The Magnificent Two (4 Stars)

My rating is based on the quality of the film as a whole. That's the way it should be. If I were judging it on the last three minutes, five stars wouldn't be enough. I was only 12 when I saw the film in the cinema, and I didn't see it again for more than 30 years, but the final scene was imprinted on my psyche. I remembered it and fantasised about it for 30 years. I forgot the film's name, so I was lucky to be able to find it on DVD in 2004. I didn't even remember the film's plot. All I remembered was the final scene, and that the film starred Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise.

Morecambe and Wise, as they're affectionately known, were icons of British culture for more than 25 years, and their legacy remains till today. They began their career as comedians in the 1940's, performing primarily at holiday resorts around the English coast, but their big breakthrough came with the invention of television. In 1954 they became one of the first comedy acts on television, but their biggest success came in the early 1960's when televisions were in widespread use in Britain. I emphasise Britain, because they never made a big breakthrough in other countries. They were just too British.

They were best known for their weekly shows and their Christmas specials, which continued until Eric Morecambe's death in 1984, but they made four feature films together. "The Magnificent Two" is the third film, and still the only one I've seen. I've never felt inclined to buy the other films, because their unique brand of humour doesn't translate so well to the big screen. I'm only interested in this one film because of the last three minutes.

So let's get to the plot. Eric and Ernie – they use their own names in the film – are two salesmen for plastic action figures. They travel to the South American country Parazuellia with four suitcases full of miniature soldiers, hoping to make a quick profit and get home soon. They didn't reckon with the country's political turmoil. A rebellion led by General Torrez is attempting to overthrow the country's leader, General Diaz. General Torrez is accidentally killed when he's knocked out of a train. His second-in-command, General Carillo, is amazed by Eric's similarity to Torrez, so he asks him to impersonate Torrez. If he agrees he'll be paid one million pesos, if he refuses he'll be shot.

This is the real General Torrez before his death. I can see a certain similarity.

As in all progressive revolutionary armies, men and women train and fight side by side. Why not? Women can handle a rifle as well as any man, and they can be just as ruthless.

I've always been turned on by women in army uniforms, but I suspect that it was this film that sparked my army fetish at an early age.

It's not just the uniform. I find girls with guns sexy.

The rebellion is successful. General Diaz goes into hiding, and Eric becomes the new president of Parazuellia. He's supposed to be a figurehead, while General Carillo makes all the decisions, but Eric has idealistic dreams of being a benevolent leader. In his first televised broadcast he makes extravagant promises to the people, so Carillo decides to have him assassinated, blaming the supporters of General Diaz.

After a series of comical mishaps, Eric and Ernie flee and find refuge in the home of General Diaz. The treatment of Eric and Ernie splits General Carillo's army; the men remain loyal to him, while the women follow Eric. It must be his sex appeal. Or maybe they became weak when they saw Ernie's short fat hairy legs.

Which leads me to the last three minutes. General Carillo has captured Eric and Ernie, along with General Diaz. His men are entrenched, and the women soldiers are heavily outnumbered. The women's leader, General Marin, is forced to resort to desperate measures.

The women strip off their uniforms and march towards the enemy.

Slowly. Confidently.

General Marin wants to see what the men are made of. Will they fire at the women?

The men do exactly what I would have done. They lower their weapons. They stand and stare. Some even run towards the women. I wouldn't have done that. I would just have stood staring.

The women open fire. Most of the men fall dead on the floor.

In the battle of the sexes there can only be one winner.

Those who survive the first attack drop their weapons and surrender. They never stood a chance.

The men beg for mercy from General Marin as she arrives to enjoy the victory.

I said that women can be just as ruthless as men. Sometimes they can be even more ruthless. She doesn't want to take prisoners. The women continue firing.

The men have shown what they were made of. Weak. Pathetic. Horny.

The irony is, if the men had resisted the allure of the bikini-clad soldiers, she would have laughed at them and said they weren't real men. They proved their manhood by letting themselves be killed.

And the film ends with General Carla Marin becoming the new president of the Women's Republic of Parazuellia.

As I said, I was only 12 when I watched this film. I remember being extremely excited by what happened in the last three minutes of the film. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. The sight of men being shot dead by women in bikinis made an impression on me that's lasted my whole life. This was the beginning of my death fantasies. It was the proof of something in the SCUM Manifesto, which I didn't read until years later: "The male likes death. It excites him sexually and, already dead inside, he wants to die".

It's impossible to say whether I would have developed the same way if I had never seen this film. Maybe I would, but I like to feel that "The Magnificent Two" formed me. There are many small incidents in my early life which might also have influenced me. They're things that I should write about some day, even though they have nothing to do with films. I've confessed some of the things to past lovers, but other things have remained secret all my life.