Tusk (4 Stars)

Amazon Friday #33

Wallace Bryton has a successful podcast that he calls the Not-See Party. Don't say that out loud. He interviews weird and wonderful people for his listeners. He flies to Canada to interview a man who accidentally cut his leg off while he was dancing with a katana. When he arrives he finds out that the man has committed suicide. How selfish could he possibly be? He should have waited until after the interview. Wallace has had a wasted trip. Or maybe not. While urinating he sees a note on the wall from a man offering to tell unbelievable true stories from his life at sea.

It's worth a try, since Wallace is already in Canada. He drives to the home of  Howard Howe, an old man in a wheelchair. He tells Wallace about how a walrus rescued him after a shipwreck. Wallace falls asleep, because Howard has drugged his coffee. When he wakes up he finds that his legs have been amputated. After sleeping again, he finds that his body has been cut apart and stitched back together differently. Howard has transformed him into a walrus.

Is it a horror film or a comedy? That depends on the viewer. I couldn't help laughing. It's funny, as long as it happens to someone else and not me. It's a much better film than "Wakanda Forever", which I watched yesterday.

Success Rate:  - 1.6

Ed Wood (5 Stars)

True Stories #22

Name: Ed Wood

Lived: 10 October 1924 – 10 December 1978

Film dates: 1953 to 1957

Film made in 1994

Yesterday I watched "Mulholland Drive", a film about Hollywood. It's more than just a film that takes place in Hollywood. Today's film is the true story of Edward D. Wood Junior's prime years in which he made his most famous three films: "Glen or Glenda", "Bride of the Monster" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space". Those are three films I need to watch again soon, maybe early next month after finishing my true stories marathon. The reason why I mentioned "Mulholland Drive" is because "Ed Wood" also takes place in Hollywood, and the location is significant.

"This town, it chews you up, then spits you out".

Tragically, those words are spoken by Bela Lugosi, one of the best actors of the mid 20th Century. He was an icon. Even today, when you mention Dracula, Bela Lugosi's face is the one most people think of.

The film "Ed Wood" is just as much about Bela Lugosi as about Ed Wood himself. The two men meet in 1953, and we see Bela die in 1956 during the filming of "Plan 9 From Outer Space". The film was completed with a double who looked very little like him. The double was younger, taller and had no hair.

"Ed Wood" is directed by Tim Burton and filmed in glorious black and white. It's appropriate. I'd hate to see the film any other way. The film gives the impression that Ed misused Bela by talking him into a film without telling him what it was about. I'm curious to know whether that 's true or not. Ed's first film with Bela was "Glen or Glenda", a film about a transvestite who was struggling to find the courage to come out. All he told Bela was that it was a film about people having two sides, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

"Glen or Glenda" was a thinly disguised autobiography. Ed himself was a transvestite, a secret that he even withheld from the woman he lived with. I can understand his difficulties. Today people are enlightened, but in the 1950's it was an enormous scandal to be a transvestite.

Ed's girlfriend Dolores accepted his transvestism, but it still disturbed her. Eventually she walked out on him, accusing him of gathering misfits around himself who unquestioningly accepted whatever he did.

Was Ed Wood successful as a director? That depends on your definition of success. His films were rejected by critics and made hardly any money at the box office. In his later years (not shown in the film) he gave up making films and descended into alcoholism. He died in poverty. However, his films have gained cult status after his death. The first film I ever bought on videotape was "Plan 9 From Outer Space". It's a case of a man's success not coming until after his death.

Success Rate:  - 3.1

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

Ed Wood (5 Stars)

Dancer's Top Films #34

"They're driving me crazy. These Baptists are stupid, stupid, stupid!"

This film was made in 1994, but I didn't see it until at least 10 years later. I even remember a friend in Ludwigsburg telling me she was going to see it in the cinema with a few friends and asking me if I wanted to join her. I said No. It's possible that I didn't even know who Ed Wood was at that time. It's significant that the first film I ever bought on VHS tape was "Plan 9 from Outer Space".

As I've often said, I have a weakness for films based on true stories. I'm biased towards them, so I give them higher ratings than they deserve. In fact, maybe I should do a true story month later this year. That would be fun. Do I have 30 true stories on film? I'm not sure. I need to sit down and check.

Ed Wood was voted the worst director of all time, and "Plan 9 from Outer Space" was voted the worst film ever made. That puzzles me. I've seen five of his films, and they're all entertaining. It's true that they have poor quality special effects and ridiculous plots, but they're never boring. For me, a boring film is a bad film. Look at my alphabetical list of posts and you'll find a few films that I gave a one star rating. "Jupiter Ascending" is an awful film, despite the millions of dollars poured into it. "Plan 9 from Outer Space" cost $60,000 and it's a wonderful film.

Nevertheless, the worst director and worst film awards have been useful. They've given Ed Wood a notoriety that he would never otherwise have had. If a film is called the worst film ever made, people have to see it. This biopic would never have been made if Ed Wood had only been considered average.

The film deals with themes that are relevant today. Ed Wood was a transvestite. John "Bunny" Breckinridge (played by Bill Murray) was a transgender. All his life he wanted an operation to "become a woman", but he never had enough money.

Ed Wood, Bunny Breckinridge and the other actors who appear in "Plan 9 from Outer Space" are baptised. It wasn't until later that the Baptists discovered that Ed was a transvestite. What a terrible sin! They would never have baptised him if they'd known.

Martin Landau won an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Bela Lugosi. Bela wasn't baptised, because he was already dead.

Martin Landau's daughter Juliet also appears in the film as the actress Loretta King. She wasn't baptised either. Only the cast of "Plan 9 from Outer Space" was baptised. Loretta had no contact with Ed Wood after appearing in "Bride of the Monster".

Success Rate:  - 3.1

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

The Ninth Gate (5 Stars)

Dancer's Top Films #44

At the risk of repeating myself, this is a film that should be much higher in my list. I don't know what I was thinking when I put it in 44th place. I'll put things right later this year. I shan't do another countdown, but I'll put a top 100 list online that I'll constantly update.

This is Johnny Depp's best film. It's Roman Polanski's best film. It's a genuine film noir, a genre that is rare nowadays. It follows the first rule of film noir, that the protagonist should be present in every scene. Usually he's a detective, but even if he isn't the viewer follows him and sees everything that happens through his eyes. If there's a mystery, we find the answers at the same time as the protagonist.

Since the last time I watched the film (in 2019) I've read the book on which the film is based, "The Club Dumas" by Arturo Perez-Reverte. I thought it would help me understand some of the questions left unanswered in the film. I was wrong. The book tells a very complex story with different plots running side by side. The film's main plot, the investigation of "The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows", is a secondary sub-plot in the book itself. Roman Polanski's screenplay simplifies the story, making the film tighter and more enthralling.

I was confused by some of the characters being different in the book. In the film Boris Balkan is the bad guy, whereas he's not at all bad in the book. The book contains a character called Varo Borja, missing in the film, but the film's Boris Balkan does a lot of the things that Borja does in the book.

The only thing that the book clearly explains is the identity of the green-eyed woman who assists Dean Corso, the book detective. She's a fallen angel who followed Lucifer when he was cast out of Heaven, but now that she's walking the Earth she's become a free agent, serving neither God nor the Devil. That isn't stated or even hinted at in the film, but after being told her role everything she does in the film makes sense.

The film is all about books. Johnny Depp plays Dean Corso, a dishonest, unscrupulous book dealer. In the opening scenes he's shown to be a very unpleasant person. He'll do anything for money. In film noir it's common for the detective to be flawed, but Dean Corso is bad, through and through. It's only due to the masterful directing by Roman Polanski and the brilliant acting by Johnny Depp that we're able to sympathise with him on his journeys.

Boris Balkan has acquired a book called "The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows", a book written in 1666 that is supposedly able to summon the Devil in physical form. He thinks the book might be a fake, so he hires Corso to compare it with the only other copies known to exist, one in Portugal and the other in France. As he travels across Europe he's constantly being stalked by people willing to kill him to steal his copy of the book. The only person at his side is the mysterious green-eyed girl. Corso assumes that she works for Balkan, but she's actually doing everything for Corso's sake.

The film's femme fatale is Liana Telfer, played by Lena Olin. She's beautiful, she's deadly, and she loves books. Everyone in the film is obsessed with old books.

Liana seduces Dean, but it's not long before she's trying to kill him.

In my past reviews I've written more about the spiritual background of the film. If you're interested, please read this review.

Success Rate:  - 0.5

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

Sweeney Todd (4½ Stars)

If you'd asked me 10 years ago, I would have said that Johnny Depp was my favourite actor. He made some fantastic films in the 1990's and 2000's. I was irritated by his performance as Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates Of The Caribbean films. The films themselves were quite good, I just don't think that he's funny. He has a lot of talent without acting like a buffoon. He's better as a serious actor, or at least he used to be. In his recent serious roles he tends to shuffle around and mumble. There's no passion in his acting. Sweeney Todd was probably his last great role. He's dramatic and awe-inspiring in his madness.

I haven't read the 19th Century stories on which the film is based, but the musical as presented is full of pathos and tragedy. Benjamin Barker, who changes his name to Sweeney Todd to avoid detection, doesn't start out as a bad man. He's a loving husband and father who's mistreated by an evil judge who abuses his position. He sings a tail of woe:

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit,
And the vermin of the world inhabit it,
And its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit,
And it goes by the name of London.
At the top of the hole sit a privileged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo
Turning beauty into filth and greed. I too
Have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru,
But there's no place like London.

Maybe I wouldn't call London the worst place on Earth, but it's certainly a place of evil. Those who are rich trample on those who're poor, believing there's a natural order that gives them the right to do so.

The film's imagery backs up the evil character of London. People walk the streets in suits and top hats. They're the fine gentlemen. Benjamin's friend Anthony is a young sailor who dresses in scruffy clothing. Nobody thinks of him as a gentleman. That's something I recognised years ago. Being a gentleman isn't about being kind to others, it's about how you dress. If you dress well, you're seen as one of the elite. It's assumed that you know how to behave. A gentleman doesn't start a fight on the streets; he beats up poor people in the back yards and alleyways where nobody can see him.

Benjamin Barker himself isn't a gentleman. He's a tradesman, a barber. He returns to London after 15 years at sea, sentenced to banishment for a crime he didn't commit. He wants revenge on the judge who did him harm. Nobody can blame him for that. This wish for revenge is strengthened when he finds out that his daughter Johanna has been adopted by the judge. I still have sympathy with him.

The problem is that the hatred in his heart grows. It starts off with him believing that the judge deserves to die, but it progresses to the point when he looks out of his window at the gentlemen in the street and says that they all deserve to die. Maybe they do deserve to die, but what right does he have to judge them?

The real monster in the film is Mrs. Lovett, played by Helena Bonham Carter. Sweeney Todd's excuse for killing is revenge. Mrs. Lovett's excuse for killing is love. She loves Sweeney Todd and dreams of marrying him. She keeps him happy by supporting him in his quest for revenge. When his lust for killing grows out of hand she doesn't hold him back, she supports him, thinking that if she shares his passion for killing he'll love her too. She's the one who helps him dispose of the bodies. Mrs. Lovett doesn't kill a single person, but she's more than an accessory to the crime, she's a motivator.

The two are a perfect pair in their path of destruction. Are they insane? I'm always slow to call anyone mad, because insanity can be used as an excuse for evil. A lack of morality doesn't mean you're mad, it just means you're a bad person. I would call Sweeney Todd insane, driven mad by the pain of losing his wife and his daughter. He could have been cured if he'd had an understanding lover at his side. Mrs. Lovett isn't mad, she's just cold-hearted and evil. Whatever a court of law might say, she's the real criminal.

Success Rate:  + 1.1

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

This excellent film is only available on DVD in America and England. You can buy it on Blu-ray from Germany. I did.

From Hell (4 Stars)

Jack the Ripper is one of the most notorious serial killers who has ever lived. His name is still known after 130 years. Or at least, the name given to him by the newspapers of the 19th Century is known. He was never caught, so his real name has never been revealed. It's remarkable that he should have captured people's imagination, considering that he only killed five women, much fewer than others like Ted Bundy and Harold Shipman. Maybe the fact that he was never caught has added to his allure.

Jack the Ripper killed five prostitutes over a period of ten weeks. Then he stopped. Why? Maybe he died. Maybe he left the country. Maybe he was clever enough to stop before he was caught. There are many theories that have been made over the last 130 years. Every few years there's a new book claiming the murders have finally been solved, but the truth is that the murderer has been lost in the passage of time.

The film "From Hell" is based on a graphic novel by the writer Alan Moore. It represents a theory that fits the facts of the Jack the Ripper case, but no one, not even Moore himself, would claim it's the true story.

The film presents a gigantic conspiracy theory. Queen Victoria's grandson Prince Albert secretly married a prostitute and had a baby with her. The Queen wanted to avoid a scandal, so she asked her advisers to discreetly deal with the matter. It was passed on to the Freemasons, who assigned one of their members, the royal physician, the task of killing the prostitute and her closest friends. If he had kept to this task he would never have become famous, but he felt he had a divine duty to protect the honour of not just the Royal Family but the Freemasons themselves, so he carried out the murders in a ritualistic manner. Instead of merely killing the prostitutes he removed organs from their bodies and placed the five corpses at the points of a pentagon in the city.

Johnny Depp plays Inspector Abbeline, an honest policeman who's struggling with an opium addiction. He's determined to find the murderer, even though his superior officer, a Freemason, tries to hinder the investigations.

The story itself is fascinating, but the mystical subplot of Inspector Abbeline having opium-induced visions of the killer is irritating. This is something that wasn't part of the original graphic novel.

Success Rate:  + 0.1

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

The Ninth Gate (5 Stars)

Is this Johnny Depp's best film? I say it is, however many others may disagree with me. It was a box office failure, as you can see from its negative success rate. "The Ninth Gate" has been criticised for its slow pacing, but that's deliberate. What else do you expect from a supernatural thriller? The unexpected bursts of action remind of a snake in the grass, quietly waiting for its prey, suddenly striking, then returning to its position as if nothing has happened.

Johnny Depp plays Dean Corso, the meek, politely spoken book dealer. He may be polite on the outside, but he's unscrupulous. There's no limit to his greed. And yet he loves books. They're his passion. The world of book collecting might seem like a boring subject for a film, but Dean is searching for the truth about a book that people are willing to kill for.

The more often I watch the film, the more I'm impressed by Emmanuelle Seigner in her role as the girl who rides the beast. It's a subtle role. What I mean is, she comes and goes throughout the film, and even when she's on screen she fades into the background. She seems to be serving Dean Corso, protecting him from harm, but she's actually the one who is controlling all the events.

Is Dean Corso himself the beast? That's a matter for interpretation.

Success Rate:  - 0.5

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

Fantastic Beasts and where to find them (3 Stars)

I avoided this film when it was shown in the cinemas two years ago. My friends in England warned me against, telling me things like "It's not as good as Harry Potter". Today I spontaneously decided to watch it at last after it popped up as a Netflix recommendation.

I can see what my friends mean. What stood out in the Harry Potter films – I never read the books – was the complexity of the plot. So many interesting stories were interwoven into one another. In fact, I found the films too complex for younger children, but a friend of mine with a young daughter contradicted me. Her daughter was nine when the first film was released, and she sat on the edge of her seat throughout the film. Needless to say, she returned to watch all of the sequels.

I wonder if young children were just as enthralled by "Fantastic beasts and where to find them". If anything, I'd say that it's more suitable for children. More childish.

The film takes place in 1926. Newt Scamander is a young English wizard who travels to New York with a suitcase full of mystical animals. He's a conservationist. The possession of these animals has been outlawed in America because they're too uncontrollable. If they escape the possibility is too big that they'll be seen by non-magical people. It's a strict law everywhere that magicians should remain hidden from the normal population.

Newt's main reason for his visit to America is to release a large animal, a Thunderbird, into its natural habitat in Arizona. This is complicated when three of his animals escape from the suitcase in New York shortly after his arrival. It's a difficult time. There are rallies of an organisation called the Second Salemers, who preach the evil of witchcraft and want to kill all wizards and witches.

While in New York Newt is given board by two sisters, an ex-hunter of dark wizards and a mind-reader. Another important character is Jacob Kowalski, an aspiring baker who has no magical abilities.

The film was successful, with a success rate of +2.5, which is quite respectable, though not as high as the Harry Potter films, which scored between +4 and +8. Its success is probably due to the popularity of the Harry Potter films. The real test will be the success of the sequel, which is in the cinemas now.

Success Rate:  + 2.5

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

Ed Wood (5 Stars)

This is doubtlessly one of the best films ever made. It's the true story of Edward D. Wood Jr, who's considered by many to be the worst film director ever. I disagree with this opinion, but I'll let it stand. It's a bigger achievement to become the worst at something than to be average. Nobody would ever want to make a film about an average director, but if someone is the worst people want to know about him. Last week I went to see "The Disaster Artist", another film about a monumentally bad director, Tommy Wiseau. Comparing the two, they couldn't be more different.

Ed Wood was a poor man who made the best films he could with the limited resources he had available. The end result was far from perfect, but his directing skills shone through the low budget appearance.

Tommy Wiseau was a rich man who invested millions into making a film, but the result looks cheap and amateurish.

Imagine what Ed Wood could have done with Tommy Wiseau's money. He would have made masterpiece after masterpiece.

"Ed Wood" has a few amusing scenes, but it isn't intended to be a comedy. Any humour comes out of the ridiculous things that happened in his life. The whole cast of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" had to be baptised to get funding for the film. I think that anyone able to strike a deal like that is a genius.

How does the actress Lisa Marie compare with Vampira? Her waist is thicker and her hands are smaller, but she makes up for it by having longer fingernails. Would you let yourself be scratched by Lisa Marie? I would. I'd still be gasping with excitement when she steps back and the blood is trickling down my cheeks.

I'll be watching "Ed Wood" again when I present my top 50 favourite films. If I ever get round to it.

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

The Ninth Gate (5 Stars)

What's Roman Polanski's best film? Some would answer "Rosemary's Baby". Others would say "The Pianist". They're both excellent choices, but I disagree. I believe that "The Ninth Gate" stands out above all of his other films. It's a supernatural story, but it also has lots of action. It's a very well written film. From the opening scenes on it's emphasised that Dean Corso, played by Johnny Depp, is an unscrupulous bad guy, but we still feel sympathy for him and want him to succeed in his investigations.

Dean Corso carries out detective work, but he's a book detective. Has that ever been the subject of any other film? Boris Balkan, a millionaire book collector in New York, has recently acquired a copy of "The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows", an extremely rare 17th Century book. He suspects his book might be a forgery, so he hires Dean to compare it with the only other two copies known to exist. One copy is in Portugal, the other in France. It might seem like a simple job, but he finds that people are willing to kill him to get their hands on the book he's carrying with him.

This is one of my favourite ever films, in my top 20 at least. I can't praise it highly enough. I also think it's Johnny Depp's best performance.

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

Murder on the Orient Express (2017 version) (4 Stars)

Today I went to see the new version of "Murder on the Orient Express" in the cinema, as I announced yesterday when I reviewed the original version. The new version turned out pretty much as I expected. It looks superior to the original in its cinematography, while the story is almost the same. The new version is so similar that I have to ask what the point was in remaking the film. But I suppose that's a rhetorical question. It's all about money.

One of the few changes is that two characters in the original film have been combined into one. The Scottish soldier (Colonel Arbuthnot) and the Greek doctor (Dr. Constantine) have been merged into a Black American doctor, Dr. Arbuthnot. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.

The original is a pure mystery film. The new version adds a few elements of action. I can't name all the additions because that would mean giving away spoilers. One example is that in the original the train has to halt because the rails have been covered by snow in an avalanche. In the new version the train drives into the snow and the engine is derailed. There's a new chase scene when one of the suspects attempts to leave the train. Do today's audiences need more action to be able to sit through a film? I suppose they do.

One slight change that I regret in the new version is the lack of claustrophobia. In the original all the interviews by Hercule Poirot were held inside the train. In the new version he spends more time outside the train.

My summary is simple: the new film is quite good, but unnecessary from an artistic point of view.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead men tell no tales (3½ Stars)

In my opinion this film can be written off as an unnecessary sequel. The original Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, made from 2003 to 2007, was perfect in itself. It had a story to tell, there was a beginning, a middle and an end, and when you walked out of the cinema at the end of the third film you were satisfied that you knew it all. Only if you stayed to the very end, of course. It was the after-credits scene in "At World's End" that rounded off the story. Nowadays there are many films that have after-credits scenes, but the Pirates of the Caribbean films were the first to have after-credits scenes that were essential to the plot. For instance, the second film makes no sense if you haven't seen the after-credits scene of the first film.

"On stranger tides", the fourth film in the series, was touted as the first film in a new trilogy. Despite its big success at the box office it was beset with problems. The critics hated it. Its special effects made it the most expensive film ever made, a record which it still holds. The viewing public criticised the absence of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley.

"Dead men tell no tales" shares the same jumble of real world naval battles and supernatural elements that we know from the previous instalments. If anything, this film keeps the real world to a minimum and concentrates on the supernatural. The new character Carina Smyth is in the centre. She alone knows the secret of map that no man can read, a map that leads to the Trident of Poseidon. This is a legendary artefact that can allegedly break every curse on the sea, including the one that befell Will Turner in the third instalment.

The fifth film rounds off the story once more. We don't need a sixth film, but we'll get one anyway.

I need to watch the first three films again. Last week I finally unpacked all my DVDs, which had been in boxes since I moved to Germany ten months ago. Now I have no excuse not to watch and re-watch my favourite films.

Public Enemies (3½ Stars)

This is the 28th film starring Leelee Sobieski, made in 2009. Unfortunately she only has a small role and doesn't appear until the last 15 minutes. She plays Polly Hamilton, an escort girl accompanying John Dillinger at the time of his death.

The film is the true story of the bank robber John Dillinger in the last year of his life, 1933 to 1934. It's said that he was the most notorious bank robber in the Depression era. I confess to never having heard of him before I watched the film. He isn't part of my general knowledge, so whatever I write is based on what I saw in the film. I'll leave it to others to embellish my words and add remarks concerning the historical accuracy.

The film calls the early 1930's the golden age of bank robbing. I can understand it. It was an age of mass poverty. People were sleeping on the streets. The banks were considered the enemy, so gangs arose to take back the money they thought was rightfully theirs. John Dillinger had respect in the eyes of the public. He never robbed people in the banks, only the banks themselves. He never killed people while committing crimes. Maybe he wasn't as popular as Andreas Baader, who was admired by more than 25% of the German population, but he was still considered to be a hero by many suffering Americans.

Something that made it easier for criminals in the 1930's was that the laws on crime weren't as clear cut as they are today. A robber could escape punishment by crossing into another state where he was still innocent. It wasn't until 1934 that a law was passed that anyone who committed a crime in more than one state could be arrested in any of the 50 states. The FBI (called the Division of Investigation at the time) was still in its formative years, with limited resources, and its authority was repeatedly under question in court.

Eventually Dillinger was found and killed, due to the determined efforts of Special Agent Melvin Purvis. He carried out his mission calmly, without emotion, because he considered it the right thing to do.

The film has first rate performances by Johnny Depp as John Dillinger and Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis. Leelee Sobieski is wasted in her role. She's an insignificant background character and isn't able to display her full acting ability. She would have been better cast in the leading female role of Dillinger's girlfriend, Billie Frechette. That would have greatly improved the film.

	Order from Amazon.com
	Order from Amazon.co.uk
	Order from Amazon.de

Yoga Hosers (4 Stars)

Not many people know that in the 1930's there was a Canadian Nazi party with its headquarters in Winnipeg. They were poised to take over Canada when Germany won the war, but tragically Germany lost, so the party was disbanded. A German scientist resident in Winnipeg refused to accept defeat. He created a machine that would turn sausages into Nazi soldiers. He froze himself and his warriors to rise again 100 years after the end of World War Two, but due to a power failure they awake early in 2015. They intend to conquer first Canada, then the world. The sausage Nazis (called Bratzis) emerge from the underground lair into a convenience store that has been built on the location, Eh-2-Zed. Only the two 15-year-old girls who work the late shift, Colleen Collette and Colleen McKenzie, stand between the Bratzis and world domination.

I watched this film as part of the Fantasy Filmfest in Stuttgart. If you look that up in a dictionary it means "Fantasy Film Festival", but something has been lost in the translation. The festival is all about horror films, showing 53 horror films over a period of 11 days. Actually it's only 52 films, but Daniel Radcliffe's new film, "Imperium", will be shown twice. That's five films a day, except for the first day. The Germans sure do believe in overkill. Anyone who wants to see all the films needs to take two weeks off work. I can't imagine anything like this happening in Birmingham. The yearly Brindley Place open air film festival is one film on weekdays and two films at the weekend.

I have to say that the German audience was very well educated tonight. The film was in English, without German subtitles, but they seemed to understand everything, laughing at all the jokes. They were also a knowledgeable audience. When Stan Lee appeared on screen as a policeman the audience applauded. That's also something that cinema audiences don't do in England.

If you had asked me 15 years ago I would have said that Johnny Depp was my favourite actor. He played so many roles in the 1990's in which not only his acting but also his physical appearance were radically different from film to film. In the 2000's this changed. He's now either a long-haired comical character or a shy mumbling character. He doesn't seem able to play anything else. Not until now, at least. In "Yoga Hosers" he's very impressive in his role as the author and historian Guy Lapointe. Look at the photo above. He's barely recognisable. He needs to do more roles like this.

Of course, the film is driven by the two main characters, the two Colleens, played by Harley Quinn Smith (the daughter of the director Kevin Smith) and Lily-Rose Depp (the daughter of Johnny Depp). They perfectly portray two shallow Canadian girls, always on their phones, but willing to step up and save the world if necessary. The world needs more girls like the Colleens.

Sweeney Todd (4½ Stars)

This is my second film for today starring Alan Rickman. In it he proves that he isn't just an actor, he can sing as well. That's not something that can be taken for granted. Have you ever heard Pierce Brosnan try to sing, for instance in "Mamma Mia"? It's embarrassing. Then there's Alyson Hannigan. When a musical episode was written for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" parts had to be re-written because she wasn't able to perform all her songs. I don't understand this, because the few lines she does sing in the broadcast episode are adequate. She's not as bad as Pierce Brosnan, and nowhere near as bad as Richard Gere.

Of course, Alan Rickman's singing is over-shadowed by Johnny Depp, who is a magnificent singer. If he had never become an actor he could have embarked on a singing career. Another first class singer is Anthony Head. Those are the only two actors I can think of who are excellent singers. Most others are okay, but they're not good enough to give up their acting.

I enjoy this musical, especially because of the dark humour, but it doesn't live up to other musicals in my collection. I prefer "Tommy", "The Wall" and "Evita".

Alan Rickman plays an evil character in the film, Judge Turpin. I've heard it said that only the best actors can play bad men. That's certainly the case here. It takes an actor of Alan Rickman's stature to portray the nuances of the evil judge. We almost feel sympathy for him, because however bad he is all he wants is to be loved. Almost. We still cheer when Johnny Depp slashes his throat.

Black Mass (4 Stars)

This is the true story of the American gangster James Bulger. He's described as the most notorious American gangster of the 1970's, but I confess to never having heard of him. He was the head of the Winter Hill gang which ruled over the south half of Boston. The rest was controlled by an Italian crime family, the Angiulo Brothers. Despite some tension the two gangs work together.

An FBI agent called John Connolly is determined to wipe out the Mafia in Boston, so he enlists Bulger's aid as an informant in return for protecting him from arrest. At first Bulger considers this unethical -- honour among thieves -- but then he sees it as an opportunity to extend his territory and take over all of Boston. As time passes a close friendship develops between Bulger and Connolly.

After a series of disappointing roles Johnny Depp has finally succeeding in impressing me. The character of James Bulger is unpleasant, but Johnny Depp plays it to perfection. However, I think he is upstaged by Joel Edgerton, whose performance as John Connolly strongly reminds me of Harvey Keitel in his younger years. Benedict Cumberbatch is excellent, as always, as James Bulger's brother Billy, but his role in the film is relatively unimportant.

Into the Woods (3 Stars)

Right and wrong don't matter in the woods.

This is a weird film. It's a musical fairy tale mash-up swingers party. The central characters are a baker and his wife who have been cursed to remain childless. A witch promises to lift the curse if they give her four magical items: Cinderella's slipper, Rapunzel's hair, Red Riding Hood's cape, and the cow belonging to Jack, the boy in the story of "Jack and the Beanstalk" This brings them into contact with the characters from the four fairy tales, since their stories are all taking place concurrently in the woods.

A lot of the fairy tale action occurs off screen. For instance, we don't see Cinderella at the ball, we just see her leaving and being pursued by the prince. That's just as well. It would have added an extra 60 minutes to a film that already lasts two hours. All four fairy tales are resolved with their respective happy endings, but the story of the baker and the witch continues. Then the film takes a weird turn. The prince, already married to Cinderella at this point, meets the baker's wife in the woods and has an affair with her. We only see them kissing, but obviously more happens. As a result Cinderella leaves the prince and goes to live with the baker. It's all so unsettling to see the fairy tales that children love twisted into immorality. Welcome to the 21st Century!

Johnny Depp is the film's biggest actor, but only has a small role as the wolf. That's a shame, because he's the best singer in the musical. Only Meryl Streep (the witch) comes close. On the other hand, the "wolf" is such a creepy character. Rather than a murderous predator he seems to be a leering paedophile when he meets Red Riding Hood. It made me feel very uncomfortable.