A Minecraft Movie (3 Stars)

I tried to like "A Minecraft Movie". I really did. The trailer made it look like the sort of gloriously silly film that I'd enjoy, especially with Jason Momoa and Jack Black in the leading roles. I expected the two of them to be equally wild, bouncing off one another and competing to see who could be the most outrageous. Unfortunately, that isn't what happens. Jack Black is as crazy as expected, but Jason Momoa is surprisingly restrained. He's amusing, but I kept waiting for him to really let himself go.

The other problem is the supporting cast. I admit that Henry is essential to the story, so I put up with him, even though I didn't find him particularly interesting. Dawn and Natalie could both have been omitted from the film, and it would have been better without them. Jennifer Coolidge, on the other hand, is terrific. She makes the most of every scene she's given, but unfortunately she isn't given enough of them. I would happily have traded Dawn and Natalie's screentime for more Jennifer Coolidge.

There was a standing joke in "2 Broke Girls" that whenever Jennifer Coolidge walked into the diner the unseen audience burst into applause, as if she were the real star of the show. I would have been applauding with them.

Visually, the film does what it needs to do, bringing the blocky Minecraft world to life without attempting to make it look realistic. There's plenty of colour and plenty happening on screen, and Jack Black throws himself into the madness with such enthusiasm that it's difficult not to smile whenever he's around. The ingredients for a very funny film are all there. They just don't come together as well as they should.

Maybe the trailer raised my expectations too high. I went into "A Minecraft Movie" expecting a wild comedy, and for a while I kept waiting for it to become the film that I'd been promised. Eventually I realised that it wasn't going to happen. I tried to like the film, but as it continued I couldn't help checking my watch. That's always a bad sign.

Success Rate:  + 4.4

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Borderlands (3 Stars)

I missed this film in the cinema. I was interested in seeing it, but I had personal commitments that kept me away. It happens.

It was obvious from the beginning that the film is trash. Doesn't the film poster that I've included above scream trash at you? But who cares? If it's a good story I can accept any amount of trash. Besides, it's directed by Eli Roth, whose films are always worth watching, trash or not.

The film follows a bounty hunter called Lilith (played by Cate Blanchett) who's sent to the planet Pandora to find the daughter of a wealthy businessman. This planet also contains the Vault of an extinct race. There are different opinions what the Vault contains, from powerful weapons to enormous gems, but everyone wants it. Lilith has no interest in the Vault until she hears of an ancient prophecy that one day a young girl will come who's destined to open the Vault. Tina, the businessman's daughter, is convinced that she's the girl.

The film is beautiful in its chaotic scenery. The characters all clash with one another. I personally found the tiny robot Claptrap annoying. I quite enjoyed the film, but I can't imagine myself wanting to watch it again.

Success Rate:  - 3.3

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I still know what you did last summer (5 Stars)

I'm back from holiday, so as promised I'm able to watch the sequel to "I know what you did last summer". Afterwards I took the time to read reviews of the film. The critics just don't get it. For instance:

"I Still Know borders on being worthy of nothing but the direct-to-video bin, but the film's box office return that put it in the black proved otherwise. Nevertheless, I Still Know is a terrible film, one devoid of brains, originality, and, most disappointingly, scares. A tame and by-the-book slasher picture with only a hint of gore, a generic story, and dull characters, I Still Know marks one of the very worst of the Teen Slasher genre that actually enjoyed a theatrical run".

As far as I'm concerned, it's a brilliant film that lives up to the original in every way. I've never spoken to anyone personally who hates the film, it's only the know-it-all critics who batter it. I'm issuing a challenge. If you're someone who loves the original but hates the sequel, leave a comment telling me what you don't like about it. Let's discuss the film, one on one. I doubt you'll be able to change my mind, but at least you can help me understand what's so bad about the film, in your eyes.

Success Rate:  + 1.5

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Super Mario Bros (4½ Stars)

What a beautiful princess! I wonder if she can fight like a girl.

But let's get to the film's main character, Mario himself. Mario and his brother Luigi are plumbers in Brooklyn, struggling to find work until there's a huge water main burst. They go to repair it and fall into pipes that lead to other worlds. Mario and Luigi are separated. Mario lands in the Mushroom Kingdom and meets the beautiful Princess Peach. Luigi lands in the Dark Lands and is imprisoned by the evil King Bowsa. Mario makes his way to the Dark Lands to rescue Luigi, but Bowsa is also travelling to the Mushroom Kingdom to meet Princess Peach. He wants to take her as his wife, with the emphasis on "take".

The action is chaotic, but it's a good film for what it is. It's a video game adaptation that manages to retain the look and feel of a video game. It was the second highest earning film in 2023, after "Barbie". Deservedly. It's a film that adults can enjoy as much as their children. My grandson Oliver's tastes are changing. He no longer likes children's films, but he still likes "Super Mario Bros".

Success Rate:  + 11.6

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Kung Fu Panda 4 (5 Stars)

If I'm gauging his reaction correctly, this is the best film that Oliver's seen so far. He didn't laugh much, even though the film is a comedy, but he was shaking with excitement. It's a fast paced martial arts film that's perfect for young children.

There's so much going on that I felt like I needed a scorecard to keep up. What I mean is that there are so many characters running around and fighting. The basic plot is simple. Po the panda has reached the level of Dragon Warrior, but Master Shifu tells him that it's time for him to advance. He has to give up fighting and become the spiritual leader of the Valley of Peace. He has to choose a successor, but the candidates are all so good that he can't decide. Before he makes a choice a village is destroyed by a new enemy, known only as the Chameleon. She's a shape shifter who's able to absorb the kung fu skills of anyone she fights. So Po has to fight as the dragon warrior for one last time.

I remember watching the first Kung Fu Panda film with my friend Pete in Birmingham. I don't remember exactly when it was, but it's not mentioned in my blog, so it must have been before I started writing in September 2010. Pete owned the film on video, and he was totally excited about it. Pete often invited me to his home for a meal, but we rarely watched films together, so it was a special occasion. (As far as I can remember, the only other films that we watched together were "Kill Bill Vol 2" and Peter Jackson's "King Kong").

I never watched the two sequels, so I need to catch up. For Oliver and for me. It seems like "Kung Fu Panda 4" is the final film in the series, so I'll wait for a four-film box set to be released.

Super Mario Bros (4½ Stars)

This is a film based on Nintendo's series of games about the lovable little Italian plumber Mario and his brother Luigi. Video game adaptations are always a risk. Fans of the games scream murder if their beloved games aren't accurately portrayed, while film critics complain if the films look too much like video games.

I know about the Super Mario games. After all, I haven't lived under a rock for the last 40 years. However, I'm not aware that I've ever played any of the games. All I know is that they're games in which he runs from left to right across the screen jumping over obstacles.

I was in two minds whether or not to write anything about the film's plot in this review. Is it really relevant? But here's a very short description:

Mario and Luigi fall into a pipe while making a repair in Brooklyn. They're separated in the fall. Mario falls into the peaceful Mushroom Kingdom, ruled by Princess Peach. Luigi falls into the Dark Lands, ruled by a despot called Bowser. Bowser wants to marry Peach, but she's always refused. He's jealous of Mario, because he can see that Peach prefers him, so he captures Luigi and threatens to kill him if Peach doesn't agree to the wedding.

Mario leads the battle against Bowser. A lot of it involves running and jumping and driving in small go-carts. And that's really all the film is about. It's an on-screen video game with a minimum of talking or character development. The cinema was packed, and the kids loved it. There was laughter throughout the film. I say kids, but it was noticeable that there were a lot of older teenagers in the room. The video game franchise has a cult following that attracted a lot of older children.

There were two boys sitting behind me, probably aged about 10. They were loud enough for me to hear them. They kept making comments whenever a character or an object appeared in the film that they recognised. "Look! It's the <fill-in-the-blank>!" To get the most out of the film you probably have to know the games, but I still enjoyed it as an outsider.

The cinema made a big event out of the film. In the passageway behind the film a Super Mario area was set up for small children. They could ride on go-carts or miniature bikes and do tasks as they passed. They had to shoot at enemies or enter a cave to find treasure. Most of the parents were impatient and dragged their children away after one ride. I didn't mind staying longer, and Oliver kept on riding until the friendly ladies finally said they wanted to go home.

It was a great film for the kids, and a great event afterwards. My thanks to the wonderful lady who was overseeing the event. When I first arrived there was a long queue of children waiting to participate. She had a lot of work on her hands. This photo was taken later, when only Oliver and one other girl were still riding.

I was surprised to see that "Super Mario Bros" had an after-credits scene. I already knew it was coming, thanks to the wonderful web site aftercredits.com, but very few people in the audience waited until the end. I didn't understand the scene when I saw it, but when I got home I read that it was a hint about an upcoming film. What's the point of after-credits scenes that almost nobody watches? The mothers in the audience wanted to pull their impatient kids out of the cinema as quickly as possible.

I still know what you did last summer (5 Stars)

Sometimes I despair of the critics. This film has a 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I haven't checked the rating for all the films in my top 100, but I believe that this is the lowest rating of any film in my list. I don't understand it. I consider it a brilliant film, and I'm willing to defend it to anyone who wants to sit with me and argue about it. The Rotten Tomatoes critics consensus is

"Boring, predictable, and bereft of thrills or chills, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is exactly the kind of rehash that gives horror sequels a bad name".

Ouch! If I were one of the revered critics whose reviews are used on the site, I would never associate myself with such a consensus. On the other hand, the score is 7%, not 0%, so it means that one critic in 14 gave the film a favourable review. It's not all bad.

But to go through that consensus point by point:

1) Boring? Not at all. Even after watching it many times over I still sit on the edge of my seat.

2 ) Predictable? Maybe, but who cares? A film doesn't need plot twists to be good.

3) Bereft of thrills? Come on, the film is thrilling from beginning to end.

4) Bereft of chills? Nonsense! The film becomes increasingly scary towards the end.

5) A rehash? No. Sequels have to walk a narrow line between repeating the original story and adding new elements. It's possible to go too far in one direction or the other, but "I still know what you did last summer" keeps a good balance.

My only consolation is that the film was a box office success (success rate +1.5), though not as successful as the first film (success rate + 5.4).

When I lived in England I had good friends that I was able to discuss films with. We could share our views on a semi-intellectual level. I'm missing that since moving to Germany six years ago. I have friends here, but our discussions usually only go as far as "I like it" or "I don't like it". I need to encourage more active discussions in meetings with the Stuttgart Cinema Club.

Success Rate:  + 1.5

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Cable Guy (4 Stars)

I haven't watched "Cable Guy" for about 20 years. I have no idea why not. I could still remember most of the details about it. That's the mark of a good film.

Steven Kovacs has recently split up with his girlfriend and has moved into his own apartment. A man comes to install his cable television. He introduces himself as Chip Douglas, but he changes his name several times in the film, so I'll just call him the Cable Guy. The Cable Guy offers Steven friendship, which Steven needs at this time. They meet a few times in the next few days, but Steven finds the Cable Guy too clingy. When Steven tries to break off the friendship, the Cable Guy turns against him and gets him thrown into jail. Don't mess with the Cable Guy!

The film has comical moments, mostly because of Jim Carrey's madcap humour, but it's difficult to laugh. The Cable Guy is very sinister. The comical way he acts in the film is due to his insecurity. In turn, his insecurity has turned him into a stalker.

The film has a message, but it's just added in between the cracks. People watch too much television. There are other things to do, like reading books or talking to your family. I don't watch television as such, but I watch a lot of films. Do I watch too many films? Probably. None of my friends watch as many films as me, although a few of my friends come close. I do read books, but it's a lesser activity. Maybe one book in two weeks, depending on its length. In the same time I watch 15 to 20 films. I talk to family members, but that's not something I can quantify. Some days it's a little, some days it's a lot. What other hobbies do I have? I listen to music. Lately I've been listening to the Stranglers a lot, as my regular readers must have noticed. I also listen to Klaus Schulze and Black Sabbath. I like listening to whole albums, not random tracks. That's the way music ought to be enjoyed.

But, getting back to "Cable Guy", it's a good film. It has an uneasy feeling to it, but that's deliberate. I've read that it's considered a cult film. I've never understood what makes a film qualify as a cult film. I just know that it's one of Jim Carrey's early films that a lot of people have forgotten. I haven't.

Charles Napier has a small role as a policeman. I always sigh when I see him in a film. I consider him to be the most underrated actor of the last 50 years. He should have been a big Hollywood star, but he was stuck in small roles up until his death in 2011. That's tragic. What a waste of such great talent!

Success Rate:  + 0.2

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I still know what you did last summer (5 Stars)

Dancer's Top Films #18

This film is a direct sequel to "I know what you did last summer", made a year earlier. In the first film four teenagers were involved in the murder of the fisherman Ben Willis. They made a pact that they would keep it secret as long as they lived. The only problem is that the murder didn't succeed. A year later, Ben Willis came back to take revenge on the four teenagers.

Two of them died. Now Ben Willis returns again to finish his work. By arranging a fake contest he tricks Julie James into taking a vacation on a small island in the Bahamas. Ray Bronson wants to go to the island with her, but Ben attempts to kill him before he can get there. Ray survives, but he's badly injured, so Julie travels to the island with three friends from college: Will, Tyrell and her roommate Karla. They arrive on the last day before the end of the season, so they're trapped on an almost uninhabited island. Instead of a luxury vacation, the hotel feels like a claustrophobic prison.

This is an example of a well designed sequel. It copies the premise of the first film, while transferring the action to a different location. The serious film critics have criticised the film for being predictable. I answer them by saying that it doesn't need to be unpredictable. We already know who the killer is. So what? That doesn't stop him being terrifying. Even though the critics didn't like the film, the fans enjoyed it, making it another box office success.

And I greatly enjoy it. It deserves its place in my top 20.

Success Rate:  + 1.5

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King Kong (5 Stars)

Dancer's Top Films #28

King Kong has appeared in at least 12 films over the last 90 years, either as the lead character or one of a group of monsters. In my opinion, there have only been three real King Kong films. These three all tell the same story, in different forms, of King Kong's discovery and his journey to America. All three films have the same name: "King Kong".

The first film was made in 1933, and is rightly considered to be a masterpiece.

The second film was made in 1976, following the original story, with a few significant changes. The story is told in the present day (i.e. 1976) instead of the 1930's, and the final battle takes place on top of the newly built World Trade Centre instead of the Empire State Building.

This is the third film, made in 2005, and it closely follows the 1933 version. It even takes place in 1933, with a great amount of care taken in portraying the Great Depression of the 1930's.

The film's strength is less in the action than in the emotional depth. Look at Kong's eyes as he stares lovingly at the actress Ann Darrow. Has computer animation ever been so emotional?

This is one of the most beautiful scenes ever filmed, full of artistic merit. Sunrise over Manhattan at the top of the Empire State Building.

But the peaceful serenity doesn't last. The enemies are coming.

Kong has to make his last stand, on top of the world's highest building.

The film's casting is superb. Nobody else but Naomi Watts could have played the beautiful actress Ann Darrow. Her large eyes and toothy smile perfectly portray her naive innocence.

Naomi's large eyes make her look like a 1930's film star. All that's missing is the black eye liner. Or would that have been pushing it too far?

Her face is repeatedly framed against beautiful scenery. The screenshots from this film could be used for a Naomi Watts pin up calendar.

Or maybe there should just be six photos of Naomi Watts in the calendar, and six photos of Kong in alternation. Beauty and the Beast.

Ann Darrow does her Titanic scene.

It's a much smaller boat, but the sorrow is just as intense.

Don't jump!

The film crew captures this moment.

The director Carl Denham is almost moved to tears.

Jack Black was picked to play Carl Denham because of his physical resemblance to Orson Welles. Never mind his looks, his acting is superb! Another perfect choice.

So is Adrien Brody as the brooding playwright Jack Driscoll. I'd go as far as to call this his signature role.

I wanted to watch the film in a single sitting, but I was interrupted by my ex-wife. There were loud shouts in my village, so she wanted to know if there had been a goal in the Euro 2020 Germany-France match. Yes, there had just been an own goal. We didn't know what television channel was broadcasting the match, but after a few trial-and-error attempts I found it for her. She asked me to watch the second half with her, which I did. It was an interesting game. Two very good teams, equally matched, but with no outstanding players. By that, I mean there were no players like Pele or Maradonna with magical flair that set them apart from the others. The final result, 1:0 for France, was fair. Either team could have won.

Then I rushed back to "King Kong" to watch the last half hour. I enjoyed it with a glass of LSD in my hand. If my readers don't know what that is, they should follow the link.

Success Rate:  + 0.7

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Mars Attacks (5 Stars)

Dancer's Top Films #31

I just sat staring at the screen for the last half hour, and I can't think of a thing to write. It happens. I've saved 26 screenshots from the film to be used in my review, but I shan't use them now. I'll save them for use the next time I watch the film.

Here's an even better idea: I challenge my readers to write a review for this film. Write as short or as long a review as you want, and send it to me in the comments box. I'll publish your review using a selection of my screenshots.

Today I'll just use this one screenshot with Pam Grier. Maybe this beautiful picture is enough to make up for my attack of writer's block.

Tomorrow I'm finally going to get my first Coronavirus injection. Maybe that's what's put me off writing. I'll see how I feel tomorrow evening.

Success Rate:  - 0.6

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Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (4 Stars)

It's not often I sit in the cinema laughing out loud. I'm English, I'm reserved. But sometimes I can't help myself. This film fulfilled all my expectations. I expected it to be silly but funny. It was. It was also very intelligent.

This is a sequel to "Jumanji", which was made in 1995. I can see my readers cringing already. Delayed sequels suck. Usually it's a film that was complete in itself, but decades later something is tagged on to squeeze more dollars out of older nostalgic cinema goers. I don't doubt that that was the reasoning behind "Welcome to the Jungle". It could have been a disaster, but it was saved by a clever script and the brilliant cast. Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart are an incredible comedy duo who should never split up. Jack Black is a brilliant comedian, especially when his comedy is subdued. I only know Karen Gillan from "Doctor Who" and "Guardians of the Galaxy", so I was pleasantly surprised that she could handle a comedy role so well. I can't help feeling that she would be the perfect choice for Beverly Switzler in a new Howard the Duck film.

The film is about a cursed artefact called Jumanji. In the first film it appeared as a role-playing game. If I remember correctly, role-playing board games were still common in 1995, but their popularity was ebbing. Young people were more interested in game consoles. "Welcome to the Jungle" begins in 1996, and the game (or the demon behind it) realises it can't tempt people any more, so it transforms itself into a Nintendo game. It only found one player, and the game was left unplayed ever since.

Somehow the Nintendo console with the game still inserted found its way into the cellar of the nearby high school, where it remained gathering dust for the next 20 years. Nobody was interested, until four 16-year-olds in detention are sent into the cellar to clean out the rubbish. They're bored, so they're willing to try out even an ancient game console. Whoosh! They're sucked into the game itself, an adventure in which they have to return a magic jewel which was the eye of a giant jaguar statue. They're not allowed to leave the game until they succeed.

In the high school scenes the children are the dull stereotypes that we expect from American teen comedies: the football player, the nerd, the unattractive outsider girl and the beautiful but shallow in-girl. When they enter the game the film shows its strength. The in-game characters, the avatars, are the opposite of their real world personas, in both appearance and abilities. The kids have to struggle to deal with their new selves.

Anyone who's played computer games, especially computer adventure games, will recognise the intelligence of the screenplay. I've played many adventure games in my life, especially the Sierra adventure games before the days of the Internet, but also recent Internet games. Whether the progress is linear or non-linear, one thing has to be done before others are possible. The players can't just walk directly to the jaguar, they have to take a roundabout route to find articles they need for their journey. On the way they have to solve puzzles. The Non Player Characters keep on repeating the same questions until the correct answer is given. This is hilarious.

But I repeat once more: the film wouldn't have succeeded without the actors. The chemistry between Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart can carry any film.

When the first photos of the film were released there were complaints about Karen Gillan's costume being unpractical, outdated and sexist. Some people just don't get it. That's the point. In the real world women wouldn't wear a costume like that in the jungle because they would be mosquito bait, but it isn't the real world, it's a computer game. It's a retro computer game from the 1990's. What did games from the 1990's deliver? Sexy looking female characters to attract teenage male audiences. Covering Karen up would have been out of character and spoilt the film.

I still know what you did last summer (5 Stars)

A 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes? You have to be kidding me! How did that happen? The film critics whose reviews are used for the aggregate on the RT site need to be fired, or at the least they have to be reeducated by spending a year talking to real film fans. The public got it right. It was a huge box office success, just like the original film.

According to Wikipedia, "I still know what you did last summer" has obtained a cult following. I still haven't been able to find a suitable definition of "cult" when referring to films. I really need to discuss the subject with my friends. I don't feel capable of creating a definition myself. I have an intuitive feeling of what's a cult film and what isn't, but I can't say why. Please leave a comment if you have a suggestion.

All I can say with certainty is that this is a fantastic film, one of the best horror films ever made.

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