Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 (4 Stars)

I finally got round to buying "Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3" on Blu-ray, after almost two years. I've been waiting for the price to drop, but it didn't, so I weakened and paid 9.99 Euros for it. Usually I don't like to pay more than eight Euros for a film. "Wakanda Forever" is even more expensive, currently 12.50 Euros. It wasn't even reduced in Amazon's Black Friday sale. I'll be patient.

I'll repeat what I wrote in my last review. It's a good science fiction film, but it's a poor Marvel adaptation. Whoever the five characters in the picture may be, they're not the same people that we know in the comics. Maybe Groot comes close, but not the others.

The portrayal of Warlock makes me sad. In the comics he was a noble warrior, the only person that Thanos feared, but he's just a clumsy idiot in the film. Mantis is even worse. In the comics she's deeply spiritual, despite having worked as a prostitute in Vietnam. In the films she's stupid. Not naively stupid, just stupid.

I have a suggestion. Let's reboot the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Let's start again from the beginning. New actors, and let's have stories that closely follow what was written in the comics, especially those written by Stan Lee and Roy Thomas. And let's get the costumes right. How many films did we need before Wolverine finally put on his yellow spandex? I just counted. It took him ten films. In "Deadpool & Wolverine" he finally looks right.

I need to give this film yet another chance. The critics call it one of the better Marvel films. Maybe they're right. I need to make an effort to forget the comics when I watch it next time.

Success Rate:  + 1.4

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Can't Hardly Wait (4 Stars)

This is the fifth film in my high school marathon. But only just. It takes place over a 24 hour period that begins with the school graduation. Most of the film takes place at a party on the evening of graduation day.

The film, first released in 1998, has been criticised for its lack of originality, but I don't understand why people say that. Name one other film that takes place in the 24 hours after high school graduation. Just one, and then I'll be quiet. Until then I'll persist in saying that it's a highly original film.

The film is full of high school stereotypes. If you're an American watching the film you will probably recognise yourself, whether you were a nerd, a Mean Girl or a high school jock. However, the film concentrates on six characters who are introduced with the photos from the high school year book. The first is Mike Dexter, the captain of the football team and every other school team.

Amanda Beckett is the most beautiful girl in the school. She was also Mike's girlfriend for the last four years. She was the prom queen, and I assume that Mike was the prom king, but there weren't enough lines in the year book to list all his activities. Mike dumped Amanda the day before graduation. The reason was that he's going to college, and college girls are hotter than high school girls. Mike might have a lot of muscle, but he doesn't have much brain power. Hasn't it occurred to him that Amanda has left school and will possibly become a hot college girl?

Preston Meyers is a boy who's spent the last four years dreaming about Amanda. That's me. I would have spent four years idolising the most beautiful girl in the class with a mixture of love and lust. I would have pinned all her photos on the wall next to my bed and stared at them every night before going to sleep. There would be sexy photos in skimpy bikinis that I'd secretly snapped, maybe even upskirt photos from her cheerleader practise. Preston has heard about Mike breaking up with Amanda, and he thinks he finally has a chance.

Denise Fleming isn't as social as the other kids at the party. She's Preston's best friend, and he's persuaded her to go to the party to support him when he makes his move to get Amanda. She's not shy, but she doesn't care about the superficial activities of high school life. I doubt she even went to the prom.

William Lichter is the class nerd who's been bullied by Mike all through school. He sees the party as his last chance to take revenge. Together with two of his friends, he wants to chloroform Mike, strip him naked and take compromising photos of him with another boy.

Kenny Fisher is a horny young teenager who hides his insecurities behind an extroverted lifestyle. He's a still a virgin, but he doesn't admit it. He sees the party as a last chance to sleep with a high school girl. He's made a list of ten girls that he intends to chat up. One of them must say Yes, he thinks to himself. Interestingly, neither Amanda nor Denise is on his list. Amanda is way out of his league, and Denise is too plain.

Amanda Beckett would have been out of my league as well. She was played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, one of the most beautiful actresses who's ever lived. She was 18 at the time, beautiful then and still beautiful today. She's a talented actress who's never achieved the fame she deserves. She's best known for "I know what you did last summer", made a year earlier in 1997. It's sad when an actor is best known for a film made at the beginning of his career, but "I know what you did last summer" is a genuine masterpiece, one of my favourite films.

"Can't Hardly Wait" is a relatively unknown film, but it has its fans. Maybe it isn't popular enough to be called a cult film, but it may still reach that status one day.

Success Rate:  + 0.6

Dear Dictator (3 Stars)

Tatiana Mills is a 15-year-old girl who lives with her unmarried mother in a sleepy little American town called Derbyville. Her mother used to be a rebel. She became pregnant when she was in high school. Now Tatiana is also a rebel, in her own way. She's a fan of 1980's punk rock. Okay, I think 1970's punk was better, but I'll let it pass.

Tatiana's life is messed up. She's dating a Jesus freak, who's always telling her that it's evil to have sex before marriage. Her mother is dating a married dentist. She's an outsider in school.

Tatiana's class is given an assignment. To show them that there's more to life than texting on their phones all day, they're encouraged to write letters to someone they consider a role model. Some of the kids get answers, others don't. One of the boys in her class writes to Mark Zuckerberg. Tatiana writes to General Anton Vincent, the Communist dictator of a small Caribbean island. Anton is touched by the letter and replies. The two become pen pals.

"Dear Anton. Thanks for the armband. I'm wearing it right now, even though my Mom hates it, but I hate my Mom, so that makes us even. Okay, to be honest, I'm not wearing it right now, because it fell off when I was running away from someone. Long story. I hope everything is going good with your country. From Tatiana".

"Dear Tatiana, I'm sorry you and your mother are feuding. I have a daughter who is a little older than you, and at times she does not like me either. Things in my country are difficult right now. There is a rebel faction that wants to overthrow the government and behead me and my family. It is stressful. It feels like there is no one I can trust".

"Oh, I can really relate about the trust thing. I just got dicked over by a teacher who's got a stick up his butt because I wrote to you. To give you an idea of the loserdom at my school, there's a group of girls who call themselves slushies. It stands for sluts and lushes. Sarvia is the one they all worship, which is a joke, if you ever saw her. She thinks whale tails look good, and somehow everyone agrees with her. Borderline retarded, right? Anyway, I'm sorry that people want to kill you and your family. That's messed up. By the way, what's your favourite colour?"

"Your letters have been a welcome respite from my struggles. In addition to making threats of invasion, the United States supports the rebel army and has placed an embargo around our borders. It is impossible for goods to come in or out. My people cannot get medical supplies, and many people are dying. My favourite colour is purple".

"I like purple too. Does the embargo mean that you can't download cool music? That blows. Maybe I can rip a CD for your daughter. Does she like classic 80's hardcore? Bands like the Meatmen, the Dead Kennedys, Gangrene, Dead Milkmen, the Butthole Surfers, Agent Orange? Oh, definitely the Circle Jerks".

"Thank you for your lively music. My daughter enjoyed it. The rebels have surrounded the capital".

"I know it sounds psycho, because we've never even met, but sometimes I feel like you're the only one who gets me".

"My correspondence will be less frequent".

"Big bummer! P.S. I drew you a picture".

The worst happens. With US help, the rebels overthrow the government, and General Anton Vincent has to flee. His only friend outside of his country is Tatiana, so he arrives at her house, and he hides in her basement. After a few days her mother discovers him. Her initial shock fades away when he starts to do repairs around the house. He's also an excellent cook. She starts to have romantic feelings for him.

While hiding in Tatiana's house, Anton pursues two goals. He tries to get enough weapons to win back his country by bidding for them on Ebay. He gives Tatiana advice about how to overthrow the Slushies and become the school's new Mean Girl.

What would you do if a Communist dictator arrived in your house?

First, tell him to disguise himself.

Losing the beard is a good idea.

Who do I prefer? Mother or daughter?

I've always liked Katie Holmes. She has a natural sexuality.

But I prefer Odeya Rush's attitude, in the film at least. I like a girl who stands out from the crowd. She's the sort of girl I would have dated at school. And the first thing I would have done is play her all my 1970's punk records to persuade her that they're better. 

Would I like to have a Communist dictator in my basement? Someone like Vladimir Putin? No way! I draw the line when it comes to mass-murdering war criminals.

I wouldn't turn away Kim Yo-Jong, the sister of North Korea's president Kim Jong-Un. She's welcome to stay with me as long as she wishes, as long as she doesn't bring her big brother.

The film's premise is so good that I had to buy it, even though it's received negative reviews. The acting by Michael Caine and Odeya Rush is outstanding, even if Michael Caine's accent is erratic. In his political speeches he imitates an Australian accent, but when he arrives in America he talks with his normal British accent. The biggest problem with the films is the annoying subplots, i.e. the boyfriends. The unfaithful dentist played by Seth Green is so annoying that I wanted to fast forward every time he appeared on the screen. The teenage Jesus freak also annoyed me. The film would have been better without both of them. It should just have been about the schoolgirl and the dictator.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 (3 Stars)

This is the 32nd film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). It's a difficult film for me to rate. It depends on my criteria. As a sci-fi comedy it's a great film, worth five stars. As a Marvel adaptation it's awful. My three star rating is an average of the two extremes, but also a sign that I don't know how to rate it.

Adam Warlock is one of my favourite heroes in the comics, but what's happened to him? Roy Thomas portrayed him as the Messiah of Counter-Earth, but in the film he's a buffoon. And wasn't the High Evolutionary a good guy in the comics? He's been totally distorted in the film.

The members of the Guardians themselves are nothing like their incarnations in the comics, but I've already got used to it, so I won't comment on them here. The only character in the film who's true to the comics is Howard the Duck, but his appearance is so brief that it's hardly worth mentioning. Seth Green isn't even included in the credits.

The critics like the film, which I find curious. "The best Marvel movie in years"? That's only because the last few films have been so bad.

Just one small spoiler: At the end of the film Star-Lord (Peter Quill) leaves the Guardians of the Galaxy, but a few minutes later we read the words "The legendary Star-Lord will return". Does this mean he'll have a solo film?

As always, I'll return to the film when it's released on disc. It deserves another chance.

Can't Hardly Wait (4½ Stars)

I went to bed early last night after spending the day visiting a museum in Karlsruhe. One of the consequences of going to bed early is waking up early. At 2 am I was wide awake and couldn't sleep. My wonderful friend Crystal Berry, who I've known by different names over the years, decided to host a watch party on Facebook. If you don't know what that is, it's simple. She shows a film and her friends can watch it. We have a chat window open, so we can talk about the film while it's running.

She's done this a few times before, but I could never take part because I noticed the film too late. The film starts when Crystal says it does, so if I arrive late I miss the start, and for a serious film fan like me that's out of the question.

I last watched "Can't hardly wait" in 2011. I liked it and wanted to watch it again, but the DVD has sat on my shelf gathering dust ever since. It's a typical film for Crystal. She likes high school films. She likes to live in the past, and why not? They say that school is the happiest time of your life. Maybe it wasn't for me; I preferred my university years, but it's close enough. I was a nerdy outsider in school, but in university I was one of the in crowd. That's a story for another day.

I bought the DVD eight years ago because I'm a fan of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Not just a fan, I have a sort of crush on her. She's gorgeous, and she was especially beautiful in her teenage years. (She was 18 when she made this film). However, the film has so many other things in its favour. It offers a look into the microcosm of high school. School is over, and it's the last time everyone will be able to party together. We see all the types of young people that we know in high school, from the popular football jocks to the rock music freaks and the outsiders. If you watch the film, try to recognise yourself. I easily spotted myself in the crowd.

Maybe the main weakness of watch parties is in the premise itself. We were watching together, in a group, which involved talking to one another. Worse still, we were typing to one another, so we were constantly being distracted from the film. A film like this deserves my full attention, so I'll watch it again soon.

Look who I met in the museum. That look is enough to send chills down my spine.

I didn't realise until I started to write the post that the watch party took place on the 10th anniversary of my first meeting with Crystal. It was 2nd June 2009, not 3rd June, but because of the time difference it was the 2nd for her. I wanted to post an old photo of her from when we first met, but my photos are on a memory stick somewhere in a draw, and it would take too long to find them, so I grabbed one of her new photos from Facebook.

She's as beautiful as she was in 2009, maybe even more beautiful.

Success Rate:  + 0.6

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 (5 Stars)

I am Groot.

I am Groot.

I am Groot.

I am Groot.

I am Groot.

	I am Groot.
	I am Groot.
	I am Groot.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 (5 Stars)

"There are two types of beings in the universe: those who dance, and those who do not".

This is the 15th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, released in May 2017. It's a family drama of a different kind. Peter Quill, aka Star-Lord, has never met his biological father. This has been troubling him ever since he was abducted by Yondu's spaceship in 1988. Now he meets his father, and he finds out that his father is a planet. Only in Marvel films.....

Things don't run smoothly after he meets his Dad, who has the tell-tale name Ego. After initial mistrust Peter thinks they can live together forever, because Ego tells him he's inherited his immortality. Then Peter finds out that his Dad wants to destroy all life in the universe, apart from the two of them. Even his friends in the Guardians of the Galaxy will be snuffed out. That's not the sort of Dad I'd want to be with either.

You only have to look at his face to know he can't be trusted.

Ego takes on the form of David Hasselhoff to make Peter like him more. Is that really an improvement?

Does Ego look better as Kurt Russell? Yes, that's a friendly face that might win me over. Deceptively friendly.

But what about Stan Lee? In this film he appears in two different scenes, a 10-second scene in the middle of the film and a 17-second scene after the credits. Rather than being just another cameo it's a significant role. It ties together all of his MCU appearances. He's sitting on a rock in space talking to three Watchers. Do I really have to explain to you what Watchers are? They're one of the most highly advanced races in the universe, but they've sworn never to get involved in the affairs of lesser races. They just watch. They're scattered around the universe stationed at significant points of activity, although they leave their posts when something of importance is happening somewhere else. There's a Watcher who lives on the Moon called Uatu. He's a rebellious Watcher, because he loves the human race and repeatedly acts to protect humanity against attacks from alien races.

Stan Lee is sitting with the Watchers discussing things he's seen and done. We overhear him saying, "At that time I was a Federal Express Man", referring to his appearance in "Captain America: Civil War". That's interesting. Can we deduce from this that he's playing the same character in every film, someone who is gathering information for the Watchers? Let's not think about it too much, because there might be contradictions when we try to thread all his appearances together. It's just a humorous theory.

This film gets my vote for the best opening credits scene ever. While the names flash onto the screen, telling us who's in the film and who's worked on the film, Groot is dancing, oblivious to the fact that his team members in the Guardians of the Galaxy are fighting for their lives.

My recent reviews of the MCU films have been more like picture galleries than verbal descriptions, and I don't intend to change now. Here's a photo of Star-Lord, a character created by Steve Englehart in 1976. I was a big fan of Steve Englehart in the 1970's and owned most of the comics written by him, including Marvel Preview #4 featuring Star-Lord. Unfortunately my son Norman destroyed all my comics to make room in the cellar while I was in America. That was one of the most foolish things he's ever done. He could at least have sold them. My collection was worth at least $200,000 but probably closer to $500,000. My most valuable comic was a near mint copy of Giant-Size X-Men #1.

Star-Lord is played by the actor Chris Pratt, a real life gun nut. He says he owns 40 guns for home defence. Anyone who needs that many guns has serious problems.

This is Gamora, a character created by Jim Starlin in 1975. I also owned every comic he ever wrote for Marvel prior to 1997.

On the subject of guns, Gamora is the character in the film who carries the biggest gun. Size matters!

Don't you think that Gamora's gun looks like a severed male phallus?

Drax is a character created by Jim Starlin in 1973, but he's so unlike the comic book character that Jim wouldn't recognise him. The only thing that links him with the comics is his name.

Rocket was created by Bill Mantlo in 1973, but forgotten for more than 30 years before returning to comics in a slightly altered form.

Groot was created by Stan Lee in 1960 as a one-off character, but he was re-introduced in 2008 by Dan Abnett.

Those are all five members of the Guardians of the Galaxy, but I'll add one more photo.

Ayesha is loosely based on a character called Paragon, created by Len Wein in 1977. Very loosely. The Australian actress Elizabeth Debicki was picked for the role because a tall actress was needed, and she's 6'3". Wow! Does that make her the tallest actress in mainstream films?

Both Guardians of the Galaxy films are all about music. In the first film Peter Quill carried a Walkman with a mix tape given him by his mother. At the end of the film he finally opened a present given him by his mother, and it contained a second mix tape, the tape used in the second film. Neither of them are quite the mix tapes I would have made from the 1970's, but overall they're good mixes. I prefer the first mix tape.

Ego calls "Brandy" by Looking Glass the best pop song ever written. Tastes are different, I suppose. It's a song I heard when I was young and forgot until I watched the film. If it weren't for its prominence in the film I would have had no reason to ever think about it again. To me it's a cute song, pleasant background music with no lasting value. Here's the full text, which I'm quoting because of its relevance to the film.

---

Brandy by Looking Glass

There's a port on a western bay,
And it serves a hundred ships a day,
Lonely sailors pass the time away
And talk about their homes.

And there's a girl in this harbour town,
And she works laying whiskey down,
They say, "Brandy, fetch another round",
She serves them whiskey and wine.

The sailors say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl,
What a good wife you would be,
Yeah your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea".

Brandy wears a braided chain,
Made of finest silver from the North of Spain,
A locket that bears the name
Of a man that Brandy loved.

He came on a summer's day,
Bringing gifts from far away,
But he made it clear he couldn't stay,
No harbour was his home.

The sailor said, "Brandy, you're a fine girl,
What a good wife you would be,
But my life, my love and my lady is the sea".

Yeah, Brandy used to watch his eyes
When he told his sailor's story,
She could feel the ocean fall and rise
When she saw his raging glory,
But he had always told the truth,
Lord, he was an honest man,
And Brandy does her best to understand.

At night when the bars close down
Brandy walks through a silent town
And loves a man who's not around.
She still can hear him say,

She hears him say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl,
What a good wife you would be,
But my life, my love and my lady is the sea".

He said, "Brandy, you're a fine girl,
What a good wife you would be,
But my life, my love and my lady is the sea".

Success Rate:  + 2.3

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Guardians of the Galaxy (4 Stars)

This is the tenth film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, released in August 2014. It drifts even further away from the Marvel canon than the previous films. It continues and even exaggerates the MCU tradition of showing characters with the same names as comic book characters, but with different costumes, different appearances, different backgrounds and different powers. This is clearest in the case of Arthur Douglas, aka Drax the Destroyer. In the comics he was born on Earth, and Mentor (Thanos' father) gave him superpowers to challenge Thanos. In the comics he can fly through space faster than the speed of light and destroy a whole fleet of spaceships without breaking a sweat. In the film he's just a muscle-bound wrestler.

Stan Lee is re-invented in every film. Here we see him in a six-second cameo flirting with a young woman on the planet Xandar. He asks her, "Do you like cartoons?" That's a good pick-up line. I wonder if it would work for me. Unfortunately, Stan has forgotten the first rule of flirting: before you try to pick up a girl you have to take off your wedding ring.

The Guardians of the Galaxy are a bunch of misfits and outsiders who team up to defend the universe – not the galaxy – against a threat from the rogue Kree, Ronan the Accuser. In the comics Ronan was never rogue, he was a faithful Kree soldier, but I'll leave it for now. In this film there are so many deviations from the comics that I couldn't possibly name them all.

Star Lord is a man kidnapped from Earth 26 years ago. What he doesn't know is that his father isn't human. We find that out late at the end of the film.

Gamora is a beautiful but deadly assassin, the adopted daughter of Thanos.

Drax is a muscle-bound wrestler, nothing more, nothing less.

Rocket is a genetically modified raccoon who is a feared space outlaw.

Groot is a living tree who first appeared in a pre-canon science fiction story written by Stan Lee in 1960.

"Guardians of the Galaxy" is the first of the MCU films to contain a lot of comedy. With characters like these five it's difficult for the film to take itself too seriously.

This is the first clear view we have of Thanos. There has been a lot of argument in forums about who the most powerful character in the MCU is. It's difficult to give an answer, because the characters deviate so strongly from the comics. However, when Ronan defies Thanos by refusing to give him the Infinity Stone, his servant Korath warns him, "Thanos is the most powerful being in the universe". Is that the answer we're looking for?

Howard the Duck appears in the after credits scene, evidently enjoying his life of leisure in the Collector's storeroom. When's he going to get his own film?

Success Rate:  + 1.3

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