Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (4 Stars)

This is the 13th film directed by Dean McKendrick, made in 2014. It's his second horror film, after "College Coeds vs Zombie Housewives". As is to be expected, the film is just as camp as it's erotic.

Daniel Hunter can be added to the long list of actors who have played Count Dracula on screen, starting with Max Schreck in 1922. Maybe a complete list could be made if we restricted ourselves to actors who have played Dracula in adaptations of Bram Stoker's original novel, but if we wanted to count the actors who have played Dracula in other stories the numbers would run into the hundreds, maybe even thousands. If anyone has attempted to make a complete list, please let me know. The first thing I'll do is check whether Daniel Hunter is included.

Whether or not Daniel Hunter can be considered erotic is a question I'll leave up to the ladies, but his girlfriend Morticia, played by Adriana Chechik in her second film for Dean McKendrick, is definitely erotic. I read Bram Stoker's "Dracula" only a few months ago, so I know that in the book he had three female companions. I would have liked to see the other two. Maybe the lack of the two other brides is the reason that Daniel Hunter can't keep his hands or his teeth to himself. Morticia is an open-minded girl who doesn't mind her lover having sex with other women, but she's annoyed that he can't stop biting them. Their village in Transylvania is rapidly running out of virgins, so she says they should move to their second home in Beverly Hills.

It's a clash of the Old World and the New Rich. Vlad and Morticia move into their home opposite the hard-working lawyer Bob and his idle wife Jane. While Bob is at work until late at night preparing his legal briefs, Jane is obsessed with the new neighbours. Why did they move in at night? Why didn't they bring any luggage? Why don't they have a car in the drive? The third point is especially suspicious. Everybody in Beverly Hills needs to show off an expensive car in their driveway to make the neighbours jealous.

Luckily, the population of Beverly Hills isn't left defenceless against the vampire menace. Alexa Van Helsing has pursued Count Dracula from Europe to America, and she's determined to put an end to his reign of tyranny. The only problem is that Jane keeps getting in her way. Jane should leave the vampire slaying up to the experts. You know it makes sense.

Alexa is played by the delectable actress Sarah Hunter. Maybe the film should have been called "Erotic Vampire Hunters of Beverly Hills". She combines an innocent girl-next-door look with overpowering sensuality.

Jacqui Holland is also beautiful, but in her role as Jane there's a mania about her. Jane as a character is annoying, but this is deliberate, and it's a sign of Jacqui's acting skill that she can annoy me so much, in this role at least. She's totally different in all her other films.

I can't end this review without mentioning that Jazy Berlin also appears as one of Bob's colleagues in the law film. She's always sexy in every film she makes, she can't help it. Maybe the film should have been called "Erotic Lawyers of Beverly Hills". That still sounds like a horror film. Lawyers scare me a lot more than vampires.

At the time of writing, this film is still available on DVD from Amazon. I can recommend it to anyone who likes vampires and pretty girls.

Lust in Space (4 Stars)

This is the 12th film directed by Dean McKendrick, made in 2014. It marks a return to his favourite genre, science fiction, but unlike his previous sci-fi films, it's not a fantasy film about aliens from distant worlds. Everything that happens is realistic, grounded in today's technology. The film has to do with a space shuttle and the International Space Station.

The film is called "Lust in Space", to which I have to ask, why shouldn't there be lust in space? In fact, I'd expect there to be more lust in space than there is on Earth. It probably seems exciting to spend three months or longer on a space station, but when you're there it gets boring. You spend every day in the same few rooms, there are no pubs, no gyms, no parks, nothing to ease the monotony. All you can do is lust for your fellow astronauts that you see every day. And if there's a female astronaut like Jazy Berlin who leaves her top half open while discussing solar flares, the temperatures will soar.

That's another matter in my reviews. The same actors repeatedly appear in Dean McKendrick's films, so I feel tempted to use their real names in my reviews, not the names of the characters they play. I know Jazy Berlin well. This is her fourth film directed by Dean McKendrick, and she also appeared in two of the later Medina films. Added to that, she's appeared in three Axel Braun super-hero films as the Black Cat.

The bad guy in this film is Mary Carey. Or should I say bad girl? She wants to hold the world to ransom by installing a laser cannon on the International Space Station. Didn't something like that happen in "Bikini Avengers"? She has an undercover agent on the International Space Station, a Russian astronaut called Nikolai. He's already made preparations, and he just needs one piece of equipment to complete the laser. Mary uses the seductive spy Sasha (Karlie Montana) to seduce Pete, the next astronaut travelling to the space station. She gives him a photo of herself that has an electronic device hidden in the frame.

Sasha should buy herself a new outfit. There's something about this hat that screams "I'm a spy!" Fortunately, most of her spy work is carried out with her clothes off.

Mike Gaglio is the director of the space programme. He might be a small man, but Mary can't take her eyes off him. He must have hidden qualities.

Overall, this is a well made film. The outer space scenes are put together with a mix of CGI and stock footage. Another reviewer criticises the film for not having weightlessness in the space station, but hey! When the girls are as hot as Jazy Berlin, Mary Carey and Karlie Montana, who cares?

Unlike most of Dean McKendrick's films, "Lust in Space" is still available at Amazon. Just be careful you don't accidentally buy another film with the same title.

Black Christmas [2019 version] (3 Stars)

"We're not insane, merely men".

This is the second remake of the 1974 film, "Black Christmas". I haven't watched either of the two previous versions, but I've read enough about them to know that the new version is so different that it can be considered a new film, copying only the background of the previous films but forging ahead in a different direction. Whereas the first films were pure slasher movies, the new film contains conspiracies and feminist messages.

The film takes place a few days in the future. I was amused to see the dates 19th and 20th December 2019 on screen. Riley and her friends in the MKD soriety house are getting ready to break up for Christmas. One by one the girls are attacked and killed by a hooded assailant with various weapons. It's not just the knife in the film poster, he also uses a bow and arrow.

Riley, played by Imogen Poots, has other problems on her mind. Two years previously she was raped by Brian Huntley, the president of the DKO fraternity. He was expelled from the university, but now he's visiting again for Christmas. When she receives threatening text messages she doesn't know whether they're from Brian or the mystery killer. Or maybe they're the same person.

As the poster above shows, the girls aren't intimidated. They pick up weapons and fight back against the slasher. That's very different to typical slasher films, in which one girl at most, the survivor, fights back.

And the story also has supernatural elements... but that would be telling too much.....

The problem with the film is that it doesn't know what it is. Is it a slasher movie or a girls-vs-boys free for all? I welcome feminist messages in films, but they seem out of place in this genre. In slasher films women don't make feminist speeches, they just get killed. The slasher picks on weak women.

I think I'll give it another chance and watch it when it comes out on Blu-ray. I want to watch the other versions first. Maybe then I'll be able to rate it higher. I don't know.

Cursed [2005] (4 Stars)

This is a film I haven't watched for a long time. I couldn't even remember what it was about or who starred in it. I picked it up when I was making a selection of films I want to get rid of. Once every few years I pick up every DVD and Blu-ray in my collection, look at it, and ask myself if I'm likely to watch it again. I don't fill my bookcases with films just to have a collection I can boast about. The last time I trimmed my collection was in 2016, and the next time will be in early 2020.

This is definitely a film I'll keep. It was directed by Wes Craven and produced by Kevin Williamson, which is always a good team, although it's not up to the quality of "Scream". The film seems inconsistent. It starts off with suspense and frequent horror film jump scares. Then it settles into a mystery. Then comes the main action/fight scene, which lasts a good 20 minutes, longer than expected, but so good that it could have lasted longer. The film is rounded off with a slow moving epilogue that seems out of place after the previous fast pacing.

Ellie (Christina Ricci) lives with her younger brother Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg). It's not clear what's happened to their parents, but it was probably a tragedy, because they frequently look at an old family photo. Ellie and Jimmy are involved in a car crash when they hit an animal and skid onto the other side of the road, knocking another car into the bushes. They witness the driver of the other car being dragged away by a large wolf. Both of them are scratched by the wolf.

Over the following days both of them display strange symptoms. They develop a taste for raw meat and a pentagram forms on their right hands. The second symptom alone would be enough to make me run to the doctor... or the nearest Catholic priest. They suspect that there are other werewolves among their friends, but no one will admit it.

Though not a great film, "Cursed" is enjoyable and worth wathing more than once. The acting is excellent from the young people who look like teens even though they're older. Hollywood makeup works miracles. I wonder if I could be made to look like a teen. I don't understand why the film was a box office failure. The critics didn't like it, but that doesn't usually put people off. The viewing public is fickle.

Success Rate:  - 1.3

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Marvel Years 11.01 - January 1971

Amazing Spider-Man #92

Title: When Iceman Attacks

Writer: Stan Lee
Artist: Gil Kane

Regulars: Gwen Stacy, J. Jonah Jameson, Joe Robertson

Guests: Iceman

When Spider-Man sees Gwen Stacy and Sam Bullit waiting for him in Peter Parker's apartment, he grabs Gwen and leaps out of the window with her. He's protecting her from Bullit, but she thinks he's kidnapping her and struggles with him. Bobby Drake is walking by and sees this happening. He changes into Iceman and fights Spider-Man to free Gwen. Spider-Man lets him have Gwen and swings away. Bullit thanks Iceman, which gives the surrounding people the impression that Iceman is working for him.

J. Jonah Jameson rings Bullit to tell him he's withdrawing his newspaper's support for his campaign to become district attorney. Joe Robertson has researched Bullit's past and discovered he's a crook. Bullit sends his henchmen to kidnap Robertson. Spider-Man pursues their car, but Iceman attacks him again, slowing him down. When Iceman finally sees what's happening he teams up with Spider-Man to free Robertson.

Then they go to Bullit's fundraiser to expose him. He's arrested by the police.

---

Fantastic Four #106

This is an outstanding cover, drawn by John Romita.

Title: The Monster's Secret!

Writer: Stan Lee
Artist: John Romita

Fantastic Four: Reed Richards, Susan Richards, Ben Grimm, Johnny Storm

Villains: unnamed monster (Larry Rambow)

Reed Richards rushes to face the monster wrecking havoc in the city, leaving the Human Torch to take care of Ben Grimm.

Reed Richards' old friend, Dr. Rambow, reveals that the monster is his son Larry. He was trying to abolish war, so he built a suit that would absorb the energy of any weapon. Larry wore the suit to test it, but the energy was too much, turning him into a monster.

These are wise words spoken by Dr. Rambow. You can't end war and violence with a weapon.

The fancy looking machine absorbs the energy, turning Larry back to normal.

---

Thor #184

Title: The World Beyond!

Writer: Stan Lee
Artist: John Buscema

Villain: Loki, Storm Giants, Rock Trolls

Regulars: Odin, Balder, Sif, Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg

John Buscema's artwork is becoming better from issue to issue. He's a worthy successor to Jack Kirby.

Thor returns to Asgard and finds everyone trembling in fear. An invisible power is approaching Asgard, devouring the universe as it approaches. A being called the Silent One has appeared in Odin's throne room, who doesn't communicate, but seems to know what's happening.

Odin enters the World Beyond, followed by the Silent One, while Thor is told to remain behind and defend Asgard. Loki uses the opportunity to attack Asgard with an army of Storm Giants and Rock Trolls. Thor stops the attack. Then Odin's spirit appears and warns Thor about Infinity.

---

Captain America #133

Title: Madness in the Slums!

Writer: Stan Lee
Artist: Gene Colan

Villain: Modok, AIM, Bulldozer

Regulars: Falcon

Guests: Iron Man (Tony Stark)

We finally find out what Modok's name stands for:

Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing.

Cool. We see in a flashback that he was an average member of AIM. He was genetically altered to become an ultimate fighting machine. He was supposed to serve AIM, but he was too powerful and made himself AIM's leader.

Sadly, these words spoken by Modok are true, and not only in comics.

Modok creates a giant robot called the Bulldozer. It goes to Harlem and starts to knock buildings down. The young residents of Harlem call the Bulldozer a hero, but Captain America and the Falcon see through AIM's deception. Using a device built by Tony Stark, they fight and defeat the Bulldozer. Modok is close by, watching the fight. He's trapped in a collapsing building and dies. Seemingly.

---

Sub-Mariner #33

Title: Come the Cataclysm

Writer: Roy Thomas
Artist: Sal Buscema

Villain: Byrrah, Krang, Dr. Dorcas

Regulars: Dorma, Vashti

While Prince Namor is away, Atlantis is shaken by an underwater explosion.

Dorma wants to see what the "timult" is. Is that Atlantean slang, or did Artie Simek misspell "tumult"? Get back in your cage, Artie!

Byrrah arrives, who was exiled from Atlantis for attempting to usurp the throne in Tales To Astonish #91. He says that Namor has allowed the surface people to attack. The Atlanteans ask him to be their new ruler. Namor returns, but the people reject him. He says he'll find out who attacked. He tracks the source of the explosion to an underwater lair occupied by Warlord Krang and Dr. Dorcas, both of whom were last seen in Sub-Mariner #24. They confess that they were working with Byrrah.

Namor returns and expels Byrrah once more.

And now the moment comes that we've all been waiting for. Prince Namor asks Lady Dorma to marry him. Imperius Rex! Soon we'll be hearing the patter of little webbed feet on the ocean floor. Or shall we? Future issues will tell the tale.

---

The Incredible Hulk #135

Title: Descent into the Time-Storm!

Writer: Roy Thomas
Artist: Herb Trimpe

Villain: Kang

Guests: Phantom Eagle

Kang the Conqueror, who we last saw in Avengers #71, is still determined to conquer the 20th Century. He thinks he can do this by killing Bruce Banner's grandfather in 1917, preventing the Hulk ever existing. This will make it easy for him to defeat the Avengers. I have a better suggestion. He should travel to 1960 and kill all the heroes before they gain their super powers. Why does he always have to do things the difficult way?

This is Roy's Theory of Relativity. Hmmm. It sounds more like Roy's Big Cop Out. I wonder what the readers will write in the letter pages. Let's wait and see.

Kang wants to go back to 1917 in person, but a time storm prevents it. He sends the Hulk in his place. The Phantom Eagle, who we saw in a one-shot story in Marvel Super-Heroes #16, is about to destroy a giant German cannon called The Boche (TM) that will kill Bruce Banner's grandfather on the battlefield. Kang tells the Hulk he must destroy the Phantom Eagle's plane in order to defeat Bruce Banner. The Hulk doesn't understand the logic in this, but he goes along with the plan.

The Hulk knocks the Phantom Eagle out of the sky. Then the ground forces fire at him, so he goes on a rampage, destroying The Boche before it can harm anyone.

The Hulk is flung back through time to 1971.

---

The Avengers #84

Title: The Sword and the Sorceress!

Writer: Roy Thomas
Artist: John Buscema

Avengers: Black Panther, Goliath, Vision, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Thor, Black Knight

Villain: Arkon, Enchantress

In the last issue the Enchantress disappeared after the Scarlet Witch turned her powers back upon herself. Now we find out where she went. She's in the parallel universe where Arkon rules. We last saw Arkon in Avengers #76.

The Black Knight is trying to find out if his sword is controlling him, or the other way round. On more than one occasion he's almost killed someone, and he suspects the sword's influence. He speaks to his ancestor, the first Black Knight, who tells him to go to Stonehenge to destroy his sword. At Stonehenge an old woman tells him it can only be destroyed at the Well at the Centre of Time, to which she transports him. This well is in Arkon's kingdom. The Enchantress tells Arkon that the Black Knight is an enemy, and they trap him.

The Scarlet Witch has a dream about the Black Knight's capture. She convinces her fellow Avengers that it's something that really happened, so they call Thor to help them travel to the parallel universe.

Arkon parted with the Avengers in peace, but the Enchantress persuades Arkon that they've come to overthrow him. It's not until the Black Knight throws his sword into the well and destroys it (seemingly) that he's convinced the Avengers came in peace. He allows them to leave.

This story is out of sync with the current Thor adventures in his own comic. It probably takes place before Thor #182 (November 1970).

---

Iron Man #33

Title: Their mission: Destroy Stark Industries!

Writer: Allyn Brodsky
Artist: Don Heck

Villain: Spymaster, Espionage Elite

Regulars: Jasper Sitwell, Kevin O'Brien

Guests: Nick Fury

A group calling itself Espionage Elite, led by the Spymaster, wants to destroy Stark Industries. Tony Stark is tipped off by SHIELD.

Kevin O'Brien, who now works in Stark's main plant, recognises Tony Stark's voice when Iron Man talks to him.

Tony drives to meet Nick Fury, but it's Number 3 of the Espionage Elite in disguise.

Last month Jean Izzo spelt "deceived" wrong. This month she spells "conceited" wrong. Artie Simek should have a serious talk with his little girl.

---

Daredevil #72

Title: Lo! The Lord of the Leopards!

Writer: Gerry Conway
Artist: Gene Colan

Villain: Quothar

Gerry Conway wrote the Ka-Zar story in last month's Astonishing Tales #3, but this is his first story for one of Marvel's main comics. It's also his first full-length story. At the time of writing this story he was either 17, or he'd just turned 18. Either way, he was Marvel's youngest writer. Within a few years he'll become one of Marvel's most prolific writers.

Daredevil tracks Tagak, a man accused of stealing valuable paintings. Daredevil finds out that Tagak isn't the thief, it's a man called Quothar, who's being hunted by Tagak. They both come from another world which can be reached by crossing through a mirror. After they catch Quothar, Tagak takes him back to his world.

As stories go, this is an average attempt, neither poor nor outstanding. I'll be paying close attention to Gerry Conway's stories as the months pass, because I remember calling him Marvel's weakest writer 40 years ago. When I read his stories again I'll judge them with an open mind.

---

Amazing Adventures #4

Title: With these rings, I thee kill!

Writer: Jack Kirby
Artist: Jack Kirby

Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Karnak, Triton

Villain: Mandarin

This is the last story written and drawn by Jack Kirby before he left Marvel. It won't be the same without him.

The Inhumans find the Eye of Yin, but the Mandarin steals it from them. They defeat him in battle and bury his rings deep in the Earth before they leave.

Don't be overconfident, Black Bolt. The Mandarin can easily make himself new rings.

---

Title: Deadlock

Writer: Mimi Gold
Artist: Gene Colan

Villain: gangsters

Regulars: Paul Hamilton

This is another story written by Mimi Gold, Marvel's only female writer.

The Black Widow escapes from the gangsters, then rushes to help the teenagers who are occupying their community centre.

That's four issues of the Black Widow fighting gangsters. I find these stories boring. She should be battling super-villains.

---

Other comics published this month:

My Love #9 (Stan Lee, Gene Colan)
Rawhide Kid #83 (Larry Lieber, Larry Lieber)
Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos #83 (Gary Friedrich, Dick Ayers)
Tower of Shadows #9 (Roy Thomas, Tom Palmer)

College Coeds vs Zombie Housewives (4 Stars)

Christine Nguyen and Karlie Montana as zombies? That's enough to make any man run for the hills. At least they're not dripping with blood.

This is the 11th film directed by Dean McKendrick, made in 2014. After experimenting with other genres, he's turned his attention to horror films. It's also a romantic farce.

As is usual in Dean McKendrick's films, we're usually told the first name of the characters, sometimes the second name, but never both. In this film we meet the two married couples, Gary and Tracy (Frankie Dell and Karlie Montana), and Hank and Carrie (Andrew Espinoza Long and Christine Nguyen). Gary is a scientist, but his work is driven by his love life, or rather his lack of a love life. His wife Tracy is never interested in sex, so he's developing a formula to make women want sex. What he doesn't know is that there's nothing wrong with Tracy's libido; she just prefers to have sex with Hank.

Gary decides to slip his experimental new drug, RDU-47, into his wife's drink. Accidentally, Carrie also drinks it. He should have tested it better beforehand. It has unexpected results. It does make women feel more sexual, but it makes them want lesbian sex. Poor Gary. All the years of scientific research, and he's still frustrated. But that's not the only effect that RDU-47 has. It also turns people into mindless zombies, who want to kill everyone in sight. It looks like Carrie and Tracy want to beat men to death with their tennis rackets.

Another victim of the drug is Gary's lab assistant Marilyn (Mary Carey). There are beautiful zombies as far as the eye can see.

The men are powerless against the danger of their zombie wives. The only ones who can save them are the three cheerleaders who've moved in next door... when they're not busy flirting with Hank. Their high kicks can knock the zombies flying.

Gary's colleague Steve (Mike Gaglio) develops an antidote before the world is overrun by lesbian zombies. After the battles end and everyone returns to normal, the love quarrels are settled:

Tracy leaves Gary to live with Hank. Gary pairs up with one of the cheerleaders. And what about Carrie? She decides that even without the drug she prefers women, so she becomes Marilyn's partner.

And they all lived happily ever after.....

Bikini Avengers (4 Stars)

This is the tenth film directed by Dean McKendrick, made in 2014. His last films were science-fiction and a swords and sorcery movie. Now he turns his attention to the super-hero genre. I suppose Martin Scorsese would say it's not a real movie, but who cares about his opinion anyway?

The film is based stylistically on the Batman TV series, but it copies elements from the Spider-Man comics and James Bond films. Lori and Stephanie are meek investigative reporters by day, but by night – or any time they can take a break – they become the super-heroes Bikini Avenger and Thong Girl. They're hunting for a mystery villain who has stolen a large diamond from a museum. The only clue is that the security guard was found naked on the floor.

It was the fiendish super-villain, the Jade Empress, who used her power of hypnotic suggestion to overcome the guard. But to be honest, she would have overcome me without any super powers.

What follows is a zany adventure, as the dynamic duo attempt to track down and capture the Jade Empress, who wants to cause destruction by using diamonds to power a giant laser beam in an orbiting satellite. That isn't her only aim. She also wants to take revenge on Bikini Avenger for defeating her in the past, so she lays a fiendish trap.

These are the sexiest super-heroes ever. Does anyone disagree? Erika Jordan stars as the Bikini Avenger (in gold), while Jacqui Holland plays her sidekick Thong Girl (in red). They're both good actresses, but I slightly prefer Jacqui Holland. Her naive innocence as the not-so-intelligent sidekick is at the same time amusing and appealing.

The Bikini Cave is hidden beneath the mansion where Lori and Stephanie live. Does it look familiar to you? It should. It's the house that was rented by the students in "Lolita from Interstellar Space". If you watch Dean McKendrick's films carefully you'll recognise a lot of locations that are used and re-used in his films.

If I were a super-villain, I'd be begging these two girls to arrest me. Or beat me up. Or tie me up. The order doesn't matter, as long as they do all three. I'm the evil Dansator.

Thong Girl: "I've knocked you down, Are you staying down?"

Dansator: "No, I'm getting up for you to hit me again".

Thong Girl: "Gosh, Bikini Avenger! That's the 69th time we've defeated Dansator this year".

Bikini Avenger: "Didn't you notice? I think he likes it".

Thong Girl: "Gosh, Bikini Avenger! I wish I was as smart as you!"