Masha and the Bear 1.9.3 - Time To Ride My Pony

This episode was first broadcast on 4th October 2012. It's about chess, the game of kings. It's a game I learnt to play at a very young age, before I started school. My father taught me the game, but I was soon able to beat him. He only knew the rules of the game, i.e. how to move the pieces, but he had no feeling at all for strategy. Soon after that I began to play with my Uncle Arthur, whenever he visited. He was a reasonably good player. At first he could beat me, but as I improved I won most games against him.

I didn't have a good opponent until I moved to Walsall at the age of eight. There was a boy called Richard Lee who lived in the same street as me (Westbourne Street). We played chess almost every day. As I remember, he was a slightly better player than me. At an estimate, I'd say he won about six out of ten games against me.

When I started grammar school at the age of eleven I took chess very seriously. There were several good chess players in my class. Richard was in the same class as me, Class 1Y in Queen Mary's Grammar School, but he lost interest in chess. I was the opposite. School began at 9 am every day, but I always arrived at 8 am to play chess. I was also a member of the school's chess club, and I could beat a lot of the older boys. That continued for most of my first year. Then something clicked in me. I told myself that I was spending too much time on chess and needed to concentrate on my school work. I remained in the chess club, but I stopped filling my spare time with chess. I carried on playing until I was 14, and then one day I stopped altogether.

I didn't touch a chess board for years. The next time I played was when I was 21 and studying in Berlin. I had a friend at university whose girlfriend Valentina liked to play chess. I played with her a few times and usually won. One day a group of students visited the Tiergarten, a park which had an area for nudists. I was reluctant to take my clothes off, but my friends persuaded me. Despite my initial fears, nothing embarrassing happened. Then Valentina told me she'd brought her chess set with her and wanted to play with me. Sure, why not? It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. She sat with her legs on either side of the board, knees in the air. I tried not to look. I sat in a similar position, which was my second mistake. I couldn't concentrate. I don't know what excited me more, being naked in front of her or losing the game. Probably the latter, because the excitement started when she took my queen. Valentina laughed at me, but she was kind enough to give me a towel to cover myself. It didn't help much, because the towel was standing up like a tent. I should have resigned, but I continued until she checkmated me. She asked me if I wanted to play another game, but I said No. I spent the next hour hiding in the bushes trying to cool down.

I saw Valentina a few more times, but we never mentioned the incident. Sometimes she made a sly smile and I wondered if she was thinking about it. But the lasting effect that it had on me is that I've always connected chess with sexual embarrassment. I've played chess sporadically since then, but never against a woman.

Now let's talk bout the episode itself. Do you remember Bear's friend Tiger from his circus days? The last time he visited was in the episode "Stripes and Whiskers". I've noticed that some reviewers even call the tiger Stripes And Whskers, but I don't think that's correct. His name is Tiger with a capital T.

The two friends are sitting down for a game of chess. By the way, I've never understood why chess is written with a small C. It would be more logical for call it Chess as a proper noun. It's usual to write most games with small letters, but it still seems weird to me. It's said that only trademarked games like Monopoly should be capitalised, whereas public-domain games shouldn't. That seems like an arbitrary distinction.

Bear can hardly wait to play his old friend. He sets up his teapot for light refreshment.

Then there's a noise at the door. Masha and Rabbit rush into the house playing Hockey. Sorry, I should have called it hockey.

Bear is annoyed.

He tells Masha to be quiet and play elsewhere, but Tiger has another idea.

Tiger invites Masha to play a game. You're never too young to learn chess.

She's thrilled by all the action figures, as she calls them, and she quickly learns the moves.

After only a few moves she moves her knight and checkmates Bear. Beginner's luck? I think Bear was playing stupidly. You shouldn't expose your king early in the game.

Tiger thinks it's hilarious.

He soon changes his mind. Masha beats Tiger next. For chess fans, this sort of checkmate is called a smothered mate.

In quick succession, Masha plays games against Bear and Tiger alternately, and she wins them all. Every game is won by moving her knight, which she calls a pony. Every time she moves her knight, she says "Ride, ride, my little pony". Cute.

Bear runs outside and howls.

Bear and Tiger can't understand how she does it.

Eventually poor little Masha falls asleep at the chessboard.

Bear and Tiger spend all night reading chess books to find a way to defeat Masha's horseplay. I'm sorry, boys, books won't help you now.

When Masha wakes up they want to carry on playing chess with her, but she says that chess is too difficult for them. They should play noughts and crosses instead. Hmmm... that game looks better without capitals.

But Masha wins every single game. Now come on, that's not realistic. Anyone who knows the basic strategy of noughts and crosses should never lose. There are only a few variations. If both players know what they're doing, every game should end in a draw.

Obviously, Bear and Tiger don't know what they're doing. They lose every game. This makes them run onto the hills and howl in frustration.

The End.