The Hills have Thighs (4 Stars)

I've never had to wait so long for a film before. "The Hills Have Thighs" was made in 2010 and released on DVD a short time later on DVD, but it was a limited edition and already out of stock by the time I tried to buy it. So I've waited... and waited... and waited... until it was finally remastered for Blu-ray earlier this year. It isn't available from Amazon, it's sold exclusively by Makeflix. Click the picture above for a link.

As you might have guessed, it's a parody of "The Hills Have Eyes", a horror film made four years earlier in 2006. A man called Bill is hiking alone in the mountains of South Texas. What he doesn't know is that the area was used for atom bomb tests 60 years previously. As a result women have turned into busty mutants who capture men and use them for sex. Poor Bill. All I can say is that they wouldn't need weapons to capture me. I'd surrender to them and do whatever they demand.

When he doesn't return home, four of Bill's friends go searching for him. (From left to right: Mary, Sandy, Mark and Ben). They don't know if he's alive or dead, but they at least want to find his body. When they find his wallet, still full of money, they fear the worst. What sort of person would take Bill but leave his money behind?

The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil. If that's the case, the mutant women must be pure and sinless. They don't want money, they just want men.

The four friends meet a mysterious woman called Tanya wandering in the mountains. She tells them she's been looking for her father for the last 10 years, but she's obviously keeping secrets from them. This is the weakest part of the film. The director could have added an extra 15 minutes to tell us what her true intentions are. But Tanya helps them by giving them a warning. She tells them that the women will capture men alive but kill women.

Ben and Mark send Mary and Sandy away for their own safety, so they can confront the mutant women themselves.

It's a battle like the world has never seen before. I just have one question: if the women have lived all their lives in the mountains, where have the fashionable clothes come from? Shouldn't they be running around naked?

Who will win the battle? Buy the Blu-ray if you want to find out. You can't expect me to tell you everything.

When talking about the Smallville episode "Exodus", Kristin Kreuk insisted that she hadn't used her tongue when she was kissing Tom Welling. She says it wouldn't have been professional. Obviously Julie K. Smith and Brandin Racklet thought differently when they were sharing a passionate kiss. They look like duelling tongues. In my books that's professional enough.