Enemy Gold (4½ Stars)

"This is the greatest movie this year that features enormous breasted undercover federal agents firing off automatic weapons and riding dirt bikes through the East Texas piney woods in search of buried Confederate gold while being hunted down by a Bolivian topless bar owner and cocaine dealer with terrible dictions" (Joe Bob Briggs).

After a summary like that from the supremely eloquent film critic Joe Bob Briggs I can hardly say anything else about "Enemy Gold", but I'll try my best.

This is the ninth film in the Andy Sidaris collection, made in 1993. After the first eight films formed a more-or-less consistent series, this is a new start. The film is still about the Agency, but none of the characters from the previous eight films are featured. There's no mention of Molokai Cargo, Radio KSXY or the Abilene family. It's a new start. That doesn't mean the actors are new. Julie Strain was killed as Blu Steele in "Fit To Kill", so now she returns as Jewel Panther. Rodrigo Obregon has been killed in almost every film, so now he can return as the drug lord Santiago, only to die again. (Oops! Was that a spoiler?) Bruce Penhall played Bruce Christian in the last few films, but now he's Chris Cannon. That's strange. Usually actors have to be killed to get a new identity, but Bruce was very much alive at the end of the last film. Maybe he overdosed on spare ribs at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

There's a reason for the change. This is the first film in the Andy Sidaris collection that wasn't directed by Andy himself; his son Drew Sidaris took over. According to an interview Andy wanted to step down and let his son take over the family business, but after a trial run of two films it didn't work out. Drew should have been directing, but in actual fact Andy was running around the whole time telling him what to do.

It's natural that self-employed parents should want their children to follow in their footsteps, whether they're butchers, bakers or film directors, but the children might not have the interest or the aptitude. There's no shame in it. Drew just wasn't cut out to be a film director. As I mentioned in my review of "Fit To Kill", Roger Moore's son quit acting after appearing in only three films. The film business isn't for everyone.

This film features the Agency operatives Mark Austin, Becky Midnite and Chris Cannon. After a successful drugs bust they're suspended by their boss for not following protocol. In actual fact the boss is angry because the drug lord Santiago has been paying him to spare his business. The three agents go camping in the woods near Dallas while they're off duty. (It was actually filmed in Shreveport, Louisiana. Is the terrain so similar?) They have good luck and bad luck in the woods. They find a map to the burial place of gold that Confederate soldiers stole during the Civil War. They can't hunt in peace because Santiago wants to kill them with the assistance of the deadly assassin Jewel Panther.

Rodrigo Obregon is one of the coolest bad guys ever. I'm disappointed when he plays a good guy.

There's nothing cool about Julie Strain. She's pure evil in every role she plays. She can out-fight and out-shoot any man.

Julie enjoys her job. She needs a boat, so she goes to talk with two fishermen. She flirts with them...

then she shoots them.

Isn't that the most evil face imaginable? Everything about her gaze says "You're next". If you're lucky she might give you a few minutes of pleasure before she kills you, but it's doubtful.

At least she didn't kill Andy Sidaris. She loved him too much. Her meanness was restricted to distracting him while he was recording his film introductions for the DVD release. His wife Arlene was in the room when the introductions were filmed, so he had to try hard to remain professional. The other two girls in this picture are Zen and Zero, better known as the Porcelain Twins. Judging by the outfits they're wearing, this must have been filmed in 2002 when they were in California to make "13 Erotic Ghosts".

Andy, behave! Your wife is watching! You'll be sleeping on the couch tonight!

But seriously, I have to ask: why didn't Drew want a life like this?

At least Drew adheres to his father's tradition of ending the film with the agents enjoying a glass of champagne. Andy probably insisted on it!

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