry her and become the King of Iceland at her side, but he says that he wants to have more adventures before he settles down. He sets sail for Germany, promising that he'll return and marry her. Siegfried's next step is to conquer the Kingdom of Burgundy. Surprisingly, King Gunter of Burgundy welcomes him as a friend. He says there's no need to fight, because he'll give Siegfried whatever he wants. Siegfried sees Kriemheld, Gunter's sister, so he asks for her hand in marriage. Gunter agrees, but he says it's a custom in Burgundy that the king's sisters aren't allowed to marry until after the king has married. Gunter says he wants to marry Brunhilde and asks Siegfried to introduce them. That must be the most tactless request ever. At this point I'm already starting to dislike Siegfried.

Siegfried and Gunter travel to Iceland. Brunhilde is heartbroken that Siegfried loves another woman. She says that she'll only marry Gunter if he can defeat her in a contest of stone, spear and sword. She's been endowed with supernatural strength by Odin. Gunter cheats, with Siegfried's help. Siegfried makes himself invisible and stands next to Gunter, competing on his behalf. He throws the rock, throws the spear and breaks Brunhilde's shield with his sword.

Gunter marries Brunhilde and Siegfried marries Kriemheld. But it's not the end of the story. Brunhilde refuses to sleep with Gunter unless he can remove her belt. Gunter is too weak to do this, so he's aided by Siegfried again the next night. But when Siegfried takes Brunhilde's belt back to his bedroom, Kriemheld is jealous.

Brunhilde would have been a perfect match for Siegfried.

Kriemheld is beautiful, but that's no excuse for turning his back on Brunhilde. I don't think it's just about the physical appearance. Religion plays a role. Siegfried is a Christian, and he wants a Christian wife like Kriemhild, not a pagan like Brunhilde. Though it's not stated in the film, I think that it's also an issue of male insecurity. Brunhilde is almost as strong as Siegfried, so he's afraid that he would have to prove himself on a daily basis. Kriemhild is a weak woman, easier to deal with.

Siegfried gets what he deserves. Hagen, one of Gunter's knights, is unhappy with Christianity and allies himself with Brunhilde. She tells Hagen about Siegfried's weak spot. While out hunting, Hagen throws a spear into Siegfried's back and kills him.

That's the end of part one.

This was a big budget production for the German film industry in the 1960's. Apart from a large cast with hundreds of extras, scenes are filmed on location in Iceland. A weakness is the special effects. Whoever did the special effects was no Ray Harryhausen. The dragon looks like he's made of plastic, and it hardly moves, it just breathes fire. Apart from this fault, it's an excellent film. I'll watch the second part tomorrow.