River of No Return (4 Stars)

"River of No Return" is a western made in 1954, starring Robert Mitchum and Marilyn Monroe. The film is set in 1875 in the Northwest of America, probably Idaho. Robert Mitchum plays Matt Calder, a man who's spent eight years in prison for murder. The relatively small sentence is probably because he shot the man to protect his friend, but he shot the man in the back, which has given him a bad reputation among gunfighters. Matt defends his action by saying that if you kill a snake it doesn't matter whether you can see his face or not. Maybe the man he killed was a better gunfighter, so Matt killed him the only way he could.

The area has been caught up by gold fever, but Matt has no intention of becoming rich. He's a simple man who wants to live as a farmer. His first action after coming out of prison is to build himself a home. Then he goes to look for his nine-year-old son Mark that he hasn't seen since he was a baby. Mark is currently in the care of a saloon singer called Kay, who is glad to give Mark back because she's planning to marry a gambler, Harry Weston.

Matt takes his son back to his farm, while Harry and Kay travel to Council City by raft to file the deed on a gold mine he's won. The river passes Matt's farm, and Matt has to rescue Harry and Kay from the rapids. Harry shows his gratitude by stealing Matt's horse and rifle at gunpoint, so that he and Kay can continue their journey by land. Kay says she'll remain with Matt to help him because of his injuries. Harry agrees, saying he can travel faster without her.

After Harry's departure the other three can't stay at the farm for long. Indians attack, and Matt has no weapon to defend his home. He tells Mark and Kay to join him on the raft. He's also out for revenge. He says that stealing a man's horse is an offence punishable by hanging – was that true in 1875? – so he won't be punished if he shoots Harry.

The majority of the film shows the river trip and the difficulties with strong currents and Indian attackers. The journey lasts a few days. I wasn't counting, but I think it was three days. Matt is a perfect gentleman for most of the journey, respecting Kay because she's engaged to another man. Kay still loves Harry and tries to persuade Matt to forgive him. I was growing to like Matt as a character until he finally snapped and forced Kay to the ground, kissing her against her will. I know Marilyn Monroe is beautiful, but that's no excuse! When a woman says No she means No. He would have gone further if they hadn't been interrupted by a mountain lion.

I think I can allow myself spoilers when writing about films 60 years old. I want to write about something poignant in the story.

Mark is initially disappointed with his father when he finds out that he shot someone in the back. In the final showdown Mark learns the harsh realities of life. Matt is lying on the ground and Harry is about to shoot him, so Mark shoots Harry in the back.

I've heard Marilyn Monroe sing in a few films, but I didn't know she could play the guitar as well. She sings a few songs in the film, first in a saloon, then in a farm, then by the side of the river on the journey.

I've always liked Robert Mitchum as an actor. I ought to watch more of his films. So many films, so little time. Marilyn Monroe's performance is perfect, as always. This is a simple but enjoyable film.

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The Seven Year Itch (3 Stars)

This film has become famous because of one scene, in which Marilyn Monroe's dress is blown up when she stands over a subway air vent. People know this image of Marilyn, even if they don't know the name of film where it happens. Ironically, the film itself shows less than the publicity photos. "The Seven Year Itch" was made in 1955, a time when Hollywood films were marred by prudity. A better camera angle would have made the scene more exciting.

The film is an adaptation of a successful Broadway play written by George Axelrod. I assume that the film keeps closely to the original dialogue. Almost all of the scenes take place indoors, apart from the already mentioned iconic scene.

The premise of the film is that in summer men send their wives and children on vacation to cooler places to get away from the New York heat. Did they really do that? It seems like a strange custom. The publishing executive Richard Sherman is one of these men. When his wife leaves he promises not to smoke, drink or eat meat. He soon breaks the first two promises, but at least he sticks to a healthy vegetarian diet. One thing he doesn't promise is to remain faithful, because his wife takes his fidelity for granted. He's a good man, he doesn't intend to play around, but he's severely tempted when a beautiful woman moves into the apartment upstairs.

I have to say, I wouldn't have been tempted at all. It's true, I like beautiful women, but I find the woman's personality annoying. She's a stereotypical dumb blonde. I like women to be intelligent and self-confident. Of course, it's a comedy. We're meant to laugh at the woman's stupidity and naivety, and we're meant to laugh at Richard falling for her. I find her funny, but I don't find her alluring.

That's the reason for my low rating for the film. We need a remake in which a devious temptress uses her womanly wiles to seduce the faithful married man. That would be my sort of film.

How to marry a millionaire (3 Stars)

Starring Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable and Marilyn Monroe. The three New York models Schatze, Loca and Pola have decided that love is nothing for them. What they really want is rich husbands to give them a life of luxury. They do their best to ensnare millionaires with their womanly wiles, but the trouble is that they can't keep their hearts under control. They keep falling for handsome poor men.

This is a cute little comedy, though rather dated by today's standards. It's certainly no masterpiece, although it's dear to the heart of Marilyn Monroe fans, even though she doesn't play the main role in the film. The lead actress is Lauren Bacall.

"Murder by Strangulation" is a fascinating book to attract the attention of fellow passengers on an airplane. Putting the dust jacket on upside down doesn't hide what it's about. It certainly makes the man sitting next to her feel uncomfortable.

Some like it hot (4 Stars)

"I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop".

I belong to a film club and often discuss films with other people. One thing I've heard repeatedly is that remakes suck. When they say this they're referring both to remakes of foreign films and modern remakes of older films. They point to obvious examples of failed remakes, such as "Dark Water" (a Hollywood remake of a Japanese film) and "Assault on Precinct 13" (a 2005 remake of a 1976 film). My reply to them is that generalisations suck, and I point to "Some like it hot", a remake of the French film "Fanfare of Love". Many consider "Some like it hot" to be the best comedy film ever.

The film begins with a true event, the Valentine's Day Massacre of 1929, when seven prominent Irish mobsters were killed in a firing squad style assassination in Chicago, presumably by rival Italian mobsters under the leadership of Al Capone. Two jazz musicians, Joe and Gerald, witness the killing and manage to flee, but are recognised by the killers. They hatch a plot to escape to Florida by disguising themselves as women and joining a female jazz band.

The two men call themselves Josephine and Daphne. They have a hard time controlling themselves when they're surrounded by scantily dressed women in the sleeping compartment on the train to Florida. They're both attracted to the band's singer, Sugar Kane Kowalczyk, played by Marilyn Monroe. Thinking them to be girls like her, Sugar Kane confesses her most intimate secrets to Joe/Joesephine. She says that she's always falling in love with saxophone players -- the saxophone is Joe's instrument -- but she wants to pull herself together and marry a millionaire instead. She tells Gerald/Daphne that she envies "her" because she's so flat-chested; as a busty woman Sugar Kane has trouble finding clothes that fit.

Unluckily, there is a yearly meeting of Italian mafia families in Florida disguised as a convention to celebrate Italian opera. The Chicago mobsters recognise the jazz players despite their disguises and try to kill them.

This is a hilarious film, even though the humour is dated by today's standards. When it was made in 1959 it must have been absolutely shocking to see men dressed as women. Today we just shrug our shoulders and say "So what?". The film's biggest weakness, in my opinion, is that it was made in black and white, which was unusual at the time. It's claimed that the decision was made because the lead actors, Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon, looked too ugly to be taken seriously as women. I don't believe this. Make-up could have been used to make them look as pretty as necessary within the context of the film. I think the real reason was that the director feared censorship because the actors looked too attractive and could have aroused illegal desires in homosexuals.

I started this review by talking about remakes. I believe that in the right hands it could be successfully remade today. I can't think of any actress who could come up to the level of Marilyn Monroe's innocent sex appeal, but the advantages of making a colour version with more daring modern humour would silence all criticism, except from Marilyn's most devoted fans.

The German singer Roger Baptist is also a friend of Italian opera.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (5 Stars)

I know I've seen this film before, but it was a long, long time ago. It must have been on television when I was still living with my parents. It's an old film, made in 1953, before I was born. That gives me a strange feeling, which might be shared by some of my readers. It seems somehow bizarre to see young, attractive people on screen, knowing that they're either dead or very old today.

Let's get the film's title out of the way first. "Gentlemen prefer blondes" is nonsensical in the context of the film. Jane Russell is a brunette, but she gets just as much male attention as her blonde co-star Marilyn Monroe. Do gentlemen really prefer blondes? I doubt it. It would be more accurate to say that gentlemen prefer women with big breasts, but that wouldn't be as catchy as a film title.

Marilyn Monroe made about 30 films in her career, of which I've only seen a few, maybe half a dozen. This is probably her most famous film, alongside "Some like it hot". Despite being an intelligent woman, at the peak of her career (in the 1950's) she was typecast as a dumb blonde. In fact, she's such a dumb blonde that her performances seem like a caricature. Even if Marilyn or someone like her lived today, I couldn't imagine her making films like these. We've become too politically correct. Misguided feminists would complain about the degrading portrayal of women, although I think that it's the men who are really stupid.

The film is about two showgirls, Lorelei (Marilyn Monroe) and Dorothy (Jane Russell). They're best friends, but their attitudes towards men are the exact opposite. Dorothy is attracted to men for their looks, whereas Lorelei is attracted to men for their wealth. It could be argued that they're both shallow, in different ways. Lorelei, for all her apparent lack of intelligence, is the smart one who knows how to manipulate men.

Lorelei has a millionaire boyfriend in New York, Gus. She plans to marry him in Paris, but his father doesn't allow him to travel with her and she goes ahead alone. On the ship she meets a rich old man, Francis Beekman, who owns a diamond mine. He's already married, but that doesn't matter to her, she just wants his money. She affectionately calls him Piggy. Lorelei doesn't need to go all the way to get what she wants. After dancing with him and hugging him she persuades Piggy to give her his wife's diamond tiara, telling the insurance company that it was stolen.

Lorelei's fiancé Gus is a fool, but he isn't a complete fool. Or maybe he is. He hires a private detective to observe her on the ship and in Paris. When he sees the photos of her in an embrace with Piggy he breaks off the engagement. Soon after he changes his mind and travels to Paris to marry her, because he loves her anyway. Lorelei loves him, for the time being at least. He's a millionaire, a perfect catch for her. The film ends with the wedding, but what would have happened in the sequel? If Gus lost all his money in the stock market Lorelei would have looked for a new Piggy to give her what she wanted.

Incidentally, for all her naivety Dorothy is also aware of the power of Woman. Speaking to Lorelei about the detective she says, "If we can't empty his pockets between us we're not worthy of the name woman".

How to marry a millionaire (3 Stars)

After hearing about Lauren Bacall's death I decided to watch at least one of her films, preferably one I hadn't seen before. It's amazing that out of her more than 50 films only six are available on Netflix. As you probably know, her main films were made in the 1940's and 1950's. In later films she only played minor roles, for instance Paul Sheldon's agent in "Misery". Of the six films carried by Netflix, only one of her classic films is included, namely "How to marry a millionaire" from 1953. Marilyn Monroe was given the main billing as the most famous actress of the time, and even today the DVD releases only show Marilyn on the cover, but it's obvious on watching the film that she's just a supporting actress.

Schatze Page (Lauren Bacall), Pola Debevoise (Marilyn Monroe) and Loco Dempsey (Betty Grable) are three young models in New York. After being divorced from a poor man who worked in a gas station Schatze wants to make a new start. She's determined to marry a millionaire. Preferably an older man, so that he'll die and leave her the money. To make sure that she meets the right sort of people, she moves into a luxury penthouse apartment with Pola and Loco. Even with the three of them contributing towards the rent it's still too expensive, so Schatze sells the apartment's furniture (which doesn't belong to her).

Even though Pola and Loco are in on the plan, they're not as focussed. Schatze introduces them to rich old millionaires, but they prefer handsome young men. Ironically, Schatze has to fight off the advances of a sloppily dressed young man, not realising that he's one of the richest men in the city.

Which one would you marry? Tough choice.

For me, when I think of Lauren Bacall I associate her with Hollywood's film noir period. To me she was the ultimate femme fatale of the 1940's. "How to marry a millionaire" is very different. I have to admit that I didn't enjoy it very much. It was promoted as a comedy, but apart from the slapstick scenes centred around Pola being short sighted I didn't find it funny. The film seems to be more about presenting eye candy to the audience. For instance, the scene where the three girls are modelling various outfits in a New York store is unnecessarily long. Maybe I'll watch a more typical Lauren Bacall film in the next few days.

Lauren Bacall
September 16, 1924 – August 12, 2014