Grimsby (4½ Stars)

I didn't know what film to watch with my son Benjamin today. A friend of his suggested "The Spy and his Brother". I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Then he told me it starred Sacha Baron Cohen, and it clicked. That's the German title of the film "Grimsby". I don't like film titles being changed in other countries, but in this case I can understand it. To an English person, the word Grimsby immediately conjures up an ugly town in northern England. To a German it's just a weird word that would send him running to Google.

Yes, the film is about a spy and his brother. Sebastian (Mark Strong) is a talented spy who works for MI6. His brother Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen) is an uncouth layabout with eleven children. They meet after being separated for 28 years. Nobby wants to hold on to his brother, but Sebastian considers him an annoyance. The two brothers couldn't be more different, and the two actors play their roles to emphasise the differences. Sacha Baron Cohen is an eccentric comedian, as in every role he plays, whereas Mark Strong plays his role with deadly earnest, not even smiling.

And the film stars Rebel Wilson as Nobby's wife!

Watching it again today, I really wanted to give the film five stars. I couldn't. I was disgusted by the elephant sex scenes. I had a secluded upbringing. I never saw anything like that, and now I'm too old to get used to it. A typical male elephant has a 36 inch penis when erect. The very thought makes me shudder, without having to witness it close up.

Success Rate:  - 1.4

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Grimsby (4½ Stars)

Sadly, the scene shown above with Gabourey Sidibe and a herd of elephants was cut from the film. As far as I know, it was in the version that was shown to pre-release test audiences, but it was removed from the theatrical release, and even on the Blu-ray it's only included as one of the deleted scenes. I'd like to see it in the film, because it's a very emotional scene, but maybe that's the reason it was cut. The scene might not have been considered funny enough. Or maybe it was considered too offensive that Gabourey was yelling "I dream of Grimsby" while an elephant was taking a shit behind her.

Maybe this picture would look better as an animated GIF. That's a treat I can prepare for my readers the next time I watch "Grimsby".

Here's some elephant porn, in case any of my readers get off on things like that.

Today is the first time I've watched the film since seeing it in the cinema four years ago. I'd forgotten just how funny it is. I was sitting in my room laughing out loud. As I remember, in the cinema I felt disgusted by the scene where Mark Strong was being gang banged by elephants, but even that scene made me laugh today. And the answer is No, I'm not going to publish any pictures of it. You need to watch the scene for yourself. It's beyond good and evil.

The film's glamour is provided by Rebel Wilson. She's a woman with class. In an interview she said that Sacha Baron Cohen rang her personally to ask her to play his wife in the film. He said they would have to have sex first to see if they're compatible. That probably never happened, because Sacha's real life wife, Isla Fisher, also appears in the film. She has to watch him carefully when women like Rebel are involved. I'd be tempted as well.

"Back off, Isla, I'm gonna take your man!"

Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong are the perfect comedy double. Sacha is the funny man while Mark is the straight guy. I admit that Mark doesn't look so serious in this screenshot, but come on, it's football! Football fans can paint their faces and still remain serious!

There's a much publicised nude scene with Rebel Wilson – she runs naked across a football pitch – but don't get too excited. It's not her. A body double is used in the scene. So there's another woman with a body like Rebel Wilson? I want to meet her.

"Grimsby" unashamedly plagiarises other films, such as "Hardcore Henry" and "Kingsman", but that doesn't detract from the quality in the least. The action sequences serve as the perfect contrast to the comedy.

Here are a few more photos of Rebel Wilson to make my readers happy.

P. S. The last photo isn't Rebel Wilson.

When I see pictures like this I wish I'd become a film star. But then I remember that Sacha's wife is watching, so he has to remain calm and think about football. And if I were unlucky, I'd be gang banged by elephants as well. No, I'm glad I was never a film star.

Success Rate:  - 1.4

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The Counselor (2 Stars)

I feel so annoyed when I look at the title of this film in my blog. The systematic spelling mistakes made by Americans are an eyesore. Everyone knows that the correct spelling is "Counsellor".

I often remember watching films in the cinema, especially if I was in a special place or with a special person. This is one of the rare cases where I remember not seeing a film in the cinema. The Birmingham Film Group went to see the film, but I was unable to go. I had a cold or some other trivial illness. I said I would go watch it by myself a few days later. The next day I asked my friends, and they were unanimous in their opinion. "Don't go to see it, it's awful". That puzzled me, because it's a film directed by Ridley Scott, and his films aren't awful. He's made some outstanding masterpieces in his life. Nevertheless, I listened to my friends and didn't go. I know them. I know their tastes. There are some that I don't listen to, because I know they think differently to me, but there are others whose opinions I take seriously.

It's only today that I've returned to this film, whose name I refuse to write again. It's one of a few films that I've found on Netflix that star Bruno Ganz. As I found out when I watched it, it's only a small role, a single scene lasting less than 10 minutes, but I watched the film out of principle. I'll watch any film that he appears in. But let's describe the film itself.

The film is about an American attorney who wants to make extra money from a drug deal, buying cocaine in Mexico and selling it in Chicago. He already has contacts both sides of the border, presumably criminals that he's got to know through his job. He only wants to do one job, because it promises a profit of $20 million. His contact in Mexico says he'll get a taste for the easy money of the drug trade and will want to continue. His contact in America tells him it's a risky business and advises him not to do it unless he has a rock solid escape plan.

The deal goes badly. That's all I'll say.

My first impression of the film, based on the opening scene, was that it's a poorly written erotic thriller. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very sexual person and I enjoy watching films with sexual scenes, but the opening scene with Michael Fassbender and Penelope Cruz wasn't erotic, it was just silly. The poor dialogue was delivered without any passion. Instead of A-List actors, it looked like a shoddy high school project.

The film continued with less eroticism, just talking and drama, but that made things worse for me. It's a pattern I know well. If a film is dull and the director knows it's dull, he puts an erotic scene at the beginning to get the viewer interested.

From then on the film plods from one scene to another. In the hands of a better director it could have been a good film, but wait... shouldn't Ridley Scott be one of the better directors? If I hadn't seen his name on the credits I wouldn't have recognised it as one of his films. I would have guessed that it was made by Brian De Palma, but even for him it would have been a weak film

I would probably have watched the film eventually, even if it hadn't starred Bruno Ganz. I like Ridley Scott. I'm glad I've got it over with. There's no reason for me to ever watch it again.

Success Rate:  + 0.8

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Murder on the Orient Express (2017 version) (4 Stars)

Today I went to see the new version of "Murder on the Orient Express" in the cinema, as I announced yesterday when I reviewed the original version. The new version turned out pretty much as I expected. It looks superior to the original in its cinematography, while the story is almost the same. The new version is so similar that I have to ask what the point was in remaking the film. But I suppose that's a rhetorical question. It's all about money.

One of the few changes is that two characters in the original film have been combined into one. The Scottish soldier (Colonel Arbuthnot) and the Greek doctor (Dr. Constantine) have been merged into a Black American doctor, Dr. Arbuthnot. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.

The original is a pure mystery film. The new version adds a few elements of action. I can't name all the additions because that would mean giving away spoilers. One example is that in the original the train has to halt because the rails have been covered by snow in an avalanche. In the new version the train drives into the snow and the engine is derailed. There's a new chase scene when one of the suspects attempts to leave the train. Do today's audiences need more action to be able to sit through a film? I suppose they do.

One slight change that I regret in the new version is the lack of claustrophobia. In the original all the interviews by Hercule Poirot were held inside the train. In the new version he spends more time outside the train.

My summary is simple: the new film is quite good, but unnecessary from an artistic point of view.

Bandidas (4 Stars)

Two very different women are united in a common cause. It's Mexico in the 1850's. Maria's father is a poor farmer. Sara's father owns a bank in the town. Tyler, the representative of a large New York bank, travels to Mexico to form a partnership with the small Mexican bank. After the deal has been signed Tyler poisons Sara's father and becomes sole owner of the bank. He then goes to reclaim the land from farmers who are in debt, shooting them if they refuse to hand over their land. Among others, Maria's father is killed.

To gain revenge, Maria puts on a mask and goes to rob the bank. On the same day Sara also goes to rob the bank. After a short argument about who got there first the two women team up. The New York bank has a string of subsidiaries in Mexico, so they decide to rob them all. It's not easy to rob banks as amateurs, so they spend time training with a retired bank robber. That's a clever man. Usually bank robbers don't retire, they always want more and more money, so they don't stop till they're caught.

The Mexican authorities are baffled by the crime spree. They know that the bank robbers are women, but they have no clue who they are. The bank is frustrated by the incompetence of the local police, so they hire a top detective from New York.

Despite years of training Detective Quentin Cooke is no match for the Bandidas. What did you expect?

Poor Quentin. He's totally at their mercy, tied to the bed, scared stiff, with a gun in his face.

But as every little pussycat knows, what's the point in catching a mouse if you can't play with your food? When Maria admits that she's never kissed a man Sara shows her how it's done. That's enough to make Quentin's toes curl.

This is a tale of how the West was won. Or from America's point of view, how the West was lost. After a serious beginning the film is a gentle comedy romp. It's good family viewing.

Grimsby (4½ Stars)

This is just what I need when I go to the cinema: a side-splitting comedy. Last year I didn't list any comedies in my top 10 films of the year. "Grimsby" has a good chance of making it into my list for 2016. I only deducted half a star because some of the humour was too crude for me, but I might increase my rating the next time I see it.

The film is about Nobby Butcher, a football fan from Grimsby in the north of England. I know the name of the town, but I couldn't have said where it is, apart from knowing that it's somewhere up north. It's not the sort of town that people talk about. Looking at a map I've seen that it isn't as far north as I thought. It's south of Hull, in Lincolnshire.

When Nobby was a child he was separated from his younger brother Sebastian. It's now 28 years later. Nobby is living in a council house with his 11 children, but he's never given up hope of finding his brother. He spots him on television in London and goes to meet him. Unknown to him, Sebastian is now a top agent for a secret division of MI6. At a conference of the World Health Organisation Sebastian is seen with a gun after the president has been shot. This leads to him being treated as a criminal, even by his superiors who think he's gone rogue. Only Nobby stands by his brother and assists him in finding the real killer.

The two brothers Nobby and Sebastian are as unalike as possible. They're played by Sacha Baron Cohen, known for his comedy roles, and Mark Strong, usually typecast as an action hero. The action scenes are over the top and breathtaking. The comedy is hilarious, even when it gets crude. For instance, we see the two brothers being pounded by an elephant's penis. Nasty.

The film is a guilty pleasure. I suspect that most serious film critics are too ashamed to admit that they like it. Not me. I love the film, and I recommend it strongly to all my readers.

Zoolander 2 (4 Stars)

Normally I would groan when a sequel is made 15 years after the original film. It seems too much like an act of desperation to get people into the cinemas. However, I do have faith in Ben Stiller, especially as a director. He's someone who takes risks and gets things right. I even like "Cable Guy", which is generally considered to be his worst film. Apart from this, I read that Ben Stiller wanted to make "Zoolander 2" for years, but he didn't do it because he was waiting for a suitable script.

It seems that not many people have the same faith in Ben Stiller's judgement as me. Only four members of the Birmingham film group decided to see the film with me. Actually there were five, but one of them didn't turn up because he fell asleep on the sofa. Life is hard.

I don't think that "Zoolander 2" is quite up to the quality of the original, but it's still a very good film. When a sequel is made to a comedy film the temptation is to repeat the same jokes. See the second Austin Powers film for an example of this.This was only partially the case with "Zoolander 2". A few of the original jokes were repeated, enough to make me feel comfortable and accept it as a sequel, but most of the humour was new. Overall, the film went in a new direction. The first film was all about exposing the shallowness of the fashion industry. In the second film this subject is only mentioned in passing. Instead of this we have an epic battle between good and evil.

That's all I'll say about the plot. My recommendation to my readers is that if you enjoyed "Zoolander" you'll probably like "Zoolander 2" as well, even though it's a different film. If you didn't enjoy "Zoolander" this probably isn't a film for you, but give it a try anyway, you might like it. If you've never watched "Zoolander" I suggest that you watch it first. There are enough references to the first film to make "Zoolander 2" slightly confusing if you don't know the original.

All About My Mother [Guest Writer] (3 Stars)

All About My Mother is a 1999 Spanish film directed by (yes you've guessed it) Pedro Almodóvar.

The film is about Manuela (Cecilia Roth), a nurse for a Transplant Clinic in Madrid and a single parent to her 17 year old son, Esteban (Eloy Azorin). On Esteban's birthday he is killed by a car as he races to try and get a autograph from Huma Rojo (Marisa Paredes), an actress performing in A Street Car Named Desire, the play Esteban had seen for his birthday. Following the death of Esteban, Manuela returns to Barcelona, in search of Esteban's father, Lola, a transvestite, who Manuela has not seen since fleeing Barcelona after finding out about her pregnancy. Returning to Barcelona, Manuela reconnects with an old friend Agrado (Antonia San Juan), also a transvestite, and meets a nun, Rosa (Penélope Cruz). The production of A Street Car Named Desire, the same one Manuela and Esteban saw on the day he dies, also comes to Barcelona.

This film, I wanted to like it, it seemed to be an original and different script, and I admire that. I like variety and originality; but I don't know. It just lacked meaty substance, everything is all wrapped up lovely with no loose ends and it's all very...safe. I loved the character of Agrado and thought she was quite funny, but her alone couldn't save what was quite a slow film with very little character development throughout. It's worth a watch but you'll struggle to be bowled over by this one.

Volver [Guest Writer] (4 Stars)

This is my first venture into Spanish films. Being dyslexic I have always found it daunting to read a movie but lately I have tried watching German films to help me learn German. Not only is it a useful tool to help hear German more regularly; German cinema produces some very good films, so it is entertaining too! I have really enjoyed German cinema so I have begun to wonder what other good films I am missing out on simply because I have to read them. A friend very kindly lent me a box set of four Pedro Almodóvar's films. I decided my first film from the set should be Volver, a 2006 film staring Penélope Cruz.

Volver is based around Raimunda (Penélope Cruz), her daughter Paula (Yohana Cobo) and her sister Sole (Lola Dueñas). Raimunda is a hardworking, working class mother with a deadbeat husband. The sisters, who are still not over the death of their parents (who died several years earlier in a house fire) are shocked by the death of their Aunt. This recent death along with other events in Raimunda’s life triggers the materialisation of her mother’s spirit (Carmen Maura) to help comfort the sisters as they try to get on with their lives and overcome the difficult situations. 

I found the film a little difficult as I don’t speak Spanish at and the film is a little fast-paced to begin with. I was interested by the different cultural beliefs of the women in the film, especially by the buying and maintaining of your own gravestone before you die and the belief in spirits manifesting themselves to help you through crisis. I thought Pedro Almodóvar directed well and I loved the location of the film and thought the scenery was good. The storyline is quite original, which is refreshing (take note Jurassic World!) and the acting was fantastic. However I thought the script let the film down a little. Raimunda is a very strong woman, but given what she has been through she doesn't seem to quiver from a strong or happy disposition. It seems that in the writing of the script, the writer's thought they didn't have time to add a scene showing the situation overcoming Raimunda. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have a strong female lead - but it may be a little unrealistic to aspect someone to go through so much and not breakdown at least once. Another downside is the dialogue is a little fast paced and takes some time to get use to reading so quickly – but never the less a very good film that is well worth a watch!