Borderlands (3 Stars)

I missed this film in the cinema. I was interested in seeing it, but I had personal commitments that kept me away. It happens.

It was obvious from the beginning that the film is trash. Doesn't the film poster that I've included above scream trash at you? But who cares? If it's a good story I can accept any amount of trash. Besides, it's directed by Eli Roth, whose films are always worth watching, trash or not.

The film follows a bounty hunter called Lilith (played by Cate Blanchett) who's sent to the planet Pandora to find the daughter of a wealthy businessman. This planet also contains the Vault of an extinct race. There are different opinions what the Vault contains, from powerful weapons to enormous gems, but everyone wants it. Lilith has no interest in the Vault until she hears of an ancient prophecy that one day a young girl will come who's destined to open the Vault. Tina, the businessman's daughter, is convinced that she's the girl.

The film is beautiful in its chaotic scenery. The characters all clash with one another. I personally found the tiny robot Claptrap annoying. I quite enjoyed the film, but I can't imagine myself wanting to watch it again.

Success Rate:  - 3.3

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The Secret Life of Pets (3 Stars)

Netflix Thursday #33

Pets need attention, especially dogs. They're sad when their owners go out to work all day. They whine unhappily when the owner leaves, and they're overjoyed when he returns. My parents always owned dogs, and they had a strategy to keep them happy. They always owned two dogs at a time to keep one another company during the day.

Max is a Jack Russell who lives in a New York City apartment with Katie. She disappears for hours every day, as most people do. We aren't told what her job is. It isn't relevant. What we see is that Max is unhappy when he's left alone.

He soon makes friends with other pets in the house. They run up and down the fire escapes, in and out of windows, and they happily play with one another. Neither Katie nor any of the other owners know what's going on, because Max and his friends are all sitting and waiting at the door when their owners return home from work.

Katie thinks the same way as my parents. She buys a large mongrel called Duke to keep Max company. It doesn't work. They don't get on with one another. One day Duke drags Max into the alley, trying to make him get lost, but they both lose their collars in a fight with a gang of stray animals who hate humans. In a series of events they're captured by dog catchers, then freed by the stray animals, then captured again. Max is lost and has to find his way back through the city.

But he finds his way back, and when Katie comes come he's sitting at the door as if nothing had happened. This is the life that pets keep secret.

It's a cute but infeasible story. It'll make pet owners want to close their windows before they go to work.

Success Rate:  + 9.8

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Hobbs & Shaw (4 Stars)

Wow! Dwayne Johnson has muscles! What do they feed them in Samoa?

Or is it the pancakes that he eats in America?

This is the first film in which he performs the People's Eyebrow (TM). I'm sure he could raise his eyebrow higher in his wrestling days. I'll have to check.

Out of all the professional wrestlers who've ever tried their hand at acting, Dwayne is the most talented. Hulk Hogan was embarrassing. John Cena tries his best, but he just doesn't have what it takes. Can you recognise another WWE wrestler who appears in "Hobbs & Shaw" as a non-speaking extra? Will Roman Reigns take the plunge into real acting? He's 37, whereas Dwayne Johnson was 29 when he made his first film, "The Mummy Returns", followed by his first lead role in "The Scorpion King" a year later. I have "The Scorpion King" on DVD, but I haven't watched it since I started my blog in September 2010. I don't think I liked it very much, but after all this time I should give it another chance.

Maybe I should write a few words about the film itself. Dwayne Johnson plays the DSS agent Luke Hobbs, Jason Statham plays the ex-SAS fighter Deckard Shaw. Deckard was the main villain in "Fast & Furious 7" when he sought revenge for the near-death of his criminal brother, but he teamed up with Vin Diesel's gang as a hero in "Fast & Furious 8". I'm surprised that the two initially refuse to work together when they're assigned to the same case. Luke repeatedly says that he doesn't like Deckard, but I thought they'd already got over it in "Fast & Furious 8".

Their main antagonist is Brixton Lore, a genetically enhanced super-soldier played by Idris Elba. He calls himself the Black Superman. Okay, but I think the Samoan Superman is stronger.

There's actually another antagonist behind the scenes. Brixton works for a high-tech terrorist organisation called Eteon. The director of Eteon says that Luke and Deckard know him, but we only hear his voice and his identity is never revealed. A sequel was planned, but the latest news is that it won't be made, so we might never find out who this mysterious character is.

Success Rate:  + 1.8

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Hobbs & Shaw (5 Stars)

There are a few posters for "Hobbs & Shaw", but this one, which is also the preliminary DVD cover for the UK release, is the best. It says it all in one picture. Two men on different sides of the road, from different countries, with different styles. The film emphasises this from the beginning, including exaggerated bouts of insults and trash talking. They don't want to work together, but they don't have a choice. The fate of the human race lies in their hands.

An organisation called Eteon has created a virus that will kill almost everyone on Earth. Only the strong will survive, and I'm sure that Eteon has its own definition of "strong". A group of MI6 agents try to steal the virus, but they're wiped out by Brixton Lore, a cybernetically enhanced super-soldier. The only survivor of the MI6 team is Hattie Shaw, who injects the virus into herself to smuggle it out of the building. It will lie dormant within her for a few days, after which it will kill her and infect the whole Earth. Brixton frames her as a traitor who's killed her own men.

Hattie's brother, Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), is recruited by MI6 to find the virus, not knowing that Hattie is carrying it within herself. The CIA also sends Lukas Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) to find the virus.

The film's action scenes are so exaggerated that I almost laughed while watching them, but they overwhelmed me and kept me excited throughout the film. Whenever the action stopped it was replaced by humorous scenes. It's rare that a film has drawn me in on such a visceral level. This is a spin-off from the Fast & Furious film series, and it's just as exaggerated as the recent Fast & Furious films.

I've already used the word "exaggerated" three times, so I think that's the single word that I should use to describe "Hobbs & Shaw".

Exaggerated.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (4 Stars)

It's not often I sit in the cinema laughing out loud. I'm English, I'm reserved. But sometimes I can't help myself. This film fulfilled all my expectations. I expected it to be silly but funny. It was. It was also very intelligent.

This is a sequel to "Jumanji", which was made in 1995. I can see my readers cringing already. Delayed sequels suck. Usually it's a film that was complete in itself, but decades later something is tagged on to squeeze more dollars out of older nostalgic cinema goers. I don't doubt that that was the reasoning behind "Welcome to the Jungle". It could have been a disaster, but it was saved by a clever script and the brilliant cast. Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart are an incredible comedy duo who should never split up. Jack Black is a brilliant comedian, especially when his comedy is subdued. I only know Karen Gillan from "Doctor Who" and "Guardians of the Galaxy", so I was pleasantly surprised that she could handle a comedy role so well. I can't help feeling that she would be the perfect choice for Beverly Switzler in a new Howard the Duck film.

The film is about a cursed artefact called Jumanji. In the first film it appeared as a role-playing game. If I remember correctly, role-playing board games were still common in 1995, but their popularity was ebbing. Young people were more interested in game consoles. "Welcome to the Jungle" begins in 1996, and the game (or the demon behind it) realises it can't tempt people any more, so it transforms itself into a Nintendo game. It only found one player, and the game was left unplayed ever since.

Somehow the Nintendo console with the game still inserted found its way into the cellar of the nearby high school, where it remained gathering dust for the next 20 years. Nobody was interested, until four 16-year-olds in detention are sent into the cellar to clean out the rubbish. They're bored, so they're willing to try out even an ancient game console. Whoosh! They're sucked into the game itself, an adventure in which they have to return a magic jewel which was the eye of a giant jaguar statue. They're not allowed to leave the game until they succeed.

In the high school scenes the children are the dull stereotypes that we expect from American teen comedies: the football player, the nerd, the unattractive outsider girl and the beautiful but shallow in-girl. When they enter the game the film shows its strength. The in-game characters, the avatars, are the opposite of their real world personas, in both appearance and abilities. The kids have to struggle to deal with their new selves.

Anyone who's played computer games, especially computer adventure games, will recognise the intelligence of the screenplay. I've played many adventure games in my life, especially the Sierra adventure games before the days of the Internet, but also recent Internet games. Whether the progress is linear or non-linear, one thing has to be done before others are possible. The players can't just walk directly to the jaguar, they have to take a roundabout route to find articles they need for their journey. On the way they have to solve puzzles. The Non Player Characters keep on repeating the same questions until the correct answer is given. This is hilarious.

But I repeat once more: the film wouldn't have succeeded without the actors. The chemistry between Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart can carry any film.

When the first photos of the film were released there were complaints about Karen Gillan's costume being unpractical, outdated and sexist. Some people just don't get it. That's the point. In the real world women wouldn't wear a costume like that in the jungle because they would be mosquito bait, but it isn't the real world, it's a computer game. It's a retro computer game from the 1990's. What did games from the 1990's deliver? Sexy looking female characters to attract teenage male audiences. Covering Karen up would have been out of character and spoilt the film.

Central Intelligence (3½ Stars)

Dwayne Johnson, better known as The Rock, is one of the biggest action stars in Hollywood today. After a short but successful wrestling career he made the step into acting in 2001 to play the Scorpion King in "The Mummy Returns". After that he played the title role in "The Scorpion King" in 2003. Although this film was a big box office success, I found it dull, and The Rock's acting seemed wooden to me. (I can't help calling him The Rock). That's one of the main reasons I criticised him in my review of "The Mummy Returns" three years ago. At the moment I don't know how to judge him. He put on a poor performance in "Hercules", but his acting in "Fast & Furious 7" was impressive, and in last year's blockbuster "San Andreas" he was nothing less than amazing.

Now he's turned his hand to comedy. He plays Bob Stone, a boy who was bullied in school because he was fat. The only boy who stood up for him was Calvin Joyner, the school's most successful student, and the one voted most likely to succeed, But votes in school don't mean much. 20 years later Calvin has a boring job as an accountant. Bob has made something of his life. He has worked out every day, shedding his fat and building up muscle. He's joined the CIA, but he's been given the blame for the death of his partner and his bosses think he's gone rogue. Bob has nowhere to go to, so he turns to Calvin, who he hasn't seen since graduation day.

This is where it gets very uncomfortable. Bob acts like a stalker. In fact, he is a stalker, because he knows all about Calvin's life. As a CIA agent he has access to secret knowledge. Calvin gets caught up in the battle between Bob and his former CIA bosses.

It's an outstanding comedy, despite the inherent creepiness of The Rock's character. He's a gentle giant, a tough fighter who is vulnerable inside. Kevin Hart, who plays Calvin Joyner, is a brilliantly funny comedian.

In 2003 The Rock announced his retirement from wrestling to dedicate himself to acting. He's returned to the ring occasionally for guest appearances, but he's no longer a full time wrestler. In 2003 he also added a quite spectacular tattoo to his body. Even as someone who doesn't like tattoos I have to appreciate it as a work of art. At the time the tattoo was criticised as a hindrance to his acting career. I can understand that. It's more difficult for actors with tattoos to find work. Why did he do it?

It's part of his culture. He's mixed race, having a black Canadian father and a Samoan mother, but he feels most attached to his Samoan heritage. It's a custom for Samoans to have a tattoo that tells their life story. The tattoo was custom designed by the tattoo artist, based on the description The Rock gave of himself.

This photo shows the tattoo's template. The Rock is proud of it as part of his heritage. It's who he is, so questions of difficulty acting didn't come into his head. And if the tattoo really is unwelcome in a film there are make-up women who know how to hide it.