Housewife Report 5 (3 Stars)

The fifth film in the Housewife Report series was made in 1973, the same year as the previous instalment. The film's original title, as it appears on the splash screen, was "Housewife Report International". Instead of reporting on housewives in Germany, the reporter Bernd Mittler is sent to interview women all over the world. His wife Brigitte stays at home in Munich to look after their newly born baby. We heard at the end of the third film that she was pregnant, and now we see the cute little boy.

1. The first segment takes place in Budapest. Ilona is sad that her husband Shandor only has sex with her once a month. Her downstairs neighbour Marika is sad that her husband Istvan demands sex from her twice a day. They agree to swap their husbands. In Socialist countries goods are distributed fairly, as the voiceover says.

2. The second segment takes place in London. Grace and Richard Stevenson have been married for six years. Richard believes in keeping a tight schedule in his life. He leaves for work and returns home at the exact time every day. They have sex every Wednesday evening, and it has to last exactly 20 minutes. Grace enjoys the sex, and these 20 minutes are the highlight of her week, although she wishes she could have more. Her teenage nephew Martin visits them, the son of Richard's brother. He's still a virgin. Grace seduces him, and they have sex every day for a week. Martin wants to run away with Grace, but she sends him back home to his parents. She just wanted some variety. Now she can go back to her 20 minutes a week.

3. The third segment takes place in Madrid. Don Geronimo owns a shop selling religious icons, and his wife Dolores stays at home with their four children. He's a strict Catholic, and he says that sex is only for making babies. There's no more sex for her until she's ready for her fifth child. Dolores feels attracted to her neighbour, who isn't named in the film, but he's played by the fiery Italian Rinaldo Talamonte. I suppose Italians and Spaniards look the same. Rinaldo visits the home regularly disguised as a nun.

Dolores is played by the famous German actress Elisabeth Volkmann in one of her early roles. In later years she distanced herself from her erotic movies. Why? She had a lot to offer, and she didn't need to be ashamed of it.

Rinaldo and Elisabeth pose for the camera.

4. The fourth segment takes place in Coxville, America. Supposedly it's 42 miles north of New York, but the only towns called Coxville that I've been able to find are much further away in other states. Three families live next door to one another. The husbands commute to New York City every day. They work together and spend their evenings together. They don't have much time for their wives. On Sunday the wives go to church together, but for the rest of the week they're bored. They all visit a psychiatrist who has sex with them to make them feel better. Connoisseurs of German erotic films will recognise Ingrid Steeger on the left and Dorothea Rau in the middle.

5. The fifth segment takes place in Paris. Janine and Girard are visiting from a small town in France. They've been married for three years, and the passion has gone from their marriage. Due to confusion at the train station they get separated when they arrive. Janine doesn't know the name of their hotel. She meets and falls in love with a taxi driver, so she leaves her husband.

6. The sixth segment takes place back home in Munich. Linda Holzinger is single and looking for a man. She's devoted to Wagner's music, so any potential husband has to love Wagner. After dating two men unsuccessfully, she meets the triangle player in a large orchestra.

There are scenes from Bernd and Brigitte's happy family life in between the segments. Some of the scenes give me a queasy feeling in my stomach. I'm not saying they're bad, it's possible that the problem lies with me. I'll let others decide. In most of the scenes Bernd and Brigitte are naked while their baby crawls around. Okay, there's nothing wrong with babies seeing their parents naked, but the two actors weren't married in real life, so the small baby (probably less than a year old) wasn't their child, he was just playing the role. Possibly he was the child of Angelika Baumgart, the actress who plays Brigitte, so he was seeing his mother nakes with another man. Should small children appear in nude scenes with adult actors? Let me know what you think.

This is the weakest of the Housewife Report films so far. The first five segments have the same theme: married women don't get enough sex, so they need to look for adventures outside of their marriage. The sixth segment doesn't fit. The woman isn't even married. Every segment (even the sixth) relies on national stereotypes for humour.

P.S. At the end of the film Brigitte tells Bernd that she's expecting a second child.

What really happened to Miss Jonas (3 Stars)

This is a very strange film. It was made as a sequel to "The Devil in Miss Jonas", but for the first 40 minutes I couldn't see any connection between the two films, apart from the fact that the main character in both films is Christa Free.

Mr. Laroche, a wealthy Swiss businessman, sees a photo of a nude girl in the magazine Daily Girl. (Did that magazine really exist in Switzerland in 1974?) He's so fascinated by her beauty that he hires a private detective, Jim Bent, to track her down. He pays 50,000 francs for his services.

Jim's first visit is to the magazine's photographer, who claims that he can't remember her, because he's photographed so many girls. In a flashback scene we see that he's lying. The girl seduced him and begged him to make her the magazine centerfold. He was totally infatuated with her, but she left him when she got what she wanted. Luckily, another model overhears the conversation and tells Jim that she knows the girl. Her name is Christa Lindberger, and she shares an apartment with a friend of hers.

Jim arrives too late to find Christa. She's just moved out. Her room mate complains that Christa used to have sex with a different man every night. He continues to pursue her, always arriving too late, after she's already left. His last visit is to a nude review, where she used to perform as a dancer. More flashbacks. He meets a man who tells her that he got Christa a job in a big film.

And the film is "The Devil in Miss Jonas". There's the connection at last, on a meta level! Now we finally catch up with her activities. Her agent advises her to sleep with the film's producer to get the lead role.

This is where the film gets amusing. We see her rolling in bed with the film producer. He isn't named, but it's easy to recognise the actor. It's Erwin C. Dietrich himself. As soon as he leaves the room she holds a monologue about him being a loser and she can get whatever she wants from him. Next on the list of men to sleep with is the director. We don't see the director, which is just as well, because Erwin C. Dietrich was both producer and director for "The Devil in Miss Jonas".

There are many meta film elements. We see Christa talking to the cast members of "The Devil in Miss Jonas". Of note is that the film crew say that Lindberger is too difficult to remember as a name. She should change her name to Christa Free to be sure of lasting fame.

Jim Bent finds Christa and proclaims his love for her, refusing to introduce her to Mr. Laroche. The film ends with a strange scene. After watching the film in a cinema, Christa is disappointed that her real voice wasn't used in the film. Her voice was dubbed by Beate Hasenau. She visits a voice coach to learn how to speak better. The voice coach is eccentric, running around his room like a fool. I don't see the least point in this scene, it should have been cut.

I like the concept behind the film. Films about films are always good. It's all about the shifting layers of reality. Erwin C. Dietrich is using "What really happened to Miss Jonas" to make fun of himself. Apart from Christa calling him a loser, another actress calls the unseen director an idiot. This all promises a great film. Unfortunately, it's too chaotic, and there are too many unnecessary subplots. There was no need to include a detective in the story, and definitely no need for a voice coach.

Some girls do (4 Stars)

Some girls do have the power to corrupt and destroy you,
They'll take you and they'll break you,
Or they'll make you a king.
They'll bring you the summer when winter is due.
It is truly amazing the things that some girls do.

Some girls do satisfy you, but they all mystify you,
They'll thrill you and some will do anything you desire,
There's no doubt about it, it's known to be true,
There is nothing in the world that can do what some girls do.

This is the second film about the gentleman spy Hugh Drummond. It was made in 1969, two years after "Deadlier than the Male". If the film looks like a James Bond clone, you're right. In the first film especially the actor Richard Johnson is seen imitating the mannerisms of Sean Connery. The main difference of the Hugh Drummond films is that the killers are all female. There's also a camp atmosphere that reminds me of the final season of "The Avengers". The connection between the two franchises was amicable. The film was being made in Pinewood Studios at the same time as "On Her Majesty's Secret Service", and some of the actors appeared in both films and had to run from one set to the other. An example is Joanna Lumley, who had a small role in both films.

As in the first film, the adversary is Carl Petersen. He's involved in industrial espionage. He's been offered eight million pounds to sabotage a new supersonic passenger aircraft, so that the competition will get the contract. This was a hot topic in 1969, because the development of supersonic passenger aircraft was in the news. It wasn't until 1973 that the Concorde went into production.

The film's theme song starts in the opening credits and continues through the first two scenes. Before the song is over two women have killed their victims. The first is a stewardess who throws a scientist out of an airplane, the second clubs a man to death. Both laugh afterwards. This sets the tone for the rest of the film.

Pretty girls. Or are they? Carl Petersen is a scientific genius and has built an army of fembots. He plans to use them to seduce and control world leaders, but that's a story for the third film that was never made. Yes, the two on the right are identical twins, played by Doris and Dora Graham.

It's not just fembots. Petersen also has real women in his service, such as Helga, played by Daliah Lavi. After a night of passion with Hugh Drummond she plants a bomb in his apartment. That's so impersonal. If he hadn't discovered the bomb, he would have died before he even knew she was the killer. She gets another chance later, ramming his private plane in the air.

Is it only me who gets a tingle when a beautiful woman points a gun at me?

Another real woman is Beba Loncar as Pandora. She mockingly calls each victim "little man" before she kills him.

Helga and Pandora make a good team. Either one is deadly by herself, but together they're cataclysmic.

I have nothing against fake women if they're as beautiful as Yutte Stensgaard.

Carl Petersen might not be as much of a megalomaniac as the Bond villains, but he does have many of the same traits. For instance, he invites his adversary into his lair to explain his plans instead of killing him straight away.

This is a very good film, whether you see it as a campy parody of James Bond or a thriller in its own right.

Urlaubsgrüße aus dem Unterhöschen (4½ Stars)

This is a Bavarian sex comedy made in 1973. Its title means "Holiday greetings from the panties". It sounds better in German than in English. Today is the first time I've seen it, and I love it. The humour is bawdy, relying on alternation between erotic farce and slapstick. It's a work of genius. Why were such films only made in Germany? And more to the point, why aren't they made any more?

The film is about a guest house in the Bavarian alps. It's owned by the village's mayor. He's miserable that the regular hotel guests are so poor, contributing nothing to the local economy. Two local businessmen have a foolproof scheme to make things better. First, they drive the regulars away by playing loud music and letting the waitresses flirt with the men in front of their wives. Then they advertise the guest house as a luxury resort in all of Germany's major cities.

The businessmen are Bob and Bert Vogel, played by the real life brothers Gernot and Gunther Möhner. Unlike yesterday's film, they're not identical twins. You might recognise Bob, shown on the left. He plays the reporter Bernd Mittler in the Housewife Report films. He's the main character in this film. Everyone is having sex, except for Bob. Whenever he gets close there's a mishap, and he has to run away with his pants down.

This is Bob with Kati, the mayor's daughter. She's Bob's true love, even though he chases every woman in sight. Don't expect to see any hot and steamy action. Something happens to interrupt Bob, every time. There might be a crisis in the house that he's called to attend to, but most often the problem is Frenzi.

Frenzi Kesselbach is the daughter of a couple from Frankfurt. Her age isn't stated, except that she's just a child, and she's not allowed to drink alcohol. She looks adult to me, however much she grins, but she acts like a child. She's constantly playing practical jokes on the other guests, such as shooting itching powder or throwing potato dumplings. Bob is her favourite target.

The jokes aren't original, but do they need to be? There's the classic mix up of hotel rooms. "What are you doing in my room? My husband will be here any moment". The husband will be disappointed when he finds out what he missed.

It's a hard life for the husband. His wife won't let him enjoy an ice cream, because she says he needs to lose weight.

And he's also a target of Frenzi's pranks.....

A lot of the humour is based on the stereotypes of the different regions (former states) of Germany. Even if you understand German, you might miss the jokes if you're not well acquainted with Germany.

As is usual in the Bavarian films, the women are sexually insatiable, whatever part of Germany they come from. If Ricky doesn't stop, she'll kill Bert. Three times wasn't enough for her.

This is probably the best Bavarian sex comedy I've seen. It's directed by Walter Boos, who was responsible for some of the later Schoolgirl Report films. It's never been released in English, but if you can speak German I strongly recommend it... if you can find it. Ten years ago a large number of the 1970's Erotic Classics were released on DVD, but they're now out of print. Unfortunately.

Twins Of Evil (4 Stars)

This is the third film in Hammer's so-called Karnstein Trilogy. I say so-called, because the three films have nothing to do with one another, apart from featuring the vampire Mircalla Karnstein. In each film she's played by a different actress, and in this film her appearance is reduced to a non-speaking cameo. She has 50 seconds of screentime, heavily draped, and we only see her face for three seconds.

The film is about the two identical twins, Frieda and Maria Gellhorn, played by the real life identical twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson. They're almost identical. Frieda has a spot on her right cheek, only visible in close up shots, and she's half an inch taller. Mary Collinson (on the right) is 5'6", while Madeleine (on the left) is 5'6½". They were the first identical twins to be chosen as Playboy's Playmate(s) of the Month in October 1970.

I can't comment on their real life personalities, but in the film they're very different. Maria is the good twin, Frieda is the evil twin. After the death of their parents they're sent to live with their uncle Gustav (Peter Cushing), a religious fanatic. Maria suggests that they should comply with his wishes, whereas Frieda is defiant.

This is Uncle Gustav preaching in the Brotherhood. Yes, it's a male only religious society. There's no place for silly women who don't understand the Lord's thoughts. And what are the Lord's thoughts?

Witches have to be burnt at the stake. That's what it says in the Bible. "Thou shalt not allow a witch to live" (Exodus 22:18). But how do Gustav and his followers recognise witches? That's obvious from their conversations. "There's a woman who lives alone and she doesn't want a husband. She must be a witch". Obvious, isn't it? So out they run with their stakes in their hands, ready to do the Lord's work.

The witches are all innocent women. That's obvious. There's only one real Devil worshipper in the village, and it's Count Karnstein. He prays to Satan, asking for the power to serve him. The Count sacrifices a virgin to get Satan's attention. That's one thing he has in common with Gustav: they both murder innocent women. Satan answers by reviving the long dead Mircalla Karnstein. In her 50 seconds of glory she rises from the dead, bites the Count's neck and makes him a vampire.

A word on the film's vampire mythology, because every vampire film has its own vampire lore. The vampires in this film can walk in the sunlight. They can be killed by a stake through the heart or being decapitated, but burning doesn't kill a vampire. If his body is burnt his soul occupies someone else's body. Curious. 

Being a vampire is a lonely life, so the Count searches for a worthy companion. He picks Frieda. I can see how she gained his attention. One bite and she's a vampire like him. That's another thing I should say about this film's vampire lore: unless the person is killed, he becomes a vampire within a few seconds of being bitten.

For the sake of journalistic authenticity, I'm providing a photo gallery to show how a vampire attacks.

Frieda invites Anton the choirmaster to her room.

She entices him.

She prepares for the attack.

The trap snaps shut. No way to escape.

From macho man to lifeless corpse in five seconds.

I enjoyed this film, but it's the weakest film in the trilogy. There's a new film which I've been told stays close to the original novel by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. It should have been shown in cinemas in April this year, but it's been postponed indefinitely due to the Coronavirus.

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The Blood Splattered Bride (3 Stars)

This is a Spanish horror film, made in 1972. I've read that it's considered a cult film, but I don't consider it to be that good. Today I watched it dubbed into English, which is the version on the Blu-ray disc combined with "Daughters of Darkness".

The film is loosely based on the 1872 novel "Carmilla" by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. That's a book I've wanted to read for years, and it's already on my Kindle waiting for me to start. This novel also inspired the Hammer Karnstein Trilogy.

The film begins with a couple on their wedding day. The bride's name is Susan, the man remains unnamed, which is significant in itself. He's a generic representative of the male species. They check into a hotel for their honeymoon. Susan takes a nap while her husband goes to the bar for a drink. She has a nightmare about being raped which terrifies her so much that she insists on leaving. They go home to the husband's castle, where he lives with his maid and her precocious 12-year-old daughter Carol.

One of the family ancestors was killed on his wedding night by his bride, Mircalla. She fled from the castle and was never found. Over the following days Susan has dreams about this woman. Then the husband finds a naked woman on the beach who claims to have no memory of who she is, except that her name is Carmilla (an anagram of Mircalla). It's the woman that Susan dreamt about.

Carmilla and Susan become close friends. They go walking at night, and Carmilla tells Susan she has to kill her husband because he's defiled her body by penetrating her.

The ideas behind this film are fascinating, a mixture of lesbianism and female empowerment. The problem is that the film has a slow and dreamy style which doesn't match the plot. There should be more action.

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Their Finest (4 Stars)

This is a charming tale about a film crew making a propaganda film in early 1941. The central character is the screenwriter, Catrin Cole, played by Gemma Arterton. She was a strong woman fighting to establish herself in a man's world.

Click here to read my full review. I'm not feeling motivated to write a lot while the new Blogger interface is full of bugs.

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Six Swedish Girls in the Alps (3½ Stars)

This is the fourth film in the Six Swedish Girls series, made in 1983. Yes, I know I haven't written about the third film yet. I didn't realise I'd got the order wrong until the film was over, but it's not such a big deal. The first two films continue from one another, but the last two are standalone films that can be watched in either order.

Here's a small curiosity. The first two films were directed by Michael Thomas, which was a pseudonym for Erwin C. Dietrich. This film is also directed by Michael Thomas, but this time it's a pseudonym for Paul Grau. This is an attempt to pretend there's continuity, when there really isn't any. Erwin C. Dietrich has taken a step back and is only the producer. If you examine the film closely, it's obvious that it has a different style to the first two films, which were made in 1979 and 1980. While it's still a softcore film (i.e. there's no sexual penetration), it's closer to the border between soft and hard pornography. There are brief glimpses of erect penises in some scenes, which is something never shown in the first two films.

There's also the matter of the characters. It's the same six Swedish girls, supposedly. From left to write we have Greta, Lil, Kerstin, Inga, Astrid and Selma, but they're six new actresses. None of them appeared in the first two films, not one. They're also different actresses to the ones who appeared in the third film. In the first two films the girls were presented with different personalities: for instance, Kerstin was a lesbian, Selma was a clumsy girl and Greta was the most sexually adventurous. In this film they're interchangeable, they're all giggling and sex mad. That makes this film weaker than the others.

These are the Six Swedish Girls version 3. They're easy to tell apart by the names on their chests. At least, they can be told apart at the beginning of the film. They spend most of the film naked.

Curiously, the six original Swedish girls appear briefly in the film. One of the girls relates a story about a friend, and there's a scene which seems to be unused footage from "Julchen und Jettchen".

When six Swedish girls are in Switzerland, no man is safe.

This poor man ended up running naked from the office. I would have stayed and suffered.

The film has a very simple plot, compared to the first two films. The girls have returned to Switzerland to claim an inheritance. (Didn't they already inherit a petrol station in the second film?) While they're waiting for the paperwork to be finalised, they go on holiday to a remote cabin. The only man available is the landlord. Somehow he makes it through the first night, but in the morning he's afraid he won't survive, so he sends his faithful dog into the next village, Guggisberg, with a letter:

"Help! I'm trapped in my cabin with six Swedish girls. I need immediate assistance".

The letter is read by six men who rush to the cabin as fast as they can: a hunter, an angler, a schoolteacher, a shopkeeper, a postman and an innkeeper. The only problem is that the innkeeper's wife suspects what's happening and follows her husband.

When the men arrive the Swedish girls quickly strip their prey and sexually devour them. The cabin's landlord goes out to rest, but then the innkeeper's wife arrives and has sex with him.

I understand the problems faced by Hans the landlord, but I wouldn't have given up the way he did. We all have to die some day, so why not die in bed with sex Swedish girls?

His dog Ello is a beautiful St. Bernard.

Eventually the lawyer arrives in his helicopter, and the girls rush out greet him. Naked, of course.

They jump into the helicopter, still naked, to be flown to their inheritance. And they all lived happily ever after. The voiceover as the helicopter flies into the sunset promises a sequel, but this was the last film.