Upside Down (3 Stars)

Admittedly, Kirsten Dunst looks beautiful from any angle, but when she's standing upside down it looks like she's waiting for a kiss from Spider-Man.

She gets her kiss, but not from Spider-Man.

By now you must be wondering what the film's about, so let me quote the introductory narration:

At the dawn of time, from the chaos, came an exception, one of the most mysterious secrets of the universe. It's the only known solar system with double gravity, two twin planets revolving around one sun, but each with its own and opposite gravity. In our world it's possible to fall up and to rise down.

There are three basic laws of double gravity.

• All matter, every single object, is pulled by the gravity of the world that it comes from, and not the other.
• An object's weight can be offset using matter from the opposite world (inverse matter).
• The problem is, after a few hours of contact, matter in contact with inverse matter burns.

These laws are as old as the universe itself. They're unchangeable, and there are no exceptions.

Gravity. They say you can't fight it. Well, I disagree. What if love were stronger than gravity?

By now you must be scratching your head in frustration, trying to understand this crazy premise. Don't bother. It can't be done. Every mental contortion you make to justify these words will create even more questions. Just think of the film as a fairy tale.

As you can see, the worlds, called Up and Down, are very close together. The highest mountain peaks almost touch. They're not close enough to jump, but they're close enough to pull someone in with a rope, which Adam (from Down) does to Eden (from Up). The Biblical names suggest some sort of religious interpretation, but this isn't followed up in the film. In the right of the picture you can see a large building that connects the two worlds.

You've probably guessed by now that the film is a love story. How can a couple come together when gravity is pulling them apart. "What if love were stronger than gravity?"

"Upside Down" is a film laced with CGI effects. Visually, it's spoilt by many scenes being unnaturally bright. I might have rated the film higher if not for one plot point that I consider poor writing. For most of the film Eden is suffering from amnesia. Yuck! Amnesia is the last resort of a bad screenwriter.

Today is the second time I've watched "Upside Down". That's enough.

Success Rate:  - 2.3

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Maps to the Stars (3¾ Stars)

After seeing this film in the cinema I found it difficult to review. I cheated by checking reviews written by other people, but I don't like their reviews either. I think the problem is that the film has different stories which are interlocked by sharing the same people, but actually have little to do with one another. It's the same scenario that we have in "Magnolia", except that P. T. Anderson makes a big deal of stories happening in parallel while David Cronenberg just lets them happen.

Let me attempt a partial synopsis of the film. Spoiler-free, of course. Dr. Stafford Weiss (John Cusack) is a psychotherapist who has become a millionaire through television appearances, self-help books and treating the Hollywood stars. His unconventional counselling techniques involve talking to the actresses -- he only has female clients? -- while massaging them. But there are several dark secrets in his life. His wife is his sister. His 13-year-old son Benjie, the star of "Bad Babysitter", has just spent four years in drug rehab. His 18-year-old daughter Agatha (Mia Wasikowska) was sent to a mental asylum as a child after starting a fire, and he refuses to let her contact his family.

Agatha returns to Hollywood with the intention of marrying her brother. After all, she's only following the example set my her parents. She returns using a false name to avoid suspicion. At the airport she meets and grows attached to Jerome (Robert Pattinson), a young man who is working as a limo driver while trying to make it as a screenwriter. She becomes the personal assistant of Havana Segrand (Julianne Moore), an aging actress and one of Dr. Weiss's patients, who is desperate to star in a film remake in which she would play the same role that her now deceased mother played 30 years earlier.

The film is a savaging attack on the Hollywood film community and the people who populate it. The teen stars that Benjie mixes with are the ugliest of all. They've entered an adult world, and they've adopted its conventions to survive. They talk bad about others behind their backs and fight their way to the top by trampling on their peers. The adults too are heartless. When the son of Havana's friend Azita (Jayne Heitmeyer) dies, Havana pretends to be sympathetic, but she's really pleased because Azita is no longer able to star in a film role that Havana wanted.

I don't think my synopsis does the film justice, even though it's better than anything else I've read so far. I've omitted many things that are going on, but it should give you a rough impression. It's a film worth seeing more than once. It confused me on first viewing, but there's a good chance I'll rate it higher next time I see it.

Out of Control (3 Stars)

This is a Canadian film made for television in 1998. Obviously the film's title wasn't copyrighted, because there are at least four other films with the same name.

Lena is the girlfriend of a member of the mafia in Pittsburgh. When her boyfriend is making a large money delivery for his boss she drives away with the money. After a long drive she stops for a meal in a small town called Bilton, where she falls in love with the owner of a gas station.

Not all films can be masterpieces. I don't say that as a criticism. Some films are made with the intention of being rated as great films. This is obvious from the budget, the cinematography or the famous stars in the cast. Not all films intended to be great films hit the mark, but it's apparent that it was their goal. Other films set their sights lower. Like this one. It was made with a small budget, it's mildly entertaining and it has a couple of plot twists to keep the viewer hooked until the end. It's not intended to be watched more than once. Maybe I'm unfair rating it so low. It's a success in what it set out to accomplish. It's now out of print, but it's available to be watched on Netflix.

Jayne Heitmeyer is excited by money.

Upside Down (3½ Stars)

What if love were stronger than gravity?

The film takes place in a dual planetary system. Two planets orbit the same sun, side by side, in close proximity to one another. Each has its own gravitational system. Matter is attracted by the gravity of the planet it comes from, even if it's taken to the other planet. The planet Up is oppulent, while the people of Down live in squalor. Even though people from Up occasionally visit Down, because it's considered quaint, people from Down are forbidden to visit Up, and social contact is punishable by death.

Adam is a boy from Down, Eden is a girl from Up. They meet by accident while they're climbing mountains that almost touch each other. They fall in love, but they're separated after an accident in which Eden falls back to her own planet. Ten years later they're both working for Transworld, an interplanetary company with a building that connects the two planets. Adam illegally enters her half of the building to rekindle their relationship.

Despite being portrayed as a science fiction film, this is a fairy tale, rich in allegory. It can be interpreted in many different ways, from class divisions to racism. The fairy tale aspect is the film's greatest weakness. From the beginning it's predictable that there will be a happy ending. There's never any doubt that love is stronger than gravity.

Matthew Blackheart, Monster Smasher (3½ Stars)

In 1944 the top American scientist, Dr. Franken, built a supersoldier by assembling pieces from dead American soldiers. Matthew Blackheart was the perfect American: he read the Bible, carried a gun and loved the president. His first mission was to stop the evil Dr. Mortas creating monsters for Hitler. Unfortunately the mission failed, and he was frozen in ice for 55 years.

In 1999 Matthew wakes up and returns to New York, the place where he was first created. Many things have changed, and not just the technology. In 1944 the enemy was a thousand miles away in Europe, but now the enemy is in the heart of America. Dr. Mortas is in New York, creating monsters behind the respectable walls of a music company. The fight must go on.

This Canadian made-for-television movie won't win any prizes for originality, but it's a fun romp. It's a shame that Jayne Heitmeyer only has a brief appearance as the femme fatale Ava. She's a sexy lady that I can't get enough of.

Black Swarm (3½ Stars)

This is a Canadian made-for-television movie from 2007. I seem to be watching a lot of them lately. But before I get to the film itself, check out the photo above. I absolutely despise DVD cases with the little clips at the side that you have to open first. Since they're quite rare I never expect them, and I end up tugging at the case for ages before I figure out what to do. This is a reason I always have a small stack of replacement cases lying around. I'll try not to forget to trash this case as soon as I've finished this post.

After the death of her husband, policewoman Jane Kozick leaves the sleepy town Black Stone in upstate New York to move to Manhattan. Nine years later she decides that the big city is a bad place for her 10-year-old daughter Kelsey to grow up, so she moves back to Black Stone. It's the safest place on Earth, nothing ever happens.

Almost nothing. Jane's new next door neighbour is Eli Giles, an eccentric old man who lives in a trailer, played by Robert Englund. Eli has been secretly working on a government project to genetically engineer wasps to become super soldiers. Unfortunately the wasps escape, causing quite a problem for the local pest control. The wasps are equipped with stingers over an inch long. One sting is enough to kill a man, but the wasps never attack individually, they always come in a large swarm. This itself would be enough to make a horrifying film, but the wasps also lay eggs inside the dead victims, making them come back to life as human drones, staggering around the town like zombies, obeying the orders of the wasp queen. These undead humans carry wasp swarms in their bodies that they release by opening their mouths. Whoa! It's amazing what one scientist working alone in a trailer can accomplish. I've always known Robert Englund is a genius.

Before you say it can't get any worse (or any more unbelievable), the wasps decide to pick Kelsey to become their new queen. So poor Deputy Sheriff Cozick has to find a way to save the world without killing her daughter. Standing in her way is the government agent Katherine Randell, played by the deliciously evil Jayne Heitmeyer. I've never seen her play a bad guy before, but she acts the role as naturally as if she were born for it.

I personally would have enjoyed the film more if it had just been a killer wasp film. The wasp-spewing zombies are more comical than terrifying. Too many ideas were packed into the film. A simple story can be the best. Less is more. The film's biggest plus is Robert Englund. I have the greatest respect for him. Ever since he became famous for playing Freddy Krueger in "Nightmare on Elm Street" he's been appearing in trashy low budget horror films, but however bad the films may be he puts on world class performances. Any film he appears in is worth watching for him alone.

Voodoo Moon (2 Stars)

This is a frustratingly disappointing film. So much is fleetingly mentioned but not explained that it seems like a sequel, but I searched and found nothing. As a standalone film it falls flat.

Cole is an exorcist and/or demon hunter blessed with supernatural powers. For years he has been fighting a powerful demon who possesses a different body for every battle. For the first half of the film the demon is referred to only as "him", making me think it's Satan himself. In the second half of the film he's called Daniel, but I can't be sure whether that's his real name or just the name of the person whose body he is inhabiting. Cole is assisted by his sister Heather, played by Charisma Carpenter. He also gathers together about a dozen people to assist in the final battle, all people that he has saved from "him" in previous battles. That's the film's main problem. It isn't clear why he wants them around. They don't have any special abilities, apart from some of them having guns, which is hardly the best qualification for fighting demons. There are too many of them for the viewer to get a grip of. We don't know who they are, there isn't sufficient time for origin stories for all of them, they're just people who sit playing poker while they're waiting to be killed.

The film isn't a complete loss. At least it stars Jayne Heitmeyer as Lola, an ex-member of a Satan worshipping biker gang that Cole helped get off drugs. She doesn't do much more than sit around looking pretty, but that's enough.

Snakeman (3½ Stars)

It often happens that the cover of a DVD has a misleading picture on it. It might be a scene of events that don't happen in the film, or in extreme cases it might be a picture of people who don't appear in the film. This is mostly the case with DVD releases of old films that were made before the invention if DVDs. But I have to say, the UK release of this film sets a new standard in bad packaging. On the back of the cover we read:

When a research physicist working for a pharmaceutical conglomerate realizes that a serum they have developed is 1,000 times more deadly than any chemical or biological weapon, he crosses over to the dark world of international arms dealing. His betrayal leads to his terrible encounter with hundreds of venomous snakes in the laboratory. He survives, but evolves into a half man, half snake.

Exciting stuff, huh? Except that's not what the film's about.

Dr. Susan Elters, played by the beautiful Jayne Heitmeyer, is a biologist leading an expedition into the Amazon rainforest to search for a tribe that has a lifespan of over 300 years. She finds the tribe, but most of her party is killed by a giant seven-headed snake that the tribe worships as a God.

It looks like whoever designed the DVD box didn't take the trouble to watch the film first. I did a bit of research, and I found that the DVD was packaged by Boulevard Entertainment, a company that specialises in repackaging DVDs to create custom versions for supermarkets and similar stores. I hope that all their work isn't as bad as this.

Jayne Heitmeyer, aged 45, looking hotter than girls half her age

Sci-Fighters (3 Stars)

There are two lessons that film makers should learn:

1. If you set a science fiction film in the future don't specify the year. It's embarrassing if people are still watching the film after that date and the world looks nothing like the film.

2. Don't hire a wrestler as the lead actor. Most wrestlers suck at acting. Some are good enough for supporting roles. None are good enough to carry a lead role.

Maybe I should add another point:

3. Don't pick a silly name for a film unless it's a comedy.

This Canadian made-for-television film takes place in the distant future, the year 2009. The Earth has been turned into eternal night by a series of volcanic eruptions covering the world with dust. Violent criminals are sent to prison colonies on the Moon. A criminal's body is returned to Earth after his death. The problem is that he isn't dead. He's infected with a deadly virus, and he's running around the city raping women, spreading the disease. Detective Cameron Grayson (Roddy Piper) has to hunt him down before the human race is wiped out, aided by microbiologist Dr. Kirbie Younger (Jayne Heitmeyer).

As wrestlers go, Rowdy Roddy Piper isn't the worst actor. He's better than the Rock, and much better than Hulk Hogan. He looks uncannily like Christopher Lambert when he's pacing across the rooftops in his longcoat. Jayne Heitmeyer is a better actress, but I have to say that short hair doesn't suit her. The film isn't too bad, it's worth watching once. In England you can buy it for less than the price of a Blockbuster rental. After that you'll probably forget it. Unless you're a Jayne Heitmeyer fan.

View of Terror (3½ Stars)

This is a Canadian made-for-television movie about Celeste Timmerman, a young woman who lives and works in Manhattan. After moving into a new apartment she is observed with a telescope by someone who lives opposite. If it had been a secret voyeur he might have got away with it, but he begins to make phone calls, telling her how much she excites him. As if this weren't bad enough, she even finds evidence that he has been entering her apartment while she's at work. She's being stalked, she knows she's being stalked, but she doesn't know by who.

Celeste is played by Shannen Doherty, best known for her role as Prue Halliwell in "Charmed". Of course, my main reason for buying the film is that Jayne Heitmeyer plays Celeste's best friend, Tasha Kingsley. Not only is Jayne far more attractive than Shannen, her character in the film is much sexier and more flirtatious. When Tasha visits Celeste she finds her cowering behind closed curtains. Tasha's reaction is to rip the curtains open and put on a sexy striptease for the secret admirer.

While this might seem comical, it's the best strategy. When a man preys on a woman or even rapes her it's not primarily about sex, it's about power. Men like that feel sexually inadequate and are scared of women, so they pick on timid women as easy targets. If a woman is aggressively self-confident she scares predatory men away.

Jayne Heitmeyer knows what she's doing.

Shannen Doherty doesn't.

The Lost World (3½ Stars)

Certain stories grab people's attention so much that they are filmed over and over again. Take, for instance, this film. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's book, "The Lost World", has been filmed seven times, in the years 1925, 1960, 1992, 1998 (twice), 1999 and 2001. This doesn't include television series, spin-offs and films strongly influenced by the book. There's something about dinosaur stories that people like, kids and grown ups alike. This story has influenced the genre by implanting the archetypes into similar films. We have the wise old scientist, the daring explorer, the naive newspaper reporter, the unscrupulous big game hunter, the native girl, and last but not least the anti-damsel-in-distress, i.e. an intelligent, highly educated woman who loudly proclaims women's independence, but becomes weak and helpless as soon as a strong man confronts her. If you watch any film about a "lost world" or "mysterious island" you will find some or all of these six archetypes.

I've seen several of the films over the years, especially the 1960 version which is still frequently shown on television. When I saw this film, one of the 1998 versions, on sale for a ridiculously low price I had to buy it. What attracted me was that Jayne Heitmeyer plays the part of the anti-damsel-in-distress. I really need some way to shorten that word. Maybe Anita Sarkeesian has a better word, but for now I'll call her the antidid. I've recently been watching the fifth season of "Earth Final Conflict", which is probably the most female-centred television series ever made (the fifth season, at least). The world is being threatened by aliens who have lain dormant for 6000 years, and only two women are fighting to save the earth: Jayne Heitmeyer and Melinda Deines. Jayne's amazing action sequences make it difficult to believe she was over 40 years old at the time of filming.

I like strong women, and Jayne (who I also know from the second season of "Nightman") has impressed me enough to want to see more of her. Even as an antidid. As always, her acting is superb and she looks far younger than her real age. Despite being 38, her character Amanda in the film is 25-ish. Overall the film is cheesy, the CGI dinosaurs are unconvincing, and the 1960 version is probably better. But it has Jayne Heitmeyer in it. Nuff said!