I'm Still Here (4 Stars)

In 2008 Joaquin Phoenix announced that he was retiring as an actor and would pursue a new career as a rapper. He hired a documentary crew to film him every day. A big screen version of the Osbournes. As we later found out, it was all a hoax. After 12 months he returned to acting. But what's remarkable is that almost nobody knew. His feeble attempts at rapping were ridiculed by the media, and he didn't care. He was even mocked by Ben Stiller at the 2009 Oscars.

What other actor would have done something like this? Only someone as insane as Joaquin Phoenix.

Here's the film's title song, which Joaquin performed live in Miami.

---

I'm still here,
I don’t scare,
I don't fear,
Don't even fear fucking fear.
I never cracked, never,
I don’t give, never,
I'll live forever, I'm the one that God chose.

I'm still real,
I won't kneel,
Unless it's God, my team know how I feel,
I never sold out, never, my good soul, never,
I'll live forever, I'm that one that God chose.

I heard the call, alarms sounding off,
Feeling guilty cause my night was spent fucking off,
History’s perverted me,
Words can never harm me,
Saying I’m the epitome of a motherfucking self-parody,
A charity being formed for this deformity,
Cause man can't conform for nobody.
I made it here despite the efforts of a few.
What can I say to a punk but "Fuck you"?
You might suggest I’m conscious at best,
A pretentious mess that can't get himself even dressed.
In response I don't get mad,
I shake you off,
Waving goodbye like I was last year's fad.
Trendsetting on you, I won’t be betting,
I let it go so long as you know I'm stormy weather,
And whether or not you're better or not,
Couldn't make a lick of difference from where I'm sitting at the top.

I'm still here
Through these years,
I don't scare
Don't even fear fucking fear.
I never cracked, never,
I don't give, never,
I'll throw it down,
You can bet on that, fella.

I'm still real,
I won't kneel,
Unless it's God, my team know how I feel.
I never sold out, never, my good soul, never,
I'll live forever, I'm that one that God chose,
Bitch!

Long-winded letters that I've written,
Once a snake has bitten I'll forgive but won't forget it,
Not taking revenge, I don't have the time to do to you
All the fucked up things, fantasies of ruining you.
Ain't got a crew, but I'll take on you,
Gotta wrap this shit up with you cause I'm so fucking bored.
Just this one thing I gotta say to let you know,
To get off my chest before this long rest,
I never betrayed you, I never did what you thought I did,
But still you came at me swinging, kid.
Nevertheless, I wish you the best, I pray you get to Heaven,
But more than likely you'll be burning with the Devil.

Here,
Through these years,
I don't scare,
Don't even fear fucking fear.
I never cracked, never,
I don't give, never,
I'll grow in value, you can bet on that.

I'm still real,
I won't kneel,
Unless it's God, my team know how I feel.
I never sold out, never, my good soul, never,
I'll live forever, I'm that one that God chose,
Bitch!

Django Unchained (5 Stars)

This is the latest selection from my top 100 film list that I decided to watch with my son Benjamin. It's currently in 40th place.

I don't have much to write about it today, apart from sharing some information I recently read.

There's a scene where Leonardo DiCaprio, playing the slave owner Calvin Candie, had to bang his hand on the table. He did this so vehemently that he broke a plate and cut his hand. This wasn't scripted, but it looked so good that the cameras continued to roll.

Is Samuel L. Jackson, the head slave Stephen, staring at Leonardo because of the unexpected blood on his hand?

Leonardo went on to smear his blood onto the face of Broomhilda, played by Kerry Washington. That's an amazing improvised scene. I'm surprised that Kerry even put up with it. Some actors are true professionals.

Success Rate:  + 2.3

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Robin Hood [2018] (3 Stars)

I'm not sure why I missed this film in the cinema. Maybe it wasn't shown in the original English version. My local cinema doesn't show every film in English, only the films it expects will be the most popular. "Robin Hood" was released late in Germany, two months after it appeared in the UK cinemas. It had already received poor reviews, which is probably why my cinema didn't expect it to be popular.

And now the Blu-ray is in the bargain bin. That's a shame for the film, but good for me. Marvel films never find their way into the bargain bin. I grabbed it as soon as I saw it, lying in the middle of obscure films I'd never heard of.

There have been a lot of films about "Robin Hood". Every story is different. Some tell his origin, while others show him as an already established character. The 2018 film is an origin story, but different from any film made before. It shows him as a crusader before returning home to become a thief.

This film is the darkest Robin Hood film I've ever seen. The body count is so high that not even Joe Bob Briggs could keep up. I also have to say that the use of bows and arrows looks more realistic than in previous films. An effort has been made to tell a different story. Nobody knows the exact truth about Robin Hood, so I can't criticise it. It just seems strange that John is an Arab that Robin rescued and brought back from the Crusades. My suspicion is that this was only done to feature a token non-white character in the film. But even so, Jamie Foxx plays an Arab? He looks too dark-skinned for the role.

It's also a strange twist that the Catholic cardinal is plotting with the Arabs in Jerusalem to overthrow the British king. I can't imagine anything like that happening in reality. But it's just a fantasy film, so I'll let it go.

The film ends in a way that suggests a sequel. A new sheriff is announced after the death of the previous Sheriff of Nottingham. After the film's box office failure, it's doubtful that a sequel will ever be made.

Success Rate:  - 1.2

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God is a Bullet (3 Stars)

This is the tenth film in the Stuttgart Fantasy Film Festival.

It's supposedly based on a true story, but I haven't been able to find out which true events form the basis for the story.

Bob Highwater is a God fearing police detective in a small American town not far from the American border. His daughter is snatched while waiting for her mother outside a store. After weeks of investigation there are still no clues. Then Case Hardin offers her assistance. She says that she knows who's taken Bob's daughter, because it happened to her as well. There's a Satanic cult which kidnaps young girls, then gets them hooked on heroin so they can be used as child prostitutes. Case used to be a cult member, but she was allowed to leave. No reason is named. Maybe she was too old. The cult is always on the move, but Case can contact them through her old contacts.

The film has a lot of action, and it's an interesting story, but it's an ugly story that's often disturbing. It's also too long. It runs for 156 minutes, and it should have been an hour shorter. Particularly annoying is that after Bob's daughter is found the story doesn't end quickly, it rambles on from one wrap-up to the next. There are too many little endings.

It's not a film that I want to watch again.

Spider-Man: No Way Home (5 Stars)

Today I watched the "More Fun Stuff" version of the film in the cinema. That's a silly name. Couldn't they just have called it the Extended Version? That would have been more dignified.

I'll refrain from writing about the film itself, even though I didn't say much about it in my past reviews. I'll just comment on the More Fun Stuff changes. The added scenes, a total of 13 minutes, are almost entirely at the beginning of the film, apart from a new after-credits scene. In my opinion, the new scenes don't improve the film at all. They're mostly interviews which just slow the film down. I'm not saying the scenes are bad, I'm just saying that it doesn't matter whether they're in the film or not. If there's a More Fun Stuff Blu-ray release, I'll only buy it if it's very cheap.

The original theatrical version had an after-credits scene that was effectively a trailer for "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness". The More Fun Stuff version has an after-credits scene with Betty Brant praising her fellow students on being accepted into college. It's a cute scene, but totally unnecessary.

Here are a few sketches used in the final credits. They're simple but beautiful. I wish I were a gifted artist. Or even an average artist. I can't draw at all. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a zero.

Success Rate:  + 8.4

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Spider-Man: No Way Home (5 Stars)

This is the 27th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). If you think that I must be smart to remember something like that, you're over-estimating me. I have a list of the films in a spreadsheet which I keep open while writing about MCU films. I also have little green stickers on the spines of my MCU Blu-ray discs, so I know what order they should be on my bookshelf.

Logically, "No Way Home" (I'll abbreviate the title) continues from the 26 previous MCU films, but it's unique in that it incorporates elements from non-MCU films. The film is all about the multiverse, so it re-introduces characters from previous versions of Spider-Man. In particular, we see the previous actors who played Spider-Man reprising their roles.

Three Spider-Men! Or should I say three Spider-Mans? What's the rule for the plural of proper names? Someone who's as fanatical about the English language as me ought to know the answer to that question. Please don't ask me when we meet in person, because I'd be sure to turn bright red.

Welcome back, Spider-Man #1, played by Tobey Maguire from 2002 to 2007. He's aged in the last 15 years. Haven't we all? I wish they'd used makeup to make him look younger.

Welcome back, Spider-Man #2, played by Andrew Garfield from 2012 to 2014. His career was cut short when "Amazing Spider-Man 3" was cancelled. I was never happy that Peter Parker's father was made an important character, but I wish the third part of the trilogy had been made to tie up the loose ends. The final scene of "Amazing Spider-Man 2" introduced the Rhino, possibly as a member of the Sinister Six, but the next film was never made.

Accompanying the Spider-Mans into the Marvel Cinematic Universe are Doctor Octopus, Green Goblin, Sandman, Electro and the Lizard. Strangely, the wrong version of Venom was drawn into the MCU. Eddie Brock from Earth-TRN688 arrived, not Eddie Brock from Earth-96283. I assume this was a blunder, because there's no logical reason for it.

The story is continued in the 28th MCU film, "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness", which I plan to watch later this week. The two films couldn't be more different. "No Way Home" is a serious film, whereas "Multiverse of Madness" is spoilt by too much humour. Still, I'm biased in favour of Sam Raimi, so I'll make an effort to enjoy "Multiverse of Madness" when I watch it again.

Happy Hogan uses a CPAP machine to get eight hours of undisturbed sleep.

This is Zendaya's third film as Peter Parker's girlfriend MJ. She looks more attractive in each film. Remind me to publish a photo gallery showing her development from film to film.

Tasty! I'd visit her café for a donut every day.

Peter Parker doesn't have a sweet tooth. He just orders a cup of coffee.

One question is left unanswered, in this film at least: are there just three Spider-Mans or many many more? Maybe there are many versions of Mike Hood aka Dancer in the multiverse. Some of them probably write better blogs than me. I should meet them to get a few pointers. Or maybe I'm a singularity who only exists in one universe. Until then, don't forget:

I am Dancer.

Success Rate:  + 7.5

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Spider-Man: No Way Home (5 Stars)

I finally got a chance to see the new Spider-Man film today. It's been sold out for the last two weeks, unlike "The Matrix Resurrections", which hasn't been so popular with cinema audiences.

I don't want to give away too much for a new film, so I'll restrict myself to what we see in the trailer. At the end of "Spider-Man: Far From Home" it was announced to the world that Peter Parker was Spider-Man. This has disrupted his life, so he visits Doctor Strange and asks him to cast a spell to make everyone forget who he is. The spell tampers with the multiverse, so we see various enemies from other versions of Spider-Man appear to challenge him.

To get technical: this film, along with the whole of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), takes place in a universe called Earth-199999.

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man films take place in Earth-96283.

The Amazing Spider-Man films take place in Earth-120703.

Don't blame me! I didn't invent these numbers!

On a less technical level, after the merging and alliances of various film studios, there was a push to reconcile the different versions of Spider-Man with one another. This idea scared me. It's a recipe for disaster. I was pleasantly surprised that the film turned out so well. It's chaotic. Anyone who walks in who hasn't watched dozens of Marvel films over the last 18 years won't have any idea what's going on. Nevertheless, "No Way Home" accurately captures the style and atmosphere of Marvel comics. The plot gets ridiculous as it progresses – no spoilers! – but it fits the story.

Maybe just one spoiler: Wong is now the Sorcerer Supreme? That's just silly!

Amazing Spider-Man 2 (3 Stars)

This is a film that should never have been made. The same is true of the previous film, "Amazing Spider-Man", but at least that was a better film. "Amazing Spider-Man 2" is just a mess. Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy was brilliant. He should have been allowed to make a fourth film with Tobey Maguire. I've been told that Raimi was fired because he refused to make "Spider-Man 4" in 3D. What??? Is that the only reason? I admit that I'm biased. I don't like watching any films in 3D. It's not that I'm against 3D in principle. My complaint is that the current 3D technology is just pseudo-3D. Once you get used to it, it looks artificial.

And so, without Sam Raimi, the Spider-Man franchise was rebooted. Uncle Ben died again. There was a new Peter Parker who looked nothing like the comic book character. Supposedly Andrew Garfield is a Spider-Man fan and he was excited about being picked for the role. He gets the Spider-Man banter right when he puts on his costume, but without his costume he fails miserably. Walking around with a skateboard? Please! Peter Parker was never that cool. If you want to know what Peter Parker was like, watch Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man". That's a film that got everything right. The rebooted Amazing Spider-Man films get almost everything wrong.

And what's with all the rubbish about Richard Parker bio-engineering the spider that would one day bite his son? That's just too silly for words.

The Amazing Spider-Man films should have been a trilogy. It was cancelled after this film, leaving loose ends dangling. The studios knew it was too bad to continue. I'd be happy to forget the Amazing Spider-Man films ever existed, but Andrew Garfield's Spider-Man is being revived in the next MCU Spider-Man film. That's embarrassing. Let's hope it isn't too bad.

Success Rate:  + 0.4

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Django Unchained (5 Stars)

Dancer's Top Films #35

I don't hesitate to call "Django Unchained" the best western ever made. When Quentin Tarantino made the film in 2012 he was deliberately breaking the rules that had been implicitly set for westerns for decades. The lead actor is black, which had only ever been done in the comedy "Blazing Saddles". Even more significantly, westerns have always ignored the subject of slavery. Slaves are never shown in westerns, even though slavery was common in the years before the Civil War. Tarantino doesn't just acknowledge slavery in this film, it's the main subject.

Django is a slave who's given his freedom by the bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz. He's a German who used to be a dentist. It's been five years since he last practised dentistry, but he still uses his wagon with a wobbly tooth on the top. It's difficult not to laugh.

Schultz's attitude to slavery isn't completely negative. Even though he says in an early scene that he's "no friend of slavery", he still purchases Django and keeps him as a slave until he's succeeded in killing the Brittle Brothers. After this he releases Django, and the two men become friends. He trains Django to become a bounty hunter, although it seems that not much training is necessary. Django is a natural when it comes to shooting people.

Schultz is naive when it comes to racism. He doesn't expect or understand the negative reaction to a black man riding a horse or walking around free.

Today is the fourth time I've watched the film, but I picked up a few small details that I didn't notice in the past. Django (Jamie Foxx) is enjoying a drink at the bar. He's joined by an Italian slaver called Amerigo Vessepi. He asks Django his name, then asks him if he knows how to spell it. Django tells Amerigo that the D is silent. Amerigo is played by Franco Nero, the actor who played the original Django in 1966.

After this Django is joined at the bar by Dr. Schultz, who's drinking a beer from a Bügelflasche, commonly called a flip-top bottle in English. This sort of beer bottle is common in Germany, but its use in the film is a blunder. The film takes place in 1858, but this type of bottle wasn't invented until 1875.

Bam! The sight of this young woman carrying an axe gave me such a shock that I had to pause the film. Could it possibly be Zoe Bell? I ran to my computer to check, and yes, it's her. I'm surprised that I never recognised her in the past.

She appears again in a later scene, where it's easier to recognise her. There's no special significance to her scenes. They're purely gratuitous. It's no secret that Quentin Tarantino is a fan of Zoe Bell, so he wanted to slip her into the film.

Quentin Tarantino plays a small role as an Australian miner. Is his accent any good? It sounds okay to me, but only an Australian can judge his accent. I welcome comments from my Australian readers.

Samuel L. Jackson plays a very untypical role. He's a slave, in theory, but he has a special position as the head of the household at the Candyland Plantation. He's a despicable character. He can be considered a traitor to his race. He unquestioningly accepts white superiority and looks down on the black slaves around him.

His boss is the head of the plantation, Calvin Candie, who's excellently portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio. He typifies everything that people praise about the Old South. He's elegant, well-spoken and a perfect gentleman; and yet he's a bigoted racist.

I admit that I've never liked Jamie Foxx as an actor. He's usually bland and emotionless, but in "Django Unchained" he's wonderful. Somehow Quentin Tarantino can coax the best out of actors.

One of the things I like about all of Tarantino's films is the pacing. His films move slowly, with long periods of conversation between the action. I don't know any other director who can make this type of film so successfully.

Success Rate:  + 2.3

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White House Down (4 Stars)

This is a first for me. It's the only time I've ever watched a film on the recommendation of Mark Kermode. As I've said a few times in the past, his opinions on films are diametrically opposed to mine. He's praised "White House Down" more than once, in comparison with both "Olympus has fallen" and "London has fallen". I've eyed the film for years, with positive and negative prejudices. I was prejudiced in the film's favour because it was made by a Stuttgart director, Roland Emmerich. I was prejudiced against the film because it stars Jamie Foxx. I finally picked up the film when I saw it in the bargain bin at Saturn for 2.99 Euros.

When I was watching it, I was immediately impressed by the big special effects. They're what you would expect after seeing Roland Emmerich's catastrophe movies. The film itself has a good plot. The head of the White House secret service has a plan to overthrow the president. It's actually more complicated than that, but I don't want to give away the plot developments that slowly unravel. First there's an explosion at the Capitol, as a diversion. Then armed men overrun the White House.

The film's hero is Channing Tatum as John Cale, a man who's turned down for a job in the White House security team. Jamie Foxx plays President James Sawyer, who is clearly modelled on Barak Obama, the president at the time.

That's where the problems start. There's too much politics. The film's background is that the president has plans for peace in the Middle East. That's something Obama promised, but never achieved. But then the casting is an even bigger problem. I've never considered Jamie Foxx to be a particularly good actor. I've been disappointed with him in every film he made, except for "Django Unchained" and "Amazing Spider-Man 2". Somehow there's nothing exciting about his performances. The same applies to Channing Tatum. He's just dull, even when he's supposed to be playing an action hero. Together, they aren't enough to carry a film.

Nevertheless, the film deserves 4 Stars for its action alone. It's a good film, though not up to the quality of "Olympus has fallen". I don't understand why Mark Kermode prefers it, but then again, I've never understood his film ratings.

Success Rate:  - 0.6

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Dreamgirls (5 Stars)

I went to see this film in the cinema with my daughter Fiona, probably in early 2007. It's not a film I would have chosen to see, but Fiona was a big fan of Beyoncé and asked me to go with her. I was impressed with the film, especially with the singing of Jennifer Hudson. Even my daughter had to admit that she outshone Beyoncé.

Immediately after the film I bought the soundtrack album as a gift for Fiona. After listening to it at home probably once, I put it in my car's CD player, and I wasn't allowed to take it out. Whether Fiona was in the car with me or not, it was always playing, so I listened to it for months.

At some point, not too long afterwards, I bought the film on DVD. I watched it with Fiona, but only once. She's not someone who likes to watch films repeatedly the way I do. Incidentally, at that time, 2007 to 2012, I was very close to Fiona. Whenever we watched films together she used to sit with her head on my shoulder. She was a real Daddy's girl, and I loved it. Then it suddenly stopped. I don't think there was a reason. She probably just woke up one morning and said to herself, "Hey, I'm 25 years old, why am I still cuddling with my Dad every day?" I miss this closeness. It's never returned since.

The film is about a fictional girl group in Detroit in the mid 1960's, the Dreams. Effi White (Jennifer Hudson, on the right) is the most talented singer in the group, but Deena Jones (Beyoncé, in the middle) is made the lead singer because their manager considers her to be more attractive. The passing of time isn't explicitly made clear in the film, but at the end of the film we're told that Effi's daughter is nine years old, so there must be 11 or 12 years from the beginning to the end of the film.

It's only possible to understand the film if you know that it's based on true events. Deena Jones is based on Diana Ross, the Dreams are the Supremes, and the whole film is about the rise and fall of the Tamla Motown record label. The names have been changed to allow more freedom in the script, i.e. fictional events can be added for dramatic effect without annoying the real life characters who are still alive today. Even so, apologies had to be made to some people who felt they were poorly represented in the film.

Jamie Foxx plays Curtis Taylor, the manager of Deena Jones and the Dreams. Initially he's Effi's lover, but later he marries Deena. Does he love Deena? Maybe he does, but it's made apparent that for him business always comes first. He manipulates his wife, planning her career around what makes the most money, not what she wants to do. He forces her to make a film about Cleopatra, even though she has no interest in acting. That's a shame. She would have been a beautiful Cleopatra.

Although, between you and me, I think Effi White would have been an even more beautiful Cleopatra. She's closer to my ideal of the perfect woman, even if Curtis thinks she's too plump to be the lead singer.

The film is about the music. The acting is good, but more importantly, the singing is excellent. Jennifer Hudson is an astounding singer. Her songs bring tears to my eyes, which is something Beyoncé could never do. She's one of the best singers that I know. As my regular readers know, I'm a fan of rock music, but I can appreciate the emotional depth of Jennifer's voice. It's her performance that carries the film. And she's pretty as well.

Success Rate:  - 0.1

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Baby Driver (5 Stars)

It would be accurate to say that "Baby Driver" is a film that divides people, critics and fans alike. Some people love it, some people hate it. I belong to the former group, which must be obvious if you looked at my rating before you started reading this post. It was a conscious choice to put ratings into the post titles when I started writing my blog nine years ago. It was a good decision, and I've seen no reason to change it since.

The film's main character is Baby. He claims it's his real name, but nobody believes him. It fits him. He's obviously an adult, but he looks and acts very young. He was involved in a car accident when he was a child. His parents died, and he suffered damage to one of his eardrums, meaning that he has a perpetual buzzing for the rest of his life. The only way to deal with the problem is for him to listen to loud music that drowns out the buzzing. He's never without his Ipod. I should say his Ipods. He always has replacements with him, because no one Ipod is big enough to hold all the songs he wants to listen to.

Apart from music, Baby's passion is fast cars. This is also his downfall. He steals the Mercedes of a gang boss and dumps the contents, not realising that it was the money from a robbery. The boss, known only as Doc, captures Baby, but he doesn't kill him because he recognises his talents. He says that he can pay off his debt by being the getaway driver for his future robberies.

There's constant tension between Baby and the robbers working for Doc. They're put off by his youth and his eccentricity. They don't believe he's capable of doing his job. Some of them are convinced when they see his driving skills, but others still don't trust him.

What makes "Baby Driver" an outstanding film is its music. Rather than the music being the film's background, the film is choreographed to fit the music. The gunshots are in time with the beats of Baby's songs on his Ipod. At first this seems comical, but as the film progresses it becomes natural. The director Edgar Wright is best known as the maker of comedy films, but this is a dramatic masterpiece.

Success Rate:  + 4.7

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Amazing Spider-Man 2 (3 Stars)

This is the sequel to "Amazing Spider-Man", the second part of a trilogy that was never completed. It's just as well. I could grudgingly accept that the first film had some quality, but the second film is a mess. The blackwashing of Electro is one of the smallest problems. What's more disturbing is the increase in the Richard Parker sub-plot and the hasty addition of the Green Goblin.

To deal with the second point first: after two hours showing the conflict between Spider-Man and Electro, the Green Goblin flies onto the screen. It's at the 1 hour 57 minute mark, to be precise. He isn't even announced as the Green Goblin. Anyone who hasn't read the comics or seen the Sam Raimi films would have no idea who he is. This is bad scriptwriting and even worse directing. The director is mostly to blame, because there are several deleted scenes involving the Green Goblin that were removed at the last moment to make the film shorter. Marc Webb needs to go back to film school.

Instead of shortening the film, it should have been made longer. The Green Goblin is defeated after a four minute fight. As one of Spider-Man's deadliest enemies he deserved at least 30 minutes.

Now to Peter Parker's father Richard. The film opens with a lengthy scene of his plane being sabotaged and crashing. During the film we see various video recordings that he made. Peter Parker spends the film doing research into his father's disappearance, when he isn't busy fighting Black Electro.

Today I discovered an alternative ending on the Blu-ray that I missed when I bought it three years ago. The film should have ended with Richard Parker approaching his son at Gwen Stacy's grave and apologising for his disappearance. According to Marc Webb, this scene was removed because test audiences unanimously complained about it. I'm not surprised. I would have thrown something heavy at the screen. What a disgusting way to ruin the film! Richard Parker even speaks the words "With great power comes great responsibility", the words that have forever been associated with Ben Parker.

The ending was rightly cut out, but it tells us that we could expect Peter Parker's father to return in the third film. I'm glad it was never made. Let's forget the silly Richard Parker story-line once and for all. Let's also forget "Amazing Spider-Man 2". It's an embarrassment.

We shouldn't forget Stan Lee's cameo. He appears as a guest at Peter Parker's graduation ceremony for five seconds. Those are the best five seconds of the film. We can forget the rest.

Success Rate:  + 0.4

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