Superscott on Planet Conicus

As a child I grew up eating porage for breakfast. My mother made it the English way. The porage oats were boiled in water until the water was fully absorbed, put into a bowl, and then a small amount of cold milk was added. Simple but delicious. My father made porage a different way. He mixed the milk with the porage in the saucepan, which gave the porage a creamier taste. I didn't like it. My mother's way was the best.

Scott's Porage Oats were my favourite. Quaker Oats were also good, but not my favourite. The difference in taste was very subtle, and only someone who ate porage every day could tell the difference.

When I moved to Germany I stopped eating porage. The German porage oats ("Haferflocken") are far inferior to the English/Scottish equivalent. In fact, they're so bad that I can't figure out what the Germans do wrong. On the rare occasions when I eat them, I prepare them the German way. The uncooked oats are put in a bowl and cold milk is stirred in. Optionally, fruit is added. For me the fruit is the only way to hide the bad taste.

I'm surprised to see that the British branches of Lidl sell German porage oats, from Lidl's own brand, Crownfield. The packet calls the product "Crownfield Scottish Porridge Oats", but that's false advertising. They're made in Germany. People are tricked into buying them by the name and the cheap price. On the other hand, anyone who can't tell the difference between Scottish and German oats deserves to get the worst.

When I was 15, a series of stories about a Scottish superhero, Superscott, were included in the packets of Scott's Porage Oats. I can remember the year precisely. It was my fourth year of grammar schools. My English teacher encouraged us to read books in our spare time, and we had to write what we'd read on a list. We couldn't just write books at random, because he'd read our list and ask us questions about the books. At the time I was a big fan of Somerset Maugham's novels. I read them all. My teacher found it amusing, because he thought they weren't typical reading for a teenage boy. He was probably right. I wasn't a typical teenage boy. I also read Rod McKuen's poems. I was a weird boy.

But the Superscott books were popular. They were only four pages long, so they were easy reading. They were passed from hand to hand, so the boys in my class could quickly add a new book to their lists. "Superscott on Planet Conicus" was on every boy's list.

Much to my surpise, I recently found photocopies of the Superscott books online. Here's the complete text.

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Superscott on Planet Conicus

Superscott's electric sporran hummed to life. He began to receive a faint distress signal from deep space. Losing no time, he rushed home to the green tower on the black hill. He grabbed his dirk, checked his porage supply, jumped on his space scooter and set off in the direction of the calls. 

Setting his scooter on warp speed, Superscott headed for Planet Conicus in Galaxy 6 in deep space. He'd never been there before. It was surprisingly like Earth; a green planet, but somehow different.

Conicus was different, partly because it was completely empty of people. Putting his sporran on scan, Superscott traced the distress calls to a huge lake. "Och! A loch!" he said.

And indeed, it was very like Loch Ness, except for the spaceport on the shore. Superscott went down to the shelter under the control tower. It was filled with Conicans, all terrified, except for one man. He came up to Superscott.

"I'm Rikyov. Thank you for coming to save us from the monsters".

"What monsters?" asked Superscott.

Looking through the telescope to the loch shore, Superscott suddenly smiled. "Och it's nothing but my old enemy, the Loch Ness Monster. Last time we met I hurled her and her evil children into deep space. I'm sorry they landed up here. I'll have to show her once and for all who's boss!"

Rikyov was doubtful. "But the people are too frightened to help you. Surely you can't manage on your own!" 

Superscott had the answer. From his scooter he got the porage. He prepared it, and soon everyone was enjoying a huge bowlful. They lost their fear. "Ah hah!" they cried. "We're not frightened of any old monster".

Armed with knives, the Conicans jumped into their boats. Led by Superscott on his scooter, they went the short distance to where the monsters were.

Superscott gave a terrible yell. "Alright, Nessie, this is it!"

The startled beast saw her old enemy. She roared to her children and the fight began. The monsters had snake-like tails which stung anyone who came near. But Superscott and his followers fought on. There was a terrible crashing and splashing. As the monsters thrashed about, they created great waves which threatened the shore area. But there was no time to worry about that as the battle raged on. 

At last it fell quiet. The dreadful monsters were all dead. Tired Conicans climbed out of the boats onto the shore. "Phew. That was close!" they all agreed. "If it weren't for Superscott and his porage, we'd never have done it. We must thank him. But where is he?"

They couldn't find him, for the shy hero had gone. Evil was conquered and good prevailed.